Posts: 709
Threads: 74
Joined: Mar 2017
First Edit:
Out of Circulation
poems from his youth
folded
like old money
collected as a curiosity –
no one accepts them anymore
this was his life’s savings
now utterly worthless
his hope
becomes collateral
repossessed by those uneducated in metaphor
his mind cracks
a sound so familiar
that it’s dismissed as the wind
a thousand years ago
he was a king of sorts
tomorrow
he may be again
but today he is merely broke
Original:
poems
poems
folded
like old money
collected as a curiosity –
no one accepts them anymore
this was his life’s savings
now
utterly worthless
his hope collateral
repossessed by those uneducated in metaphor
his mind cracks
a sound so familiar
that it’s dismissed as the wind
a thousand years ago
he was a king of sorts
tomorrow
he may be again
but today he is merely broke
Posts: 57
Threads: 9
Joined: Oct 2016
(04-09-2017, 05:23 AM)Richard Wrote: I really like the overall message of this poem. I can really relate to it. I have made a few suggestions, you can dismiss them at your leisure
poems
poems
folded
like old money
collected as a curiosity –
no one accepts them anymore
this was his life’s savings
now I would put "now utterly worthless" on the same line
utterly worthless
his hope collateral
"His collateral"
repossessed by those uneducated in metaphor
his mind cracks
a sound so familiar
that it’s dismissed as the wind I like the imagery here of how the poet's suffering goes on without anyone noticing or responding
a thousand years ago
he was a king of sorts
tomorrow
he may be again
but today he is merely broke Really like this stanza it brings the poem to an appropriate end suggesting potential hope for the poet but also the suffering of the current situation.
Poetry is the unexpected utterance of the soul
Mark Nepo
Posts: 709
Threads: 74
Joined: Mar 2017
Hey Mark,
Thanks for the feedback. It is greatly appreciated.
Thanks again,
Richard
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Hi Richard:
Sorry I got outta hand with my first round of critique that wasn't proper critique,
and was rightfully deleted. I guess your poem inspired me to spew a poor poem,
where collaboration is not welcome. I will try to do it properly:
poems I'm not sure the title does it justice, seems mundane
poems I would eliminate this first word "poems"and get creative
folded moving words around in this stanza
like old money Perhaps, add something about lack of circulation
collected as a curiosity –
no one accepts them anymore
this was his life’s savings
now
utterly worthless
his hope collateral interesting
repossessed by those uneducated in metaphor
his mind cracks sets the tone for frustration/loss
a sound so familiar
that it’s dismissed as the wind
a thousand years ago
he was a king of sorts
tomorrow
he may be again
but today he is merely broke today is indicative of possible future changes/hope
The poem conveys a subject
made an investment in a hope
that went kapootz, but leaves the reader
believing it is not total demise or
a complete end for the subject.
Best Wishes.
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 709
Threads: 74
Joined: Mar 2017
Hey nibbed,
Thanks for the feedback. The moment I posted this poem, I started to have doubts about the title and the first line, so it's nice to have someone confirm my concerns.
Thanks again,
Richard
