Loser

[Paul Welsh]

Title: Loser

Coffin carriers high
straight gaits pitch make cuff shoots
cement steps over denomination trade
holy water coolant drops
got ceiling fresco eyes
Altar ego trip

https://paulwelsh27.wordpress.com

[nibbed]

Hi Paul Welsh

Sorry I didn't see this right away. Strange how this poem was staring me in the face when I came back to this site from another window, so I will have to comment. Your fonts seem to indicate you want the words to be louder? I will copy in smaller print to fit my comments.




Coffin carriers high                                               Suggests someone was favored or well loved. A great loss.
straight gaits pitch make cuff shoots                    folks were under conviction? straightening up? at a funeral? from a sermon, maybe?
cement step over denomination trade                  a hardened or stubborn relative, maybe accepting a change in faith of someone else?
holy water coolant drops                                      someone's warming up or...feel safer being Catholic?
got ceiling fresco eyes                                           stiff necked or has soft eyes...?
Altar ego trip                                                         interesting, could mean two things maybe?



seems more a puzzle or a paragraph of clues.
mysterious with almost a "spy-like" quality
as though a spy is reporting back through code.
Not sure why it is titled "loser", though,
but perhaps you could get into more detail?

Hopefully you didn't have a rough day
or suffered a loss...and hope you are well.
Have a great evening. Best Wishes!




Coffin carriers high                                
straight gaits pitch make cuff shoots
cement steps over denomination trade
holy water coolant drops
got ceiling fresco eyes
Altar ego trip

[Brownlie]

Title: Loser

Coffin carriers high  -- Pallbearers? 
straight gaits pitch make cuff shoots
cement steps over denomination trade
holy water coolant drops
got ceiling fresco eyes
Altar ego trip -- Pun? 

https://paulwelsh27.wordpress.com

Kind of confusing. Idk, some poems are weird, and it's hard to Turing test them. Not an expert in aesthetics, but who the hell is?

[Paul Welsh]

Thanks for reading and feedback 'Nibbled'.

This is the first poem I've posted on here so the font size is purely accidental. 

Interesting that you went back to it and then it unfolded, I'm happy with that effect.

Your interpretation is pretty close to the mark, it is about a funeral. A young man, a relation of the dead is watching the liturgical procedure fall on lapsed Catholics before a requiem mass begins, then later in life, quickly remembers observations of this funeral, so nothing is expressed in finite detail, which would miss the point of the shorthand expression, a format that I currently enjoy using. Arguably too, it's a montage of the order of things as they unfolded as he watched.  The title 'Loser' is an atheistic commoner's put-down on religious adherence, but for me, titles are not particularly important. It's not about me, although I've been to funerals, RC and others, and from those I saw interesting things.

Paul

Hi Paul Welsh

Sorry I didn't see this right away. Strange how this poem was staring me in the face when I came back to this site from another window, so I will have to comment. Your fonts seem to indicate you want the words to be louder? I will copy in smaller print to fit my comments.




Coffin carriers high                                               Suggests someone was favored or well loved. A great loss.
straight gaits pitch make cuff shoots                    folks were under conviction? straightening up? at a funeral? from a sermon, maybe?
cement step over denomination trade                  a hardened or stubborn relative, maybe accepting a change in faith of someone else?
holy water coolant drops                                      someone's warming up or...feel safer being Catholic?
got ceiling fresco eyes                                           stiff necked or has soft eyes...?
Altar ego trip                                                         interesting, could mean two things maybe?



seems more a puzzle or a paragraph of clues.
mysterious with almost a "spy-like" quality
as though a spy is reporting back through code.
Not sure why it is titled "loser", though,
but perhaps you could get into more detail?

Hopefully you didn't have a rough day
or suffered a loss...and hope you are well.
Have a great evening. Best Wishes!




Coffin carriers high                                
straight gaits pitch make cuff shoots
cement steps over denomination trade
holy water coolant drops
got ceiling fresco eyes
Altar ego trip

---

Thanks for feedback

I didn't spend a particularly long time on it, I rarely do with anything to be honest.  It's shorthand abstraction, surrealist maybe, about memories of a long time ago funeral. 

A lot of poetry bores me rigid, I switch off, all that adoption of approved styles, this doesn't mean the writers have nothing to say, often it's the opposite, it's just that I've probably read & heard it before, only it wasn't them delivering the act.  Granted what I've done is experimental, but I think it can be effective sometimes to strip things back, make the subject matter and the references narrower while trying not to lose any impact you want to make. It's not always a success, and can get mixed results, but poetry isn't a science, so anything should go.

Title: Loser

Coffin carriers high  -- Pallbearers? 
straight gaits pitch make cuff shoots
cement steps over denomination trade
holy water coolant drops
got ceiling fresco eyes
Altar ego trip -- Pun? 

https://paulwelsh27.wordpress.com

Kind of confusing. Idk, some poems are weird, and it's hard to Turing test them. Not an expert in aesthetics, but who the hell is?

[Mark Cecil]

Title: Loser

Coffin carriers high
straight gaits pitch make cuff shoots - Really like the imagery created here particularly the phrase "cuff shoots" when I read that I think of the men carrying the coffin and the cuffs pointed out upwards from their jacket
cement steps over denomination trade Again love "cement steps" highlights the respectful but also sombre walk involved at funerals
holy water coolant drops
got ceiling fresco eyes Good at emphasising the coldness of the mood at a funeral
Altar ego trip Great play on words here and you pack so much meaning into these three words of how the priest might have an agenda at this funeral

https://paulwelsh27.wordpress.com

[Paul Welsh]

Thanks Mark, for your kind and encouraging comments.

Paul

Title: Loser

Coffin carriers high
straight gaits pitch make cuff shoots - Really like the imagery created here particularly the phrase "cuff shoots" when I read that I think of the men carrying the coffin and the cuffs pointed out upwards from their jacket
cement steps over denomination trade Again love "cement steps" highlights the respectful but also sombre walk involved at funerals
holy water coolant drops
got ceiling fresco eyes Good at emphasising the coldness of the mood at a funeral
Altar ego trip Great play on words here and you pack so much meaning into these three words of how the priest might have an agenda at this funeral

https://paulwelsh27.wordpress.com

[Szczepan]

Title: Loser

Coffin carriers high <<< naturally, I read this as a pallbearer ... "high" tho'? hmm as in drugs? if so, ok.
straight gaits pitch make cuff shoots <<< only line that I had real trouble with
cement steps over denomination trade <<< church steps / beginning of church imagery / but... wondering if this could be moved down / I imagine this to be after leaving church
holy water coolant drops <<< o.k. evokes more visions of church / bump up?
got ceiling fresco eyes <<< " " " " " " " " "
Altar ego trip <<< Kudos on what I'm reading as a double meaning / good ending line

Overall, good funeral imagery. I got the general feeling of someone posturing at the ceremony....

https://paulwelsh27.wordpress.com