Mania

[Elizazile]

I wake, a waitress
Balancing five or six plates,
Which I refuse to set down,
And carry table to table instead,
Thrilled to be put to work.

All aflutter for weeks now
I can't quite say
That this feels good anymore
Just that slowing down 
wouldn't;
Would be a puddle of milk
Spilled and seeping,
Threatening to down 
My tower of tenuous tomorrows.

I no longer feel my center
But see myself, the center
Of a web of glass entanglements
Sustained by never glancing away, 
Shattered by a deep breath

[Richard]

Hey Elizazile,
I really like that the tone was consistent with the title. The poem overall does have a sense derangement to it. My only concern would be some of your use of metaphors and images. There are times that you mixed your metaphors and images, and that can be confusing for the reader. I'll go into more detail below.

I wake, a waitress
Balancing five or six plates, -In my opinion, this line works well because of the title.
Which I refuse to set down,
And carry table to table instead,
Thrilled to be put to work. -I like the image of the waitress. However, it seems to get lost a bit after the second stanza.

All aflutter for weeks now -I found this a bit confusing because the first stanza seems to be an awakening, whereas here it seems like this has been happening for a while. I think this could be because of the mania/mental illness, but it still is a little too abrupt for my liking.
I can't quite say
That this feels good anymore
Just that slowing down 
wouldn't;
Would be a puddle of milk
Spilled and seeping, I love this metaphor. It creates an awesome image in my mind.
Threatening to down 
My tower of tenuous tomorrows. -I am not too sure about this line. It feels like you're mixing the metaphor of the speaker as milk with this metaphor of the tower and the future. I sort of understand what you were going for here. I just think you could express more clearly if you focused on and developed only one of these metaphors.

I no longer feel my center
But see myself, the center
Of a web of glass entanglements -Is this "glass entanglement" part of the tower from the previous stanza?
Sustained by never glancing away, 
Shattered by a deep breath -I like these last two lines. It works with the image of the entanglement, but it could also work with the tower metaphor. As well, I think it relates to the title effectively. 

Overall, I like a lot of what you did in this poem. My main suggestion would just to be careful when mixing metaphors and images.

Keep writing,
Richard

[nibbed]

Hi Elizazile,

I have had threats of approaching mania, that feeling of plate balancing
(and spinning) in the past, so this poem is understandable to me.
Thank you kindly for the read.





I wake, a waitress                                                    wake can mean two things here.
Balancing five or six plates,                                      a desperation to keep many things in balance at once
Which I refuse to set down,
And carry table to table instead,                         
Thrilled to be put to work.                                       happy for distractions at times

All aflutter for weeks now                                         excitement about an event or happy time ahead
I can't quite say
That this feels good anymore
Just that slowing down 
wouldn't;
Would be a puddle of milk
Spilled and seeping,
Threatening to down 
My tower of tenuous tomorrows.

I no longer feel my center
But see myself, the center
Of a web of glass entanglements                                 I understand the compulsion of a glass sea
Sustained by never glancing away, 
Shattered by a deep breath                                        the end here puzzles me


Have a wonderful day.
I hope your writing brings you
warmth & comfort. Blessings.

[Franklin'sMan]

Hi. Generally, you ought to squeeze your lines until words begin to pop out. Pop, pop, pop -- unnecessary, loosely coupled words should be flying. I'd only add words if there's a need to hit a meter, but even then the words added should be such that, once added, you can't so easily pop them out again  

Breakfast Rush Mania  A title can be intergral to the poem's meaning, tipping the reader off to what's going on - or the starting point of the poem. This might allow the rest of the poem to leave things unsaid, allowing the reader to infer them. I.e. I can remove 'a waitress'. You might prefer an even more precise title, or more general.

I wake, a waitress
Balancing five or six plates,
Which I refuse to set down,
And carry table to table instead,
Thrilled to be put to work.

All aflutter for weeks now
I can't quite say
That this feels good(.) anymore
Just that slowing down 
wouldn't;
(I'd) Would be a puddle of milk
Spilled(,) and seeping,
Threatening to down drown I like drown better - milk being made like water. Also, it'd take an ass full of milk to drown a tower, which I like.
My tower of tenuous tomorrows.

I no longer feel my center('s unfelt.)
But I see myself the center
Of a web of glass entanglements
Sustained by never glancing away, I like this last stanza. Good image, except how does not glancing away sustain this. I suspect I know, but am unsure.
Shattered by a deep breath

One of the admins has a signature saying that the secret to poetry is cruelty. That's true on many levels. For one, you ought to be cruel to the very words you lay down on paper.

Lastly, don't take these comments to mean I disliked your work. If I did dislike it, I wouldn't have bothered to comment at all!