Posts: 444
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six haiku dedicated to our brand new alternate-climate world:
here come the azaleas
wait!
where's my wife?
the cat has found a new bed -
for her
spring comes once a week
cherry blossoms
don't read haiku
new leaves
i'm standing on your ancestors
beware sprouts
here come the cats
on my kitchen window
tree frogs
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
Posts: 54
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Hey, so I read this as one extensive poem. Mid-critique, I realized it may be several short ones in one post. Anywho, I'll just keep going on as I was.
(04-08-2017, 06:21 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:
here come the azaleas - Azaleas again!
wait! Nice break here. This would be the "cutting word", right? It's ecstatic.
where's my wife?
the cat has found a new bed -
for her The natural pause here is great, too. Typically I'd critique grammar, but this is short-form inspired by haiku... I don't know if grammar is really important. My thought was a comma after "her".
spring comes once a week
cherry blossoms - Here, I'm confused. Is this a philosophical statement? Cherry blossoms do not have eyes, so they cannot read. Or are you trying to tell the reader not to read haiku?
don't read haiku
new leaves - Kind of feels like an omage... Azaleas were new again, but now the "new" has left.
i'm standing on your ancestors Hmm, okay. You asked for your wife earlier. (This is where my epiphany occurred. The subject seems to have changed so much by now. I'm still going to critique as an entire piece.)
beware sprouts -
here come the cats Cats conquer all.
on my kitchen window -
tree frogs I like this last part. Frogs are well-suited subjects of haiku (or short poems).
My favorite was the second. Cats are lazy, always vacationing... Great image.
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1 made me laugh, then I thought it might be heartbreaking (poems is fun). I like 3 and 4 a lot too. Happy spring, Ray. 
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Posts: 444
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(04-08-2017, 07:21 AM)ellajam Wrote: 1 made me laugh, then I thought it might be heartbreaking (poems is fun). I like 3 and 4 a lot too. Happy spring, Ray. It's both. (Glad it made you laugh.)
(04-08-2017, 06:36 AM)burrealist Wrote: Hey, so I read this as one extensive poem. Mid-critique, I realized it may be several short ones in one post. Anywho, I'll just keep going on as I was. I intended it to be six separate haiku; but, as the reader, it's really up to you
to decide. You could assert something like: "Sure, you consciously thought you
were writing six separate haiku, but your subconscious was actually writing a
single poem." I certainly wouldn't be able to prove otherwise. Hell, maybe you're right.
here come the azaleas - Azaleas again!
wait! Nice break here. This would be the "cutting word", right? -- Yes.
where's my wife?
the cat has found a new bed -
for her The natural pause here is great, too. Typically I'd critique grammar, but this is short-form inspired by haiku... I don't know if grammar is really important. My thought was a comma after "her". That's punctuation, not grammar. Some people use punctuation marks with haiku, most don't. Since the end of a line implies a pause, I usually don't.
By the way, cats are notoriously fickle about beds. Moving about is actually an evolutionary adaptation to lessen
problems with fleas and other parasites.
spring comes once a week
cherry blossoms -
don't read haiku
Here, I'm confused. Is this a philosophical statement? Cherry blossoms do not have eyes, so they cannot read. Or are you trying to tell the reader not to read haiku?
Poetry, including haiku, allows the conceit of cherry blossoms being able to read. If Issa can imply fleas understand him, I can imply cherry blossoms can read.
This haiku, like many classical Japanese ones, is written so that you can make multiple interpretations. Ones that come to mind:
1. I'm warning the cherry blossoms not to read haiku.
2. I'm informing the reader that cherry blossoms don't read haiku.
In the first instance I'm making a comment on the paucity of human words when it comes to nature.
In the second instance, I'm commenting that haiku is solely involved in human interaction and doesn't involve nature at all.
new leaves - Kind of feels like an omage... Azaleas were new again, but now the "new" has left. It's a comment on the ignorance of youth, the wisdom of age, the transience of life... or maybe I'm deriding Japanese ancestor worship.
i'm standing on your ancestors Hmm, okay. You asked for your wife earlier. (This is where my epiphany occurred. The subject seems to have changed so much by now. I'm still going to critique as an entire piece.) As I stated earlier, it's not for me to decide.
beware sprouts -
here come the cats Cats conquer all. Cats are a pain in the ass. They just love to chew on plants, especially tender green ones.
on my kitchen window -
tree frogs I like this last part. Frogs are well-suited subjects of haiku (or short poems).
Yep, they are. I cheated a bit on this one as while "frog" is a spring kigo (season word), "tree frog" is actually a summer one.
But, in my defense, tree frogs appear in the spring down here so I can claim a local exemption.
My favorite was the second. Cats are lazy, always vacationing... Great image.
[/quote]
They're not lazy, they just don't like fleas. (But considering they don't have to hunt because I feed them (and put flea medicine on them),
I guess they've probably gotten that way.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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