Night Stories (Revision)

[Todd]

Revision

The moon oscillates between hunger 
and gluttony, and Grandmother’s stomach 
is distended beneath the blankets.
A bonnet flops over one ear 
and her eyes are empty
dinner plates.
She has exchanged the dry-leaf kisses
of old age for a wet smile 
that would slice the skin 
from little girls, 
who leave the forest path. 
The blood pulses 
in your head like a knocking
door only three steps—
too far away, and you can’t help
but comment on Grandmother’s 
open mouth.


~~
Made a slight adjustment per Richard. It doesn't need another revision for that.

Original

The moon oscillates between hunger 
and gluttony, and Grandmother’s stomach 
is distended beneath the blankets.
A bonnet flops over one ear 
and her eyes are empty
dinner plates.
She has exchanged the dry-leaf kisses
of old age for a wet smile 
that would slice the skin 
from little girls, 
who leave the forest path.
Your feet take root
and you can’t help 
but comment on Grandmother’s 
open mouth.

[burrealist]

I want to take a challenge. You are a very gifted poet- so I am going to critique what I consider to be work more sophisticated than mine.

The moon oscillates between hunger The moon obviously means something. The dinner plates and her smile may be shaped like the moon. After I read the whole thing, it will rise to its proper place. 
and gluttony, and Grandmother’s stomach This line-break is great. I like line-breaks that give new information that stand out alone, and also pull the entire sentence together.
is distended beneath the blankets. So grandma is fat. Maybe the moon is a simple reference to time. It takes time to gain weight, and you purposefully compared a difference between "hunger" and "gluttony". An oscillating moon can wax, can wane, and can resemble an ever-changing weight.
A bonnet flops over one ear 
and her eyes are empty So she has passed. Again, the moon starts to make more sense.
dinner plates. What I don't understand is, even though "dinner plates" is appropriate, why they're given a line of their own. Just a simple resolution, or more?
She has exchanged the dry-leaf kisses "Dry-leaf" could become a specific herb, if you want it to.
of old age for a wet smile I'm sure there are plenty of words you can use that are better than "wet". Even though the contrast between wet and dry is evident, "hungry smile" or "starving smile" might add some new significance.
that would slice the skin Slice is piercing. I like it. Did you go through variations of this part? 
from little girls, This could become a part of the last line, written as: "that would skin little girls". It's a disturbing thought.
who leave the forest path. Nice allusion.
Your feet take root In what? What is "root" for? Is this following up in reference to childhood?
and you can’t help
but comment on Grandmother’s 
open mouth.

I actually treated this as an intensive critique, and I did not realize that until just now. I'll stop here before I carry on.

[Leanne]

The moon oscillates between hunger -- I like this opening.  The moon conjures up a werewolf image, so I associate wolf-eats-Grandma with wolf-and-Grandma-are-one-in-lycanthropic-harmony
and gluttony, and Grandmother’s stomach 
is distended beneath the blankets. -- she doesn't need any more cookies, little girl.  And she really doesn't need to eat the little girl either, but she's a hairy glutton.
A bonnet flops over one ear 
and her eyes are empty
dinner plates. -- excellent play on not only the "what big eyes..." but also the cliche of "eyes like saucers".  
She has exchanged the dry-leaf kisses
of old age for a wet smile 
that would slice the skin 
from little girls, 
who leave the forest path. -- this is a lovely allegorical caution against departure from safety, even if it's to a pre-planned destination
Your feet take root -- this is the line that bothers me.  On the one hand, it's a nice call-back to the forest/trees motif, but on the other -- it's such a cliche
and you can’t help 
but comment on Grandmother’s 
open mouth. -- well, who could?  In for a penny...

[Todd]

Burrealist: Thank you! I appreciate the comments. I'll review them as I consider what changes I might make in the next revision.

Leanne: Thank you! Let me address one specific issue you raise. I knew when I wrote the root line I was brushing up against cliche. I also knew that I wanted to tie it back to the forest path line. I couldn't come up with anything I liked better so left it there at least so you all could see where I was going with it. It's a good call out on your part. I'll come up with some alternative.

Appreciate the feedback,

Todd

[Todd]

Tried to address that one line in the revision. I'm not sure if it's an improvement or not, but it is a possible other direction.

[Leanne]

The mystical three... I'm not sure yet. It does open up lots more connotations.

[Richard]

Hey Todd,
I really enjoyed this poem, especially some of the images you used. I do have some questions though, but they deal more the overall meaning than any of the language use.

Revision

The moon oscillates between hunger -This is such a wonderful way to describe the phases of the moon while also tying into the theme of your poem.
and gluttony, and Grandmother’s stomach 
is distended beneath the blankets. -This is such a disturbing image... I love it!
A bonnet flops over one ear 
and her eyes are empty
dinner plates. -This is wonderful metaphor that reinforces your overall description of the grandmother.
She has exchanged the dry-leaf kisses
of old age for a wet smile 
that would slice the skin 
from little girls, -I love the wording here. The image of her dying with a smile is just downright creepy.
who leave the forest path. The blood -Personally, I would have put "The blood" into the next line. I just think that the line, "who leave the forest path," is so important to your overall meaning that it needs to be left by itself. OR I would make "The blood" into it's own line.
pulses in your head like a knocking
door only three steps— I like the wording here. However, how does the image of knocking on a door tie in with the rest of the poem?
too far away, and you can’t help
but comment on Grandmother’s 
open mouth. -This last line makes me wonder about the age of the speaker.

Original

The moon oscillates between hunger 
and gluttony, and Grandmother’s stomach 
is distended beneath the blankets.
A bonnet flops over one ear 
and her eyes are empty
dinner plates.
She has exchanged the dry-leaf kisses
of old age for a wet smile 
that would slice the skin 
from little girls, 
who leave the forest path.
Your feet take root
and you can’t help 
but comment on Grandmother’s 
open mouth.

I do have a couple of questions, but these are more for my own curiosity than any type of critique. However, thinking about these questions might create further insight for you into the poem. First of all, how old is the speaker in this poem supposed to be? Second of all, how does the person actually feel about their grandmother? They are describing her as a witch in the poem, so is it safe to say they didn't have a very good relationship?

Overall, this is a wonderful poem, and you should take pride in having wrote it.

Cheers,
Richard

[Todd]

Richard, thank you for your critique. I may make an adjustment on "the blood" in some way and restore path to an end word.

To your questions:

1) in my mind about 8 years old
2) she loves her grandmother--and yes this isn't a flattering description so my statement is a little at odds with what I'm saying but there is a reason.
3) they have a good relationship. (see comment above)

Thank you again.

Best,

Todd