I'm Such A Big Girl.

[LiteraryAntiquity]

Sensing something,
Nothing comes to mind.
Crossing over darkest streets,
The alleyway to the homeless, asleep.

Screaming inside my foolish head,
As bloody alcohol causes another diatribe,
Two fighters feasting on my soul,
Two fighters feasting on my final bowl.

They call me a cynic,
They have no idea,
I'm crossing over darkest streets,
Praying for some last scrap of innocence to meet.

I make mistakes,
All the time,
Even my poems tend to suck with a rhyme.
I don't stand up for what I believe,
I cannot feel and I cannot grieve.

See there I go with a simple rhyme,
To brush away a past of constant grime,
I heard they mentioned him in my past,
Something I cannot run from.

Crossing over the darkest streets,
To hold you, touch your frighteningly pale skin,
Guess what my angel? You're beautiful,
and I love you.

So screw the rhymes,
Screw the technique,
I just had to say,
I love you.

And screw the unfortunate time,
Screw the imperfect physique,
I just had to say, because I do,
I love you. I love you.

[billy]

Hi L.F.

here's my take on this poetry stuff. often we try too hard to be poetical.
sometimes just putting it down on paper the in the way you'd say it to a friend.
that gets rid of all the excess poeticals; then just rearrange the lines into short mouthfuls.

i know many poets won't agree with me but personally i think it's the best way to get writing.
everyone tries to do poetry that rhymes when they begin. i know i did.

[waitingforgodet]

Very good advice, to do it as if you're talking to a friend--it is a very good exercise for getting out of writer's block too. As far as the rhymes go--and I do like rhymes a lot, I think they take care of themselves once the idea is set down. Part of the problem, I think, is when too many ideas come at you at once and you want to throw them all into the pot which, of course, creates confusion--nothing wrong with confusion if that is what youre writing about.

---

I love this verse: And I think is the basis of the entire poem. A very pained woman searching for something good,perhaps the only thing out there that is pure. I would change streets to street and perhaps keep it as a b c c rhyme for three verses and then followed bytwo lines at the end with a dd rhyme, perhaps three verses would be plenty to express this idea. Obviously, I could be way off with what I'm saying here, but I am inspried by this verse and the idea in invoked in me.

They call me a cynic,
they have no idea.
I cross over the darkest street
praying for innocence to meet.

I walk every night
and look into their faces--something like this, i think.


(it seems that everything she knows is dark, contaminated--grime?

I see the poem as a quest, who knows, perhaps it is a quest for God. This idea in itself is huge and there are so many ways of pursuing it, but I would begin with that wonderful verse.

Anyway, that is my suggestion on the initial idea; actually, I think you've written two poems in one. The other part about mentioning him might be better as a separate poem altogether.Loss, abandonment, perhaps, reunited with the one you love?

The part about writing and rhyme I wouldn't mention at all, unless you're doing it as a third poem. Of course, I could be all wet here in what I'm saying, perhaps I am. But I do see the makings of a great poem here--Jim

[Ris Yerg]

Blessed be "Big girl"!
Great work!
Enjoyed!
R.Y.