First Edit: Remembrance Day 2013

[Richard]

First Edit:

Remembrance Day 2013

my grandfather
bequeathed me no formal wealth
all I have left
is a portrait
and his medals

he was fifteen
when he marched through Italy
watched friends die
and killed
other men’s friends

he never told me heroic stories
so it always seemed to me
that in war
death is a hungry child
blindfolded
and bobbing for apples

my grandfather
would sit at the kitchen table
and talk to ghosts

he died when I was young
and many years
passed
before I accepted
that his sacrifice
was my true inheritance


Original Version:

Remembrance Day 2013 

my grandfather
fifteen
marched through Italy,
watched friends die
and killed
other man’s friends

in war
death seems
a hungry child
blindfolded
and bobbing for apples-
each bite a man

my grandfather,
too proud for a pension,
too shell-shocked to drown death,
would sit at the kitchen table
and talk to ghosts

I feel pride
when I think of my grandfather
in his uniform
posing in that portrait on my wall
smiling a soldier’s smile

I feel pride
because he was man
who choose
to give all he had

[Todd]

Hi Richard, a couple comments for you.

Remembrance Day 2013 

my grandfather
fifteen
marched through Italy,
watched friends die
and killed
other man’s friends--men's

in war
death seems
a hungry child
blindfolded
and bobbing for apples-
each bite a man--I think this is stronger without spelling it out and ending the strophe on apples.

my grandfather,
too proud for a pension,--not sure how this line adds to your theme.
too shell-shocked to drown death,--shell-shocked is slightly cliche and this line could also be cut like the last one.
would sit at the kitchen table
and talk to ghosts--This final idea is nice.

I feel pride
when I think of my grandfather
in his uniform
posing in that portrait on my wall
smiling a soldier’s smile--This strophe might be better expressed as your opening with the below ending the poem and serving as brackets. Why this could serve as an opening is the contrast between a picture and reality.

I feel pride
because he was man
who choose
to give all he had--The pride strophes are a bit weak because they push sentiment without imagery. They are where you need to spend some time making them more succinct--like you do in other places.

I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[Richard]

Hey Todd,
I really appreciate the feedback. I have actually been struggling with the ending for this poem since I wrote, and have gone through about four different endings since 2013.

Thanks again,
Richard

[Leanne]

Hi Richard,

This is a difficult subject to write and avoid being overly sentimental.  It's often just about impossible to truly express how we feel about the enormity of war: the conflict of pride and despair; the disconnect between the smart, smiling soldier and the trained killer; the child who left and the man who returned.

For me, the use of "my grandfather" is detracting from the poem.  I wouldn't even think about bringing that in until the very end.  My suggestion is that you build the picture of the fifteen-year-old going off to war before the twist of the grandfather's portrait.  Personally, I'd probably start with your second stanza, or build the first stanza into a visual of the warzone then shift into the second, which is probably your strongest.  Instead of "my grandfather" in the next stanza, consider "the old man" or similar.  

You don't need to say "I feel pride".  I think it's implicit.  Consider joining the last two stanzas together, perhaps something like this:

Today my grandfather
in his uniform smiles down at me
from the portrait on the wall:
a man who chose 
to give all he had.

Good luck with your revisions.  You're definitely onto something good here.

[Richard]

Hey Leanne,
Thanks for the feedback. It definitely gave me more to think about. This poem has been sort of struggle for me since I wrote it years ago. It's like I know what I want to say, but it just never seems to come together quite right for this poem regardless how much I edit/revise it. That is the reason I decided to post it. I've already had a couple of ideas sparked by the feedback, and I hope to get a few more before I finalize another version of this poem.

Thanks again,
Richard

[LunaDeLore]

First Edit:

Remembrance Day 2013

my grandfather
bequeathed me no formal wealth
all I have left
is a portrait
and his medals

he was fifteen
when he marched through Italy
watched friends die
and killed
other men’s friends

he never told me heroic stories
so it always seemed to me
that in war
death is a hungry child
blindfolded
and bobbing for apples

my grandfather
would sit at the kitchen table
and talk to ghosts

he died when I was young
and many years
passed
before I accepted
that his sacrifice
was my true inheritance

Richard,

This poem flows very well and its flow makes it a bit difficult to pick apart,but there is a little issue sparking my inner critique. In reading your first revision I noticed you chose to go with lower case letters but what knocks it off balance is the capital "I" throughout the work. It's something I've done many times myself so I'll tell you what the critics have told me: if you're gonna compose your work in lower case don't capitalize 'I' because it turns people off. Why did you choose to use lower case?

Enjoyed reading your work; keep writing

Luna

[Richard]

Hey Luna,
Thanks for the feedback and question. I have often thought about that myself (the capital I). I have seen it done both ways in poems, and I don't have much of any answer on why I capitalized it. It's something I am definitely going to give some more thought though.

As for why I wrote this poem in mostly lower case letters, it's just where I am at right now in terms of style. I went through a phase when I was focused on rhyming and iambics, and every since then, I have been drifting further and further away from formalized verse. There was even a time I actually gave up a poetry because I had burned myself out on rhyming and following strict verse. My own personal opinion is that modern poetry shouldn't rhyme because it often limits what you are going to say. Furthermore, the English language is such a limited language when it comes to rhyming, I just feel that all the great rhyming has been done. I even think that grammar isn't needed anymore in modern poetry, but again, that is just my own opinion. Poetry should be about expression and anything that limits that (i.e. rhyme, grammar, punctuation, etc.) needs to be removed. I hope this answered your question fully.

Thanks again,
Richard