In his short life everyone said he'd be a
lovely man if only he'd learn to hold his
anger inside rather than lash out. But his
homies revered him
for the way he always hit back, resented
words or gestures that he thought disrespected
his mom or the father who never met him.
Now where he lay an
outline of his body in white chalk on the
sidewalk is his monument 'til the rain and
sneakers of his half-brothers rub it out. Oh!
Why does a black child
get white chalk instead of black, Mama, tell me?
Doesn't it just disrespect him this one last
time, when he can't fight against them or scare them?
Do they still hate him?
No, child, chalk is white the way bone is, and they
use it any time someone's killed. We each die
wanting not to, even tough boys like him. Black
chalk would be grave dust.
edit1;
In his short life everyone said he'd be a
lovely man if only he'd learn to hold his
anger inside rather than lash out. But his
homies revered him
for the way he always resented any
word or gesture that disrespected him, his
mother or the father who never met him.
Now where he lay an
outline of his body in white chalk on the
sidewalk is his monument 'til the rain and
sneakers of his half-brothers rub it out. Oh!
Why does a black child
get white chalk instead of black, Mama, tell me?
Doesn't it just disrespect him this one last
time, when he can't fight against them or scare them?
Do they still hate him?
No, child, chalk is white the way bone is, and they
use it any time someone's killed. We each die
wanting not to, even tough boys like him. Black
chalk is just grave dust.
original;
In his short life everyone said he'd have a happy one if only he'd learn to hold his anger inside rather than lash out. But his homies revered him
for the way he always resented any word or gesture that disrespected him, his mother or the father who never met him. Now where he lay an
outline of his body in white chalk on the sidewalk is his monument 'til the rain and sneakers of his half-brothers rub it out. Oh! Why does a black child
get white chalk instead of black, Mama, tell me? Doesn't it just disrespect him this one last time, when he can't fight against them or scare them? Do they still hate him?
No, child, chalk is white the way bone is, and they use it any time someone's killed. We all are equal in death, even rough boys like him. Black chalk would be ashes.
Duke, there are some lines in here that I really like. The idea of black chalk and the last line especially stands out to me. Where I have some issue is first with the line breaks. I realize you're trying to hold to a form but a lot of these breaks seem weak to me. I'd prefer the breaks on more interesting, thematic words (S2 finding a way to break on resented and disrespected for example). Some additional comments below:
(03-29-2017, 06:05 AM)dukealien Wrote: Black Chalk
In his short life everyone said he'd have a happy one if only he'd learn to hold his--This feels a bit awkward, rather than referring to life again perhaps "In his short life everyone said he'd be happy if only..." anger inside rather than lash out. But his homies revered him
for the way he always resented any word or gesture that disrespected him, his mother or the father who never met him. Now where he lay an
outline of his body in white chalk on the sidewalk is his monument 'til the rain and sneakers of his half-brothers rub it out. Oh!--I like the rain and sneakers part Why does a black child
get white chalk instead of black, Mama, tell me? Doesn't it just disrespect him this one last time, when he can't fight against them or scare them? Do they still hate him?
No, child, chalk is white the way bone is, and they use it any time someone's killed. We all are equal in death, even rough boys like him. Black--The equal in death thing feels a bit too preachy. I'd like something a bit more subtle so that we can draw the conclusion without being told. I like the white the way bone is part. chalk would be ashes.
I don't find the ending convincing. For one, there's coloured chalk and some of it can be purple or a dark shade of soemthing. Secondly, ash (as opposed to unburnt carbon or carbonaceous char) is white. Clean ash is white. Coal ash is white - Japanese cement companies buy white fly ash from coal PP and reject carbon contaminated ash. The most common constituents of ash are Fe and Al silicates.
So while it might seem pedantic, I'm not convinced by metaphor in a literal and therefore in a figurative way.
In his short life everyone said he'd be a
lovely man if only he'd learn to hold his
anger inside rather than lash out. But his
homies revered him
for the way he always resented any
word or gesture that disrespected him, his
mother or the father who never met him.
Now where he lay an
outline of his body in white chalk on the
sidewalk is his monument 'til the rain and
sneakers of his half-brothers rub it out. Oh!
Why does a black child
get white chalk instead of black, Mama, tell me?
Doesn't it just disrespect him this one last
time, when he can't fight against them or scare them?
Do they still hate him?
No, child, chalk is white the way bone is, and they
use it any time someone's killed. We each die
wanting not to, even tough boys like him. Black
chalk is just grave dust.
In this edit I've tried to address @Todd's critques except for the weak line endings, which will require more thought. The (English) version of the (Greek) sapphic stanza is said to abound in enjambments, internal rhymes, and the like - but they have to be *good* enjambments, as suggested, not an excuse for sloppy phrasing.
I've also tried to respond to @Achebe's critiques in the last stanza. Have doubts about whether this will be the final form: first, I was thiinking of *marking* ashes such as the (incompletely burnt) ashes of blessed palm fronds used in Ash Wednesday markings, the charcoal used to mark doors during the Black Death, and so forth. However, the Ash Wednesday "dust thou shalt become" motif suggested the present last line. I'm strongly tempted to amputate the last foot, leaving "[Black] chalk is just dust" which seems to have more impact.
In his short life everyone said he'd be a
lovely man if only he'd learn to hold his
anger inside rather than lash out. But his
homies revered him
for the way he always hit back, resented
words or gestures that he thought disrespected
his mom or the father who never met him.
Now where he lay an
outline of his body in white chalk on the
sidewalk is his monument 'til the rain and
sneakers of his half-brothers rub it out. Oh!
Why does a black child
get white chalk instead of black, Mama, tell me?
Doesn't it just disrespect him this one last
time, when he can't fight against them or scare them?
Do they still hate him?
No, child, chalk is white the way bone is, and they
use it any time someone's killed. We each die
wanting not to, even tough boys like him. Black
chalk would be grave dust.
@just mercedes - switched the construction of the last line back to fit the form's /../. requirement, but agree with removing "just" - a very just criticism .
@Todd - reorganized S2 to place the more impactful words at line ends as suggested. It does seem to work better.
Read an intermim version (between edit1 and edit2) to my writing group Friday - one said, "This shows you're really *not* prejudiced!" Face-palm averted with difficulty: No, I'm prejudiced alright, just not against what you thought I was.
Non-practicing atheist
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