First post 
It's more spoken word/much less beautiful and articulate than what I've read on here so far, but it's the only style I can write in!
To the men
To the men who have done me harm
I see you.
I know you.
Your crimes have been documented,
etched in my mind,
kept captive in silence.
No more.
You are known.
Your stories have been told.
Aloud.
I am not the bearer of your secrets
or your lies
anymore.
I have shed that skin like the snake you are.
I have set down that burden.
You have not won.
My heart and mind are mine.
We serve each other, body and soul -- we don't serve you.
I am not yours to sample or consume.
I am neither delicacy nor indelicacy.
I am not meek, hiding from your fists and dicks
anymore.
I am whole woman, full of power and creation
Shakti
full of Kali's destruction/transformation
Two sides of one coin.
I am holy.
I am sacred.
Consecrated, not desecrated, ground.
You,
the bringers of bad news and bruises and babies no one wanted,
you have not won.
I am not beaten up
or broken down.
I am alive with passion, pleasure, pain, perception -and- compassion.
Because when there is nothing left to lose, you give nothing or you give all.
I gave all to this journey you set me on, softening sharp edges,
opening eyes and heart and mind to the idea that there is
So.
Much.
More.
To.
Life.
Than you.
You told me it was all black and white and shade of grey -- and I found color anyway.
I win.
To the men who have loved me
You brave souls that stepped in when I was decimated.
Hated - by self and others.
Alone, enraged, and so damn scared I could barely stand straight.
You are the flickering flames that lit this path,
warmed my skin,
calmed my fears.
You.
Are.
Love.
Love divine, love incarnate, love physical and metaphysical.
Love without bounds or limits,
concessions or conditions.
It pours from your pores like balm.
It coats me.
Soothes my sores, washed clean by love.
You.
Are.
Love.
Love abiding, love patient, love kind.
You sat by my unlocked cage and waited ever so faithfully,
talking through the bars,
until I set myself free.
Me.
I did it.
You are not saviors or white knights.
You did not lend me your power for my protection.
You are sages, guides who guided me to my own light,
my own flame.
You did not roar for me
but with me
until I could carry the tune myself.
You are the soil in which I take root,
building the blooms I want to show the world.
Glimpsing your own divinity is not so hard, really,
when it is reflected in the eye of one who can already see it.
Posts: 37
Threads: 0
Joined: Mar 2017
I enjoyed this. It works pretty well as a spoken piece because it is accusatory (in the beginning). In fact, I like the accusatory part best and think you carried it off the best. If you were to clip it there that'd be alright with me, though I suppose it would lose the positive uplift. But I like a good negative uplift - a big 'fuck you, you can't keep me down' to the face.
I've added to many lines below my restatement of the line. My reasons are sometimes for variety, rhythm, landing the stress on the more meaningful words (producing a more forceful expression). It's always for you to decide what, if any, you like.
(03-26-2017, 02:35 AM)Graca Wrote: First post
It's more spoken word/much less beautiful and articulate than what I've read on here so far, but it's the only style I can write in!
To the men
To the men who have done me harm
I see you.
I know you.
Your crimes have been documented,
etched in my mind,
kept captive in silence.
No more.
You are known.
Your stories have been told.
Aloud.
I am not the bearer of your secrets I do not bear your secrets
or your lies
anymore.
I have shed that skin like the snake you are. I've shed that skin like the snakes you are.
I have set down that burden. I 've set that burden down.
You have not won.
My heart and mind are mine. My mind and heart are mine.
We serve each other, body and soul -- we don't serve you. They serve each other, my body and soul -- they don't serve you.
I am not yours to sample or consume. I'm not for your consumption.
I am neither delicacy nor indelicacy. I'm neither delicacy nor indelicate.
I am not meek, hiding from your fists and dicks I'm not hiding from your fists and dicks
anymore.
I am whole woman, full of power and creation
Shakti
full of Kali's destruction/transformation <-- Ohhh, I like the juxtaposition of destruction/transformation - and I me love some Indian images.
Two sides of one coin.
I am holy.
I am sacred.
Consecrated, not desecrated, ground. Consecrated. Not desecrated ground.
You,
the bringers of bad news and bruises and babies no one wanted, the bringers of bad news and bruises and babies unwanted,
you have not won.
I am not beaten up I am not broken down
or broken down. or beaten up.
I am alive with passion, pleasure, pain, perception -and- compassion.
Because when there is nothing left to lose, you give nothing or you give all. ...you give your nothing or your all.
I gave all to this journey you set me on, softening sharp edges, And I have given all ...
opening eyes and heart and mind to the idea that there is
So.
Much.
More.
To.
Life.
Than you.
You told me it was all black and white and shade of grey -- and I found color anyway. You told me it was all just... -- but I found color anyway.
I win.
To the men who have loved me To the men who've done me good
You brave souls that stepped in when I was decimated. Brave souls stepping in when I was decimated,
Hated - by self and others. and hated even by myself.
Alone, enraged, and so damn scared I could barely stand straight.
You are the flickering flames that lit this path,
warmed my skin,
calmed my fears.
You.
Are.
Love.
Love divine, love incarnate, love physical and metaphysical.
Love without bounds or limits,
concessions or conditions.
It pours from your pores like balm.
It coats me.
Soothes my sores, washed clean by love.
You.
Are.
Love.
Love abiding, love patient, love kind.
You sat by my unlocked cage and waited ever so faithfully, You sat beside my open cage
waiting faithfully
talking through the bars,
until I set myself free.
Me.
I did it.
You are not saviors or white knights. You're not saviors nor white knights.
You did not lend me your power for my protection.
You are sages, guides who guided me to my own light,
my own flame.
You did not roar for me You didn't sing for me
but with me
until I could carry the tune myself. 'til I carried the tune myself.
You are the soil in which I take root,
building the blooms I want to show the world. growing the bloom I want in the world.
Glimpsing your own divinity is not so hard, really,
when it is reflected in the eye of one who can already see it. when reflected in the eyes of those who see it clearly.
So, here you can see I've made zero changes. I've only offered some suggestions that might only please my own asthetic. Toss whatever you don't like. Personally, I got plenty of satisfaction from your original - especially the first half.
Posts: 2,357
Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
Hello Graca,
Welcome to the site! I can't tell from your opening comments if you want this to stay as spoken work or if you wanted to transition out of that style. I'll just give you some general comments below.
(03-26-2017, 02:35 AM)Graca Wrote: First post
It's more spoken word/much less beautiful and articulate than what I've read on here so far, but it's the only style I can write in!
As spoken word this opening doesn't bother me much. I expect a halting sort of delivery in that approach. As a written piece, its flabby and takes a bit too long to get ramped up. It's probably too invasive to address each line and show what a written version would look like but I'll provide some feedback to get you started.
To the men --I'd probably just leave this as the title for illustration below I'll show cuts
To the men who have done me harm
I see you.
I know you.
Your crimes have been documented,--This is the most interesting line. I'd get to this more quickly.
etched in my mind, --develop this image more. Your mind is too abstract. Pick a concrete means of etching and pursue it.
kept captive in silence.--Again this is something that needs to be developed with imagery as it stands its too abstract. If you want some more guidance let's deal with it in the comments.
No more.
You are known.
Your stories have been told.
Aloud.
I am not the bearer of your secrets --This is an interesting idea to develop. Think of how you can back this up with imagery instead of flat statements.
or your lies
anymore. --This is implied in the secrets and harm above.
I have shed that skin like the snake you are.--I like the you are addition it makes the image pop.
I have set down that burden.--You skate one layer one layer above where you need to be.
You have not won.
My heart and mind are mine.
We serve each other, body and soul -- we don't serve you.
I am not yours to sample or consume.
I am neither delicacy nor indelicacy.
I am not meek, hiding from your fists and dicks
anymore.
I am whole woman, full of power and creation
Shakti
full of Kali's destruction/transformation
Two sides of one coin.
I am holy.
I am sacred.
Consecrated, not desecrated, ground.
You,
the bringers of bad news and bruises and babies no one wanted,
you have not won.
I am not beaten up
or broken down.
I am alive with passion, pleasure, pain, perception -and- compassion.
Because when there is nothing left to lose, you give nothing or you give all.
I gave all to this journey you set me on, softening sharp edges,
opening eyes and heart and mind to the idea that there is
So.
Much.
More.
To.
Life.
Than you.
You told me it was all black and white and shade of grey -- and I found color anyway.
I win.
To the men who have loved me
You brave souls that stepped in when I was decimated.
Hated - by self and others.
Alone, enraged, and so damn scared I could barely stand straight.
You are the flickering flames that lit this path,
warmed my skin,
calmed my fears.
You.
Are.
Love.
Love divine, love incarnate, love physical and metaphysical.
Love without bounds or limits,
concessions or conditions.
It pours from your pores like balm.
It coats me.
Soothes my sores, washed clean by love.
You.
Are.
Love.
Love abiding, love patient, love kind.
You sat by my unlocked cage and waited ever so faithfully,
talking through the bars,
until I set myself free.
Me.
I did it.
You are not saviors or white knights.
You did not lend me your power for my protection.
You are sages, guides who guided me to my own light,
my own flame.
You did not roar for me
but with me
until I could carry the tune myself.
You are the soil in which I take root,
building the blooms I want to show the world.
Glimpsing your own divinity is not so hard, really,
when it is reflected in the eye of one who can already see it.
I'm going to stop there and let you think about the imagery. Whether this is spoken or written it needs to draw closer to the imagery I think to be effective. I didn't want to get too pedantic in the Mild forum. I hope the comments help some.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 107
Threads: 10
Joined: Nov 2015
Echoing the above, I think the areas where your poem works the best are where you are showing your images instead of listing them, for example the Shakti/Kali lines as well as shedding skin (although shedding skin is a bit cliche). One of the most difficult parts of effective poetry is evoking what you mean to say without outright saying it.
The long line of statements reads a bit ranty, not so poetic but it has some good spots....and practice will facilitate more.
|
