Preamble

[Wjames]

Ten shins were bundled tight
beneath the knotty alder table
supporting our glasses.

It was Dean’s cabin,
and he sat at the table’s head
drinking whiskey like a scoundrel
getting ready for a crime.

I drank slowly, measuring the eyes
of the girl opposite me, watching the hands
of the grandfather clock as it neared its chime.

The girl’s father had been in the army,
and she would move from base to base
like a leadoff hitter headed home.

She had met Dean at a bar a few weeks ago,
and he told me she was an angry fuck,
biting and scratching until she came.

She brought two friends,
a slim blonde with crooked teeth,
and a short brunette with grey eyes.

They looked like college girls,
draped in cardigans with their thighs
wrapped in neon jeans.

I pretended to be interested
in their stories.

[Todd]

Some initial thoughts--slice of life narrative that could be tightened up with some cuts and not lose much. 

Ten shins were bundled tight
beneath the knotty alder table
supporting our glasses.--Don't think you need these three lines. They seem unimportant for the moment. It isn't about the shins, table, or glasses.

It was Dean’s cabin,
and he sat at the table’s head--Same with these two lines. To this point, everything feels too flat to be an interesting opening. Possibly you could join a bit of this to the strophe below and try:

Dean drank whiskey like a scoundrel (This line would be a stronger idea to lead with in my opinion).
getting ready for a crime
I drank slowly... 
drinking whiskey like a scoundrel
getting ready for a crime.

I drank slowly, measuring the eyes
of the girl opposite me, watching the hands--Very nice break. I like the shift from girl to clock.
of the grandfather clock as it neared it’s chime.--typo: its

The girl’s father had been in the army,
and she would move from base to base--This also is a fun break and simile.
like a leadoff hitter headed home.

She had met Dean at a bar a few weeks ago,
and he told me she was an angry fuck,
biting and scratching until she came.--If we are going here, then I think you can reflect on how unimportant the table is.

She brought two friends,
a slim blonde with crooked teeth,
and a short brunette with grey eyes.--The focus on only appearance sets the right tone for the themes you're working with.

They looked like college girls,
draped in cardigans with their thighs
wrapped in neon jeans.--Good concrete description

I pretended to be interested
in their stories.

Just some thoughts to consider.

Best,

Todd

[Wjames]

Thanks for your thoughts, Todd.

I really like the first stanza, I wanted the "ten shins" thing to be an image representing "tensions", but I don't know if that idea translates.

I agree with your thoughts on the second stanza, I'll try and fix that, and I'll fix the typo right away.

[egr]

Hey

I enjoyed reading this poem. I think you have a solid start and with a little work it could really bite.

Ten shins were bundled tight
beneath the knotty alder table
supporting our glasses. I like the first two lines, could do without the third. I think there is a sort of neat "zoom-in" quality to the escalation of action and where the focus heads, but I get what Todd is saying. By the end of the poem, I'm not as certain about the opening.

It was Dean’s cabin,
and he sat at the table’s head
drinking whiskey like a scoundrel
getting ready for a crime. I'm not a fan of this stanza. I dislike "like a scoundrel getting ready for a crime". It's not working even the slightest bit for me. I think some of the information is necessary--Dean and his ownership and the whiskey--but I'm not very interested in its expression.

I drank slowly, measuring the eyes
of the girl opposite me, watching the hands
of the grandfather clock as it neared its chime. The strongest stanza by far.

The girl’s father had been in the army,
and she would move from base to base
like a leadoff hitter headed home. I appreciate the "base to base" entendre, but the following line loses me. I would cut the whole stanza. If you're not interested in the girl's story, why is this here? The army daughter thing seems a little played out to me, too. I think you should let the reader fill in their own blanks about the type of girl this is.

She had met Dean at a bar a few weeks ago,
and he told me she was an angry fuck,
biting and scratching until she came. While not as technically or poetically fine as the third stanza, this stanza is my favorite. "an angry fuck"--yes! THIS is the type of detail that fits with your conclusion. Own that objectification.

She brought two friends,
a slim blonde with crooked teeth,
and a short brunette with grey eyes. Having trouble with this one. The first line is boring but it seems necessary to introduce the girls. I'm wondering why these girls warrant a physical description while the first doesn't. I like the second line. I'm mixed about the third line, maybe because it seems too tame or even positive (if only because it's not negative).

They looked like college girls,
draped in cardigans with their thighs
wrapped in neon jeans. Wavering here. I liked it at first, except that 'draped' and 'wrapped' was too heavy for me. But as I ponder it, I think that I don't so much like the 'thighs wrapped', and then I consider whether 'draped in cardigans' is a bit stale. Yes, I think as I read it over it becomes less and less interesting. Perhaps because, again, detailing something like clothing--and not even sexy clothing--seems out of character from what I'm getting of the speaker's sensibilities.

I pretended to be interested
in their stories. I like it. It's understated, but has a little snark. BUT I wouldn't blink if someone else were to tell me they didn't like it. I think you have some work to do on the lead-up to earn this ending.

Thinking back to the criticisms in the beginning, I'm starting to come around to Todd's suggestions for cuts. I feel like this poem would have more of a punch if you pack it up tighter. Something seemingly slighter, wispier, would suit the nature of the poem's stake.

I look forward to your edits!
EGR

---

Something like this is what I have in mind (hope this is OK, admins):


I drank slowly, measuring the eyes
of the girl opposite me, watching the hands
of the grandfather clock as it neared its chime. 

She had met Dean at a bar a few weeks ago,
and he told me she was an angry fuck,
biting and scratching until she came.

She brought college friends,
a slim blonde with crooked teeth,
and a short one, grey eyes and neon jeans.

I pretended to be interested
in their stories.

[ellajam]

This appeals to me, the sadness of what is a common situation shows through in the poem's bluntness. I think the contrast of the rich language at the beginning slipping into banality mostly works, it could use a little polish, some notes below:

Ten shins were bundled tight
beneath the knotty alder table
supporting our glasses.

I like the opening line, it caught my interest. My first image was splints of wood, when I checked to see if shins is used that way I came across this:
"Shin: noun, Buddhism.
1.
a Japanese offshoot of the Pure Land Sect, requiring only faith in Amida for salvation through his accumulated merit."
It was fun trying to apply that to the poem, though I'm sure it's off track. I'm sorry I read your comment about tensions because I don't know if I would have got it on my own, I didn't on my half dozen reads. So by L2 I have the image and I like it, it has the tightness and no corner to hide, the close face to face with no choice that sets the scene. I like bringing up drinking in L3, it foretells the future, but "supporting" is clunky.

It was Dean’s cabin,
and he sat at the table’s head I think "Dean sat at the table's head" would do fine.
drinking whiskey like a scoundrel
getting ready for a crime.

I drank slowly, measuring the eyes
of the girl opposite me, watching the hands
of the grandfather clock as it neared its chime.
ut oh, I was in a boat cabin, the tightest place I could think of, until the grandfather clock. Unless the size of the clock or grandfather has some meaning I'm missing you may want to leave that detail out and let "cabin" and those bundled shins work their image freely.  Other than my own trip, lovely lines. 

The girl’s father had been in the army, This line has no charm and I think it is too early to bring in the flatness that develops.
and she would move from base to base
like a leadoff hitter headed home.
Love these two lines, fun wordplay and gives a seesaw of wandering/goal focused with a fulcrum of sex.

She had met Dean at a bar a few weeks ago, Another clunky line, "Dean told me..." would be fine.
and he told me she was an angry fuck,
biting and scratching until she came.
Boy talk, great clarity into the big picture.

She brought two friends,
a slim blonde with crooked teeth,
and a short brunette with grey eyes.
I'm not sure you need need these three lines, you could say "Her friends looked like college girls" below and get the same boredom. They do flatten out the poem in a way I think you intend, maybe it would work better if you changed the flattened lines in the previous strophes, like falling off a cliff here instead of a gradual descent. I'm not sure.

They looked like college girls,
draped in cardigans with their thighs I like the break on thighs but the line itself is odd, maybe
no comma after "girls", then "draped in cardigans, their thighs".
wrapped in neon jeans.

I pretended to be interested
in their stories.
Really? I doubt it, the N's mind is busy with Dean's girl, the contrast between her and the others is clear. I'd like a stronger statement of disinterest or acceptance or settling, whatever you are going for here.

I hope this helps a bit.

[Todd]

You know for this line:

The girl’s father had been in the army

You could just condense with something like: "She was an army brat..."