Maybe Now edit 3

[CRNDLSM]

Edit 3

I heard a little bird crying
so loud it filled the whole earth.
when it stopped, I tossed and turned,
it seemed absurd that no one else had stirred.
I saw the little bird lying
so long it rotted in the dirt.
I didn't squirm to see the worms,
but my stomach churns imagining how it's death occurred.
I thought a little bird trying
to make it through deserved
a quick death that didn't hurt.
Something tells me, it's really going to hurt.

Maybe a bird in the dirt is a really bad omen.
Maybe it's just a coincidence, but maybe not.
Maybe an apple a day will keep me healthy for a while.
Maybe a walk in the morning would be a good start,
but for someone to tell me they love me...
that could make any pain worthwhile
cause I feel so pitiful.
There's nothing else as strong as that
when loneliness rips me apart.
Put back together, I'm stronger than ever before
in my heart.


Edit 2

I've seen so many things.
I see her face and need to scream.
These vicious dreams will never end -
I want to say I loved her.
I've seen without relief.
Everyday, I trace her memory
in melodies she'll never sing
because I couldn't save her.
I heard a little bird crying
so loud it filled the whole Earth.
When it stopped I tossed and turned.
It seemed absurd that no one else had stirred.

Maybe now, if I sing
she can forgive me 
for everything I never did.
Maybe I'll finally
get a full night's sleep.
Maybe I'm breaking or waiting
to see if it's working, if she hears.
Maybe you wouldn't have said
anything either, though, but know:
being ignored when you need someone
might as well kill you, it's vile,
and feels worse than pitiful.
If she had said something
it wouldn't have ripped us apart.
We can't get back together,
and there will always be a hole
in my heart.



Edit 1

I've seen so many things,
I could list them endlessly:
new and old, love and war,
success and failure.
I've seen what can't be unseen.
Sometimes I shake up dead memories,
categorized and made melody,
forgetting to censure.
Then I heard too much: a bird
crying so loud it filled the whole Earth,
and when it stopped I tossed and turned.
It seemed absurd that no one else had stirred.

Maybe now, if you think
putting your heart out there
helps anyone, then you don't know.
There's always a conflict of interest
in being yourself, cause it hurts.
Maybe an apple a day
will keep you healthy for a while.
Maybe a walk in the morning
would be a good start, it won't hurt,
but ignoring when someone might need you
might as well kill you, it's vile,
and you'll look so pitiful.
Everytime I sing this song,
it easily rips me apart, but
put back together, I'm stronger 
than ever before, in my heart.



Original

I've seen so many things:
a mother's eyes as she sings.
Her baby smiles because she knows
how much her mother loves her.

I've seen so many things:
a lovers heart wrapped in a ring.
When she sings, her soul wrings
on bended knees

I heard a little bird crying 
so loud it filled the whole earth.
When it stopped I tossed and turned.
It seemed absurd, no one else had stirred.

Maybe now, we can all 
go out and get along 
with someone else we don't know
without the conflict of interest
in being ourselves.  It won't hurt.
Maybe an apple a day 
will keep you healthy for a while.
Maybe a walk in the morning 
would be a good start,
but for someone to tell you they love you...
well, that will give you that smile
that you wear so beautiful.
Something as strong as that can easily
rip you apart. But, put back together,
will be stronger than ever before
in your heart.

[Todd]

Hi CRNDLSM,

I may be the wrong person to read this poem because I keep wanting to make savage cuts. That may not be fair to your style. So, let me lay out what I'm thinking.

I've seen so many things:
a mother's eyes as she sings.
Her baby smiles because she knows
how much her mother loves her.

I've seen so many things:--This repeated refrain may not buy you much. I'd be tempted to cut it from S2
a lovers heart wrapped in a ring.
When she sings, her soul wrings
on bended knees

I heard a little bird crying--Now you've moved away from what you've seen to something you've heard. Maybe keep the structure deliberately ("I've heard too much: "a little bird crying" 
so loud it filled the whole earth.
When it stopped I tossed and turned.
It seemed absurd, no one else had stirred.--I'm not sure how I feel about the internal rhyme but I do think this strophe is the most powerful in the poem. This is the epiphany, the moment that the speaker cannot un-hear or un-see.

Maybe now, we can all 
go out and get along 
with someone else we don't know
without the conflict of interest
in being ourselves.  It won't hurt.
Maybe an apple a day 
will keep you healthy for a while.
Maybe a walk in the morning 
would be a good start,
but for someone to tell you they love you...
well, that will give you that smile
that you wear so beautiful.
Something as strong as that can easily
rip you apart. But, put back together,
will be stronger than ever before--Feels like you need a "you' to open this line
in your heart.

The suggested long cut feels too meandering to me.

Just some thoughts to consider.

Best,

Todd

[nibbed]

Hi, CRNDLSM

I really liked the first three stanzas and I get
where you were going with them wanting
to meet up with the maybes (the title seems
to reflect). I would rework and simplify it a bit.
I definitely can see this worked clearer.
I somehow saw a taste of beauty and then a spilling
of hope and help? Have a blessed day!

[CRNDLSM]

Greatly appreciate it Todd, not nearly as savage as my own, i think i meed a major overhaul, for s2 I considered a felt smelt take to change up the senses more but  I still may be able to in changing that line.  Will take your suggestion for s3 and as far as the Savage cut I need to just rework it for length, I thought the offbeat pattern made the first half more interesting

---

Hi, CRNDLSM
Thanks for the read nibbed
I really liked the first three stanzas and I get
where you were going with them wanting
to meet up with the maybes (the title seems
to reflect). I would rework and simplify it a bit.
I definitely can see this worked clearer. What worked clearer?
I somehow saw a taste of beauty and then a spilling
of hope and help? Have a blessed day!

[Lizzie]

Hi Crundalism. For me, this is your poem:

I heard a little bird crying 
so loud it filled the whole earth.
When it stopped I tossed and turned.
It seemed absurd, no one else had stirred.

-----

The rest does not work for me, but this bit ^ is profound and emotional. It'll stand so much taller on its own.

That be my advice.

Cheers,

Lizzie

[nibbed]

Greatly appreciate it Todd, not nearly as savage as my own, i think i meed a major overhaul, for s2 I considered a felt smelt take to change up the senses more but  I still may be able to in changing that line.  Will take your suggestion for s3 and as far as the Savage cut I need to just rework it for length, I thought the offbeat pattern made the first half more interesting

---

Hi, CRNDLSM
Thanks for the read nibbed
I really liked the first three stanzas and I get
where you were going with them wanting
to meet up with the maybes (the title seems
to reflect). I would rework and simplify it a bit.
I definitely can see this worked clearer. What worked clearer?
I somehow saw a taste of beauty and then a spilling
of hope and help? Have a blessed day!

Hi, CRNDLSM,

I get a little jumbled...but it's likely more me
and my moments of poor comprehension
than any error or confusion from the writer:



Maybe now, we can all 
go out and get along                                     
with someone else we don't know                           - Lines 3 & 4
without the conflict of interest                               
in being ourselves.  It won't hurt.                           
Maybe an apple a day                                             - surprised at this
will keep you healthy for a while.                              
Maybe a walk in the morning 
would be a good start,                                      
but for someone to tell you they love you...           
well, that will give you that smile
that you wear so beautiful.
Something as strong as that can easily                   
rip you apart. But, put back together,                      - rip you apart?
will be stronger than ever before
in your heart.



best wishes

[Todd]

This is a strange thing to say. I feel like your words are getting in the way of your poem. It's a sculpture trapped in marble. I hope you don't mind some liberties with your edit and borrowed some from your original. Here's the sculpture that's trying to get out in my opinion.

It's vile ignoring when someone might need you,
might as well kill you,
and you'll look so pitiful.
Every time I sing this song,
it easily rips me apart. 

I heard a little bird crying 

so loud it filled the whole Earth.
When it stopped I tossed and turned.
It seemed absurd, no one else had stirred.

~~
A few other comments below just to give some more reasoning behind what I just said.

Edit

I've seen so many things,
I could list them endlessly:
new and old, love and war,
success and failure.
I've seen what can't be unseen.
Sometimes I shake up distant memories,--All of this reads too vague to draw me in. You can use abstract words and still pull it off (Jacques Prevert "This Love" is a good example)
categorized and made melody,
forgetting to censure.
Then I heard too much: a bird
crying so loud it filled the whole Earth,
and when it stopped I tossed and turned.
It seemed absurd that no one else had stirred.

Maybe now, if you think
putting your heart out there
helps anyone, then you don't know.
There's always a conflict of interest
in being yourself, cause it hurts.
Maybe an apple a day
will keep you healthy for a while.
Maybe a walk in the morning
would be a good start, it won't hurt,--This feels a little too making a speech like in a movie scene.
but ignoring when someone might need you
might as well kill you, it's vile,
and you'll look so pitiful.
Everytime I sing this song, (Typo: Every time)
it easily rips me apart, but
put back together, I'm stronger 
than ever before, in my heart.



Original

I've seen so many things:
a mother's eyes as she sings.
Her baby smiles because she knows
how much her mother loves her.

I've seen so many things:
a lovers heart wrapped in a ring.
When she sings, her soul wrings
on bended knees

I heard a little bird crying 
so loud it filled the whole earth.
When it stopped I tossed and turned.
It seemed absurd, no one else had stirred.

Maybe now, we can all 
go out and get along 
with someone else we don't know
without the conflict of interest
in being ourselves.  It won't hurt.
Maybe an apple a day 
will keep you healthy for a while.
Maybe a walk in the morning 
would be a good start,
but for someone to tell you they love you...
well, that will give you that smile
that you wear so beautiful.
Something as strong as that can easily
rip you apart. But, put back together,
will be stronger than ever before
in your heart.

I do like the core of this and hope you don't mind the clear liberties I took for clarity.

Best,

Todd

[Andrew Davis]

Fantastic piece. Very thought provoking! Upon reading both before and after the edits you made I agree that the simplified version adds complexity and uniqueness. I also appreciate the "Apple a Day" reference as it makes it easier for the reader to connect with what the narrator expresses. -Andrew

[CRNDLSM]

I'm trying to keep the length, and strengthen the core, maybe make this passable as a full meal. Thanks for everyone's suggestions, I'm willing to take it further!

[Todd]

This does read better to me. A few new comments below.

Sometimes I find a title change can focus the work. I would suggest considering "Everything I Never Did" from S2 L3.

 

Edit 2

I've seen so many things.
I see her face and need to scream.--Seeing her face seems less important than that she needs to scream is there anyway you could combine these ideas more seemlessly.
These vicious dreams will never end ---vicious dreams is a bit too telling to me.
I want to say I loved her.
I've seen without relief.
Everyday, I trace her memory--typo you want Every day
in melodies she'll never sing
because I couldn't save her.--lines like this that make conclusions steal tension. I'd be tempted to cut it.
I heard a little bird crying
so loud it filled the whole Earth.
When it stopped I tossed and turned.
It seemed absurd that no one else had stirred.

Maybe now, if I sing
she can forgive me 
for everything I never did.
Maybe I'll finally
get a full night's sleep.
Maybe I'm breaking or waiting
to see if it's working, if she hears.
Maybe you wouldn't have said
anything either, though, but know:
being ignored when you need someone
might as well kill you, it's vile,
and feels worse than pitiful.
If she had said something
it wouldn't have ripped us apart.
We can't get back together,
and there will always be a hole
in my heart.--Hole in my heart is a bit predictable maybe a replacement.

Best,

Todd

[Lizzie]

Edit 2

I've seen so many things. -- do you need the vagueness of 'things'? Is there anything specific you could substitute with?
I see her face and need to scream.
These vicious dreams will never end - --is the seeing her face and screaming part of a dream? I'd make that clearer if it is, otherwise it makes no sense to lead with 'these' if you're not referring back to something.
I want to say I loved her.
I've seen without relief. -- this line adds little for me. I'd cut it.
Everyday, I trace her memory
in melodies she'll never sing -- I like tracing with melodies
because I couldn't save her. -- I agree with Todd that this steals energy, especially so close to the beginning. This could perhaps work as a closing line.
I heard a little bird crying
so loud it filled the whole Earth.
When it stopped I tossed and turned. -- tossed and turned is a cliche
It seemed absurd that no one else had stirred. -- again, this is my favorite line

Maybe now, if I sing
she can forgive me 
for everything I never did. -- good line
Maybe I'll finally
get a full night's sleep. -- condense to "maybe I'll finally sleep"
Maybe I'm breaking or waiting -- where did 'breaking' come from? Waiting to see if it's working makes sense.
to see if it's working, if she hears.
Maybe you wouldn't have said -- all of these maybes is making me want something solid. I don't like the constant repetition.
anything either, though, but know:
being ignored when you need someone
might as well kill you, it's vile,
and feels worse than pitiful.
If she had said something
it wouldn't have ripped us apart. -- what wouldn't have? This line is not adding anything.
We can't get back together,
and there will always be a hole -- hole in the heart is cliche and done to death; I can't empathize with the speaker if I feel like the same thing is being said that's always been said by everybody else who's lost someone, I just tune out.
in my heart.

Overall, it needs more show and less tell. It's a tough topic to do, love and loss, without sounding cliche. But, you can do it.

Cheers, Crundle.

Lizzie

[CRNDLSM]

Trying a different route