A Glorious Freedom

[nibbed]

3rd Revision


After Ten Years of Tinnitus

Self-awareness,
and chains of paper
form relentless buzzing chimes;

Had an index
pressing a stemmed glass edge
climbed into my head?

Headphones, soothing notes,
gracious tones,

rest maestros.



False Guilt

Trials push open doors
to games of ghosts.

Death's trauma
brings chaos & confusion,

communications prove
dysfunction;

Humble surrender
finds little refuge

as enlightenment accords
separation:

You are a victim
of human flawlessness
that doesn't exist.

Refuge is lost behind
translucent veils,

persistent faulty pantomimes
fail death's scourge;

In shines the security
of God's fortress:

Only at the feet
of the Lord Jesus Christ

will loyalty's perfection
& cure's surety be found,

as He tears away any trace
of illegitimate shame,

assuring the wishes
of those in His presence
are His wishes, too.

[Caleb Murdock]

I don't see you getting an answer to this, so I'll say something.

First, I wonder if you are really looking for a critique, or if you are just proselytizing.  I'll assume you really want a critique.

The problem with this poem isn't just your writing, which is fairly clear in its structure but not in its meaning, but your unoriginal message.  Jesus-Christ-as-cure-all-for-everything-that-ails-you isn't exactly a new message.  It's the message being pushed by [some] Christians all over the world, and it doesn't make a good poem.  I'm not saying that you have to abandon your message, but rather you need to explain what the guilt is that you are feeling, and then tell us why Jesus has resolved that guilt for you.  Let me add my opinion that Christ himself would tell you that self-knowledge is important, and wouldn't advise you to be thoughtless about your problems and just believe in HIM.  (Donald Trump might give that advice, but not Jesus, in my view.)

Why is self-awareness "hyped", and what are the paper chains you refer to?

What is the "game"?  If self-awareness is the game, you won't get far with that message!

What are you hiding from/surrendering to/cowering from?

What made your shame "illegitimate"?  Et cetera.

If you want to just push the Jesus-Christ-as-Savior message, then become a preacher.  If you want to write good poetry, you need to exhibit some true introspection beyond "Christ fixed me!"  I occasionally watch television preachers, and although I am not a Christian, the best of them have interesting things to say.  Your poem, as it stands, isn't conveying an interesting message.

I'm sorry if my comments sound a little harsh.

If you search for my poem Struggling with Conversion (on this forum), you'll find an opposing point of view.

Please restrict criticism to the poem, not the poet or the poet's intention.  It is inappropriate and often unwelcome to be providing life advice in a critique.  It is also inappropriate to publicise one's own poem/ Admin

blah blah blah blah blah -- I said just what he needed to hear.

[nibbed]

I don't see you getting an answer to this, so I'll say something.

First, I wonder if you are really looking for a critique, or if you are just proselytizing.  I'll assume you really want critique.

The problem with this poem isn't just your writing, which is fairly clear in its structure but not in its meaning, but your unoriginal message.  Jesus-Christ-as-cure-all-for-everything-that-ails-you isn't exactly a new message.  It's the message being pushed by [some] Christians all over the world, and it doesn't make a good poem.  I'm not saying that you have to abandon your message, but rather you need to explain what the guilt is that you are feeling, and then tell us why Jesus Christ has resolved that guilt for you.  Let me add my opinion that Christ himself would tell you that self-knowledge is important, and wouldn't advise you to be thoughtless about your problems and just believe in HIM.  (Donald Trump might give that advice, but not Jesus, in my view.)

Why is self-awareness "hyped", and what are the paper chains you refer to?

What is the "game"?  If self-awareness is the game, you won't get far with that message!

What are you hiding from/surrendering to/cowering from?

What made your shame "illegitimate"?  Et cetera.





If you want to just push the Jesus-Christ-as-Savior message, then become a preacher.  If you want to write good poetry, you need to exhibit some true introspection beyond "Christ fixed me!"  I occasionally watch television preachers, and although I am not a Christian, the best of them have interesting things to say.  Your poem, as it stands, isn't conveying an interesting message.

I'm sorry if my comments sound a little harsh.

If you search for my poem Struggling with Conversion (on this forum), you'll find an opposing point of view.

Hi Caleb

Thank you for reading my poem. I used "paper chains" to convey how some things that might imprison the mind are really not as strong compared to the powers of faith. "Illegitimate" referred to how shame holds no claim when conquering things that are made up. It was a poem written about false guilt, something that arises at times in certain people's lives. It can be debilitating, and sometimes more harmful to the psyche than actual guilt. It can cause sickness and despair. I have another example of false guilt, but at a much smaller superficial scale, a similar incident that happened to me, not involving any spiritual nature or battle of the mind:

I am at the grocery store. After purchasing personal items, I proceed to exit the store, but the alarm sounds! I know I am not guilty, but others may turn and look, immediately casting suspicion upon me. Well, I KNEW I paid for the products, but I still feel a little guilty. Certainly others who turn to look don't know the whole of it, perhaps they are whispering to their friend? I certainly paid, and I have the receipt. I know all the facts, the cashier knows, too. I show proof to the manager who comes running to bust me, and through the whole process I am feeling false guilt.  Perhaps it is my subconscious kicking back at me, after all, I did notice the cashier hadn't removed the security tag and I just shrugged it off...thinking it would be okay. Who knows why false guilt happens?

Of course the poem was pointing to a more direct spiritual matter for which I have personally struggled. I write poetry for many reasons, sometimes because of passion, sometimes because nature stirs me. Usually it's because of wars of the mind. Passion to a poet can come from many different places and from many different things. Some poets write in phases, they get drawn into one idea or another. Good poetry is that which comes from our heart of hearts. Many poets say such an encouragement is from a wonderful "Muse", others are inspired by desire, love, Creation, or nature. Poetry does not exclude faith. Poetry is non discriminatory. My desire to pen this particular poem came from One Most Passionate. As a believer I must remind myself of the liberty I have received from my God when trials of my mind try to bring me down or make me sad. It is a beautiful liberty that has been penned by great poets for centuries. I think of Fanny Crosby, a blind poetess, who used her passion to write several great works, most of which were then composed into music. Her poems fill the greatest hymn books ever written, giving hope and joy to millions. Poetry has the ability to heal, help, and promote great praise and joy. I also think of King David and the book of Psalms which has also blessed and helped many people. Even at funerals the 23rd Psalm is a comforting reminder and a healing balm to those grieving and heavy of heart.
 
I have difficulty with memory and comprehension at times. I also seek help with structure. My greater weaknesses are mostly grammar and punctuation . I also need help with rhythm and meter and forming verse in a clean orderly fashion, all of which I find a wonderfully great challenge.

Thank you so much for your thought-filled comments and taking the time to read my poem. I hope your day is filled with wonder and good fortune, too!

[Lizzie]

I found the poem to be too abstract and lacking in clarity. This however, from your comments, was clear and relatable:

"I am at the grocery store. After purchasing personal items, I proceed to exit the store, but the alarm sounds! I know I am not guilty, but others may turn and look, immediately casting suspicion upon me. Well, I KNEW I paid for the products, but I still feel a little guilty. Certainly others who turn to look don't know the whole of it, perhaps they are whispering to their friend? I certainly paid, and I have the receipt. I know all the facts, the cashier knows, too. I show proof to the manager who comes running to bust me, and through the whole process I am feeling false guilt."

A lot of people have similar feelings when they see a police officer, when they go through security checkpoints or customs, and it's for no particular reason. So, I think that you would do well to use this narrative as a basis for a revision. A story is always more engaging than abstractions.

I see that this isn't really the story that you're referring to the poem, but sometimes a little snippet is all you need to make your point. Whichever story you choose, I think the poem would be better with concrete details (even if they're not facts).

That's my advice. 

Best to you,

Lizzie

[Achebe]

I read Lizziep's crit and realised that she's summarised 99% of what I wanted to say. The pie lacks clarity for the reasons she's described.
I would also say that if you're trying to extrapolate from a commonplace experience to something deeper and more sublime, you need a transition strophe. Currently, the change in meaning from "hide" to the next line is too sudden, which makes it sound like he writer is overthinking things.

[Caleb Murdock]

nibbed, perhaps what I should have said is that the symbols which have so much meaning to you may not have much meaning to your readers. The best poetry is written in the same way someone would write an article, with a sharp eye on communicating the ideas in the poem. In the first five stanzas, I feel that you are expressing your feelings more than communicating. You need a balance of both. Always ask yourself, Will the reader understand my imagery and references? Of course, if you and your devout Christian friends have a special language, and if they are your intended audience, then that's a different matter.

[nibbed]

Caleb Murdock- Thanks for the second look and consideration.
I see what you are saying, it is exclusive, but couldn't be helped
during the flow. I will see if I can make it more understandable.
Thank you.

Achebe & Lizzie-
I tend to do better with Prose and short stories.
Seems I need to add something, though.
False guilt is nothing new to man,
I just figured WE ALL had our bouts
and it would be easily understood.
Perhaps I tend to be overly dramatic.


I will try to consider all these wonderful helps in my revision(s)

Thank you kindly.

[underthewronghat]

Nibbed,

Ordinarily, I'm full of my own opinions -especially on religious poems, but I think I have to humble myself and agree with the other responses.  I particularly liked Lizzie's advice.  A little bit of narrative structure opens the door to all this imagery.  There are famous exceptions to this rule.  Dean Young's "Arts of Camouflage" starts out pretty weird, and then slowly becomes more concrete --he admits, at the end, that the whole start of the poem was made up.
http://www.ilxor.com/ILX/ThreadSelectedC...boardid=55&threadid=1391

I think your poem would benefit from Lizzie's advice.  Tony Hoagland's poem, "Personal," is a modest example of this.  The poem starts with some concrete dialogue, and moves toward more imagery at the end --he was the dog barking and barking to get someone's attention.
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrym...tail/52646

Regarding your sense of poetry expressing religious themes --yes, I go with you all the way.  Vassar Miller is one of my favorite poets.  I don't think topics are ever trite.  Love poems have been written, ad infinitum, with new successes every day.  The trick with poetry is to be as schmaltzy or as didactic as you please, but with a more miraculous voice --make us see what danger love dared, or smell the exhaust of war, balance carefully on thin strips of rhythm and rhyme, or break apart grass roots and politics to feed the five thousand.

But nevertheless, I agree with most of the criticism in this thread.  Your imagery, especially at the start, seems too disconnected from the theme.  I also agree that the "false guilt" theme is not adequately voiced in the poem, and that none of us, as readers, had an idea about it until you related the narrative.  I think that's part of why Caleb got into trouble commenting about this, trying to figure where it was going.  Is "false guilt" when you take the blame for someone else --ie. Christ's sacrifice?  Religion is heavily laced with its own images and meanings, and can create a bit of a rat's nest with haphazard allusions, images, and metaphors.  It's the same reason I chafe against irreverent religious references in poems, because that critical imagery rarely seeks the richness that one finds in religion, and the allusions to great stories are often slight.  Unfortunately, as we often see, that sword cuts both ways, and I would have to say that religious poems are necessarily more difficult, requiring the aid of narratives, handling images more carefully, and often leaning on the structure of form poems to keep them more closely wound about a theme.

And we shouldn't forget that, while John Milton's most successful portrayal was the character of Satan, his least successful was the character of God in "Paradise Lost."  Critics agree that, while Milton was brilliant, God is simply the most difficult character to achieve in writing.  So it's a difficult task.

In short, it's hard to imagine a religious poem without imagery --reaching for the divine may require every tool at the writers disposal.  Many poems descend into repetition to mark the limits of language in dealing with the constancy and rhythm of the subject, "And miles to go before I sleep," or "Holy, holy, holy..."

One particular note I see is the enjambment in the second stanza.  It almost makes "pressing" sound like a tense-shift.  I had to read that line a few times.  I assume the image is one of a glass-harp being played in the mind.  The odd tense of "pressing" the stem and edge, and "climbing" all move us away from the musical image.  Once you have this musical image, then I think you can take off about stems, edges, fingers, and how it rises into the mind.  --But then, don't drop it.  Connect it to this feeling of false guilt.  Move the two together, give us a similarity.  Maybe this guilt is spiraling up a staircase or something.  We need to know --is this all random scenery around the theme, or is this a specific image of what the theme is like?  Right now it seems more like disjointed scenery.

Anyway, I love that you take your poems with you into the BIG stuff.  Poems aren't shy like that.  Keep on rocking!

[nibbed]

Nibbed,

Ordinarily, I'm full of my own opinions -especially on religious poems, but I think I have to humble myself and agree with the other responses.  I particularly liked Lizzie's advice.  A little bit of narrative structure opens the door to all this imagery.  There are famous exceptions to this rule.  Dean Young's "Arts of Camouflage" starts out pretty weird, and then slowly becomes more concrete --he admits, at the end, that the whole start of the poem was made up.
http://www.ilxor.com/ILX/ThreadSelectedC...boardid=55&threadid=1391

I think your poem would benefit from Lizzie's advice.  Tony Hoagland's poem, "Personal," is a modest example of this.  The poem starts with some concrete dialogue, and moves toward more imagery at the end --he was the dog barking and barking to get someone's attention.
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrym...tail/52646

Regarding your sense of poetry expressing religious themes --yes, I go with you all the way.  Vassar Miller is one of my favorite poets.  I don't think topics are ever trite.  Love poems have been written, ad infinitum, with new successes every day.  The trick with poetry is to be as schmaltzy or as didactic as you please, but with a more miraculous voice --make us see what danger love dared, or smell the exhaust of war, balance carefully on thin strips of rhythm and rhyme, or break apart grass roots and politics to feed the five thousand.

But nevertheless, I agree with most of the criticism in this thread.  Your imagery, especially at the start, seems too disconnected from the theme.  I also agree that the "false guilt" theme is not adequately voiced in the poem, and that none of us, as readers, had an idea about it until you related the narrative.  I think that's part of why Caleb got into trouble commenting about this, trying to figure where it was going.  Is "false guilt" when you take the blame for someone else --ie. Christ's sacrifice?  Religion is heavily laced with its own images and meanings, and can create a bit of a rat's nest with haphazard allusions, images, and metaphors.  It's the same reason I chafe against irreverent religious references in poems, because that critical imagery rarely seeks the richness that one finds in religion, and the allusions to great stories are often slight.  Unfortunately, as we often see, that sword cuts both ways, and I would have to say that religious poems are necessarily more difficult, requiring the aid of narratives, handling images more carefully, and often leaning on the structure of form poems to keep them more closely wound about a theme.

And we shouldn't forget that, while John Milton's most successful portrayal was the character of Satan, his least successful was the character of God in "Paradise Lost."  Critics agree that, while Milton was brilliant, God is simply the most difficult character to achieve in writing.  So it's a difficult task.

In short, it's hard to imagine a religious poem without imagery --reaching for the divine may require every tool at the writers disposal.  Many poems descend into repetition to mark the limits of language in dealing with the constancy and rhythm of the subject, "And miles to go before I sleep," or "Holy, holy, holy..."

One particular note I see is the enjambment in the second stanza.  It almost makes "pressing" sound like a tense-shift.  I had to read that line a few times.  I assume the image is one of a glass-harp being played in the mind.  The odd tense of "pressing" the stem and edge, and "climbing" all move us away from the musical image.  Once you have this musical image, then I think you can take off about stems, edges, fingers, and how it rises into the mind.  --But then, don't drop it.  Connect it to this feeling of false guilt.  Move the two together, give us a similarity.  Maybe this guilt is spiraling up a staircase or something.  We need to know --is this all random scenery around the theme, or is this a specific image of what the theme is like?  Right now it seems more like disjointed scenery.

Anyway, I love that you take your poems with you into the BIG stuff.  Poems aren't shy like that.  Keep on rocking!

Hi underthewronghat

Thank you for your comment on my poem. I completely understand where everyone seems to be going. It will be difficult to revise it much more. It was written during a time of spiritual conflict, a battle of the mind. It will serve some usefulness, I suppose. I now use it as a reminder to truth. Sometimes when we feel we are up against a Goliath, we need a sling and stones to remind us of the true power. I guess it is very personal and not popular because others may not face this similar battle. It is indeed a faith based poem, and such conflicts have been shared with others of my faith, and so its obscurity will only ever fit to that one very small particular audience. Thank you, I will indeed examine your links. Thank you so much for your thoroughly wonderful critique!