Pops

[Weeded]

Edit 2
I built my house with Father
from an old fallen oak.

I played baseball without a glove,
had little league dreams.

I grew up quick,
supported mom in a toy store.

Mom didn't like her,
she had five bad kids.

Newlywed, duly blessed
with five fine stepchildren.

Iron words without fists
made holes in doors,

moments spent forever
in work my genius soared.

Stripes meant I served the flag right,
damn right that's life's dedication.

Only vacation I ever took
my son passed
and my eye was taken.

Wife said it's my fault
with a mouthful of pills

I bought an eyepatch for a buck
and kept paying the bills

but to perceive distance was impossible
now disabled at a desk.

Thirteen years later,
looking at my house from a distance

with guilt. Crosses affixing plaster,
pictures shadow memories
of a dream it seems

this house I built without Father
rests in smithereens.


Edit 1

As a kid
I played baseball without a glove,
I built my house
with Father from wood 
cut from the oak.

I grew up quick,
fell in love quicker,
found work at a toy store,
six months and I quit.

I do's, signed away life.
Recruiter said son you're great.
Saying son never felt right.

Vacation turned tragedy,
haunted by loss,
wife couldn't cope- antidepressants
left her alone.

Car crash halfed my sight,
I cover it with a patch
I got from a dollar store.

Military don't care about you,
they say son go here
knowing damn well I can't.

Thirteen years half blind
struggling to find the way,
this house I built without Father
did nothing but deteriorate

sure it's a pretty home;
corner of remembrance,
crosses on the wall,
but the foundation's spent
years hiding what's wrong.

Today I leave my wife
my kids, my life,
to try to see
what's behind the blind eye.

Original

I grew up poor,
played baseball without a glove,
I built my house
with Father with wood cut
from the oak next door.

Our backyard was a jungle
of essentials, apples to aloe
Mama could cook
long as the fruit hung low.

I grew up quick,
found work at a toy store,
fell in love even quicker,
six months and I quit.

Military bound after wedding vows,
I learned I'm a genius
that couldn't raise kids.

Car crash halfed my sight,
haunted by a lost son,
wife couldn't cope- antidepressants
leave her alone.

Military don't care about you,
I learned on a transfer
to a job I couldn't do.

Thirteen years half blind
struggling to find the way,
this house I built without Father
did nothing but deteriorate.

Today I left my wife
my kids, my life,
to try to see
what's behind the blind eye.[/i]

[Flos Campi]

Original

I grew up poor,
played baseball without a glove,
I built my house
with Father with wood cut Maybe move "cut" to the next line and just leave "with Father with wood" to make a nice parallel structure in this line. 
from the oak next door.

Our backyard was a jungle
of essentials, apples to aloe
Mama could cook
long as the fruit hung low.

I grew up quick,
found work at a toy store, love the contrast between adults' work and children's play
fell in love even quicker, maybe move this line before L11; it just seems to make this stance sound better to me
six months and I quit.

Military bound after wedding vows, maybe change "bound" to a different word ("pledges", etc., or even "vows" again) to emphasize the connection between being tied to the military and tied to marriage
I learned I'm a genius I don't quite understand the implication of this line - is the speaker literally a genius or is he saying it sarcastically? If the former, mention it in earlier stanzas. If the latter, maybe make it "some genius" or something along that line to clarify the tone. 
that couldn't raise kids.

Car crash halfed my sight,
haunted by a lost son,
wife couldn't cope- antidepressants
leave her alone. What is the action here? Are you saying they don't work on her or that they allow her to live normally? What is the effect of her depression on the speaker?

Military don't care about you, While I like the voice implied by using the word "don't" instead of "doesn't", it doesn't really seem consistent with the mostly standard diction in the rest of the poem. If you'd like to maintain this, maybe you could work in some more phrases like this throughout. 
I learned on a transfer
to a job I couldn't do. Why can't the speaker do it? Skill or personal reasons? Maybe add one more line to clarify the cause and/or effects of this failure. 

Thirteen years half blind
struggling to find the way,
this house I built without Father
did nothing but deteriorate. Beautiful lines!

Today I left my wife
my kids, my life,
to try to see
what's behind the blind eye. 

The conclusion is interesting and definitely powerful, but I think you could benefit from adding one more stanza before the last one explaining the buildup to the speaker's decision to leave everything. Does he experience internal conflict over this? Is it a sudden decision or a slowly formed one? Overall, I really enjoyed the narrative of this poem and hope to read it with some revisions to clarify this.

[CRNDLSM]

Original

I grew up poor,
played baseball without a glove,
I built my house
with Father with wood cut just a suggestion, 'with father from wood cut out of the oak'
from the oak next door.

Our backyard was a jungle
of essentials, apples to aloe
Mama could cook is mama cooking apples into an aloe? Wait, a jungle of essentials is a mismatch garden
long as the fruit hung low. Interpret how I want, tenacious d wrote a song called low hanging fruit...

I grew up quick,
found work at a toy store,
fell in love even quicker,
six months and I quit. I kinda like all these up and downs in this stanza, growing up to work in a toy store for kids, quit the toy store or quit the love? Six months makes me think nine/ten months that to have a baby

Military bound after wedding vows,
I learned I'm a genius
that couldn't raise kids.twisted, joining the military to escape parenthood

Car crash halfed my sight,in the military?
haunted by a lost son,
wife couldn't cope- antidepressants
leave her alone.

Military don't care about you,
I learned on a transfer
to a job I couldn't do.

Thirteen years half blind
struggling to find the way,
this house I built without Father
did nothing but deteriorate.cause when you were young you built your house with your father, this is a good stanza with the double meaning of blind

Today I left my wife
my kids, my life, it seems like today is everyday, military bound after wedding vows, haunted by a son...
to try to see
what's behind the blind eye. How about today I leave my wife

Cool stuff very personable voice, good character narrator

[Weeded]

Yo CRNDL and Flos,
Thank you for the feedback, I took both into consideration with the edit

mike

[nibbed]

[i]Edit 1
[/i]

As a kid
I played baseball without a glove,
I built my house
with Father from wood 
cut from the oak.

I grew up quick,
fell in love quicker,
found work at a toy store,
six months and I quit.

I do's, signed away life.
Recruiter said son you're great.
Saying son never felt right.

Vacation turned tragedy,
haunted by loss,
wife couldn't cope- antidepressants
left her alone.

Car crash halfed my sight,
I cover it with a patch
I got from a dollar store.

Military don't care about you,                      
they say son go here
knowing damn well I can't.

Thirteen years half blind                                 
struggling to find the way,
this house I built without Father
did nothing but deteriorate

sure it's a pretty home;                                  not sure about this semi-colon, seems wonky?
corner of remembrance,                               
crosses on the wall,
but the foundation's spent
years hiding what's wrong.

Today I leave my wife
my kids, my life,
to try to see
what's behind the blind eye.



I certainly have some level of pity for the narrator, but am left with a poem that holds an ending uncertain. I like that there is no judgement given by or to the narrator. He doesn't beat himself up, where as I expected he would, very often. I'm not sure if the title is a blessing tribute or a blindness of another sort. The entire poem holds an air of dishonesty, or half truth, maybe. It feels very non-threatening, but sort of sad, dark, and hopeless, too. I tried to peck it apart, honest, but I could not, as though it has been pecked to death already by a circling turkey vulture who went to work too soon. I think there should be something in there concerning quieting or refining a spirit once bright and vivacious, but, I suppose the demeanor of the poem expresses that...I feel a bit grouchy from reading it, but writers have been doing that to me lately. I guess it's called a stirring, where once I would have wept, I now just hold in tiny bits of fury and...frustration. Pops is rather a clever title, once I figure it out.

Best Wishes, truly

[Teeky]

Edit 1

As a kid This opening line is great at setting the scene with a reminiscent tone.
I played baseball without a glove, -nice rapid change from reminiscence to death of innocence via societal masculinity echoed through remainder of
I built my house.                          S1 and resets the tone for the rest of the poem. 
with Father from wood 
cut from the oak.
The last two lines seem repetitive somehow, although I enjoy the imagery invoked by the metaphor and the implicit disconnectedness (like objectivity rather than raw emotion) or sense of impending darkness. I interpret I built my house both literally and also metaphorically as in I made my bed and now must lie in it.

I grew up quick,
fell in love quicker,
found work at a toy store,
six months and I quit. This stanza feels like a filler, although I see how it prefaces the rest of the marital/family story. I enjoy the connection between growing up and working at a toy store. Quitting here is almost like quitting childhood, which echoes the death of innocence I felt in the first stanza. Not sure if the first two lines feel like a cliché, I like the abruptness of the last two.

I do's, signed away life.
Recruiter said son you're great.
Saying son never felt right. The last two lines of this stanza are really unique and masterfully understated. There may be more impactful terms for marriage and its burden than "I do's" and signing away life. Maybe something that makes the word recruiter feel more included in this stanza?

Vacation turned tragedy,
haunted by loss,
wife couldn't cope- antidepressants
left her alone. I wonder if this vacation tragedy and the car crash are the same incident? Did the son die here? Good stanza, I wonder if capitalising the last line would add to the impact and clarify the meaning as to who left what alone (the antidepressants or the first person?)

Car crash halfed my sight,
I cover it with a patch
I got from a dollar store. Is "halfed" used intentionally rather than halved? If so it matches "I got" in this stanza but seems unusual language compared with the rest of the preceding stanzas.

Military don't care about you, This matches the aforementioned unusual language, but is consistent with the overall tone of the poem.  
they say son go here
knowing damn well I can't.

Thirteen years half blinds
struggling to find the way,
this house I built without Father
did nothing but deteriorate Half blinds? Is the "s" a typo? Great stanza and linking to the intro.

sure it's a pretty home;
corner of remembrance,
crosses on the wall,
but the foundation's spent
years hiding what's wrong. This is one of my favourite stanzas, it could work as a short poem on its own! Great imagery and metaphor. I like the causation of years hiding on a spent foundation.

Today I leave my wife
my kids, my life,
to try to see
what's behind the blind eye. Really great and powerful ending line, however I'm unsure as to why the character is leaving his family and life and how its related to seeing "behind the blind eye"

[i]Original

I grew up poor,
played baseball without a glove,
I built my house
with Father with wood cut
from the oak next door.

Our backyard was a jungle
of essentials, apples to aloe
Mama could cook
long as the fruit hung low.

I grew up quick,
found work at a toy store,
fell in love even quicker,
six months and I quit.

Military bound after wedding vows,
I learned I'm a genius
that couldn't raise kids.

Car crash halfed my sight,
haunted by a lost son,
wife couldn't cope- antidepressants
leave her alone.

Military don't care about you,
I learned on a transfer
to a job I couldn't do.

Thirteen years half blind
struggling to find the way,
this house I built without Father
did nothing but deteriorate.

Today I left my wife
my kids, my life,
to try to see
what's behind the blind eye.[/i]

Please forgive me as this is my first critique on poetry so I have tried to share my interpretations in the hope that this gives you some insight into a readers perspective to show where some things may be misinterpreted and just some personal opinions if they're worth anything

I chose this poem as it really spoke to me as a compelling narrative of an ordinary (American) man's life. I love that I get to witness the subtly personal experiences that have shaped the character and how it opens and closes around the family house. I also loved all the nuances that chosen words and sentence structures gave. The finishing lines I find provocative and beautiful as I am left wondering what the character will find behind his eye and what it all means.

I look forward to reading more of your work.

[Todd]

Hi Weeded given the forum let me just give you a few general comments to think about. 

I think the first possible issue is that your title may not be doing enough work for you. While it does work with Fathers/Sons, the recruiter, the issues with being a father, a different title might allow you to play with the overall structure a bit more. It might give you more freedom.

Edit 1

As a kid--Just an observation this "As a kid" and the earlier "I grew up poor" are probably not needed. This would probably be stronger as just "I played baseball without a glove" Maybe add one other image for going without and poverty as a simple statement and move to the next strophe.
I played baseball without a glove,
I built my house--Again nothing wrong with this next set of statements but you may want to separate them from the baseball one just to make each area deal with a different aspect. You may want to consider making the poem a sequence of two line couplets. Just a thought.
with Father from wood 
cut from the oak.

I grew up quick,
fell in love quicker,--I think you can introduce the wife better than this. Some defining statement like you use in the first strophe--not simply an emotional feeling without a context.
found work at a toy store,
six months and I quit.

I do's, signed away life.
Recruiter said son you're great.
Saying son never felt right.

Vacation turned tragedy,
haunted by loss,
wife couldn't cope- antidepressants
left her alone.

Car crash halfed my sight,
I cover it with a patch
I got from a dollar store.

Military don't care about you,
they say son go here
knowing damn well I can't.

Thirteen years half blind
struggling to find the way,
this house I built without Father
did nothing but deteriorate

sure it's a pretty home;
corner of remembrance,
crosses on the wall,
but the foundation's spent
years hiding what's wrong.

Today I leave my wife
my kids, my life,
to try to see
what's behind the blind eye.

[i]Original

I grew up poor,
played baseball without a glove,
I built my house
with Father with wood cut
from the oak next door.

Our backyard was a jungle
of essentials, apples to aloe
Mama could cook
long as the fruit hung low.

I grew up quick,
found work at a toy store,
fell in love even quicker,
six months and I quit.

Military bound after wedding vows,
I learned I'm a genius
that couldn't raise kids.

Car crash halfed my sight,
haunted by a lost son,
wife couldn't cope- antidepressants
leave her alone.

Military don't care about you,
I learned on a transfer
to a job I couldn't do.

Thirteen years half blind
struggling to find the way,
this house I built without Father
did nothing but deteriorate.

Today I left my wife
my kids, my life,
to try to see
what's behind the blind eye.[/i]

I don't want to overdo it in the forum. A lot of my further comments would just repeat what I've already said. I do think you have something here. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[Weeded]

Nibbed,
Thank you very much for the feedback, I tried to incorporate a bit more of what you felt was missing, and youre right about the title being more of a tribute. Working on a change rn.

Teeky,
Thank you so much for the critique, an awesome first crit! I made a lot of changes which hopefully clears things up for you, and yes, the 's' on 'blind' was a typo, thanks for noticing!

Todd,
I really like the idea of sequencing couplets and decided to run with it. My concern now is whether the rhymes feel forced or natural on the reader. I agree with you on the title, it holds more of a personal meaning and I realize that now, working on a change. Thank you for your thoughts.

mike