Exodus Women (final)

[nibbed]

Exodus Women

Tired, aged, & frail,
done in lamentations
we find mercy at God's Throne;
as precious reserves of grace,
holy words, balm our souls:

I know that my redeemer liveth,
and that he shall stand
at the latter day upon the earth

The dead gods of Egypt retire
from cruel, blistering, campaigns;
as our hopeful hearts find strength
in victory's greater truth.


Inspiration:
KJV Scripture
Deut. 24:1
Ecc. 1:9
Matt. 19:8
Ephesians 5:25-33



third revision
Exodus Women


The tired, aged, & frail
done in lamentations
find mercy at God's Throne;

precious reserves of grace,
holy words, balm our souls:

I know that my redeemer liveth,
and that he shall stand
at the latter day upon the earth

Now dead gods of Egypt tire
their cruel, blistering, campaigns;

Our hopeful hearts strengthen
in victory's greater truths.





second revision
Exodus Women


Untangled chords bust muffled lamentations
as throngs of our tired, aged, & frail
find mercy at God's Throne;

We pitch our tents in a wilderness
committing even our last precious reserve of grace,
only holy words can balm our souls:

For I know that my redeemer liveth,
and that he shall stand
at the latter day upon the earth

Soon the dead gods of Egypt tire
their cruel, blistering, campaigns;

As Love's hopeful heart
strengthens yet another day
in greater truths of victory.




1st revision
Forever


Reeling over Exodus' aftermath
one needn't wonder
the frets of such women:

Trials of motherhood,
horror of swollen bellies,
the steadying of rust stained huts;

Hidden behind joyful masks
and muffled lamentations,
they endured shadowy toils
greater than Pharoah's whip;

Untangling busted chords,
drinking daily reliable Sword,
the battle raged
against evil campaigns of death;

Aged & frail,
pleading without ceasing,
begging mercy
found only at God's Throne;

Throngs of broken, tired,
ragged muliebris soldiers
drained and parched,
stammer in the wilderness

committing even our last
precious reserve of grace,
we find holy words our only balm:

For I know that my redeemer liveth,
and that he shall stand
at the latter day upon the earth

For without this hope,
we war forever sadly
a most cursed inheritance,
Men's ravishing demerit:
The mark of Love's invisibility,

As the dead gods of Egypt continue
their cruel, blistering, brands
into Love's hopeful heart.




Inspired by KJV Scripture
Deut. 24:1
Ecc. 1:9
Matt. 19:8
Ephesians 5:25-33
Job 19:25


original
Forever Unfavored

Flaming hēméra hēlíou
wrestled heathery billows
easily winning
the earliest curtain call;

Reeling in aftermaths,
Exodus of old,
while waltzing currents
& past circumstance,

Today needn't wonder
of fretting dread?

Trials of motherhood,
fear of swollen bellies,
dripping sweat
insuring heavy breathers
secure their rust stained huts;

Confined,
they found Holy Words
their only balm.

There's nothing new under the sun.

Partnered with the inevitable,
quieting the most hidden of lamentations,
facing toils greater than a master's whip,

drawing Swords daily
against those
perpetually
immoral
immortal
immutable
death angel campaigns,

our aged & frail
pleaded without ceasing,
begged mercy
found only at God's Throne;

Broken, tired,
ragged muliebris soldiers
drained and parched,
stammering
stumbling
sweltering
in wilderness
whimpering
whispering weariness

committing even our last
precious reserve of grace,

we find an end.

Warring the inheritance
of men's ravishing demerit
& that burning mark of invisibility
applied so discreetly

even more secretly
through Death & Hell's slack;

As the dead gods of Egypt continued
cruel, blistering, brands
into Love's Once Hopeful Heart.



Note background of inspiration:
KJV Scripture
Deut. 24:1
Ecc. 1:9
Matt. 19:8
Ephesians 5:25-33

[Weeded]

Yo what up nibbed,
I'll start by saying I like this piece, I feel like you could definitely do something with it. While there are some great ideas, there is also alot you might consider rewording, paring down, or removing entirely. Thoughts below,

Forever Unfavored


Flaming hēméra hēlíou I'm not a fan of this opening line (or any line thats in another language). You may know what this phrase translates to, good on you, but as an English-speaking reader all I see 'flaming words with squiggles.' Hard to follow the rest
wrestled heathery billows I get your want to go archaic due to the context but you seem to bounce between archaism and modernism, choosing one or the other when it suits you best. Choose one and stick to it (modernism, preferably). Also there's a tense issue (Flaming/wrestled/winning)
easily winning
the earliest curtain call; 'curtain call' is cliche; not too sure what's going on in this poem at this point as well. If only I knew what the heck was hemera heli-hoo.. 

Reeling in aftermaths, I like this. I picture an old-school projector literally reeling.
Exodus of old, Don't like this. I feel like this line could be something better but it's too ambiguous for me. Does the N mean old testament exodus (my main guess since the E is caps) or is it a play on the word exodus? If it's referring to scripture then Im left wondering ok well what about Exodus? That would also make 'of old' no longer necessary. If you're trying to connect it to the previous line maybe replace the comma after 'aftermaths' with like. If it is indeed a play on the word exodus (which I would like better) I'd remove the caps.
while waltzing currents
& past circumstance, what's the matter, too lazy to write 'and' out? Hehe

Today needn't wonder meh... Archaism kinda killin it but it'sall good.
of fretting dread? It sounds like you're dancing around what you're really trying to say in this stanza. Sometimes being straightfoward allows the layers to go deeper, rather than being sing-song with it.

Trials of motherhood,
fear of swollen bellies,
dripping sweat
insuring heavy breathers
secure their rust stained huts;

Confined,
they found Holy Words
their only balm. I'd pare down these two stanzas into one.



There's nothing new under the sun. Remove this line. It does nothing for the poem imo, and is cliche.

Partnered with the inevitable,
quieting the most hidden of lamentations,
facing toils greater than a master's whip, This is one of the better lines you have. Maybe remove 'a.'

drawing Swords daily
against those
perpetually
immoral
immortal
immutable I get what you're trying to do with the wordplay, but it's just that, wordplay and nothing more. I also don't understand why swords is caps. Personally I'd reword this entire stanza and either remove the 'imm-' words or find something else to do with them.
death angel campaigns,

our aged & frail
pleaded without ceasing,
begged mercy
found only at God's Throne; Probably my favorite stanza. Maybe pare it down; remove 'and frail,' and 'without ceasing' like

Our aged pleaded, begged
mercy found only at God's throne.


Broken, tired,
ragged muliebris soldiers I like 'muliebris.'
drained and parched,
stammering
stumbling
sweltering
in wilderness
whimpering
whispering weariness Again the wordplay leaves me a feeling a disconnect; it feels like the N is rambling, forcing the reader to dredge on. I'd remove this stanza entirely.

committing even our last
precious reserve of grace,

we find an end. The short stanza form is also a bit distracting. It makes me wonder what's important and what's not. I'd like to think it's all important but it doesn't seem that way.

Warring the inheritance
of men's ravishing demerit
& that burning mark of invisibility
applied so discreetly

even more secretly
through Death & Hell's slack;

As the dead gods of Egypt continued
cruel, blistering, brands
into Love's Once Hopeful Heart.

I noticed you like to capitalize words you deem important. I used to do the same. It's pseudo-poetry at its finest; you want the poem to say what's important, and in a real poem, every single word is important. Capitalizing a word that's not a proper noun just doesn't make sense if you think about it. That said I think you have a great idea here, but it's definitely gotta lot work to it if you want to make it into the piece it deserves to be. I'd also rethink the title, I'm pretty sure there's threads in here about titles in poetry, they're pretty important. Anyway, thanks for the read, hope you decide to work on this, I think it's got potential.

mike




Note background of inspiration:
KJV Scripture
Deut. 24:1
Ecc. 1:9
Matt. 19:8
Ephesians 5:25-33

[nibbed]

Hi, Mike.

Thank you ever so kindly for taking the time and helping me clean this up. I will definitely consider your critiques with my next revision. I was stuck on finding a word better than the plain old sun/sol as I wanted to convey revelation or dawning of thought, the bright rising sun, having to close the curtains, etc. Definitely will search for a better sun word than the Greek, but thought at the time it befitting concerning a piece related around Scripture...I agree poems that cause me to have to rush to google for definitions take the stroll off things.

The nothing new under the sun is from Ecc. and was intended as blatant sarcasm bringing the past together with the present, but I suppose with further study I may be able to find something that will work better that is familiar enough for readers to understand. The whole piece is descriptive of the suffering circumstance of women today connecting the women of post Exodus from Egypt, a sisterhood, so to speak. Mostly concerning the bondage of men's hearts held captive for so long in idolatry causing coldness and failure to pair bond in loyalty. A sort of curse that continues today, also resulting in distress and death for women of faith who long for things to be as they should.

Thank you ever so much. I especially am awkward and clumsy concerning breaking in stanzas and spacing. I agree it needs shortening. I will begin on my 2nd revision soon. Thank you & Best wishes. nibbed

---

REVISION 1

(untitled)               



Reeling over Exodus' aftermath
one needn't wonder
the frets of such women:

Trials of motherhood,
horror of swollen bellies,
the steadying of rust stained huts;

Hidden behind joyful masks
and muffled lamentations,
they endured shadowy toils
greater than Pharoah's whip;

Untangling busted chords,
drinking daily reliable Sword,
the battle raged
against evil campaigns of death;

Aged & frail,
pleading without ceasing,
begging mercy
found only at God's Throne;

Throngs of broken, tired,
ragged muliebris soldiers
drained and parched,
stammer in the wilderness

committing even our last
precious reserve of grace,
we find holy words our only balm:

For I know that my redeemer liveth,
and that he shall stand
at the latter day upon the earth

For without this hope,
we war forever sadly
a most cursed inheritance,
Men's ravishing demerit:
The mark of Love's invisibility,

As the dead gods of Egypt continue
their cruel, blistering, brands
into Love's hopeful heart.




Inspired by KJV Scripture
Deut. 24:1
Ecc. 1:9
Matt. 19:8
Ephesians 5:25-33
Job 19:25

[Achebe]

Forever Unfavored


Flaming hēméra hēlíou  ... Ra would make sense in the Egyptian context. Not sure why you're bringing in Greek gods here.
wrestled heathery billows
easily winning
the earliest curtain call; ... The sun rising is the opposite of a curtain call, and yet it is a curtain call. A play on words that doesn't translate into a pun (nor meaningful irony)

Reeling in aftermaths,
Exodus of old,
while waltzing currents
& past circumstance,... I can't follow this strophe or the one after it. The flaming sun is reeling in aftermaths today, and needn't wonder of fretting dead (the fretting?). Or was the idea to end the previous strophe on a full stop and make "Today" the subject of S2 and S3? I'm lost.

Today needn't wonder
of fretting dread?

Trials of motherhood,
fear of swollen bellies,
dripping sweat
insuring heavy breathers
secure their rust stained huts; ... I'm not sure how trials of motherhood secure anything

Confined,
they found Holy Words
their only balm.

There's nothing new under the sun.

Partnered with the inevitable,
quieting the most hidden of lamentations,
facing toils greater than a master's whip, ... too wordy up to this point, without the benefit of sonics, imagery...

drawing Swords daily
against those
perpetually
immoral
immortal
immutable ... 'immured, inimitable, impervious' - can go on and on. No sonic quality. Just words.
death angel campaigns,

our aged & frail
pleaded without ceasing,
begged mercy
found only at God's Throne;

Broken, tired,
ragged muliebris soldiers
drained and parched,
stammering
stumbling
sweltering
in wilderness
whimpering
whispering weariness ..... and wearing winter, from the withering of weeds. Again, pointless alliteration.

committing even our last
precious reserve of grace,

we find an end.

Warring the inheritance
of men's ravishing demerit
& that burning mark of invisibility
applied so discreetly

even more secretly
through Death & Hell's slack;

As the dead gods of Egypt continued
cruel, blistering, brands
into Love's Once Hopeful Heart.




Note background of inspiration:
KJV Scripture
Deut. 24:1
Ecc. 1:9
Matt. 19:8
Ephesians 5:25-33

Hi nibbed - I couldn't go on after 'weariness' - it was too wearying. I have provided some observations above.

[nibbed]

Forever Unfavored


Flaming hēméra hēlíou  ... Ra would make sense in the Egyptian context. Not sure why you're bringing in Greek gods here.
wrestled heathery billows
easily winning
the earliest curtain call; ... The sun rising is the opposite of a curtain call, and yet it is a curtain call. A play on words that doesn't translate into a pun (nor meaningful irony)

Reeling in aftermaths,
Exodus of old,
while waltzing currents
& past circumstance,... I can't follow this strophe or the one after it. The flaming sun is reeling in aftermaths today, and needn't wonder of fretting dead (the fretting?). Or was the idea to end the previous strophe on a full stop and make "Today" the subject of S2 and S3? I'm lost.

Today needn't wonder
of fretting dread?

Trials of motherhood,
fear of swollen bellies,
dripping sweat
insuring heavy breathers
secure their rust stained huts; ... I'm not sure how trials of motherhood secure anything

Confined,
they found Holy Words
their only balm.

There's nothing new under the sun.

Partnered with the inevitable,
quieting the most hidden of lamentations,
facing toils greater than a master's whip, ... too wordy up to this point, without the benefit of sonics, imagery...

drawing Swords daily
against those
perpetually
immoral
immortal
immutable ... 'immured, inimitable, impervious' - can go on and on. No sonic quality. Just words.
death angel campaigns,

our aged & frail
pleaded without ceasing,
begged mercy
found only at God's Throne;

Broken, tired,
ragged muliebris soldiers
drained and parched,
stammering
stumbling
sweltering
in wilderness
whimpering
whispering weariness ..... and wearing winter, from the withering of weeds. Again, pointless alliteration.

committing even our last
precious reserve of grace,

we find an end.

Warring the inheritance
of men's ravishing demerit
& that burning mark of invisibility
applied so discreetly

even more secretly
through Death & Hell's slack;

As the dead gods of Egypt continued
cruel, blistering, brands
into Love's Once Hopeful Heart.




Note background of inspiration:
KJV Scripture
Deut. 24:1
Ecc. 1:9
Matt. 19:8
Ephesians 5:25-33

Hi nibbed - I couldn't go on after 'weariness' - it was too wearying. I have provided some observations above.

Hi Achebe,

Thank you for kindly considering a once over on my poem. I think I must have made a mistake
in publishing my First Revision noticeably which eliminated a lot of the muck,
not done yet, though. I've sort of lost the tears/angry passion that drove me to write it.
Thank you for your critique!

[ellajam]

how to post an edit

From each page where you post a new workshop thread.