My past year. Also my first submission on the site :)

[Scribner1]

This was a year, I'll always look back and smile at. For something that grabbed my soul, but it wasn't supposed to happen. 

The coincidence of our tales, inspiration to the fullest extent. Lifeless bodies brought back to the world. But it wasn't supposed to happen.

The faults that led us, searching for perfection. Something that was sought, longed for, needed. Yet it wasn't supposed to happen

Days of unrest, minds working every corner of fantasy. Bringing reality to dreams and vice versa. Although it wasn't supposed to happen.

Hours, minutes, seconds, tick-tock, tick-tock. Heart beats racing time. And one moment, it stood still. But it wasn't supposed to happen.

Bonding, learning, reaching. Words filling every ounce of each other with a sane security. Eagerness pounding against every door. Knowing it wasn't supposed to happen.

Facing everything with adversary. Building new foundations. Growing and never losing focus on what was to be. Forgetting that it wasn't supposed to happen. 

Careless, happiness, forgotten looks. Pictures hold still memories of a time that once was. Nothing mattered, even if it wasn't supposed to happen.

Tragedy, distance, words become whispers. Silence, alone, brings thoughts of the devil. Constantly ignoring, patience for everything that wasn't supposed to happen.

Friendship lasting, times gone awry. Supporting at the worst. Nothing to love less. Worrisome for weeks over something that wasn't supposed to happen. 

Willful persistence, two hearts made of gold. Soothing with tears, made by pain and defeat. Encouragement for something that wasn't supposed to happen. 

Freely contemplating for no one should stay. Go as you please and hold your own. Missing you had never been easy. After all, this wasn't supposed to happen. 

New promises and learning. Found deep within. Faithful, loyal, devoted. Words never thought to be obtainable in such a fabricated world that we live. A book where this chapter wasn't supposed to happen. 

Time once again, standing still. Looking for answers, that could never be told. Searching for an image of what once was pure. Hateful over something that wasn't supposed to happen. 

Long ago, I seen a face. Pure. Fighting in the past, memories never fading. Traversing on the highway. Looking in the mirror at a time before what wasn't supposed to happen.

Crossroads and travel. The final page on this book.  New roads, new destinations. Convinced that truth had always been wrong when told this wasn't supposed to happen. 

Only days from now, I get no rest. The ways we pick up pieces is unlike any other except each other. Holding my hand out, eyes closed, deepest breaths. Praying for something that wasn't supposed to happen

 Tell me now,  only one can know the way. Where the sun sets tomorrow will this have gone to dark. I'm listening. Waiting. Was I wrong. Was this it, or just something that isn't going to happen. 

Never give up. Mind over matter. But matter is heart. The fools who believe, make the easiest to love. Sometimes were prone to fail. But love isn't failing, even if loving something that wasn't supposed to happen.

[Achebe]

hello, scribner. I think you're overdoing the refrain.

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also, you should look at cutting each line to half its length.

[Scribner1]

How I seen it, the point of the repetition, is to bring one back to the remembrance of the main focus.

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also, you should look at cutting each line to half its length.
[/quote]

The overall poem or maybe combine lines?

[billy]

hi scribner, see you got to post

others may not agree but i'll reinforce achebe and say the the refrains/repetitions don't work well enough to keep most of them aft the 2nd they sort of lose any power they may have had.
let's forget about the reps for now and look at each sentence;

here's a random one, it could have been one of a number:
Careless, happiness, forgotten looks. Pictures hold still memories of a time that once was. Nothing mattered,

how does it hold the reader, what is the essence of the line; an example. [not a re write just an example]
like sepia in picture frames, when nothing mattered

try for an image, use simile/ metaphor etc, paint the image with words and show the reader what you mean.

the poem is in there it just feel buried at the moment. oh, and welcome to the site.

[bestoweroflight]

Hi Scribner,

the theme of this poem is powerful and emotional, however i think the length may prevent the reader from getting to the end of your poem. Maybe you should think about removing the repeating phrase and reorganize your poem into stanzas, and then reintroduce the repetition at the end of each stanza instead of every second sentence. I feel within all your lines, theres a secret waiting to be uncovered, the clutter of its current form is preventing it from touching the readers heart in the powerful way I believe this poem has the potential to do so. I look forward to reading your update

Ya Hagh

Bestoweroflight

[Wonderfullife]

Hi Scribner,
I liked the poem and the repetition worked very well to keep the reader focused on the main theme. It gave a good sense of continuity.
I would agree, though, that it could be a lot shorter.
Overall, a long and engaging poem.

[nibbed]

Hi, Scribner

Sounds like you have had a hopeful and blessed past year! Sometimes it's hard to dive in with the first poem. We want to spill it all out, our hearts, and what we feel. I am new, too. I haven't posted my first poem yet... I want to work on critiquing, it is actually a form of instruction to myself and though I am not that good, it may help others, I hope... Reading polished poems is helping me with my awkwardness of pen, too. It helps me to clean up my own work and start on clearer revisions. I am using my notepad found in my pigpenpoetry user CP. It is awesome, because I can update each revision by pushing the update button. It was important for me to remember to copy the original, as not to lose it. How cool to compare the original with the last revision! The poem I was going to post as my first has now been changed and revised so many times, I can't remember how many times, now. But it's still not ready. I figure going over it again and again, changing what makes it too long, omitting words that aren't as important, changing and switching things around, getting down the proper punctuation, familiarizing myself with the format codes, etc., are all helpful before I post my first poem. I know even with my own polishing there will me more to do. I hope sharing my experience is helpful.

I agree that the repetition should be cut and the poem should be shortened and given stanzas. Your brightness & enthusiasm is felt through your pen, I hope to read more of your poetry soon.

Best Wishes,

Nibbed