Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
Today I'm collecting shells
and the wind is rushing by me
like it's going to miss
its own wedding.
Britney Spears is thirty five!
Holy hell.
We'd be sisters-in-law if I'd married Jared
and you'd married Seth like we'd planned.
I'll never forgive Seth—
he collects exes like baseball cards.
Remember how he whipped
that softball at you from second base
after you broke it off with him?
He broke your nose
and you dismissed it
like it was your fault
for taking your eye off the ball
(was that before or after his arrest?)
The ball came at you with such force—
no one thinks you just missed.
H e was the best player on the team,
and his aim never wavered.
You know what I miss?
Saved by the Bell and collecting
cards of New Kids on the Block.
I liked Jonathan,
you liked Jordan—
we said we'd be sisters.
I miss the family we never were—
the family we always were.
Posts: 580
Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015
(12-20-2016, 08:42 AM)lizziep Wrote: The wind rushes by
me like it's going to miss
its own wedding.
I'm dreading the next half
hour on the beach collecting shells. .....it's not clear to me why you're dreading it - is it because of the wind? You're not compelled to loiter on the beach. It sounds trivial, but it's one of those unnecessary bits of information that spoil the nice reminiscing in the poem
Brittany spears is thirty five! ....are we talking about the pop star? Isn't she 'Britney'? or is this an inside joke?
Holy hell.
We'd be sisters-in-law if I'd married Jared
and you married Seth like we planned. .....you'd, we'd, I thnk
I'll never forgive Seth—
he collects exes like baseball cards.
Remember how he whipped
that softball at you from second base
after you broke it off with him?
He broke your nose
and you dismissed .....a missing 'it'?
like it was your fault
for taking your eye off the ball
[was that before or after his arrest?]
The ball came at you with such force—
no one thinks you just missed—
he was the best player
on the team, and his aim never wavered. .....an interesting little anecdote.
You know what I miss?
Saved by the Bell and collecting
cards of New Kids on the Block.
I liked Jonathan, you liked Jordan— .....although I didn't grow up collecting their cards (in fact, I hated them), I get this. Very teen America, from what I know.
we said we'd be sisters.
That wind needn't hurry so... .....I get it that you're thinking about how fast time has passed and that leads to the next thought on how strong the wind is blowing, but it's a loose thought association that doesn't work for the reader
An enjoyable read. Thanks for posting.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
Thanks for reading, Achebe. I'll ponder and see what I can do to get things to gel a little better.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Shouldn't "spears" be capped?
This poem appears to not know what it wants to be. Is it a recollection/reminisce on pop culture, or grief about how things didn't turn out as you and your friend had planed it? I can see how these two things could reinforce each other, but I don't see that happening here. I think more thought needs to be given to the structure. Then maybe you can tie in the nice intro image of the
"wind is rushing by me
like it's going to miss
its own wedding."
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
Hi Dale, thanks for responding. 
Yes, it should have been capped -- I have no excuse.
It......is what it is, I guess. Ha. Do you think I should put it into a poetic form, like a ballad, is that what you were saying?
It's not about pop culture, for sure; it's about things that bind people together and how time passed can be measured by childhood enthusiasms. It's supposed to be a lament of sorts for the feeling of family that we had and for the things that got in the way. But, then, the bulk of it is direct address to her about the pains in her life, which is really more me telling her what I felt about them, so that's not something you can really share with someone else.....fark. I don't know.
Head in a hole.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Nah, I meant structure it in such a way so the disparate parts have a synergistic effect on each other. Currently the different parts act more as non-sequitur (which drains power from the poem), instead of acting synergistically (which energies the poem). Another way to state it is that structurally it seems ad hoc. I could be more specific but I don't want to start rewriting your poem.
What does the first stanza have to do with " things that bind people together and how time passed can be measured by childhood enthusiasms". Same with Brit-kneed Speared. Where is the connection? That may be significant to the writer, but the writer has to make it significant to the reader, that is not happening here.
Hope that clarifies,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
Hi, Dale. Hopefully enough time has passed that I can express myself a little more clearly.
What I had in mind was the form of a letter to a friend or a conversation with a girlfriend from childhood. Starting out with initial conversation about, 'what are you doing now,' then moving on to lighter versions of 'remember when' and then getting into more meatier elements of 'this is what things were really like, don't you think?' then coming out of that with some grief or wistfulness.
That's the "structure" that I had in mind.
So, you mentioned the 'power drain' idea on "Church of the Cul de Sac" as well, which makes me wonder if the problems in both pieces are one and the same???
But, yes, rewrite it to your heart's content! I give it to you freely.
Again, thanks for taking the time. Appreciate it.
Posts: 20
Threads: 3
Joined: Jan 2017
(12-20-2016, 08:42 AM)Lizzie Wrote: Revision
Today I'm collecting shells
and the wind is rushing by me
like it's going to miss
its own wedding. I like the imagery, here.
Britney Spears is thirty five!
Holy hell.
We'd be sisters-in-law if I'd married Jared
and you'd married Seth like we planned. Should "we" here be "we'd" again?
I'll never forgive Seth—
he collects exes like baseball cards.
Remember how he whipped
that softball at you from second base
after you broke it off with him?
He broke your nose
and you dismissed it
like it was your fault
for taking your eye off the ball
(was that before or after his arrest?) I really like the pacing between from final line of the preceding stanza to this line.
The ball came at you with such force—
no one thinks you just missed— This second dash feels like the incorrect punctuation choice given the following line. Maybe consider a period, or substitute ellipses for the dashes.
he was the best player
on the team, and his aim never wavered. That line break feel like it's in the wrong place. Maybe consider leaving "on the team" connected to the previous line.
You know what I miss?
Saved by the Bell and collecting
cards of New Kids on the Block.
I liked Jonathan, you liked Jordan— I think I'd like to see "you liked Jordan" on its own line. Might feel a bit more reminiscent and give the thoughts some space.
we said we'd be sisters.
I miss the family we never were—
the family we always were.
I think the form of it feeling like a letter to a friend. It certainly reads to me like somebody reminiscing to somebody they no longer have a relationship with. Nice work overall! My qualms are minimal.
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
Hello, and welcome to the Pen, most honorable and distinguished Sir Phallus the First. 
I actually think you are right about all the changes you mentioned.  I shall make them straightaway.
Thank you very much!
Posts: 19
Threads: 6
Joined: Jun 2013
So, I spent the whole time reading the second stanza thinking it was about Britney Spears crazy life details.
For me Britney is so crazy that mention of her conjures images of her tragic downfall and shaved head.
And I end up thinking about her.
Posts: 113
Threads: 11
Joined: Apr 2014
Somehow I missed this poem up until now. I like it quite a bit. My comments in blue are thoughts and suggestions.
Today I'm collecting shells
and the wind is rushing by me
like it's going to miss
its own wedding. [I like this staza, and the next stanza too]
Britney Spears is thirty five!
Holy hell.
We'd be sisters-in-law if I'd married Jared
and you'd married Seth like we'd planned.
I'll never forgive Seth—
he collects exes like baseball cards.
Remember how he whipped
that softball at you from second base
after you broke it off with him?
He broke your nose
[the third stanza doesn't flow quite as well as the rest of the poem, in my opinion]
and you dismissed it
like it was your fault [I'd prefer "as if it were" -- sounds more poetic]
for taking your eye off the ball
(was that before or after his arrest?) [is this needed?][/font]
The ball came at you with such force—
no one thinks you just missed. [add "it" at the end]
He was the best player on the team, [semicolon at end]
and his aim never wavered. [remove "and"]
You know what I miss?
Saved by the Bell and collecting
cards of New Kids on the Block.
I liked Jonathan,
you liked Jordan—
we said we'd be sisters.
I miss the family we never were—
the family we always were. [good ironic ending]
This is a good poem without a doubt! It's not a heavy or ambitious poem, but it is clear and says what it says well.
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
Thanks for the read and the input guys.
canofworms: yes, that's why she's there. I doubt very much that the poem would suffer if I eliminated those two lines, which I may very well do.
Caleb: I'll take another look at that third stanza and see what I can do about the flow. Thanks for giving it a look.
Posts: 19
Threads: 6
Joined: Jun 2013
(02-19-2017, 04:28 AM)Lizzie Wrote: Thanks for the read and the input guys.
canofworms: yes, that's why she's there. I doubt very much that the poem would suffer if I eliminated those two lines, which I may very well do.
Caleb: I'll take another look at that third stanza and see what I can do about the flow. Thanks for giving it a look.
That may just be me.
|
