caroline

[canofworms]

Silk screen of sweat on your shoulder
paralyzes me from across the room.
How I long to press my cheek there.
How I long to lay my head next to you.

[Lizzie]

Silk screen of sweat on your shoulder -- lovely
paralyzes me from across the room. -- maybe "nets" instead of "paralyzes" to go with the fabric theme?
How I long to press my cheek there.
How I long to lay my head next to you. -- I'd omit this line. The previous is a stronger ending because it keeps the focus on that bit of shoulder we've imagined.

Unlike so many love poems, this one doesn't run on and on.

[Achebe]

Silk screen of sweat on your shoulder
paralyzes me from across the room.
How I long to press my cheek there.
How I long to lay my head next to you.

I can't picture sweat as a screen. And silk screen leaves me cold. The silk is presumably because of the sheen. The metaphor of sweat as silk or as a screen then is dispensed with in the next two lines, so why bother having it in the first place.
Perhaps it'd be better attempted with a simile such as "sweat sits like silk on your shoulder" etc
The last two lines are a bit mundane. Not punchy enough for a short poem

[ellajam]

I took the first line to mean silkscreen, the printing method, and that worked for me, if that's what you meant it's one word. For me the last line added nothing, I agree the poem would be stonger without it.

[canofworms]

Silk screen of sweat on your shoulder
paralyzes me from across the room.
How I long to press my cheek there.
How I long to lay my head next to you.

I can't picture sweat as a screen. And silk screen leaves me cold. The silk is presumably because of the sheen. The metaphor of sweat as silk or as a screen then is dispensed with in the next two lines, so why bother having it in the first place.
Perhaps it'd be better attempted with a simile such as "sweat sits like silk on your shoulder" etc
The last two lines are a bit mundane. Not punchy enough for a short poem

refer to undefined

[b]ellajam response[/b]

---

Yes I mean a silkscreen. As if it were purposely and perfectly spread through a fine screen onto a surface.

And it is a mundane thing.

I see the fine shoulder of beautiful woman with a thin layer of perspiration and I am lost in a daydream in which I press my face right there. Smelling her, hearing her breath, feeling her warmth seeing the muscles of her neck and the round shape of the top of her cleavage.

Silkscreen of sweat on your shoulder
paralyzes me from across the room.
How I long to press my cheek

or

Silkscreen of sweat on your shoulder
paralyzes me from across the room.
How I long to rest my head upon that morning dew.

[Achebe]

Silk screen of sweat on your shoulder
paralyzes me from across the room.
How I long to press my cheek there.
How I long to lay my head next to you.

I can't picture sweat as a screen. And silk screen leaves me cold. The silk is presumably because of the sheen. The metaphor of sweat as silk or as a screen then is dispensed with in the next two lines, so why bother having it in the first place.
Perhaps it'd be better attempted with a simile such as "sweat sits like silk on your shoulder" etc
The last two lines are a bit mundane. Not punchy enough for a short poem

refer to undefined

[b]ellajam response[/b]

---

Yes I mean a silkscreen.  As if it were purposely and perfectly spread through a fine screen onto a surface.

And it is a mundane thing.  

I see the fine shoulder of beautiful woman with a thin layer of perspiration and I am lost in a daydream in which I press my face right there.  Smelling her, hearing her breath, feeling her warmth seeing the muscles of her neck and the round shape of the top of her cleavage.  

Silkscreen of sweat on your shoulder
paralyzes me from across the room.
How I long to press my cheek

or

Silkscreen of sweat on your shoulder
paralyzes me from across the room.
How I long to rest my head upon that morning dew.

If it's a silkscreen, then it can't paralyse you, to be consistent with the metaphor. It can imprint something on your mind or something on those lines.
Morning dew introduces a new metaphor and is better avoided.

[canofworms]

A silky sheen of sweat on your shoulder
paralyzes me from across the room
with thoughts of laying my head there

[amaril]

This could be more concise and still contain the same information.

The sweat on your shoulder glistens.
I'll pretend to sleep a little longer.

Etc.

[canofworms]

I can't picture sweat as a screen. And silk screen leaves me cold. The silk is presumably because of the sheen. The metaphor of sweat as silk or as a screen then is dispensed with in the next two lines, so why bother having it in the first place.
Perhaps it'd be better attempted with a simile such as "sweat sits like silk on your shoulder" etc
The last two lines are a bit mundane. Not punchy enough for a short poem

refer to undefined

[b]ellajam response[/b]

---

Yes I mean a silkscreen.  As if it were purposely and perfectly spread through a fine screen onto a surface.

And it is a mundane thing.  

I see the fine shoulder of beautiful woman with a thin layer of perspiration and I am lost in a daydream in which I press my face right there.  Smelling her, hearing her breath, feeling her warmth seeing the muscles of her neck and the round shape of the top of her cleavage.  

Silkscreen of sweat on your shoulder
paralyzes me from across the room.
How I long to press my cheek

or

Silkscreen of sweat on your shoulder
paralyzes me from across the room.
How I long to rest my head upon that morning dew.

If it's a silkscreen, then it can't paralyse you, to be consistent with the metaphor. It can imprint something on your mind or something on those lines.
Morning dew introduces a new metaphor and is better avoided.

 
A silkscreen can refer to the actually box with the silk in it or the imprint left by screening the ink through it.

[ellajam]

IMO your edits are too heavyhanded, I like this:

Silkscreen of sweat on your shoulder
paralyzes me from across the room.
How I long to press my cheek there.

Maybe you could lose "how", but your poem, your choice.

[Achebe]

I agree with ella. Even though I'm not a big fan of 'paralyses' because of the metaphor, the original was still better than the later edits and dropping the last line alone should be enough

[ellajam]

I agree with ella. Even though I'm not a big fan of 'paralyses' because of the metaphor, the original was still better than the later edits and dropping the last line alone should be enough

ha, "rakes" or "compresses" would suit the metaphor, the latter more like the current tone but I like rakes.

But, wormy, don't let us ruin your poem.

Nope, compress with press would be too much, rakes it is, brings up raked over the coals.

[canofworms]

OK. I got it. I'm just running with this for giggles.

Silkscreen of sweat on your shoulder
Rakes the image of my face against your skin
Two tone in my mind's eye.