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Revision 1
Hang On
In the yard a rope hangs
from the gnarled limb
where you used to swing,
a giddy joy knotting
your clenched fists tighter
as you flew. And now
you turn away from the window, shuffle
with a gait like you’re hampered
by the weight of a toddler clamped
to your leg, and you can only drag
your stubborn limbs across the floor to climb
into your bed. Giddy,
you lie awake. A joyless dream
swings from one use
of that old rope,
to the other.
Version 1
Hang On
In the yard a rope hangs
from a large tree. You
used to swing. A giddy feeling
rode your shoulder whispering
“higher, higher”.
Now you shuffle
with a gait where the weight
of a troll being dragged
across the floor kicks
at your calves and pummels
every inch of your limbs.
It gnaws at your knees
and screeches all night.
So you lie awake.
A giddy dream swings
from one use of that rope,
to another.
just mercedes
Unregistered
Hi ponykeeper! Your poem uses good imagery to move its message along. I like the way the final stanza forces me to reinterpret the title.
Maybe making the tree a particular species, rather than the generic 'large tree', would sharpen the image.
Nice use of sonics, too. I wonder though, how the weight of a troll can do all those things: kick, pummel, gnaw, and screech. It feels as though you are personifying the weight of the troll, which is already a personification of pain.
Anyway, well done. Keep playing with it!
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Thanks Just Mercedes for your insights. I will certainly consider your suggestions in any revisions.
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We all use the word "troll" to mean a person who is trying to stir up trouble on the internet, but actual trolls are Skandinavian mythical figures -- either giants or dwarfs. How does a giant or dwarf relate to the theme of this poem? If the troll is representing the infirmaties of old age, I think you should consider another symbol.
Actually, I see that the dictionary says that a troll can be a derelict, but I have the same problem with a derelict as a symbol for old age infirmaties -- although a derelict makes more sense to me. Perhaps you should just use the word "derelict". If you use the word "vagabond", that would make more sense. The infirmaties of old age (of which I have about 13 myself) can be seen as illegitimate, just as vagabonds are.
Once you fix that (if you choose to), I think you'll have a good poem.
I hope I'm interpreting your symbolism correctly. He/she swung on the rope in play in childhood, and now he uses it to hang on. I wonder -- might you also be suggesting at the end that the man hang himself?
Wow, I didn't realize ropes can represent so many things: play, hanging on to life, death -- there must be many more.
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I'm not quite grasping your cadence.
The line breaks make me expect a rhyme scheme of some sort, even moreso by the two rhymed lines 3 and 4 in the first stanza.
but there is none and that's just fine. So, When you end line 2 with " . You" I end up rereading this line a couple of times trying to grasp whats going on.
In the yard a rope hangs
from a large tree. You
used to swing. A giddy feeling
rode your shoulder whispering
“higher, higher”.
The troll thing doesn't for me. It just drags down the poem in my opinion. But if you must use the troll then consider this. What kind of Troll? Under the bridge troll? Stone trolls are HUGE like the size of an elephant. Trolkins are tiny and have punky hair. There's so many different types of trolls that I have no idea how heavy this troll is.
Now you shuffle
with a gait where the weight I don't get the use of the word 'where' in this sentence. It seems that the word 'like' or possibly 'as is'
of a troll being dragged
across the floor kicks I think you need some kind of punctuation in here like a comma or something in between floor and kicks.
at your calves and pummels
every inch of your limbs.
It gnaws at your knees
and screeches all night.
So you lie awake. I love one lonely line.
A giddy dream swings
from one use of that rope, I'm having a hard time picturing the image you are conjuring here. I think it's the comma.
to another.
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(02-15-2017, 09:38 AM)ponykeeper Wrote: Hang On
In the yard a rope hangs
from a large tree. You Maybe a different personal
used to swing. A giddy feeling pronoun, and/or name
rode your shoulder whispering specific?
“higher, higher”.
Now you shuffle
with a gait where the weight
of a troll *being *dragged *omit?
*across *the *floor kicks
at your calves and pummels
every inch of your limbs.
It gnaws at your knees
and screeches all night.
So you lie awake.
Surprising twist, it reminded
A giddy dream swings me of the troll of arthritis!
from one use of that rope, Thank you for the privilege
to another. of critiquing your work.
there's always a better reason to love
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(02-18-2017, 01:11 PM)Caleb Murdock Wrote: We all use the word "troll" to mean a person who is trying to stir up trouble on the internet, but actual trolls are Skandinavian mythical figures -- either giants or dwarfs. How does a giant or dwarf relate to the theme of this poem? If the troll is representing the infirmaties of old age, I think you should consider another symbol.
Actually, I see that the dictionary says that a troll can be a derelict, but I have the same problem with a derelict as a symbol for old age infirmaties -- although a derelict makes more sense to me. Perhaps you should just use the word "derelict". If you use the word "vagabond", that would make more sense. The infirmaties of old age (of which I have about 13 myself) can be seen as illegitimate, just as vagabonds are.
Once you fix that (if you choose to), I think you'll have a good poem.
I hope I'm interpreting your symbolism correctly. He/she swung on the rope in play in childhood, and now he uses it to hang on. I wonder -- might you also be suggesting at the end that the man hang himself?
Wow, I didn't realize ropes can represent so many things: play, hanging on to life, death -- there must be many more.
Thanks Caleb, for looking at this. I can see from your suggestions and ideas where I have failed to make myself clear and will keep your comments in mind when revising.
(02-18-2017, 01:22 PM)canofworms Wrote: I'm not quite grasping your cadence.
The line breaks make me expect a rhyme scheme of some sort, even moreso by the two rhymed lines 3 and 4 in the first stanza.
but there is none and that's just fine. So, When you end line 2 with " . You" I end up rereading this line a couple of times trying to grasp whats going on.
In the yard a rope hangs
from a large tree. You
used to swing. A giddy feeling
rode your shoulder whispering
“higher, higher”.
The troll thing doesn't for me. It just drags down the poem in my opinion. But if you must use the troll then consider this. What kind of Troll? Under the bridge troll? Stone trolls are HUGE like the size of an elephant. Trolkins are tiny and have punky hair. There's so many different types of trolls that I have no idea how heavy this troll is.
Now you shuffle
with a gait where the weight I don't get the use of the word 'where' in this sentence. It seems that the word 'like' or possibly 'as is'
of a troll being dragged
across the floor kicks I think you need some kind of punctuation in here like a comma or something in between floor and kicks.
at your calves and pummels
every inch of your limbs.
It gnaws at your knees
and screeches all night.
So you lie awake. I love one lonely line.
A giddy dream swings
from one use of that rope, I'm having a hard time picturing the image you are conjuring here. I think it's the comma.
to another.
Hi canofworms, thank you for your time in looking at this. The unpopularity of my troll image leads me to believe that I should revise and use the image I used when I initially wrote the poem. I second guessed myself and changed it to troll. I'll keep your comments in mind when I revise.
(02-18-2017, 02:53 PM)nibbed Wrote: (02-15-2017, 09:38 AM)ponykeeper Wrote: Hang On
In the yard a rope hangs
from a large tree. You Maybe a different personal
used to swing. A giddy feeling pronoun, and/or name
rode your shoulder whispering specific?
“higher, higher”.
Now you shuffle
with a gait where the weight
of a troll *being *dragged *omit?
*across *the *floor kicks
at your calves and pummels
every inch of your limbs.
It gnaws at your knees
and screeches all night.
So you lie awake.
Surprising twist, it reminded
A giddy dream swings me of the troll of arthritis!
from one use of that rope, Thank you for the privilege
to another. of critiquing your work.
Thank you Nibbed, for your time and effort in looking at this. You make good points which I will think about in my rewrite.
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I really enjoyed the poem! It's a unique perspective on aging, which is in and of itself a more common theme in poetry, so that individuality is all the more important. As a result, I think you could play up some elements of the imagery to emphasize that uniqueness. Additionally, I think the meter could be evened out to make it sound better, although that would not necessarily be a priority at this point for me.
(02-15-2017, 09:38 AM)ponykeeper Wrote:
Hang On
In the yard a rope hangs
from a large tree. You maybe remove the period? It seems to interrupt the flow of thought, unless that's what you were going for here - hesitant like the movements of old age? Also, maybe choose a more pertinent adjective for the tree. "Ancient" suggests the large size and also adds to the age-related meaning of the poem.
used to swing. A giddy feeling
rode your shoulder whispering I don't quite understand the imagery of a feeling riding your shoulder, although this could be my own fault. If you were trying to parallel the subject riding the swing and the feeling riding the subject, this could be made more clear through diction.
“higher, higher”.
Now you shuffle
with a gait where the weight beautiful and unexpected internal rhyme!
of a troll being dragged
across the floor kicks
at your calves and pummels
every inch of your limbs.
It gnaws at your knees
and screeches all night. Personally, I liked the troll imagery, although I agree that you should describe the troll more precisely so the reader has a better understanding of exactly what the subject is dealing with here.
So you lie awake.
A giddy dream swings
from one use of that rope,
to another.
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Hi Flos Campi and thank you for looking at my poem and offering suggestions. I've taken them into consideration and have revised.
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(02-15-2017, 09:38 AM)ponykeeper Wrote: Revision 1
Hang On
In the yard a rope hangs
from the gnarled limb
where you used to swing, Already getting the macabre suggestion coming in here
a giddy joy knotting
your clenched fists tighter
as you flew. And now 'And'...? perhaps 'but'? Not sure.
you turn away from the window, shuffle scrap 'away' maybe.
with a gait like you’re hampered
by the weight of a toddler clamped I think there are too many words here; you can remove 'weight'; we understand the implication.
to your leg, and you can only drag If the toddler symbolises the things dragging the character down, maybe describe it more; as you did in version 1
your stubborn limbs across the floor to climb
into your bed. Giddy, Not sure how 'giddy ' fits
you lie awake. A joyless dream
swings from one use
of that old rope,
to the other. I'm not sure if this ending is a bit too explicit, but I like the idea that the 'dream swings..', it's a nice segue.
Interesting bleak little poem, I you can work on the meter by scrapping the words you don't really need and adding the ones that will make it shine.
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