The Humbler (Happy Ballet Times Daze)

[Erthona]

The Humbler (Happy Ballet Times Daze)

“What fools these Human’s be”
when in love, yes I see,
but, the larger truth,
what greater fools when not,
spirits twisted and souls rot!
How pompous, vain,
and condescending,
only through Love’s sufferance,
might this wound be mending,
yet hide, when see healing descending, 
until by Valentine’s pox laid low,
with a shot from Eros’ bow!
Oh, oh, OH!
It is madness, is it not?
It’s been so long that I’d forgot,
I hope it fades away…
Yet, only does the grave,
fools,
from the foolish save!
Still...not all is sadness and sorrow,
for I shall be a grave fool on the morrow,
if I might a line from Mercutio borrow,
till then, anon,
for I am gone and done,
my bugled sword in baldric hung!

erthona
 
 
©2011

[Lizzie]

I enjoyed this a great deal.

The Humbler (Happy Ballet Times Daze)

“What fools these Human’s be”
when in love, yes I see,
but, the larger truth,
what greater fools when not, -- reminds me a bit of "The Triple Fool" by John Donne.
spirits twisted and souls rot! -- maybe twist instead of twisted?
How pompous, vain,
and condescending,
only through Love’s sufferance,
might this wound be mending, -- maybe a stronger word than 'be'
yet hide, when see healing descending, -- not a fan of 'when see'.... I think it's the lack of a you or we after when. I like how you display the foolishness of running from love.
until by Valentine’s pox laid low,
with a shot from Eros’ bow!
Oh, oh, OH!
It is madness, is it not?
It’s been so long that I’d forgot,
I hope it fades away…
Yet, only does the grave,
fools,
from the foolish save! -- I'd join this with the previous 'fools' -- I think it reads better that way
Still...not all is sadness and sorrow,
for I shall be a grave fool on the morrow, -- I like the re-use of grave but in a different sense
if I might a line from Mercutio borrow,
till then, anon,
for I am gone and done,
my bugled sword in baldric hung!

erthona
 
 
©2011

Not just beautiful, but meaningful as well.

Cheers,

Lizzie

[ellajam]

Hey, Dale, I enjoyed this when it was in Fun and again this time around. I don't know if I can be of any help but I'll give it a go.

The Humbler (Happy Ballet Times Daze)

“What fools these Human’s be”
when in love, yes I see,
but, the larger truth,
what greater fools when not,
spirits twisted and souls rot! Love lines 3-5, large is an odd choice for truth, and you use greater, maybe something else, but I'm nitpicking, larger hasn't bothered me before.
How pompous, vain,
and condescending, So many commas in Lines 6-10 is confusing, maybe semicolon here?
only through Love’s sufferance, No comma here or am I misreading?
might this wound be mending,
yet hide, when see healing descending,  no comma after hide?
until by Valentine’s pox laid low, again, no comma?
with a shot from Eros’ bow!
Oh, oh, OH! Love the ohs.
It is madness, is it not?
It’s been so long that I’d forgot, I had forgotten, I forgot, I think.
I hope it fades away…
Yet, only does the grave,
fools,
from the foolish save! Love these 3 lines.
Still...not all is sadness and sorrow,
for I shall be a grave fool on the morrow,
if I might a line from Mercutio borrow,
till then, anon,
for I am gone and done,
my bugled sword in baldric hung! Grinning last line.

erthona
 
 
©2011

Well, I hope a bit of that might be of use.

[Erthona]

Thanks El, those suggestions will definitely help to clean it up and make it tighter. Gonna finish it and put it in the book...so to speak

xoxoxoxoxo

dale

---

Thanks Lizzie,

Lots a typos that just got by me. I'll take most of this on.

Thanks again.

dale

[baifan]

Hey, nice piece! I definitely admire your sense of rhythm. Hope it's not too late to give some thoughts and suggestions!

The Humbler (Happy Ballet Times Daze)

“What fools these Human’s be” -I see the reference to Shakespeare, but not sure what the point in changing mortals to humans is. The rest of your poem alludes to Shakespeare quite directly, and I think it would be just as effective if you made the reference directly. If you decide to keep it as humans, then I would reconsider that lingering apostrophe
when in love, yes I see,
but, the larger truth, -for me, the 'but' here obfuscates the direction of the first sentence (first 5 lines). I'm not entirely sure which clause it belongs too
what greater fools when not,
spirits twisted and souls rot!
How pompous, vain,
and condescending,
only through Love’s sufferance,
might this wound be mending,
yet hide, when see healing descending, -'when see' feels a little clunky
until by Valentine’s pox laid low,
with a shot from Eros’ bow!
Oh, oh, OH! -this is cool; if your goal is to create a proper crescendo effect, it might be worth forsaking the capitalization on the first 'Oh' (i.e. oh, oh, OH!). Your preference though!
It is madness, is it not?
It’s been so long that I’d forgot,
I hope it fades away…
Yet, only does the grave,
fools,
from the foolish save!
Still...not all is sadness and sorrow,
for I shall be a grave fool on the morrow,
if I might a line from Mercutio borrow,
till then, anon,
for I am gone and done,
my bugled sword in baldric hung!-like the rhythm here, last 6 lines are great

erthona
 
 
©2011

[Erthona]

baifan,

Thanks for the critique.

Yes it is not a direct quote, however it is a paraphrase and generally that requires that the section be placed in quotes.

Yes, I think you are correct on the "but" at least in the sense that it needs to be removed. I simply doesn't do anything for the sentence, so I will correct that.

"see" could use a "they" be fore it. I'll change that that.

Sorry it have taken me so long to respond, I have been ill, plus it was not bolded on my user CP page.

Thanks again,

dale