Lenses

[mv5543]

Hi, 

         It's been a very long time since I have posted a poem, and would like to hear some honest feedback. I know the structure of my poem is not right (e.g. Stanzas, capitalization, proper sentences, etc.) 
 
Lenses [Edit 1]

In all of time, both past and now, a billion beings have roamed.
But whether it is night or day, I have always walked alone.

I was made from a darker clay,
And spy through a lens that is dim and grey. 
It matters not if it is dark or light; my heart is left forlorn.

There are those with a lens so bright,
And despite of it being dark or light,
no earthly plight can bring the shade of night;
They will never walk alone.

There are those with a lens so sheer,
And they see through eyes so wise and clear;
They always know when it is right to sometimes walk alone.

Lenses [Original]

In all of time both past and now a billion beings have roamed,
And whether it is night or day I have always walked alone.

For I was made from a darker clay,
And spy through a lens so dim and gray,
And it matters not if it is dark or light my heart is left forlorn.

For there are those with a lens so bright,
And despite of it being dark or light,
And no earthly plight brings the shade of night,
They will never walk alone.

Then there are those with a lens so sheer,
And see through eyes so wise and clear,
They always know when it is right to sometimes walk alone.

[MindEraser]

Hi!

I'm very new to this so I apologise if my critisism not alltogether useful.

When I first read your poem it felt strange, rhyming words at the end of the sentences, but then the last word being so different and not rhyming at all.
But after reading it a couple of times it grew on me and it fits the poem well!
The only thing that necks it for me is the first paragraph; to me the combination of 'roamed' and 'alone' feels a bit off, but it could also be because the first sentence can be divided in three sections but the second in two.

Hope this helps!
This poem really speaks to me.

[mv5543]

Hi!

I'm very new to this so I apologise if my critisism not alltogether useful.

When I first read your poem it felt strange, rhyming words at the end of the sentences, but then the last word being so different and not rhyming at all.
But after reading it a couple of times it grew on me and it fits the poem well!
The only thing that necks it for me is the first paragraph; to me the combination of 'roamed' and 'alone' feels a bit off, but it could also be because the first sentence can be divided in three sections but the second in two.

Hope this helps!
This poem really speaks to me.

Thank you for your feedback! It's both constructive and useful. Looking back, I think I was forcing my poem to rhyme, which took part of the message away. I'm glad that you spotted that too. I'll either work on improving the rhyming scheme, or drop the rhymes altogether. The first two lines aren't tied together well enough. I'm going to try to give them more of a flow. Since you said that my poem speaks to you, it would be great if you could tell me how you interpreted it. Well, only if you have time

[Merrikay]

The edit is definitely an improvement to me, I like how you cut and cleaned it up. I think it could do with a bit more cutting of unnecessary words that detract from your imagery. The last line in particular is throwing me, it just feels too wordy.

[Mark Cecil]

Hey I really like the message and tone of this poem.  I've just read the first edit and I can really relate to what your saying in the poem I like how you suggest you need a balance between positive and negative thinking and that it is sometimes important to be alone. I think the last line you could cut to: "They know when it's right to sometimes walk alone."  But its only a suggestion

[Coquette16]

(After reading Edit 1)

I was very drawn in to this poem. You make strong statements with very practical images...this is a delicate balance that you have achieved through this poem. 

Knowing that you are in the process of working on the structure, the development of the poem is great, but it seems to lack closure. Another stanza at the end would bring a resolve just as strong and practical as the rest of the poem.

Nice job and I'm glad you posted again!
-Coquette

Hi, 

         It's been a very long time since I have posted a poem, and would like to hear some honest feedback. I know the structure of my poem is not right (e.g. Stanzas, capitalization, proper sentences, etc.) 
 
Lenses [Edit 1]

In all of time, both past and now, a billion beings have roamed.
But whether it is night or day, I have always walked alone.

I was made from a darker clay,
And spy through a lens that is dim and grey. 
It matters not if it is dark or light; my heart is left forlorn.

There are those with a lens so bright,
And despite of it being dark or light,
no earthly plight can bring the shade of night;
They will never walk alone.

There are those with a lens so sheer,
And they see through eyes so wise and clear;
They always know when it is right to sometimes walk alone.

Lenses [Original]

In all of time both past and now a billion beings have roamed,
And whether it is night or day I have always walked alone.

For I was made from a darker clay,
And spy through a lens so dim and gray,
And it matters not if it is dark or light my heart is left forlorn.

For there are those with a lens so bright,
And despite of it being dark or light,
And no earthly plight brings the shade of night,
They will never walk alone.

Then there are those with a lens so sheer,
And see through eyes so wise and clear,
They always know when it is right to sometimes walk alone.

[voodoochild]

Hi, 

         It's been a very long time since I have posted a poem, and would like to hear some honest feedback. I know the structure of my poem is not right (e.g. Stanzas, capitalization, proper sentences, etc.) 
 
Lenses [Edit 1]

In all of time, both past and now, a billion beings have roamed. - more specificity 
But whether it is night or day, I have always walked alone.

I was made from a darker clay,
And spy through a lens that is dim and grey.  - nice rhyme 
It matters not if it is dark or light; my heart is left forlorn. - use a different word than 'forlorn' 

There are those with a lens so bright,
And despite of it being dark or light,
no earthly plight can bring the shade of night;
They will never walk alone.

There are those with a lens so sheer,
And they see through eyes so wise and clear; - I like this
They always know when it is right to sometimes walk alone. - take out sometimes?

Lenses [Original]

In all of time both past and now a billion beings have roamed,
And whether it is night or day I have always walked alone.

For I was made from a darker clay,
And spy through a lens so dim and gray,
And it matters not if it is dark or light my heart is left forlorn.

For there are those with a lens so bright,
And despite of it being dark or light,
And no earthly plight brings the shade of night,
They will never walk alone.

Then there are those with a lens so sheer,
And see through eyes so wise and clear,
They always know when it is right to sometimes walk alone.

[j56]

I really like the continuity between your first and last verse

[AsianPotato]

Hi, I’m fairly new to poetry, so if my suggestions aren’t that helpful, I’m sorry

 
I really like the second stanza, but instead of spy I would put squint in, it makes more sense to me if the person in this poem is squinting, because of how bright the others are in comparison to him/her looking through a dim lens.
 
I would replace forlorn with “lonely, never to take flight” mainly because it feels kinda weird to have forlorn in there, and “lonely, never to take flight” does fit into both the idea behind the poem and the rhyming scheme.
I’ve added in a comma behind They in both stanza  3 and 4 just to add in a bit of spite that “I” might have felt and emphasizing that kind of feeling.
 
I’ve also taken out sometimes, it felt irrelevant and a bit too wordy.
 
Lenses
In all of time, both past and now, a billion beings have roamed.
But whether it is night or day, I have always walked alone.

I was made from a darker clay,
And squint through a lens that is dim and grey. 
It matters not if it is dark or light; my heart is left lonely, never to take flight.

There are those with a lens so bright,
And despite of it being dark or light,
no earthly plight can bring the shade of night;
They, will never walk alone.

There are those with a lens so sheer,
And they see through eyes so wise and clear;
They, always know when it is right to walk alone.