Eyes

[JaredEggo]

Here's another one I'm working on.

I'm in my bed wide awake,
     fighting demons my body wants but my heart hates.

If I open my eyes 
     they're at my fingertips, ready to destroy me.

If I close my eyes
     they play a movie of all the things I've done.

I don't want to close my eyes
     because I'm afraid of what I'll see.

I don't want to open my eyes,
     but that pain is easier to bear.

So no matter what I do,
     I can't close my eyes.

[canofworms]

This is just my suggestion.
Breaking the lines up seems to distract from it.
Also, you seem to be lacking adjectives altogether. Describe those demons and movies and fears.

I'm in my bed, wide awake, fighting demons my body wants but my heart hates.
If I open my eyes they're at my fingertips, ready to destroy me.
If I close my eyes they play a movie of all the things I've done.
I don't want to close my eyes because I'm afraid of what I'll see.
I don't want to open my eyes, but that pain is easier to bear.
So no matter what I do I can't close my eyes.

[Lizzie]

Hello Jared.

Seems like half the poem is just stating and restating the words 'open/close my eyes.' You could eliminate most of these by just grouping things together more effectively in categories.

Also, there's little in the way of metaphor or simile. You're just stating facts, which isn't that interesting. More imagery is needed, I should think.

I agree with can of worms that you need to describe the demons. A good rule of thumb is: show the action, don't tell about it.

Hope this helps,

Lizzie

[worros]

Why is he scared of his demons?
It's a little repetitive about the open and closed eyes. Try grabbing a thesaurus and mixing it up a little.
Try shortening some lines to keep your meter flowing smoother.

They play a movie of all the things I've done. --> I am tortured with my past.

You have a good idea here, just revise. Good work.

[operadiva]

I like the concept, its very easy to relate to. I agree with previous comments about more detail. Even though the reader might not be experiencing the same demons, the fact that the speaker opens up shows a level of vulnerability and honesty that allows the reader to substitute their demons and share the experience. Just a thought. I like the struggle of temptation and regret that seems to be going on. 

Thank you for sharing
Operadiva

[Powder]

I think it's an interesting exercise in parallelism but as a poem it's very bare-boned. Really the only words used to add flavour are demon and heart, which are both a bit cliche. Try to make it personal, bring it alive. You are telling me something rather than showing me and allowing me to draw my own conclusions which is in my opinion where poetry shines.

I think that you've found an interesting topic to write about and using parallelism to enhance the sense of being trapped is an interesting idea to play with but this is a bit on the nose.

[Brownlie]

This critique will be utter crap.  I might as well be a carbuncle-ridden troll at the bottom of a pond.  Anyways, here goes.


[quote='JaredEggo' pid='224101' dateline='1486495242']
Here's another one I'm working on.

I'm in my bed wide awake, -  Jargon and bullshit over-analysis aside,  wide awake is a cliche/ redudnant somehow. You can be more creative. 
     fighting demons my body wants but my heart hates.-- What demons are you talking about. Be more specific. Hearts don't hate. They pump blood or some crap. The heart as the feeling center is stupid. 

If I open my eyes 
     they're at my fingertips, ready to destroy me.

If I close my eyes -- Would put a comma here. 
     they play a movie of all the things I've done. -- I get that bullshit. There's no cry to the understanding crowds with a poem. It's like some weird art that people think is cool or something. 

I don't want to close my eyes
     because I'm afraid of what I'll see. 

I don't want to open my eyes,
     but that pain is easier to bear.

So no matter what I do,
     I can't close my eyes. -- Get ready for the ride. Prolonging sleep may make it worse. 
[quote]

What's the correlation between misery and selling poems? Beats me. Maybe it's marketing or something. Anyways, this is too much of a cry into a void. What sympathy comes from hungry, bespectacled/pimple-faced goons? Got to get more creative at least.

Brownlie: while this critique is not technically breaking any rules, you might want to lay off with the "troll" business.  It's not impressive and it's just getting boring.  The point of critique is to assist the poet, not continually point out what an unpleasant person you are/ Admin

[burrealist]

One suggestion is to figure ways to reword this piece. Make it really, really flow. So the first lines are good, but can be improved. Here's a suggestion: "In my bed I lie awake". Otherwise, if you're a fan of the apparent, natural pause, consider using punctuation to accentuate the pause: "I'm in my bed, wide awake". See how re-positioning the comma gives this opening line a different taste?

The repetition of "eyes" can be utilized well, but here I feel you may have been too excited. It becomes trite and confusing. I see where you are leading us readers, but we get lost in your eyes rather in the images and feelings you want to convey.

The subject-matter is awesome. Elusive. Your demons are more terrifying without a face. I myself suffer from constant nagging of demons trying to pressure my morality. The darkness of your poem is so entrancing, it's almost a demon in itself.

[Graca]

This felt a little too elusive/bare bones to me. I like poetry that leaves questions or is open to interpretation, but it helps when there is a bit more description. I think the demon bit needs to be fleshed out - the external demon that you see made sense to me (I interpreted this as drugs personally) but translating that to memories/internal experience felt a bit clunky. You say the demons "play the movie" - but aren't the thoughts themselves the demons? I might be digging too deep into this but that's the part that tripped me up.

[nibbed]

Here's another one I'm working on.

I'm in my bed wide awake,
     fighting demons my body wants but my heart hates.

If I open my eyes 
     they're at my fingertips, ready to destroy me.

If I close my eyes
     they play a movie of all the things I've done.

I don't want to close my eyes
     because I'm afraid of what I'll see.

I don't want to open my eyes,
     but that pain is easier to bear.

So no matter what I do,
     I can't close my eyes.

Hi JaredEggo

I hope you are not suffering and if you are, things will get better and you will find victory.
I would try reworking it into a rhyme. I don't know why when I was reading through it over and over
my brain wanted the words to change into rhyme. Maybe it was the way I saw the format. Anyways,
just a thought. Best wishes!

[Franklin'sMan]

Hi Jared. Before I say anything, understand that I've not read the comments left by others before I arrived. So if I mention something already mentioned three times, I ask for patience. 

Here's another one I'm working on.

I'm in my bed wide awake,
     fighting demons my body wants but my heart hates. How does your body want them? Even a hint of how it wants the demons will tell us a lot about the demons. Right now that word can mean anything.

If I open my eyes 
     they're at my fingertips, ready to destroy me. How would they destroy you? Why does keeping your eyes closed keep them from destroying you?

If I close my eyes
     they play a movie of all the things I've done. So they're in your head. But they're also not? Or do you seem them in the dark? The word 'dark'  or 'darkness' could show up somewhere, along with images speaker might see in the dark. That'd make things more concrete.

I don't want to close my eyes
     because I'm afraid of what I'll see.

I don't want to open my eyes,
     but that pain is easier to bear.

So no matter what I do,
     I can't close my eyes. I see the meaning - you can't escape them. But you've used 'eyes' twice above in a literal way, so here my first thought was 'of course you can close your eyes - you can't escape them so it makes no difference'. Then I realized that it was metaphore. But it could be changed so that it has a stronger meaning by being less closely tied to the literal use in the previous two stanzas.

The biggest trouble you're having is much the same that most of us have. You're not being a) descriptive enough because b) you're depending on abstract words like 'want', 'hate', and 'destroy'. This is because c) you're settling for the first words, and descriptions, that spring to mind.

In terms of content, I think you're speaking to something we can all relate to. This can be a strength if you recast it and make this more concrete and personal to the speaker - share with us how it actually sees and appears.

[Richard]

Hey JaredEggo,
All of the posts about the poem cover just about everything you can think about when it comes to this poem. I have to agree with the posts that say that you have a good concept here that just needs to be developed more.

Personally, I think you need to ask yourself why you wrote this poem. I think you need to decide if you are succeeding at your intended purpose, or if you need to make revisions to achieve whatever your original purpose was for this piece. For example, if this poem was written to be purely therapeutic, then I would say it was a success. However, if you wrote this to be something that a wide audience could relate to, you need to expand on your thoughts and imagery. Everyone can relate to the struggles of temptation, but you need to personalize it more so it becomes more personal for the reader.

Your poem actually reminded me of a bare bones version of the song, “I Can See Clearly Now.” Believe it or not, that song was written about overcoming drug addiction. In closing, I definitely think you need to do a edit of this poem, and I look forward to reading it.

Keep writing,
Richard

[C.los]

It is a little vague in my opinion. It needs more detail. Words to describe your demons, how will they destroy you. When you read, you paint a picture in your mind of what you see. From reading your poem I see someone in bed afraid but don't really know why they're afraid. 

Here's another one I'm working on.

I'm in my bed wide awake,
     fighting demons my body wants but my heart hates. what does the body want, why does your heart hate of how

If I open my eyes 
     they're at my fingertips, ready to destroy me. Why/how? more detail

If I close my eyes
     they play a movie of all the things I've done. Whats going on?

I don't want to close my eyes
     because I'm afraid of what I'll see.

I don't want to open my eyes,
     but that pain is easier to bear.

So no matter what I do,
     I can't close my eyes.

[wordgobbler]

Hi! 
Well to start I really like the way you decided to format the poem it's interesting and really adds something to the way the reader reads it. I think the way you described the demons showing you what you've done like a movie is clever, as if they're watching some film on DVD but it's your life, it shows how they taunt you. Also, I really like how you chose the ending it really does give emphasis to the poem and hits hard. Good job on this one!

[AttnAttack]

Here's another one I'm working on.

I'm in my bed wide awake,
     fighting demons my body wants but my heart hates.

If I open my eyes 
     they're at my fingertips, ready to destroy me.

If I close my eyes
     they play a movie of all the things I've done.

I don't want to close my eyes
     because I'm afraid of what I'll see.

I don't want to open my eyes,
     but that pain is easier to bear.  --Rhyme this line with "because...see" for a cool effect.  I think you'll like the way it sounds

So no matter what I do,
     I can't close my eyes.  --This is a bit flat of an ending.  You could change this to be more poignant.  If they're really demons in your mind, you should highlight the exasperation and desperation you have to get rid of them.  Its dark, but consider a suicide motif or self mutilation one;  tearing out your eyes with a knife would highlight just how gruesome the memories are.

[Radetof.Yahska]

Here's another one I'm working on.

I'm in my bed wide awake,
     fighting demons my body wants but my heart hates.

If I open my eyes 
     they're at my fingertips, ready to destroy me.

If I close my eyes
     they play a movie of all the things I've done.

I don't want to close my eyes
     because I'm afraid of what I'll see.

I don't want to open my eyes,
     but that pain is easier to bear.

So no matter what I do,
     I can't close my eyes.

From personal experience, it feels like it's about a couple of things:
1) Drugs
2) Bipolar disorder (maybe)/Mania
3) Paranoia

But again, as has been stated before in the thread, a description of the demons wouldn't hurt anyone. It is very open-ended as it is, and if that is what you wanted to go for, then good. I don't think that cliches hurt as much as others would, but yes, descriptions of pain do not have the same heat when you just say 'pain'.

[QueenFaye]

Here's another one I'm working on.

I'm in my bed wide awake,
     fighting demons my body wants but my heart hates.

If I open my eyes 
     they're at my fingertips, ready to destroy me.

If I close my eyes
     they play a movie of all the things I've done.

I don't want to close my eyes
     because I'm afraid of what I'll see.

I don't want to open my eyes,
     but that pain is easier to bear.

So no matter what I do,
     I can't close my eyes.

Its a fair start. I would like to know what the demons are doing to to. What are your fears? What is playing in the movies? would tie the poem to together.

[inmostcave]

Halo Jared,

I like the concept of your poem in incorporating 'demons' with the fear to neither closing nor opening your eyes. Although I found it too 'simple' (not that simple is bad, no), it's just that.. I found it lacking of emotions built to feel the pain, the horror or even the dilemma because it was that 'simple'.
I'm really hoping you can be more descriptive in wording them, maybe you can incorporate something physical to the emotions you tried put in your poem so the readers can actually feel. They don't have to be in fancy words. Again, simplicity is not necessarily a bad thing.

Keep up with the work, Jared

[Josiah]

You've got a great idea for this poem, and I like a lot of the structure. But you're not using much descriptive/ poetic language. You're saying the meaning of your poem rather than expressing it. Try to delve deeper into some of the topics introduced in this poem. But overall, it's got a great inspiration, just needs a bit more work!

[spiritthebrave]

The content is great! There are definite flow issues though. This could almost just be a solid paragraph as opposed to a poem. I think you need to open it up more. Let imagery take over, and expand on this concept milking it for all its worth.