Red, White, and You

[mrweiner]

Fascism? This again? Flags are in, citizen,
yours are right there between Finley and Finnigan,
fold them up, faster, for children and women, men,
help us ensure that the U.S. will win again.

You do want our country to prosper, correct?
You want to keep all of your freedoms intact?
You like having money and like to expect that
you're worth more than others whose thoughts you reject?

Then listen up, now, I'll not say it once more,
you've got to speak faster to even the score,
don't think before arguments, march out your door,
go level the field 'tween our rich and their poor.

The terror is brown and the job thiefs are yellow,
your wives can hang out but they'd better stay mellow,
the black ones do drugs so we pen them in ghettos,
don't venture there, you're all respectable fellows.

Be careful with news because as you're aware
so much of it's lies that are crafted to scare,
that's why we're preparing our our state-sponsored air
at which you can smile, nod, cheer, stomp or stare.

Your unions are dated, they squabble unneeded,   
our corporate shepards will lead you to eden
and baptize with gold all your trickle down defects,
diseases we wish weren't left so untreated.

So, Facism, citizen? That claim's a fad,
the fact that you think that we're headed there's sad,
forget that you thought it, its loss ironclad, 
get back to your place over there folding flags.

[QDeathstar]

Hi.

The uneven rhyme scheme and "Hey, Listen Here" along with the tired theming of fascism make this poem read a bit pompous... Who are you trying to reach? Do you think for a second anyone you are trying to reach is going to read past the first stanza? Now, you could shout IGNORANCE if you wish, but for me, a poet writes to convey a message and if your message cannot be delivered, well, what's the point. Im struggling to find something unique or original here. My personal views are different from yours, so maybe that is biasing my critique, but it just feels like i've read this same poem every time some republican starts a war the liberals don't like.


The fifth stanza is the strongest, the rest of them are very tired. Run-on rhetorical questions in poetry are superfluous... not that i haven't been guilty of making that same mistake.

Thanks for reminding me about this poem!

[Donald Q.]

Fascism? This again?

My feelings when I read this poem. 





In all seriousness, this poem is a bit patronising and overreaching. I would perhaps recommend focusing on something less nebulous. 
Why not start smaller, write a poem about flags specifically? Sorry if this seems unhelpful, I just feel this is the wrong approach to take to a political poem.

[ellajam]

Quite a rant, , I found it fast-moving and fairly easy to get through to the end on first read. Sorry I don't have time for a full crit but I will tomorrow, I just want to let you know not all readers have the same response as the ones above.

[mrweiner]

Hi.

The uneven rhyme scheme and "Hey, Listen Here" along with the tired theming of fascism make this poem read a bit pompous... Who are you trying to reach? Do you think for a second anyone you are trying to reach is going to read past the first stanza? Now, you could shout IGNORANCE if you wish, but for me, a poet writes to convey a message and if your message cannot be delivered, well, what's the point.  Im struggling to find something unique or original here. My personal views are different from yours, so maybe that is biasing my critique, but it just feels like i've read this same poem every time some republican starts a war the liberals don't like.

Not to be ignorant (actually I guess that's the sole goal), but what do you mean by uneven rhyme scheme? The intent was to keep an AAAA/BBBB/etc scheme, although I'm conscious of the fact that many of the rhymes are slant rhymes (and some could probably stand to be thrown into a fire, at that). Are you able to expand on why that in particular lends to the pompousness of the poem? I guess as far as unique/original, I cannot argue with you there. It was inspired by current events, but there's nothing in it that would really even relate it to the particular time which inspired it, so it doesn't even have a shot at a unique timestamp.

As an aside, I was following along with The 14 Characteristics of Fascism and this reddit comment as I was making my way through writing. Not sure if that gives any perspective on anything here or not.

I've never written any politically-focused poetry (maybe I should keep it that way), so I don't entirely know what my aim was here. It's probably more of a preaching-to-the-choir or preaching-to-those-interested-in-joining-the-choir piece than something intended to change, for instance, your mind. I know it's polarizing. That was certainly the point. I've never had any thoughts of my country headed toward fascism prior to the last week and a half, although I now recognize that there's no way for somebody outside of my head to know that.

The fifth stanza is the strongest, the rest of them are very tired. Run-on rhetorical questions in poetry are superfluous... not that i haven't been guilty of making that same mistake.
Good point. I generally try to be conscious of this, but I think I got on a bit of a roll once I started writing this particular poem. Once ya start the engine, sometimes there's no getting off the train.

Thanks for reminding me about this poem!
I guess we can all be a bit pompous sometimes, eh?

Thanks for taking the time to read through. I appreciate it! 

---

Fascism? This again?

My feelings when I read this poem. 

I can certainly understand why you'd feel that way, since I'm putting words these words into the mouth of a narrator with whom you share this sentiment.

In all seriousness, this poem is a bit patronising and overreaching. I would perhaps recommend focusing on something less nebulous. 
Why not start smaller, write a poem about flags specifically? Sorry if this seems unhelpful, I just feel this is the wrong approach to take to a political poem.

Should all writing really be written in a non-patronizing tone of voice? Sometimes people and ideas can be patronizing. Shouldn't we, as writers, be able to use that as another tool? 

I could certainly write a poem about flags, but I don't give much of a damn about flags. I'd rather concern myself with the people flying them.

---

Quite a rant, , I found it fast-moving and fairly easy to get through to the end on first read. Sorry I don't have time for a full crit but I will tomorrow, I just want to let you know not all readers have the same response as the ones above.

Thanks Ella! Looking forward to reading it. As a sidenote for when you get back, I just had the thought of wrapping the whole piece as a quote. Do you think that would have any effect on how it's read?

[QDeathstar]

Hi,

the slant rhymes don't really work, for me. For example, "that" is a boring word to rhyme with and i also don't think it's close enough to correct or intact, and i don't think those words are that effective as end rhyme either. So the end result looks like not much thought was put into the word choice.... Sort of like spouting off at the hip, e.g., pompous.

It's not the subject i'm referring too when i said "i've read it before" but the word choice and style. This is standard stereotypical teenaged angst-poetry. I feel if i were to go on myspace circa 2003 i'd find poems that were almost a carbon copy to this one.

I think if you have the title as is you can drop naming the united states in the poem. It's redundant.

Facism and racism have become just another word to describe something someone doesn't like.

[mrweiner]

Hi,

the slant rhymes don't really work, for me. For example, "that" is a boring word to rhyme with and i also don't think it's close enough to correct or intact, and i don't think those words are that effective as end rhyme either. So the end result looks like not much thought was put into the word choice.... Sort of like spouting off at the hip, e.g., pompous. Glad you brought that up as an example. I was actually curious how it might come across. At first I wanted to use expect as the end-rhyme, but felt like the pacing needed a soft syllable to correctly pass into the next line. Interesting to think of those words as weak rhymes. I've never directly considered the idea of strong vs weak rhymes.

It's not the subject i'm referring too when i said "i've read it before"  but the word choice and style. This is standard stereotypical teenaged angst-poetry. I feel if i were to go on myspace circa 2003 i'd find poems that were almost a carbon copy to this one.
Man, I take your point, but you're mighty salty about it. I get it, I'm not the weird lovechild of Allen Ginsberg and Shel Silverstein that I wish I were.

I think if you have the title as is you can drop naming the united states in the poem. It's redundant.
Good point.

Facism and racism have become just another word to describe something someone doesn't like.
While that is true, they are also words with actual meanings. I agree that throwing words around willy nilly like what's happened to "literally" defeats the usefulness of those words, but sometimes their use is appropriate. I understand that using them in such drivel as "stereotypical teenaged angst-poetry" could be argued to diminish their meaning, although I really hadn't considered this to fall into such a category prior to sharing.

[QDeathstar]

I mean that "that" isn't a great word to end a line on, imo. I might be missing on the fancy stuff your doing with the soft/hard etc. It's a trifecta of bad if you will, that makes it week. It's not workable slant rhyme, "that" is an uninteresting word, and it is a bad choice for a line break. (all opinions).


Do you think that keeping people out of your country(regardless of the method) is the same as imprisoning or killing them(regardless of the method) Seriously what is the most fascist thing that trump as done and how does it compare to what horrible people like Hitler and Stalin have done. I think it pales in comparison. Honestly. Mean, foolish, short sighted, ignorant, arrogant. Dangerous. Sure. Ok, i give you that. But fascist... i think that is over-reach, which is why the poem seems over-done. I appreciate the back and forth, not trying to be rude.

[mrweiner]

I'm really not doing anything fancy with the meter -- it's just dactyl tetrameter. I didn't know what it was referred to as until this very moment, but the rhythm in this piece is basically the triple meter equivalent of iambic tetrameter, where iambic tetrameter has four feet, or stresses, compared to iambic pentameter's five. I find that in writing metered stanzas like this, sometimes I feel as though there need to be specific types of stresses at the beginning or end of the line for it to read correctly or I get tripped up. I think in this specific case it is because the previous lines are each self-contained questions ending on a stress, so I thought a soft sound was needed to push the line into the next as one sentence. I can't argue with you that "that" is a weak word to end a line on.

I would argue that trump has probably not done anything that is quite as terrible as the things done by Hitler or Stalin -- yet -- just as I wouldn't say that we are living under a fascist dictatorship -- yet. However, I do think that a lot of the precursors to such a situation are cropping up, and I find that troubling. I don't think I stated that we are living in a fascist state in the poem either. In fact, the narrator addresses this in the final stanza.

As for my thoughts on Trump and his contribution to our movement in the direction of a fascist state, since it's important to the context in which the poem was written...I feel like that's too much to include here. I had something completely written out and formatted that combined some of my thoughts with those of the reddit comment/14 aspects of fascism that I linked to before, but it seemed like it would fall into the category of meta-discussion and might not be entirely appropriate for this specific forum. I can certainly post it if it's relevant.

[Donald Q.]

As an aside, I was following along with The 14 Characteristics of Fascism and this reddit comment as I was making my way through writing. Not sure if that gives any perspective on anything here or not.

I've never written any politically-focused poetry (maybe I should keep it that way), so I don't entirely know what my aim was here. It's probably more of a preaching-to-the-choir or preaching-to-those-interested-in-joining-the-choir piece than something intended to change, for instance, your mind. I know it's polarizing. That was certainly the point. I've never had any thoughts of my country headed toward fascism prior to the last week and a half, although I now recognize that there's no way for somebody outside of my head to know that.

---

Fascism? This again?

My feelings when I read this poem. 

I can certainly understand why you'd feel that way, since I'm putting words these words into the mouth of a narrator with whom you share this sentiment.

In all seriousness, this poem is a bit patronising and overreaching. I would perhaps recommend focusing on something less nebulous. 
Why not start smaller, write a poem about flags specifically? Sorry if this seems unhelpful, I just feel this is the wrong approach to take to a political poem.

Should all writing really be written in a non-patronizing tone of voice? Sometimes people and ideas can be patronizing. Shouldn't we, as writers, be able to use that as another tool? 

I could certainly write a poem about flags, but I don't give much of a damn about flags. I'd rather concern myself with the people flying them.

Okay, let me offer a more helpful critique. If it's a case of 'preaching to the choir' and an expression of your personal feelings on the changes in your county, then I want to feel more personality coming through in the poem! 
I think addressing it all to a second person hampers the poem; it ends up feeling didactic rather than passionate. That reddit post you linked is, indeed, full of some important discussion of Trump's worrying actions. However, within the context of your poem, those details are scarce; I understand that flippant lines about black people are fully intended to be risible, but again it gives nothing to latch onto. 
Your meter, for the most part, has quite a bounce to it, the tetrameter gives it a waltz like rhythm that is potentially quite pleasant, but is broken in places and also is hampered by your tone. I think that if you want to fully embrace this rhythm you could perhaps create something more satirical and cheeky, slip in more humor and go full Weimar Cabaret [Fitting, no?]. I hope this is more helpful crit, my apologies if I seemed overly dismissive but directly political poetry is a tricky beast. [P.s when I said write about flags I obviously did not mean write a fucking poem about nice fabrics and patterns, I mean use your skills of METAPHOR to write about PEOPLE whilst using imagery beginning with FLAGS, so don't get high and mighty with me, Weiner!] I am always happy to crit more, so don't be scared off doing a revision by my dickishness.

---

Also thought I would quickly spot check the meter seeing as I was talking about it; it is only in dactyl tetrameter for the first stanza, the rest is actually in Amphibrach tetrameter. This is the reason I was drawn to suggest humor in your poem; as it is the way the meter is often used.
You use both 11 and 12 syllable lines correctly with the AT meter, but it may be worth structuring more when you use each to give shape to the whole poem. 

Fascism? This again? Flags are in, citizen,  DT
yours are right there between Finley and Finnigan, DT
fold them up, faster, for children and women, men, DT
help us ensure that the U.S. will win again.    DT

You do want our country to prosper, correct? AT from here to the end
You want to keep all of your freedoms intact?
You like having money and like to expect that
you're worth more than others whose thoughts you reject?

Then listen up, now, I'll not say it once more,
you've got to speak faster to even the score,
don't think before arguments, march out your door, 
go level the field 'tween our rich and their poor. 

The terror is brown and the job thiefs are yellow,
your wives can hang out but they'd better stay mellow,
the black ones do drugs so we pen them in ghettos, 
don't venture there, you're all respectable fellows. You just about get away with respectable

Be careful with news because as you're aware Missing a comma here, you miss your 12th beat without it
so much of it's lies that are crafted to scare,
that's why we're preparing our our state-sponsored air
at which you can smile, nod, cheer, stomp or stare. Missing a beat before stare? 'Just stare'  fixes it.

Your unions are dated, they squabble unneeded,   
our corporate shepards will lead you to eden
and baptize with gold all your trickle down defects, 
diseases we wish weren't left so untreated. Second half of this line stumbles, because of 'left' probably

So, Facism, citizen? That claim's a fad, 
the fact that you think that we're headed there's sad,
forget that you thought it, its loss ironclad, 
get back to your place over there folding flags.

[mrweiner]

Okay, let me offer a more helpful critique. If it's a case of 'preaching to the choir' and an expression of your personal feelings on the changes in your county, then I want to feel more personality coming through in the poem! 
I think addressing it all to a second person hampers the poem; it ends up feeling didactic rather than passionate. That reddit post you linked is, indeed, full of some important discussion of Trump's worrying actions. However, within the context of your poem, those details are scarce; I understand that flippant lines about black people are fully intended to be risible, but again it gives nothing to latch onto. As I was writing it, I think I was picturing it is some sort of weird future where people are actually collected in a room folding flags, and the narrator was addressing the single concerned person in the first and last stanzas, and the room for the rest of it. [b]Obviously, it probably didn't read that way since I didn't let you know any of it in the poem! With the above in mind, I think I was addressing generalities and not specific Trump actions because I don't know if Trump even really exists in the timeline that this poem does. I understand why more specificity in any regard would strengthen the message.[/b]

Your meter, for the most part, has quite a bounce to it, the tetrameter gives it a waltz like rhythm that is potentially quite pleasant, but is broken in places and also is hampered by your tone. I think that if you want to fully embrace this rhythm you could perhaps create something more satirical and cheeky, slip in more humor and go full Weimar Cabaret [Fitting, no?]. Fitting indeed, ha. That is a fair point. I certainly understand that such meter is usually used humorously, but didn't consider the fact that not using it humorously might hamper the piece because of that association.

I hope this is more helpful crit, my apologies if I seemed overly dismissive but directly political poetry is a tricky beast. [P.s when I said write about flags I obviously did not mean write a fucking poem about nice fabrics and patterns, I mean use your skills of METAPHOR to write about PEOPLE whilst using imagery beginning with FLAGS, so don't get high and mighty with me, Weiner!] 
Sorry! I just got off of reading two responses that felt very flippant. I couldn't help but puff out my chest a little bit. Honestly I couldn't tell if you were suggesting I should actually write about fabrics with patterns. I don't know your mind, just your comment!

I am always happy to crit more, so don't be scared off doing a revision by my dickishness.
I appreciate it. I'm debating whether I really want to re-work this at all or leave it as a timestamp and take all of the feedback as I move forward.

---

Also thought I would quickly spot check the meter seeing as I was talking about it; it is only in dactyl tetrameter for the first stanza, the rest is actually in Amphibrach tetrameter. This is the reason I was drawn to suggest humor in your poem; as it is the way the meter is often used.
You use both 11 and 12 syllable lines correctly with the AT meter, but it may be worth structuring more when you use each to give shape to the whole poem. 

Fascism? This again? Flags are in, citizen,  DT
yours are right there between Finley and Finnigan, DT
fold them up, faster, for children and women, men, DT
help us ensure that the U.S. will win again.   DT

You do want our country to prosper, correct? AT from here to the end
You want to keep all of your freedoms intact? 
You like having money and like to expect that 
you're worth more than others whose thoughts you reject? 

Then listen up, now, I'll not say it once more, 
you've got to speak faster to even the score, 
don't think before arguments, march out your door, 
go level the field 'tween our rich and their poor. 

The terror is brown and the job thiefs are yellow,
your wives can hang out but they'd better stay mellow,
the black ones do drugs so we pen them in ghettos, 
don't venture there, you're all respectable fellows. You just about get away with respectable

Be careful with news because as you're aware Missing a comma here, you miss your 12th beat without it
so much of it's lies that are crafted to scare,
that's why we're preparing our our state-sponsored air
at which you can smile, nod, cheer, stomp or stare. Missing a beat before stare? 'Just stare'  fixes it.

Your unions are dated, they squabble unneeded,   
our corporate shepards will lead you to eden
and baptize with gold all your trickle down defects, 
diseases we wish weren't left so untreated. Second half of this line stumbles, because of 'left' probably

So, Facism, citizen? That claim's a fad, 
the fact that you think that we're headed there's sad,
forget that you thought it, its loss ironclad, 
get back to your place over there folding flags.

The meter analysis is helpful. I wasn't sure if "Amphibrach tetrameter" would be proper, but apparently it is. I thought I got away with respectable really cleanly! Sad to hear that ya stumbled there. For the smile, I was really going back and forth on whether or not it needed another beat. Even though I know smile is technically one syllable, when I was reading it I kept pronouncing it as smi-le, which I guess is why it worked for me but not for you. I guess that's a sign to find another word! I think you're right about your guess at "left" being a stumble point.

[RiverNotch]

Fascism? This again? Flags are in, citizen, 
yours are right there between Finley and Finnigan, Not sure who Finley and Finnigan (Finnegan?) are referring to, if at all, but I keep thinking "Finnegans Wake" for "Finnigan", which is kinda stupid (in my part). Also I would punctuate this differently: "Flags are in, citizen -- yours are right there between Finley's and Finnegans. Fold them up faster, for women and children, men; help us ensure that the US will win again!"
fold them up, faster, for children and women, men, "for children and women, men" is an awkward, awkward construction that broadcasts 'I ran out of ideas, fitting the thought to the meter!' There's got to be a better way.
help us ensure that the U.S. will win again. Though this obviously does refer to the US, it robs the piece of a certain universality by referring specifically to the US. It's not like this old wind ain't blowing around everywhere else.

You do want our country to prosper, correct?
You want to keep all of your freedoms intact?
You like having money and like to expect that "that", besides weakening the ending, breaks the rhythm of this stanza, which dispenses with the feminine endings. You don't need it.
you're worth more than others whose thoughts you reject?

Then listen up, now, I'll not say it once more, "now" interrupts. Something more better, perhaps more condescending-ish -- "son"?
you've got to speak faster to even the score,
don't think before arguments, march out your door,
go level the field 'tween our rich and their poor. "'tween" also screams 'prosody!' A more wholesale restatement is needed.

The above stanza is sorta problematic for me. I don't entirely get what you're talking about here -- "to even the score" with whom, exactly? "don't think before arguments" is not something this administration would ever say, I think, since it betrays their lie -- should be more "think like us in your arguments". "our rich", "their poor": I don't really see a clear delineation between the elites and not here, which I think is what this line is endorsing? But yeah, the stanza as bridge between the list of the nation's problems and the frame story is a little awkward, perhaps because it's not as to the point. I'd rather the imperatives be limited to just the first lines, then the next two lines jump immediately to all the nation's problems -- perhaps a clearer couple on that whole "elites" thing, or maybe about how the previous administrations failed miserably. Really, the focus of this piece I think is how reality is twisted by the administration, so the imperatives, plus the rhetorical questions peppering the piece, need to be compressed.

The terror is brown and the job thiefs are yellow, I believe folks from Syria, Iraq, Iran, and Yemen are more white than brown -- and Sudanese and Somalians, more black. Also, fuck the travel ban.
your wives can hang out but they'd better stay mellow, 
the black ones do drugs so we pen them in ghettos, I thought it was more "the black ones, we make them do drugs in the ghettos" -- but of course, the more racist way it's stated here is intentional.
don't venture there, you're all respectable fellows. Yeah, the meter does break here, and this whole piece reads like you're preaching to the choir -- not a bad thing, mind, but breaks in rhythm I find work better when things get more serious. This needs a more wholesale change -- perhaps divide "The terror is brown" into what I think are its constituent parts, Mexicans and Muslims.

Be careful with news because as you're aware 
so much of it's lies that are crafted to scare, Here's something I disagree with -- I find that the administration, and fascists in general, don't deplore the news because it's "crafted to scare". Perhaps when it talks about problems that the fascists don't want you to focus on, but even then they'd just plain not talk about it just so you wouldn't get suspicious -- instead, it's more the news is out to get them, against the nation's progress, or just plain wrong, so that ultimately, "crafted to scare" reads like it was constructed just for the rhyme.
that's why we're preparing our our state-sponsored air Extra "our".
at which you can smile, nod, cheer, stomp or stare. Missing a syllable in the middle -- but generally, this is a mouthful that could probably work structured differently, perhaps with a focus on showing another insight. I have a feeling that when that Putinesque age of a media dominated by catastrophist (but never the wrong sort of catastrophes, mind) lies overtakes America, the news won't be meant to make one smile, nod, cheer, etc. -- only cower in fear.

Your unions are dated, they squabble unneeded,   
our corporate shepards will lead you to eden Shepard? Only the first game was good, you know. (or did you mean Shepherd? and Eden should be capitalized)
and baptize with gold all your trickle down defects, 
diseases we wish weren't left so untreated.

So, Facism, citizen? That claim's a fad, Facism? Is this deliberate?
the fact that you think that we're headed there's sad, Would also punctuate this differently. "That claim's a fad. The fact that you think that we're headed there's sad. Forget that you thought it, its loss ironclad: get back to your place over there folding flags."
forget that you thought it, its loss ironclad, What exactly is "its loss ironclad" supposed to mean, other than to sustain the rhyme?
get back to your place over there folding flags.

So yes, preaching to the choir. It seems to me that most people in this site are sane, so I suppose it's the right choir you've preached to -- albeit folks seem to think this is meant to be a serious polemic? Is it? If so, then you failed, and failed miserably, but the sprightly rhythm and the conversational tone broadcast otherwise, and, in such a case, I think, bar the rough spots I've noted, you've succeeded. 

[ellajam]

Hi, mrweiner, sorry it took me so long to get to my critique.

Fascism? This again? Flags are in, citizen,
yours are right there between Finley and Finnigan,
fold them up, faster, for children and women, men,
help us ensure that the U.S. will win again.

I have trouble figuring out what's going on here. Google was no help with Finley and Finnigan so I'm left with the citizen fitting in alphabetically, which leads me to everyone folding, bolstered by the L3 list. Folding flags mean military death to me, so everyone's getting killed? If I'm correct, for me that's a long way to go to get there.

You do want our country to prosper, correct?
You want to keep all of your freedoms intact?
You like having money and like to expect that
you're worth more than others whose thoughts you reject?

I'm reading this from a US point of view, I can't find anything to point me elsewhere. That said, I have a problem with the last line here. I don't think the wanting more money is to have more than those who think differently, the disdain is there rich or poor. This is not to say it is not about money, only to say when you're better than everyone it really doesn't matter what they think or have.

Then listen up, now, I'll not say it once more,
you've got to speak faster to even the score,
don't think before arguments, march out your door,
go level the field 'tween our rich and their poor.
I like the first 3 lines, the speaking faster, but in L4 I don't think anyone wants to really level the playing field, certainly not to be on an even par with "their poor". Am I missing the point here?

The terror is brown and the job thiefs are yellow,
your wives can hang out but they'd better stay mellow,
the black ones do drugs so we pen them in ghettos,
don't venture there, you're all respectable fellows.
L2 I'd prefer something other than "hang out", maybe "get jobs".  

Be careful with news because as you're aware
so much of it's lies that are crafted to scare,
that's why we're preparing our our state-sponsored air
at which you can smile, nod, cheer, stomp or stare.
I like this until "stare", seems there for the rhyme.

Your unions are dated, they squabble unneeded,   
our corporate shepards will lead you to eden
and baptize with gold all your trickle down defects,
diseases we wish weren't left so untreated.
The first 2 lines yes, after that I'm not sure who you mean or what the defects and diseases are.

So, Facism, citizen? That claim's a fad,
the fact that you think that we're headed there's sad,
forget that you thought it, its loss ironclad, 
get back to your place over there folding flags.
I like the end.

So, I'm sorry if I missed things I should have gotten but that's where I am. Now I get to read the other crit, which I only glanced at first time around. Good luck with this, and if you're not of a mind to work on it, sorry for the bump.

[spiritthebrave]

preach it! I like that i get the point ( some poems just seem like incessant ramblings). I feel that you keep it strong throughout. My main critique is in the logistics. The rhyming was a bit off ( some stanzas all end in the same rhyme and some do not). Its always hard with rhyming poems to get the strong rhyme and line, but sometimes you have to let go of something in order to create something better. Also there were many lines that seemed to have to many and or to few syllables for a smooth flow ( you were jumping between 11 and 12 syllables throughout) but it's not just the amount of syllables, but how they're dispersed.