Going to Long John Silvers

[Brownlie]

I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.
 
Got caught up in a hook and snag,
and I lost some money at the old horse track,
guzzled down whiskey in the bright midday,
‘til the blinding sun blazoned bright dismay.
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.
 
Said to myself I wouldn’t turn on the car,
but the liquor store didn’t seem that far,
took off my mirror swiping a mailbox,
then I slithered home to a couple big shots.
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.
 
Drenched myself, made my lips real dry,
and I gasped out slow that I’m ready to die,
reached in the sock where I kept my glock,
decided just to end all the guilt in one shot.
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, on the congested freeway,
going to Long John Silvers, all you swimming fish make way,
I’m going away, I’ve decided my fate,
determined the time when I’ll lay prostrate.
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell

[JasonM.]

I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.
 
Got caught up in a hook and snag,
and I lost some money at the old horse track,
guzzled down whiskey in the bright midday,
‘til the blinding sun blazoned bright dismay.
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day. ( I really like this stanza and it started the poem out strong; however, I feel that this repetition was to soon and could have been saved for a stronger impact later on.)  
 
Said to myself I wouldn’t turn on the car,
but the liquor store didn’t seem that far,
took off my mirror swiping a mailbox,
then I slithered home to a couple big shots.  
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day. 
 
Drenched myself, made my lips real dry,
and I gasped out slow that I’m ready to die,
reached in the sock where I kept my glock,
decided just to end all the guilt in one shot. ( This stanza would work great if it followed right after the 4th stanza. It flows nicely with the big shots and really brings in the despair)
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, on the congested freeway,
going to Long John Silvers, all you swimming fish make way,
I’m going away, I’ve decided my fate,
determined the time when I’ll lay prostrate. (Perhaps this could be placed differently. I like to reference of fishes on the highway but with that I get a sense of water and of a steady flow which is interrupted by how the stanza is placed.) 
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell

I enjoyed reading this poem. I can put together a scene with what you wrote and I can feel the sense of desperation. Other than what I've already said, I'd work on the flow of the poem overall and see how it works.

Thanks for sharing!

[Brownlie]

Some good points.  Thanks for comments.

[dukealien]

I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.
 
Got caught up in a hook and snag,  missing rhyme here?  or reference?
and I lost some money at the old horse track,
guzzled down whiskey in the bright midday,
‘til the blinding sun blazoned bright dismay.
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.
 
Said to myself I wouldn’t turn on the car,
but the liquor store didn’t seem that far,
took off my mirror swiping a mailbox,
then I slithered home to a couple big shots.
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.
 
Drenched myself, made my lips real dry,
and I gasped out slow that I’m ready to die,
reached in the sock where I kept my glock,
decided just to end all the guilt in one shot.
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, on the congested freeway,
going to Long John Silvers, all you swimming fish make way,
I’m going away, I’ve decided my fate,
determined the time when I’ll lay prostrate.  This should be "lie" - I'll lay to that!
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell

Very amusing rant/rap.  Those who have experienced a serious hangover's warring compulsions to get something into the stomach, preferrably greasy, and to avoid eating anything at all (since it will be back real soon) will especially sympathize.

The obvious apparent flaw in the rhyme scheme puzzles me (first line after the initial refrain, "snag...track").  Is "snag" to be pronounced "snack," or "track" to be "tag?"  On the whole, since one of the subjects is food, I favor the former - but am probably missing a reference whch would explain it.  Google replies to "hook and snag" with "snag hook," a three-armed fishhook; if the viewpoint character is thinking of himself as a fish (also suggested by ordering [other] fish out of the way in the final verse) that could be it.  Or was it perhaps "smack?"

Minor corrections: in the last verse-line ("...when I'll lay prostrate") it should, strictly speaking, be "lie" - but "lay" contains an echo of the pirate's "I'll lay to that" so fits in with the LJS theme.  A similar tetchy correction would be to capitalize "[G]lock," but this is probably admissible speaking generically of any common automatic (a "nine," that is) even if it happens to be a SIG, S&W, or Mauser.  These are not serious objections.

The structure is quite effective - can hear it sing (or rap).

after posting this, will look at the previous critique

[ellajam]

Fun read. I like Jason's idea of swapping S3/S4.

"Took off my mirror swiping a mailbox":

I like the line but the meter is a bit wonky for me.

A lightweight crit for mild but it read beautifully for me, if I come up with anything else I'll pipe up. Thanks for posting, I enjoyed it.

[CRNDLSM]

Came up with my own tune for this one, not to impose, but I noticed a few things 

I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away. First, I love this, cause in my head fast food is a sort of suicide.  Second, as a tune, blow the blues away works too, but I like brains better.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.
 
Got caught up in a hook and snag,
and I lost some money at the old horse track,
guzzled down whiskey in the bright midday,
‘til the blinding sun blazoned bright dismay. I think there are too many similes here, bright midday, bright dismay, blinding, blazing sun, I like alliteration, but too similar here
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.
 
Said to myself I wouldn’t turn on the car,
but the liquor store didn’t seem that far,
took off my mirror swiping a mailbox,
then I slithered home to a couple big shots. Slither sounds like intentional sneaking snake-like, not drunken meandering like I picture
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.
 
Drenched myself, made my lips real dry,
and I gasped out slow that I’m ready to die,
reached in the sock where I kept my glock,
decided just to end all the guilt in one shot. From drinking shots to bullet shots, since guilt isn't elaborated, it might not be necessary
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, on the congested freeway,
going to Long John Silvers, all you swimming fish make way,
I’m going away, I’ve decided my fate,
determined the time when I’ll lay prostrate. At first I thought this section was too long and repetitive, but now it's one of my favorites as is.  However, considering all the fish on the freeway, yourself included, headed to Long John Silvers, or death in my mind, the fish would be dead long before they got to the restaurant, so as the location for suicide doesn't make sense anymore, I ll kill myself when I get to heaven...  lastly, decided was used a couple times and determined is almost the same thing, so with the repetition of the chorus, and the abrupt cut off at the very end we know it's been decided, 
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell

Had a blast reading this one, thanks for posting!

[Erthona]

I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.

Got caught up in a hook and snag,
and I lost some money at the old horse track,   (snag and track, pronounced as snagt and tragt, so I have no problem with the rhyme)
guzzled down whiskey in the bright midday,
‘til the blinding sun blazoned bright dismay.

I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.

Said to myself I wouldn’t turn on the car, ("Said to myself, wouldn't turn on that car")
but the liquor store didn’t seem that far,
took off my mirror swiping a mailbox, (took off my mirror, swiped an old mailbox")
then I slithered home to a couple big shots.

I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.

Drenched myself, made my lips real dry,
and I gasped out slow that I’m ready to die,
reached in the sock where I kept my glock,
decided just to end all the guilt in one shot. (decided to end the guilt in a single shot)

I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.

I’m going to Long John Silvers, on the congested freeway, (Down to Long John Silver's on a choked freeway)
going to Long John Silvers, all you swimming fish make way,
I’m going away, I’ve decided my fate, (Now I'm going away, cause I've decided my fate)
determined the time when I’ll lay prostrate.

I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.

Should always be "Long John Silver's"

Kind of stylized musically like "Hit the road Jack" with a nice walking bass line.

Oh yea, did someone mention reversing the order of the lines:

"Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day
I’m going to Long John Silver's, where I’ll blow my brains away.


Best,

dale

[kolemath]

Just going to jump in here

I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day. ---The repetition is OK but would prefer some repetition of this idea rather than the exact stanza over and over
 
Got caught up in a hook and snag, -drop up?
and I lost some money at the old horse track,
guzzled down whiskey in the bright midday,
‘til the blinding sun blazoned bright dismay. -interesting idea but not the best words
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.
 
Said to myself I wouldn’t turn on the car,
but the liquor store didn’t seem that far, -already drank in an earlier stanza but now we're buying it?
took off my mirror swiping a mailbox,
then I slithered home to a couple big shots.
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.
 
Drenched myself, made my lips real dry, -strong line
and I gasped out slow that I’m ready to die,
reached in the sock where I kept my glock,
decided just to end all the guilt in one shot.
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell of a day.
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, on the congested freeway,
going to Long John Silvers, all you swimming fish make way,
I’m going away, I’ve decided my fate, -can end this line at away
determined the time when I’ll lay prostrate. -this line is strange..Not sure if I'm reading it right
 
I’m going to Long John Silvers, where I’ll blow my brains away.
Holy lord almighty, what a hell -the variation here is good