02-19-2017, 04:04 PM (This post was last modified: 09-23-2017, 06:18 AM by Todd.)
Revision 2.2
People only tell you they’ll go back to kill Hitler. But his death isn't why elevators no longer skip the thirteenth floor. For Christ would never split the sky, His brow unpierced forever, blood not falling like rain. This time, Claudette lingers like an unanswered question outside the barn. Why kill a German artist? Each choice, the chalk scratch on the dark board of an unending horizon, only to be erased like the child unbloated and undrowned in Crystal Lake. Claudette kisses Barry as if she’s stealing the air each time he breathes, her hands sticky-slick against his chest. She pushes him down on a bed of dry pine needles, as echoes of himself collapse into the first sound they now share. Her back arches like the blade of an axe.
~~
Rev 1: CRNDLSM, Donald, Lizzie: I made some changes based on the comments. I tried to introduce the Friday 13th element earlier and made the attempt to reimagine this in 13 lines--just to see what it would look like. Thanks all! (It's a bit ironic to be revising this piece). Rev 1.1: Achebe: I Addressed the "but that" in line 2. Revision 2: for my self-hatred and Donald Q Revision 2.1: Lizzie: Made some slight adjustments from her comments. Revision 2.2: Made a minor change, not worth a bump.
Revision 2.1
People only tell you they’ll go back to kill Hitler.
But his death isn't why elevators no longer
skip the thirteenth floor. For Christ would never split the sky,
His brow unpierced forever, blood not falling like rain.
This time, Claudette lingers like an unanswered question
outside the barn. Why kill a German artist? Each choice,
the chalk scratch on a dark board, only to be erased
like the child unbloated and undrowned in Crystal Lake.
Claudette kisses Barry as if she’s stealing the air
each time he breathes, her hands sticky-slick against his chest.
She pushes him down on a bed of dry pine needles,
as echoes of himself collapse into the first sound they now share. Her back arches like the blade of an axe.
Revision 1.1
People only tell you they’ll go back to kill Hitler. But his death isn't why elevators no longer skip the thirteenth floor. For Christ would never split the horizonon that day. His blood not falling like rain. This time Claudette ignores the barn. Why kill
a German artist? Memory
is chalk scratched on a dark board, only
to be wiped away like the child never drowned
in Crystal Lake. Claudette pushes
Barry down onto a bedof dry pine needles.
Her back arches like the blade of an axe.
~~
Revision
People only tell you they’ll go back to kill Hitler. But that’s not why elevators no longer skip the thirteenth floor. For Christno longer split the horizonon that day. His blood not falling like rain. This time Claudette ignores the barn. Why kill
a German artist? Memory
is chalk scratched on a dark board, only
to be wiped away like the child never drowned
in Crystal Lake. Claudette pushes
Barry down onto a bedof dry pine needles.
Her back arches like the blade of an axe.
~~
Original
People only tell you they’ll go back to kill Hitler, but that’s not why elevators no longer skip the thirteenth floor. Christ no longer split the horizon on that day. The blood no longer falling from His face like rain. Why kill a German artist with an above average appreciation of the human form? Memory is chalk scratched on a dark board, only to be wiped away—a side effect, like the child not drowned in Crystal Lake.
Barry and Claudette lie on a bed of dry pine needles. Her back arches like the blade of an axe.
(02-19-2017, 04:04 PM)Todd Wrote: People only tell you they’ll go back I think you're trying to take one of the most overused hypotheticals and make it new, and the elevator tidbit as a form of revisionist history is a revelation for me personally, I laughed at loud, it's my favorite thing in here
to kill Hitler, but that’s not why
elevators no longer skip
the thirteenth floor. Christ
no longer split the horizon
on that day. The blood no longer comparing christ and Hitler in this subject can't be avoided, they're the two big hitters, nice imagery though
falling from His face like rain.
Why kill a German artist
with an above average appreciation
of the human form? Memory
is chalk scratched on a dark board, only I get the metaphor, but I don't get the side-effect, memory is a side effect of wiping the dark board chalk that is real events? A history lesson in class, that we have to remember, revisionist history, but like a child not drowning?
to be wiped away—a side effect,
like the child not drowned
in Crystal Lake.Jason? The movie idea based on a real event revised for entertainment purposes?
Barry and Claudette lie on a bed
of dry pine needles. This scene followed by crystal lake reference mixed with the axe mention, seems like the real life murder near crystal lake that sparked the idea for the movie, sparking your comparison to Hitler christ and all of revisionist history.
Her back arches like the blade
of an axe.
Even though for the most part I like everything you're saying here, I'm unable to get away from the Jason movies, and think it cheeses the subject matter. Not sure how to help, here, less christ and Hitler, more Jason? But then how could the axe scene be more hitting? I'm sorry if I completely missed your points,
Thanks for the close read and yes you were reading everything as I intended it. I will consider the point you made on the Jason movie, but I don't want to explain too much of my intent in the comments here as it would likely warp any other comments going forward. I do appreciate the time you spent with the poem. Everything helps, especially when I'm attempting this sort of mash-up.
(02-19-2017, 04:04 PM)Todd Wrote: People only tell you they’ll go back
to kill Hitler, but that’s not why A poem about timetravel cliche... Yes Todd!
elevators no longer skipNot gonna lie I spend a few minutes trying to work out how hitler and friday 13 were connected before realising this bit was for jesus.
the thirteenth floor. Christ
no longer split the horizon Nice
on that day. The blood no longer
falling from His face like rain.
Why kill a German artist
with an above average appreciation
of the human form? Memory
is chalk scratched on a dark board, only
to be wiped away—a side effect,
like the child not drowned
in Crystal Lake.
Barry and Claudette lie on a bed
of dry pine needles.
Her back arches like the blade
of an axe. Hmm I also am not sure about the last 6 lines; it's not badly written but it's hard to bring the movie in at the end and give it enough clout.
I really like this poem; well written and great premise. Like Crndl, I am also unsure about the movie stuff; you'd perhaps need to write more or restructure for this aspect to play out? I also thought that the kill hitler / elevators segue is a bit too fast. Love to read any revision, especially seeing as I've not been particularly helpful with my crit . Thanks for sharing.
Yeah, I might have to seed the ideas sooner to give more of a feel of discovery than just dropping it in there at the end. It would probably feel more satisfying laid out that way. I'll also give some thought to easing into the transitions more.
Hi Todd. I haven't read any of the previous crits so that I could come to it fresh.
(02-19-2017, 04:04 PM)Todd Wrote: People only tell you they’ll go back -- the 'only' is confusing because it could mean that people only say that but don't really mean it, or that he's the only person they would go back in time to kill. It's not clear what to pair the only with.
to kill Hitler, but that’s not why -- yes, because the 3rd Reich exists in our short term memory. However, I'm confused by the "that." The verb is "tell," but I don't think the clause beginning with "that's" has anything to do with telling per se. Elevators skipped the 13th floor because of the superstition around the number 13 being bad luck or hauntings.
elevators no longer skip-- because we're forgetting the significance of that number, I'm thinking. Perhaps because the 13th is no longer associated with the Last Supper? Some would know the legend of the Knights Templar, but most just think of the movie and about how cool horror movies are.
the thirteenth floor. Christ
no longer split the horizon
on that day. The blood no longer
falling from His face like rain. -- like the use of rain, how it washes the chalk of history away
Why kill a German artist
with an above average appreciation -- this sentence feels too wordy
of the human form? Memory
is chalk scratched on a dark board, only -- the chalkboard image for collective memory is a good one
to be wiped away—a side effect, -- it's not clear what 'side effect' is modifying. Memory? The wiping? The dark board? I think you mean that revisionist history is a side effect of how collective memory washes away, but I'm guessing.
like the child not drowned -- Did he or didn't he? Depends on where you're getting your information.....is that part of the point? I love the Jason reference, but it complicates things.....significantly. Mostly because his character has gone through so many permutations in the Friday the 13th movies themselves, and then in his conceptualization in popular culture. I think what you mean is that Jason's story and persona, like history becoming myth, morphs and changes. That and when you speak of friday the 13th in our culture, people are more likely to make the association with the movies than with the historical associations presented previously.
in Crystal Lake.
Barry and Claudette lie on a bed
of dry pine needles. -- nice reference both to their sexual relationship and the context for Jason's demise (maybe) and how it evokes images of the Knights Templar burning alive (from the dry pine needles part).
Her back arches like the blade
of an axe. -- nice image that evokes Jason but also violence in general, perhaps the Templar legend again.
I think that this piece has much more to do with revisionist history than time machines, but I do understand that notion of, "if I had a time machine and could only go back and thwart one event, what would it be?", the answer would likely be something more recent that's in society's short term memory.
Anyway, I think the poem is fantastic -- there's a lot of potential meanings here. I think you would do well to clear up the modifier problems in the first bit.
Finally, I think you're missing a big opportunity to write the poem into 13 lines.
I appreciate the comments and the time you spent with it. I'll engage a bit with them but I'm always reluctant to say too much in a workshop--and pass on information that the poem isn't conveying. The only can be read both ways I agree for my purposes I'm still probably okay with the slight ambiguity as either interpretation works for me. I'll do a slight rewrite on the That in L2 probably. I see what you're saying. I think you're tracking mostly well through the content so its good to see that it's coming across. I love the idea of 13 lines but I think I'm going to have to add some lines so that may be tough to rearrange but I will at least try it and see if I can make it work. Thank you again.
Best,
Todd
(02-22-2017, 07:08 AM)Lizzie Wrote: Hi Todd. I haven't read any of the previous crits so that I could come to it fresh.
(02-19-2017, 04:04 PM)Todd Wrote: People only tell you they’ll go back -- the 'only' is confusing because it could mean that people only say that but don't really mean it, or that he's the only person they would go back in time to kill. It's not clear what to pair the only with.
to kill Hitler, but that’s not why -- yes, because the 3rd Reich exists in our short term memory. However, I'm confused by the "that." The verb is "tell," but I don't think the clause beginning with "that's" has anything to do with telling per se. Elevators skipped the 13th floor because of the superstition around the number 13 being bad luck or hauntings.
elevators no longer skip-- because we're forgetting the significance of that number, I'm thinking. Perhaps because the 13th is no longer associated with the Last Supper? Some would know the legend of the Knights Templar, but most just think of the movie and about how cool horror movies are.
the thirteenth floor. Christ
no longer split the horizon
on that day. The blood no longer
falling from His face like rain. -- like the use of rain, how it washes the chalk of history away
Why kill a German artist
with an above average appreciation -- this sentence feels too wordy
of the human form? Memory
is chalk scratched on a dark board, only -- the chalkboard image for collective memory is a good one
to be wiped away—a side effect, -- it's not clear what 'side effect' is modifying. Memory? The wiping? The dark board? I think you mean that revisionist history is a side effect of how collective memory washes away, but I'm guessing.
like the child not drowned -- Did he or didn't he? Depends on where you're getting your information.....is that part of the point? I love the Jason reference, but it complicates things.....significantly. Mostly because his character has gone through so many permutations in the Friday the 13th movies themselves, and then in his conceptualization in popular culture. I think what you mean is that Jason's story and persona, like history becoming myth, morphs and changes. That and when you speak of friday the 13th in our culture, people are more likely to make the association with the movies than with the historical associations presented previously.
in Crystal Lake.
Barry and Claudette lie on a bed
of dry pine needles. -- nice reference both to their sexual relationship and the context for Jason's demise (maybe) and how it evokes images of the Knights Templar burning alive (from the dry pine needles part).
Her back arches like the blade
of an axe. -- nice image that evokes Jason but also violence in general, perhaps the Templar legend again.
I think that this piece has much more to do with revisionist history than time machines, but I do understand that notion of, "if I had a time machine and could only go back and thwart one event, what would it be?", the answer would likely be something more recent that's in society's short term memory.
Anyway, I think the poem is fantastic -- there's a lot of potential meanings here. I think you would do well to clear up the modifier problems in the first bit.
Finally, I think you're missing a big opportunity to write the poem into 13 lines.
Hi Todd - an intriguing poem. Much food for thought.
Introducing the character of Claudette earlier does make it clearer that the poem is about thought association.
I'm still having trouble understanding the 'that' and 'for' in L2 and L3 resp. The 'for' is faintly ugly to my ear as well, for what it's worth.
Three possible interpretations of the 'that', none of which make sense to me, so I am very probably reading it wrong:
Argument: People only tell you they'll go back to kill Hitler, but their telling you is not the reason why elevators etc.
Argument: People only tell you they'll go back to kill Hitler, but killing Hitler is not the reason why elevators etc.
Argument: People only tell you they'll go back to kill Hitler, but Hitler is not the reason why elevators etc.
I'd have thought that the birth of the Antichrist, which is what you're presumably referring to, would be a good reason why elevators no longer skip the thirteenth floor - the old presumably last supper superstition is irrelevant because Christ is irrelevant
Lovely last line.
Nice redraft.
When I read the first line again I got really excited that you might have made every line 13 sylables as well, before realising that obviously, no, you don't hate yourself enough to try to do that to your poem.
So then I did it to your poem instead because I'm a terrible person.
I won't post the result unless you actually want to see it; I know that having someone else piss around with a piece can be unhelpful and awkward.
Donald, I may not have proven I can write, but I think we both can agree that I've proven that I can hate myself. Alternate 13 syllable version is now up.
(02-23-2017, 07:00 AM)Donald Q. Wrote: Woo! Good shit.
EDIT: Some nice additions in here actaully
Mmm,
The collapsing echoes is v good
Thank you Donald. I made a few very slight changes not worthy of calling it a revision. I think the echo line and the last one may sell me on making the syllable version the version.
You've done a great job with your revisions. I like how you cleared up the confusion by putting 'his death' in L2 and by leaving 'side effect' behind.
Revision 2
People only tell you they’ll go back to kill Hitler. But his death isn't why elevators no longer skip the thirteenth floor. For Christ would never split the sky. His brow unpierced forever, blood not falling like rain. -- this isn't a complete sentence so maybe a dash after sky? This time, Claudette lingers like an unanswered question -- love this outside the barn. Why kill a German artist? Each choice, the chalk scratch on a dark board, only to be wiped away -- I've counted it several times, and each time I count 14 syllables. like the child unbloated and undrowned in Crystal Lake. Claudette kisses Barry as if she’s stealing the air each time he breathes. Her hands sticky-slick against his chest. -- I'd put in a comma after breathes, since the sentence that follows is not complete, unless 'slick' is the verb, in which case carry on. She pushes him down on a bed of dry pine needles, as echoes of himself collapse into the first sound they now make. Her back arches like the blade of an axe. -- 'they now make' feels a little unnatural.
. Thanks for sharing.
