The Fires of Betrayal

[JasonM.]

The Fires of Betrayal.

I saw betrayal happen
right before my eyes 
before my eyes saw it 
coming. 

It's deep inside 
where I saw it occur 
while manifesting into 
a physical occurrence,
a day, or days that ensued.

I accepted the ramifications 
but the matured ram's horns
already pierced the target. 

I forgave the wrongdoings 
by memory of my own.
I'm surely not the only 
being to be of fault, 
or perhaps I sought Being
by perceiving the moment as 
lessons I should learn.

Not forgiving.
Unaware of Being.

Purposeful deceptions,
by my own diligent mind
that is separate of who is really to come.
A real me. 

She did not cause the pain I feel.
I implanted it before she ever could,
for my own bearings did not match 
the predicted weight. 

she did in fact, trigger what was planted.
My own trap, a trap to burn.
Burn the seams, burn the cords, burn the foundations. 

Set ablaze to all that was constructed.
Each screw, every rod, every brick. 
Carrying a great weight of consciousness on top.
File cabinets stacked next to each other. Heirlooms I promised to cherish in my eternity 

Books and pictures. Categorized in neat piles. 
Black boxes engraved with the words "caution" 

All ablaze. 
All turned to ash.
All set to die.

My own betrayal. 
My own trap.
My own bridge. 

[SarcasticEmpathy]

Before you read my notes I want to first say I really liked this piece and would love to keep up with it and see the final product. I really felt the emotional struggle of the piece and I hope my notes help!

The Fires of Betrayal.

I saw betrayal happen
right before my eyes 
before my eyes saw it 
coming. I see your use of repetition is attempting to evoke that feeling
where you get so angry or upset you start to mutter or chant phrases
I appreciate where it is coming from but shouldn't be used as a crutch throughout
the whole poem and definitely shouldn't be over stretched


It's deep inside 
where I saw it occur 
while manifesting into 
a physical occurrence,
a day, or days that ensued.
Definitely like the internal metaphysical to physical vibe

I accepted the ramifications 
but the matured ram's horns
already pierced the target.
this stanza makes the rest of your poem an absolute 
it can not go back from this point 
I like that idea but I personally think maybe there is 
a stronger imagery or maybe an even more permanent 
consequence within the metaphor that could be used 
*off topic but props if you've actually seen the ringing bell*

I forgave the wrongdoings 
by memory of my own.
I'm surely not the only 
being to be of fault, 
or perhaps I sought Being
by perceiving the moment as 
lessons I should learn.
 
Not forgiving.
Unaware of Being.
nice use of the double meaning here

Purposeful deceptions,
by my own diligent mind
that is separate of who is really to come.
A real me. 

She did not cause the pain I feel.
I implanted it before she ever could,
for my own bearings did not match 
the predicted weight. 

she did in fact, trigger what was planted.
My own trap, a trap to burn.
Burn the seams, burn the cords, burn the foundations. 

Set ablaze to all that was constructed.
Each screw, every rod, every brick. 
Carrying a great weight of consciousness on top.
File cabinets stacked next to each other. Heirlooms I promised to cherish in my eternity 
I love construction imagery in poems maybe this could be established a bit earlier and then we see it all burn down?

Books and pictures. Categorized in neat piles. 
Black boxes engraved with the words "caution" 

All ablaze. 
All turned to ash.
All set to die.

My own betrayal. 
My own trap.
My own bridge.

Ok so the ending... I didn't feel the aftermath of the burning like I saw where the flames grew and grew inside you
I saw where they hit that pinnacle and the wrath but i missed that final cinder go out and I really wanted that last spark to die off and leave me as a reader almost empty inside that feeling afterwords you almost had it to with cutting down in the last two stanzas and changing it up but I feel like with a poem like this, and trust me I thought this piece is awesome, I just wanted that last moment of surrender. I hope some of this helps by the way I'm new to the critique thing. 

[Myotis]

The Fires of Betrayal.

I saw betrayal happen
right before my eyes 
before my eyes saw it 
coming. Interesting, mostly because betrayal is so harsh because you don't see it coming. Comes from someone trusted you thought would never do something like that. That's what determines betrayal vs wronging someone.

It's deep inside 
where I saw it occur 
while manifesting into 
a physical occurrence,
a day, or days that ensued.
This sounds like a self fulfilled prophecy. Something you set out to prevent but actually bring to fruition. I really like the way you put this, seeing something deep inside ( the mind I'm guessing ) and it manifesting in reality. Just shows we can be our worst enemy.
I accepted the ramifications 
but the matured ram's horns
already pierced the target. 
Seems remorseful. Like the writer would take it all back if he could but whats done is done. 
I forgave the wrongdoings 
by memory of my own.
I'm surely not the only 
being to be of fault, 
or perhaps I sought Being
by perceiving the moment as 
lessons I should learn.
This portion is a little harder to understand. Mostly with the capitalized "Being". Not sure if that's supposed to put emphasis on it or I'm unclear in whats its meaning is. Sounds like the writer forgave but still hold a grudge, which from my experience hinders one from really being able to put something behind them.
Not forgiving.
Unaware of Being.

Purposeful deceptions,
by my own diligent mind
that is separate of who is really to come.
A real me. 

She did not cause the pain I feel.
I implanted it before she ever could,
for my own bearings did not match 
the predicted weight. 
Reminds me of inception after placing thoughts of suicide in his wifes head. Or rather an alternate reality whose gateway was via suicide. 
she did in fact, trigger what was planted.
My own trap, a trap to burn.
Burn the seams, burn the cords, burn the foundations. 
Your own trap? Self sabotaged perhaps? 
Set ablaze to all that was constructed.
Each screw, every rod, every brick. 
Carrying a great weight of consciousness on top.
File cabinets stacked next to each other. Heirlooms I promised to cherish in my eternity 
Unraveling a large "works of art". Not sure about the file cabinets or heirlooms, sometimes it's ambiguous for a reader when the writer gets too specific or hints at things only he/she would find sentimental.
Books and pictures. Categorized in neat piles. 
Black boxes engraved with the words "caution" 
Curious as to what this means, black boxes marked caution. Did you mark them or did they come like that? idk why that would matter but it would seem to explain the caution thing a little more. 
All ablaze. 
All turned to ash.
All set to die.

My own betrayal. 
My own trap.
My own bridge. 

I really admire the ending of this. My own betrayal,trap, bridge. What stands out to me is the bridge portion, its like dying death and rebirth. The bridge is like as one door closes another opens and you are now free to manifest your own destiny. Aside from some parts that i found were too specific for a reader to understand your emotion I really felt this poem. It resonated with me. Thanks for writing. Keep it up

[rowens]

This poem could be read well if you have the right voice and attitude to carry it. It has that thing about it, the spiralling recording, like I was in the ice cream shop and the ice cream shop was outside of me, because I was in it though its walls were external to me. That kind of thing. Though when you get to the lines of inner file cabinets and heirlooms it all starts to come together and work. But do the flat parts work? Sometimes they do, and you can afford balancing boring, saying-nothing-much lines with the better more interesting ones. That's how I see it. It's all up to you.

[JasonM.]

Before you read my notes I want to first say I really liked this piece and would love to keep up with it and see the final product. I really felt the emotional struggle of the piece and I hope my notes help!

The Fires of Betrayal.

I saw betrayal happen
right before my eyes 
before my eyes saw it 
coming. I see your use of repetition is attempting to evoke that feeling
where you get so angry or upset you start to mutter or chant phrases
I appreciate where it is coming from but shouldn't be used as a crutch throughout
the whole poem and definitely shouldn't be over stretched


It's deep inside 
where I saw it occur 
while manifesting into 
a physical occurrence,
a day, or days that ensued.
Definitely like the internal metaphysical to physical vibe

I accepted the ramifications 
but the matured ram's horns
already pierced the target.
this stanza makes the rest of your poem an absolute 
it can not go back from this point 
I like that idea but I personally think maybe there is 
a stronger imagery or maybe an even more permanent 
consequence within the metaphor that could be used 
*off topic but props if you've actually seen the ringing bell*

I forgave the wrongdoings 
by memory of my own.
I'm surely not the only 
being to be of fault, 
or perhaps I sought Being
by perceiving the moment as 
lessons I should learn.
 
Not forgiving.
Unaware of Being.
nice use of the double meaning here

Purposeful deceptions,
by my own diligent mind
that is separate of who is really to come.
A real me. 

She did not cause the pain I feel.
I implanted it before she ever could,
for my own bearings did not match 
the predicted weight. 

she did in fact, trigger what was planted.
My own trap, a trap to burn.
Burn the seams, burn the cords, burn the foundations. 

Set ablaze to all that was constructed.
Each screw, every rod, every brick. 
Carrying a great weight of consciousness on top.
File cabinets stacked next to each other. Heirlooms I promised to cherish in my eternity 
I love construction imagery in poems maybe this could be established a bit earlier and then we see it all burn down?

Books and pictures. Categorized in neat piles. 
Black boxes engraved with the words "caution" 

All ablaze. 
All turned to ash.
All set to die.

My own betrayal. 
My own trap.
My own bridge.

Ok so the ending... I didn't feel the aftermath of the burning like I saw where the flames grew and grew inside you
I saw where they hit that pinnacle and the wrath but i missed that final cinder go out and I really wanted that last spark to die off and leave me as a reader almost empty inside that feeling afterwords you almost had it to with cutting down in the last two stanzas and changing it up but I feel like with a poem like this, and trust me I thought this piece is awesome, I just wanted that last moment of surrender. I hope some of this helps by the way I'm new to the critique thing. 

Thank you so much for you feedback! 

Could you explain what you meant on the 3rd stanza a bit? Why does it make the poem absolute? Also, I agree on your statement on the 9th stanza, that's a good idea!

For the ending, i'll have to think about that. I understand what you're saying and can feel that as well. 

I'm new to this as well. You definitely helped me with this, I can now rethink somethings and really tune this poem up. I enjoyed writing this one.

[Brownlie]

Just trying to give you stuff to help edits. 

The Fires of Betrayal.

I saw betrayal happen -- Do you need the word happen?
right before my eyes  -- Is this line redundant? How else could you see betrayal except with your eyes? The next line gets pretty deep, but could you remove this line and say the same thing? It's whatever you want I guess.
before my eyes saw it 
coming. 

It's deep inside 
where I saw it occur -- Can't figure out what "it" is referring to. Possibly intentional.
while manifesting into 
a physical occurrence, -- If something manifests, is it already showing up as something physical? Do you need the word occurrence?
a day, or days that ensued.
 
I accepted the ramifications 
but the matured ram's horns - pun
already pierced the target.  

I forgave the wrongdoings 
by memory of my own.
I'm surely not the only 
being to be of fault, -- at fault? or of fault?
or perhaps I sought Being
by perceiving the moment as 
lessons I should learn.

Not forgiving.
Unaware of Being.

Purposeful deceptions,
by my own diligent mind
that is separate of who is really to come.
A real me. 

She did not cause the pain I feel.
I implanted it before she ever could,
for my own bearings did not match -- I am biased against using for like this. it's a fanboys but sounds like phrases such as "for to go to"
the predicted weight. 

she did in fact, trigger what was planted.
My own trap, a trap to burn.
Burn the seams, burn the cords, burn the foundations. 

Set ablaze to all that was constructed.
Each screw, every rod, every brick. 
Carrying a great weight of consciousness on top.
File cabinets stacked next to each other. Heirlooms I promised to cherish in my eternity -- I like the file cabinets makes a metaphor for minds 

Books and pictures. Categorized in neat piles. 
Black boxes engraved with the words "caution" 

All ablaze. 
All turned to ash.
All set to die.

My own betrayal. 
My own trap.
My own bridge. 

My biggest gripes might be from lack of thought on my end.  lines seem like they could be reduced, such as stuff like seen before my eyes. The other problem seemed sort of ironic. On one hand, there was a lot of explaining like telling and not showing. On the other hand, there were some things that were unclear. Besides offering a pun, what do the rams horns add? Also, why bring in the philosophical concept of being without simply illustrating some existential belief or something?

I liked the file cabinets burning. That seemed like a cool metaphor. Thanks for posting.

[Winterloc]

Like another reader said, it seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Some of the worst frustration and suffering is not living up to our own principles. I loved the descriptions you used.  
It did seem kind of fragmented/choppy in stanzas 2-5 and 9-10. It was hard for me to follow clearly in those sections.  

The Fires of Betrayal.

I saw betrayal happen
right before my eyes 
before my eyes saw it The repetition of eyes is distracting. It seems your contrasting intuition with literal vision. Maybe use a word (in L4) that eludes to the tangible so there's a greater distinction?? Or in L2, replace eyes with something else; soul, life, face... 
coming. 

It's deep inside 
where I saw it occur 
while manifesting into 
a physical occurrence,
a day, or days that ensued.

I accepted the ramifications 
but the matured ram's horns
already pierced the target. 

I forgave the wrongdoings 
by memory of my own.
I'm surely not the only 
being to be of fault,  
or perhaps I sought Being
by perceiving the moment as 
lessons I should learn.

Not forgiving.
Unaware of Being.

Purposeful deceptions,
by my own diligent mind   Love these two lines
that is separate of who is really to come.
A real me. 

She did not cause the pain I feel.
I implanted it before she ever could, great wording and imagery
for my own bearings did not match 
the predicted weight. 

she did in fact, trigger what was planted.
My own trap, a trap to burn.
Burn the seams, burn the cords, burn the foundations. 

Set ablaze to all that was constructed.
Each screw, every rod, every brick. 
Carrying a great weight of consciousness on top.  Could end the sentence after consciousness, for conciseness.
File cabinets stacked next to each other. Heirlooms I promised to cherish in my eternity These two lines didn't seem to fit so were distracting, maybe add some wording to lead into  L4 so it's a less jarring transition. But I do like the wording, "heirlooms I promised to cherish", to me maybe symbolizing personal principles someone vows within their own heart to keep.

Books and pictures. Categorized in neat piles. 
Black boxes engraved with the words "caution" 

All ablaze. 
All turned to ash.
All set to die.

My own betrayal. 
My own trap.
My own bridge. The conclusion seems artfully done to me. The right amount of simplicity to drive it home, loved that you referred to burning ones own bridge. Being that its not usually used that way it really makes the reader think and brings everything back around somehow.

Thanks for sharing! Looking forward to more of your writing.