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We're falling a little sooner
every day. I see how we've warped,
what too many yesterdays abstracted;
we're stickers losing stick.
Every morning
I press us together
but our edges won't lay flat,
and it takes a little less
commotion, less friction,
for separation,
till now
just a whorl of cold air
from a door opening
makes us fly.
Posts: 580
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The double simile in he last line is the only rough patch in an otherwise perfect piece
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
(01-18-2017, 08:25 AM)Achebe Wrote: The double simile in he last line is the only rough patch in an otherwise perfect piece
Are you talking about 'fly' and then 'down'? Cause flying is usually associated with upward or lateral motion? Sorry, confused.
Posts: 580
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(01-18-2017, 12:29 PM)Malevolent Armadillo Wrote: (01-18-2017, 08:25 AM)Achebe Wrote: The double simile in he last line is the only rough patch in an otherwise perfect piece
Are you talking about 'fly' and then 'down'? Cause flying is usually associated with upward or lateral motion? Sorry, confused.
No, I mean a feather simile for stickers which are themselves a metaphor for a relationship. It's not major, just something that bothered me when I read it. Might not be worth changing it
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
Got it. Thank you. It's irritating me now, too. The whole line started to feel tacked on. So.....I lopped it off.
Abstracted and whorl are also new.
Hope these are improvements.
Thanks again for reading and commenting. Appreciate it.
