Children bike in circles
while we, the parents, flock, the Congregation of St. Coca— cappuccino, latte, mocha. In yoga pants, rain boots, and Seahawks jerseys— a heathen's Sunday best—we are the Church of
“How do your kids like Mrs. So and So's class?”
Weather cycles, property lines, water pressure, recycling schedules— our sermon comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula of a man (slow and hairy) with woolly bear caterpillar eyebrows. He interprets passages of the HOA manual and intercedes on our behalf with its creator, our president, to whom we pay our dues. We think of unwell neighbors. We are the Church of the Cul de Sac, chanting
“May the American Dream be with you— and also with you.”
Children bike in circles while we, the parents, flock. We are the Congregation of St. Coca— cappuccino, latte, mocha. In yoga pants, rain boots, and Seahawks jerseys— a heathen's Sunday best—we are the Church of
“How do your kids like Mrs. So and So's class?”
Weather cycles, property lines, water pressure, recycling schedules— our sermon comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula of a man (slow and hairy) with fuzzy-bear caterpillar eyebrows. He explains passages of the HOA manual and intercedes on our behalf with the HOA president, to whom we pay our dues. We think of unwell neighbors. We are the Church of the Cul de Sac, chanting
“May the American Dream be with you— and also with you.”
Our children ride bikes in circles while we, the parents, flock along the sidewalk like birds on a wire. (I always heard that birds have church too, congregated like strings of black pearls.) We are the Church of St. Coca— cappuccino, latte, mocha. In yoga pants, rain boots, and Seahawks sweatshirts— a heathen's Sunday best – we are the Church of
“How do your kids like Mrs. So and So's class?” Weather cycles, property lines, water pressure, recycling schedules: our education comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula of a man—slow and hairy— with fuzzy-bear caterpillar eyebrows. He explains passages of the HOA manual and intercedes on our behalf with our president, to whom we pay our dues. We think of unwell neighbors. We are the Church of the Cul de Sac, and we chant
“May the American dream be with you— and also with you.”
(01-15-2017, 10:12 AM)Malevolent Armadillo Wrote: Our children ride bikes in circles Slightly rough - "bike" instead of "ride bikes" would preserve the ambiguity of "in circles" while we, the parents, flock along the sidewalk like birds on a wire. wires are straight; the sidewalk on a cul-de-sac is circular. Slight image mismatch (I always heard that birds have church too, congregated like strings of black pearls.) We are the Church of St. Coca— cappuccino, latte, mocha. In yoga pants, Coca/mocha, nice internal rhyme rain boots, and Seahawks sweatshirts— a lot of mashed ss's to pronounce there... "Seahawks jersies?" a heathen's Sunday best – we are the Church of
“How do your kids like Mrs. So and So's class?” Weather cycles, property lines, water pressure, recycling schedules: our education "enlightenment" vice "education?" Just a thought. comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula of a man—slow and hairy— with fuzzy-bear caterpillar eyebrows. He explains passages of the HOA manual and intercedes on our behalf with our president, to whom we pay our dues. "tithes" for "dues" to sustain the church metaphor? We think of unwell neighbors. a nice point: accurately says "think of" rather than "visit the sick" like the Book of Common Prayer We are the Church of the Cul de Sac, and we chantsince you have the comma, "chanting" vice "and we chant?"
“May the American dream be with you— capitalize "Dream" - it's a thing and also with you.”
Frankly, I like this so much it's hard to critique properly - speaks to me, as it were, reading the agonies of the homes on "Nextdoor" (a community bulletin board) and such. But in a spirit of mild critique, to work (see above).
A wonderful, edgy job of staying on the narrow border between amused respect and flyover contempt (staying well away from the latter pole, a mercy these days). The small suggestions above notwithstanding, communicates a Spirit of Place even (or especially?) when the Place is almost perfectly generic. Well done!
i like the originality of this, the content creates a great image by use of extended metaphor [though in an odd place it could be edited to bring it back to said metaphor.] not sure the last two lines add enough to keep, a twist would be something not expected;
We are the Church of the Cul de Sac, and we chant
"don't let that dog shit on my lawn" just an example
(01-15-2017, 10:12 AM)Malevolent Armadillo Wrote: Our children ride bikes in circles [our] could very easily have been omitted. as the 2nd line makes it redundant.
while we, the parents, flock
along the sidewalk like birds on a wire.
(I always heard that birds have church too, if you always heard, you'd hear nothing else, [i heard]
congregated like strings of black pearls.)
We are the Church of St. Coca—
cappuccino, latte, mocha. In yoga pants, great images
rain boots, and Seahawks sweatshirts—
a heathen's Sunday best – we are the Church of
“How do your kids like Mrs. So and So's class?” i'd suggest a line space above and below so the quote pops.
Weather cycles, property lines,
water pressure, recycling schedules: our education
comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula
of a man—slow and hairy— solid image.
with fuzzy-bear caterpillar eyebrows.
He explains passages of the HOA manual
and intercedes on our behalf
with our president, to whom we pay our dues.
We think of unwell neighbors.
We are the Church of the Cul de Sac, and we chant
“May the American dream be with you—
and also with you.”
(01-15-2017, 10:12 AM)Malevolent Armadillo Wrote: Our children ride bikes in circles while we, the parents, flock along the sidewalk like birds on a wire. .... I get thr impression of soccer moms flanking the sidewalk - very good
(I always heard that birds have church too, congregated like strings of black pearls.) We are the Church of St. Coca— cappuccino, latte, mocha. In yoga pants, .... as someone else noted, nice slant rhymes. And very apt. rain boots, and Seahawks sweatshirts— a heathen's Sunday best – we are the Church of
“How do your kids like Mrs. So and So's class?” Weather cycles, property lines, water pressure, recycling schedules: our education comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula ....nice change and nice word choice of a man—slow and hairy— with fuzzy-bear caterpillar eyebrows. .....beautiful He explains passages of the HOA manual and intercedes on our behalf with our president, to whom we pay our dues. .....the only line in the poem that left me puzzled We think of unwell neighbors. We are the Church of the Cul de Sac, and we chant ....do you need the two 'we's?
“May the American dream be with you— and also with you.”
(01-15-2017, 10:12 AM)Malevolent Armadillo Wrote: Our children ride bikes in circles while we, the parents, flock along the sidewalk like birds on a wire. (I always heard that birds have church too, this is the only place you say 'I' instead of 'we', making me think it's an interjection from the narrator, which takes away from the sarcastic flow of the rest. How about a statement of fact. congregated like strings of black pearls.) We are the Church of St. Coca— cappuccino, latte, mocha. In yoga pants, rain boots, and Seahawks sweatshirts— a heathen's Sunday best – we are the Church of I also think if this is 'we' speaking of the church, they wouldn't be the type to address themselves as 'heathen'
“How do your kids like Mrs. So and So's class?” Weather cycles, property lines, water pressure, recycling schedules: our education comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula Gary here reminds me too much of Indiana, reputation wise a horrible place not really for these suburnaban uppity types of a man—slow and hairy— with fuzzy-bear caterpillar eyebrows. He explains passages of the HOA manual thank you for including the HOA evil bastards and intercedes on our behalf with our president, to whom we pay our dues. We think of unwell neighbors. I love this line, very thrown in as a side thought, 'we think of them' very unattached. And unwell can mean almost anything We are the Church of the Cul de Sac, and we chant
“May the American dream be with you— and also with you.”
I like the idea, it is relatively fresh. There are some phrases that start well then become over-burdensome, such as the first phrase.
Our children ride bikes in circles
while we, the parents, flock. (period, everything that follows is superfluous and brings down the energy of the poem)
along the sidewalk like birds on a wire.
(I always heard that birds have church too,
congregated like strings of black pearls.)
In this phrase the term "church" is used twice for two different things.
We are the Church of St. Coca—
cappuccino, latte, mocha. In yoga pants,
rain boots, and Seahawks sweatshirts—
a heathen's Sunday best – we are the Church of
Maybe instead of Church of St. Coca, use congregation, or vice versa.
This line caused a problem for the reader
"comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula"
it is disruptive in that it sets an image that one must change when one realizes that "Gary" is in fact a "man". This sort of disruption whether recognized at the cognizant level or not, still slows the poem and drains energy from it. It is just this sort of minutiae that separates (once there is of course a decent idea) the unpublished from the published. Some might say "Oh, that is so cute where I Gary was "a friendly tarantula", but that is not the point of the poem.
As this is in mild I should stop now.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The poem’s lovely. I don’t feel like it needs much changing, but I’ll go ahead and violate it anyway.
Our children ride bikes in circles Yeah, simplification would be nice, plus it makes for a sharper sound. “Our children biKe in cirCles”
while we, the parents, flock “floCK”
along the sidewalk like birds on a wire.
(I always heard that birds have church too,
congregated like strings of black pearls.) I sort of agree that these three lines diminish, but the presentation of the sister image of a parliament of rooks here is gold.
We are the Church of St. Coca—
cappuccino, latte, mocha. In yoga pants,
rain boots, and Seahawks sweatshirts—
a heathen's Sunday best – we are the Church of I didn’t mind the reuse of Church, but on second thought, yeah, it’s a bit of a turnaround. I would also prefer if of was pushed to the next line, as everything else seems clean enough.
“How do your kids like Mrs. So and So's class?”
Weather cycles, property lines,
water pressure, recycling schedules: our education
comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula Yeah, the turn here doesn’t work for me, either. It’s not the image, but the way it’s phrased – it sets up surreal expectations that doesn’t fit in with the rest of the piece. Perhaps break up the following line, then distribute: “comes from Gary, a tarantula of a man / with fuzzy-bear caterpillar eyebrows.”
of a man—slow and hairy—
with fuzzy-bear caterpillar eyebrows.
He explains passages of the HOA manual
and intercedes on our behalf
with our president, to whom we pay our dues. I like the double meaning, at least in my political mind, of “president” here. But with “intercedes”, I somehow think more ecclesiastical terms are needed here, as in the line on HOAs: “HOA bible”, “our tithes” perhaps.
We think of unwell neighbors. And I feel that this line deadens the rest of the ending, as per the earlier interjection. Remove, perhaps.
We are the Church of the Cul de Sac, and we chant
“May the American dream be with you— Yeah, capital Dream.
and also with you.”
(01-15-2017, 10:12 AM)Malevolent Armadillo Wrote: Our children ride bikes in circles while we, the parents, flock along the sidewalk like birds on a wire. (I always heard that birds have church too, congregated like strings of black pearls.) We are the Church of St. Coca— cappuccino, latte, mocha. In yoga pants, rain boots, and Seahawks sweatshirts— a heathen's Sunday best – we are the Church of
“How do your kids like Mrs. So and So's class?” Weather cycles, property lines, water pressure, recycling schedules: our education comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula of a man—slow and hairy— with fuzzy-bear caterpillar eyebrows. He explains passages of the HOA manual and intercedes on our behalf with our president, to whom we pay our dues. We think of unwell neighbors. We are the Church of the Cul de Sac, and we chant
“May the American dream be with you— and also with you.”
Well done. It draws me in, keeps me entertained with the pace and beat. It also explains a process not familiar to me, which I love because I like to learn while being entertained. It is a little hard to read because it is all one paragraph. I'd play with paragraphs and see if you can cut it off at the proper pauses to make it an easy read. I respect the work though, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
River: 'I'll violate it anyway'
Of course you will! Because you can't resist a churchy poem. ><
I agree with many of your points, and I think that I might cut out the bird bit and make it into a tiny little haiku or something since you like it.
Carrie: thanks for fluttering by. I think you're right about breaking it up somehow -- probably do some spacing ala billy's crit above. Thanks for critting and welcome to the pen!
(01-15-2017, 10:12 AM)Lizzie Wrote: Our children ride bikes in circles Maybe "Our children, biking in circles" ? Or "Our children bike in circles" ? I feel as though shortening the first line would make it flow better. while we, the parents, flock along the sidewalk likeas birds do on a wire. Love the comparison. Only changed the like, because you use another simile in the next line. It makes it too redundant to read the word "like" so close to each other. (I always heard that birds have church too, congregated like strings of black pearls.) Absolutely love this. Love, love, love. "Strings of black pearls" is such a beautiful line, especially. We are the Church of St. Coca— cappuccinos, lattes, and mochas; yoga pants, rain boots, and Seahawks sweatshirts— Maybe use the term "jerseys" instead? a heathen's Sunday best . I really enjoy this line. We are the Church of “How do your kids like Mrs. So and So's class?”— I would change to an em dash to keep the structure you made before with them. weather cycles, property lines, water pressure, recycling schedules: our education I am not sure what you are doing with the colon. comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula I love the this. of a man—slow and hairy— with fuzzy-bear caterpillar eyebrows. Fuzzy-bear is awkward. It's already mentioned he is hairy, as well; so it is a little repetitive. He explains passages of the HOA manual Why not try to use a more religious reference? Such as when a priest "preaches" instead of "explains" a homily and intercedes on our behalf with our president, to whom we pay our dues. We think of unwell neighbors. We are the Church of the Cul de Sac, and we chant
“May the American dream be with you— and also with you.” This is fantastic. Absolute gold. I adore it!
I enjoyed your poem, especially as a person who used to go to church but no longer. I would leave in the, "like birds on a wire.
(I always heard that birds have church too,
congregated like strings of black pearls.)" because it reinforces the church imagery, which otherwise would be too weak.
I would suggest "congregate" rather than "flock".
I would also put "preaches" rather than "explains" as another suggested.
How about "a holy heathen Sunday's best" to bring out more of the humor in this statement showing that though they don't go to a usual physical church, they still care about each other as religious people would pride themselves in doing.
The poem is were you want it to be now so not too much to offer but just to say how much I enjoyed the content and setting, it's always nice to read something fresh and go yea I've done that. Cleaver extended meta that works really well with the chosen topic. Very much enjoyed and the revisions are spot on so just some slight tinkering or not. best Keith
(01-15-2017, 10:12 AM)Lizzie Wrote: Children bike in circles while we, the parents, flock. We are the Congregation of St. Coca— do you need we are ? cappuccino, latte, mocha. In yoga pants, great line made me laugh rain boots, and Seahawks jerseys— a heathen's Sunday best—we are the Church of
“How do your kids like Mrs. So and So's class?”
Weather cycles, property lines, water pressure, recycling schedules— our sermon comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula of a man (slow and hairy) with fuzzy-bear caterpillar eyebrows. like how you build on our bland image of Gary not sure you need fuzzy- bear. He explains passages of the HOA manual HOA doesn't cross the pond, Home Owners Assosiation ? and intercedes on our behalf with the HOA president, do you need HOA again? Could be with letters to the..your poem to whom we pay our dues. We think of unwell neighbors. We are the Church of the Cul de Sac, chanting
“May the American Dream be with you— and also with you.” I like the ending, that congregational voice as one feeding up through Gary into the vien of the cul de sac god.
Our children ride bikes in circles while we, the parents, flock along the sidewalk like birds on a wire. (I always heard that birds have church too, congregated like strings of black pearls.) We are the Church of St. Coca— cappuccino, latte, mocha. In yoga pants, rain boots, and Seahawks sweatshirts— a heathen's Sunday best – we are the Church of
“How do your kids like Mrs. So and So's class?” Weather cycles, property lines, water pressure, recycling schedules: our education comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula of a man—slow and hairy— with fuzzy-bear caterpillar eyebrows. He explains passages of the HOA manual and intercedes on our behalf with our president, to whom we pay our dues. We think of unwell neighbors. We are the Church of the Cul de Sac, and we chant
“May the American dream be with you— and also with you.”
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
I omitted the first 'we are', and it reads more smoothly, I think.
And I took out the second HOA (yes, it is Home Owner's Association), and tried to find a different way of wording it. I originally had it read, 'intercedes with our president,' but that lead people to think that he was corresponding with the POTUS which was not the intent. So, I hope that it works this time.
Thank you for the read, the encouragement, and the help marking trouble spots.
I omitted the first 'we are', and it reads more smoothly, I think.
And I took out the second HOA (yes, it is Home Owner's Association), and tried to find a different way of wording it. I originally had it read, 'intercedes with our president,' but that lead people to think that he was corresponding with the POTUS which was not the intent. So, I hope that it works this time.
Thank you for the read, the encouragement, and the help marking trouble spots.
Cheers,
Lizzie
Hi Lizzie
The edit works really well and it now reads smoother to me, very much enjoyed your poem and I know it's one I'll keep coming back to. Great job. Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
(01-15-2017, 10:12 AM)Lizzie Wrote: Children bike in circles
while we, the parents, flock, the Congregation of St. Coca— cappuccino, latte, mocha. In yoga pants, Congregation/cappuccino.. I like it rain boots, and Seahawks jerseys— a heathen's Sunday best—we are the Church of
“How do your kids like Mrs. So and So's class?” not sure this justifies it's own space like this.
Weather cycles, property lines, water pressure, recycling schedules— I like this list our sermon comes from Gary, a friendly tarantula of a man (slow and hairy) with woolly bear caterpillar eyebrows. These 4 lines about gary feel a tad too laboured. Not sure what I'd suggest but I think the joke is too diffuse. It's like'he's gary/ tarantula man / because slow and hairy/ he has hairy caterpillar eyebrows' Just not sure about this progression. He interprets passages of the HOA manual and intercedes on our behalf with its creator, our president, This line feels like it is missing an adjective somewhere to keep that light flow. to whom we pay our dues. We think of unwell neighbors. We are the Church of the Cul de Sac, chanting chanting is good
“May the American Dream be with you— and also with you.” Haha, I like the slightly sinister italics.
Nice poem; I like the fact that you are clearly having fun with it, and there's some nice snappy construction in places that skips gracefully over the references and jokes, like the first stanza. Personally I think the second half needs a bit of streamlining, but I enjoyed the ending and the overall tone.
Keith: thanks so much for coming back to it! Glad it's smoothing out for you.
deeQ: Thank you, thank you. Yes, I suppose the gary, hairy, woolley beary is probably a little strange. And I think you're right about that line needing a little something else. The president line.
<
>
