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Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
Hooked past large jowls of cartoon flesh.
There lies the halter round his neck.
Cardboard and twine-strung in the rain.
Thank holy Jesus he’s got no brain.
Har, Har, Har! We love him so. Har, Har, Har! Why, we don’t know.
Yule-stuffed and limply, thump, thump, thump.
Swingin’ on the shingles, he’s so plump!
Bacchic and frenzied with sweet noel.
We rain down merry in bright pell-mell.
On come the elves now, the plastic men.
String up their bodies, the gaggle of them.
Har, Har, Har! We love them so. Har, Har, Har! Why, we don’t know.
Small green and pointy, thump, thump, thump.
Up ‘til the new year, then it’s the dump!
Thread up the lights now, the glitzy flames.
Carol to heaven for yule-time fame.
Froth to the heaven with heathen faith.
Pray to the fairies, make them ornate.
Har, Har, Har! We love them so. Har, Har, Har! Why, we don’t know.
Unseen and human, thump, thump, thump.
Something compels us with gleeful umph!
[quote='Brownlie' pid='222343' dateline='1483201542']
Hooked past large jowls of cartoon flesh.
There lies the halter round his neck.
Cardboard and twine-strung in the rain.
Thank holy Jesus he’s got no brain.
Har, Har, Har! We love him so. Har, Har, Har! Why, we don’t know.
Yule-stuffed and limply, thump, thump, thump.
Swingin’ on the shingles, he’s so plump!
Bacchic and frenzied with sweet noel.
We rain down merry in bright pell-mell.
On come the elves now, the plastic men.
String up their bodies, the gaggle of them.
Har, Har, Har! We love them so. Har, Har, Har! Why, we don’t know.
Small green and pointy, thump, thump, thump.
Up ‘til the new year, then it’s the dump!
Thread up the lights now, the glitzy flames.
Carol to heaven for yule-time fame.
Froth to the heaven with heathen faith.
Pray to the fairies, make them ornate.
Har, Har, Har! We love them so. Har, Har, Har! Why, we don’t know.
Unseen and human, thump, thump, thump.
Something compels us with gleeful umph
I read the poem the repeats 'Har, har..." left me totally confused, are they meant to be sounds or words as they do not sound English.The imagery is also so mixed up, sounds like a carol, then beautiful surroundings filled with snow and then I have no idea especially with the last stanza. The second last stanza is beautifully written though.
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
(01-01-2017, 01:25 AM)Brownlie Wrote: Hooked past large jowls of cartoon flesh. -- I think you should put a comma at the end of this line and the same goes for L3, L6, L8, L10, L13, L15, L17, L20
There lies the halter round his neck. -- the macabre in the festive -- love it
Cardboard and twine-strung in the rain.
Thank holy Jesus he’s got no brain.
Har, Har, Har! We love him so. Har, Har, Har! Why, we don't know. -- I'd do, "Why? We don't know. Same goes for the repeated lines below.
Yule-stuffed and limply, thump, thump, thump. -- The grammar doesn't work unless limply is modifying swingin', but breaking up the pair is awkward phrasing.
Swingin’ on the shingles, he’s so plump!
Bacchic and frenzied with sweet noel. -- bracchic is a great word
We rain down merry in bright pell-mell.
On come the elves now, the plastic men.
String up their bodies, the gaggle of them.
Har, Har, Har! We love them so. Har, Har, Har! Why, we don’t know.
Small green and pointy, thump, thump, thump.
Up ‘til the new year, then it’s the dump!
Thread up the lights now, the glitzy flames.
Carol to heaven for yule-time fame.
Froth to the heaven with heathen faith. -- heavens? I never hear it referred to as 'the heaven'. Also you have heaven repeated in this line and the line above -- I don't mind it terribly, just a little.
Pray to the fairies, make them ornate. -- 'make them' is weak
Har, Har, Har! We love them so. Har, Har, Har! Why, we don’t know.
Unseen and human, thump, thump, thump. -- 'unseen and human' is strange since most humans aren't invisible
Something compels us with gleeful umph! -- don't like 'something' -- I understand you're trying to talk about the intangible, I'd just choose a more interesting word.
I like the question: why do we do all of this and why are we drawn to these things that have come to be seen as festive?
Also, I think you've done well with the rhymes in that they're lilting but not too predictable or annoying.
Hope this helps some.
Cheers. 
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