I.C.U.

[Rogo]

ICU      [Revised]

nobody remains 
in one room 
even day
time stole dramatically thru glass as 
cockcrows compose then
decompose in
the distances drawn 
by a siren & cimmerian art
where all rooms are 
waiting 
rooms my eyes
adjusting to the numbers 
of a coloring book


ICU

nobody remains
in one room
even day
time stole loudly thru glass as
mornings compose then
decompose in
distances Cimmerian blue
where all rooms are
waiting
rooms my eyes
adjusting to
numbers within this
coloring book


*** Note: I apologize if the current iteration conflicts with the initial one. This was the intended version.

[CRNDLSM]

ICU dots in the title or no?

nobody remains good first line, intensive care, no body, nobody, body remains, lots of play here
in one room like prison it's all hustle room to room all the time
even day not an odd day
time stole loudly thru glass as time and glass always go together but the enjambs through here seem slightly off
mornings compose then 
decompose in
distances Cimmerian blue cimmerian is barbarian? Not like indigo did they have their own blue? This blue reminds me of prisons again, the walls and floors all the same tone to calm the prisoners.
where all rooms are
waiting I like this enjamb, waiting rooms waiting 
rooms my eyes
adjusting to
numbers within this
coloring bookhere at the end you seem to rush, like passing out from ICU care the room blurs into colors.  But a coloring book is mostly outlines until filled in.  I think I I can really appreciate coloring book but as is I don't fully understand its purpose.  Sonically sounds clunky in comparison to the rest.


*** Note: I apologize if the current iteration conflicts with the initial one. This was the intended version.  I think I like it, there is consistency in the confusion 

[Rogo]

Hey CRNDLSM, 

The title's dots were an impulse, stemming from an older title "I C U" —the spaces mirrored the previous iteration's double-spaced format. It was intended to be a play on the words "I see you." 

Yeah, line 4's enjambment on "as" is meant to sonically dissolve the word "glass". It's an experiment I wanted to try. I attempted to pattern this a few lines following it (i.e. using prepositional and transitional words), though their purpose varies slightly.

"Cimmerian" alludes to the land near Hades that's covered in darkness (it's difficult to see color in the dark). I'm not satisfied with a Greek allusion, though —it seems out of place. I was thinking about using words like "sirens" and "wakes" to strengthen it more. I considered using "Stygian" but I felt that would be too obvious and archaic.

I agree. The last four lines are the weakest. "ICU" has been a work-in-progress over the past few months, and the ending has changed dramatically during its composition.


As always, thank you for your concise and thoughtful feedback. You've shown me the areas that need the most work as well as interesting interpretations.