snow covers my walk to school
like a nun covers cleavage. winter
is nothing new, she’s been stuck
in my head for months,
(fuck mariah carey)
the world is a numb white,
and so are my hands -
just as we forget what green
looks like, the feeling in our
skin falls frozen off the bone.
december is a cold-hearted
bitch, dolled up in ornaments,
wrapping paper, adolescent
laughter, empty wallets.
jesus celebrates his
two-thousandth odd
birthday, and it’s clear
that under all of december’s
ugly-girl make up is just
pine needles. fucking everywhere.
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(01-14-2017, 01:37 AM)jrgxng Wrote: snow covers my walk to school
like a nun covers cleavage. winter.....the white habit. Yes, but it screams too desperately as an attempt to shock
is nothing new, she’s been stuck....sudden use of enjambment. Nice
in my head for months,
(fuck mariah carey)...An anticlimax. I want my money back
the world is a numb white,
and so are my hands -
just as we forget what green
looks like, the feeling in our
skin falls frozen off the bone. .....this doesn't take the thought forward from S1 - this is just rambling with line breaks
december is a cold-hearted
bitch, dolled up in ornaments,
wrapping paper, adolescent
laughter, empty wallets. ....nice, but I would prefer a simile "is like" over a metaphor in L1.
jesus celebrates his
two-thousandth odd
birthday, and it’s clear
that under all of december’s
ugly-girl make up is just
pine needles. fucking everywhere. ....fails to take the thought forward from S2. L2 here is particularly prosaic
Thanks for posting
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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Joined: Jan 2016
(01-14-2017, 01:37 AM)jrgxng Wrote: snow covers my walk to school
like a nun covers cleavage. winter
is nothing new, she’s been stuck
in my head for months,
(fuck mariah carey)
the world is a numb white,
and so are my hands -
just as we forget what green
looks like, the feeling in our
skin falls frozen off the bone.
december is a cold-hearted
bitch, dolled up in ornaments,
wrapping paper, adolescent
laughter, empty wallets.
jesus celebrates his
two-thousandth odd
birthday, and it’s clear
that under all of december’s
ugly-girl make up is just
pine needles. fucking everywhere.
To be honest, this was a lot more enjoyable than I expected. Definitely something to work with here, so I would strongly advise that you take editing this piece seriously. I don't think I'll be able to do this line by line, but I'll give some tips where I can. S1 failed to make an impact; the parenthetical was particularly ineffective. S2 is empty. Achebe's comment here holds true, though I get a notable shivering feeling at the end of S2. The words themselves say very little, however. As for your opening metaphor is S3, unlike Achebe, I prefer it over a simile, but that's all I can say about it. S4 needs some rephrasing I believe, and perhaps reexamine those line breaks. They feel a little silly to me. I don't see why you would choose to put those breaks where they are.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
Very interesting. You definitely play with vulgarity. It seems hateful at times.
I don't think
'winter
is nothing new, she’s been stuck
in my head for months'
I hate winter too. Thanks for posting.
makes sense, even with the mariah carey mention. It doesn't go with the rest of the poem.
'december’s
ugly-girl make up'
it another part that doesn't make much sense.
(01-17-2017, 08:44 AM)voodoochild Wrote: Very interesting. You definitely play with vulgarity. It seems hateful at times.
I don't think
'winter
is nothing new, she’s been stuck
in my head for months'
I hate winter too. Thanks for posting.
makes sense, even with the mariah carey mention. It doesn't go with the rest of the poem.
'december’s
ugly-girl make up'
it another part that doesn't make much sense.
the purpose of the first stanza is to introduce the topic of the poem, and set the tone for the stanzas to come. generally, i'm trying to express a boredom of winter (winter is nothing new, she's been stuck in my head for months) and then connect that to a discomfort with christmas (hence the fuck mariah carey - the idea is that mariah carey has been stuck in my head for months, not literally winter.) december's ugly-girl make up is a reference to stanza three, in which i describe december as a cold hearted bitch, dolled up in various elements of christmas (the make-up.) 'ugly girl' make up is meant to provide imagery of a woman who wears too much make-up, and looks a little bit off because of it - this is a metaphor for december and the excessive glorification of christmas. i'm sure i could edit the poem a bit and those ideas would come off a bit more obviously, though!
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(01-14-2017, 01:37 AM)jrgxng Wrote: snow covers my walk to school
like a nun covers cleavage. winter
is nothing new, she’s been stuck
in my head for months,
(fuck mariah carey)
the world is a numb white,
and so are my hands -
just as we forget what green
looks like, the feeling in our
skin falls frozen off the bone.
december is a cold-hearted
bitch, dolled up in ornaments,
wrapping paper, adolescent
laughter, empty wallets.
jesus celebrates his
two-thousandth odd
birthday, and it’s clear
that under all of december’s
ugly-girl make up is just
pine needles. fucking everywhere.
Honestly I found this poem funny. Sold at Mariah Carey haha. f that b jk  . I like the symbolism of christmas time being a facade of happiness when its actually a sad time for those less fortunate. And I'm curious if the reference to pine needles adheres to girls not shaving their legs as often during the winter hahaha.
Posts: 20
Threads: 3
Joined: Jan 2017
(01-14-2017, 01:37 AM)jrgxng Wrote: snow covers my walk to school
like a nun covers cleavage. winter With what intention does a nun cover cleavage? Does snow really have the same intent?
is nothing new, she’s been stuck Not sure what 'she' is referencing at this point -- winter, the nun, a girl, mariah carey?
in my head for months,
(fuck mariah carey)
the world is a numb white, I like that you bring in numbness, but maybe use something other than white. We know the world is cold and white because you already said it was covered in snow.
and so are my hands -
just as we forget what green
looks like, the feeling in our
skin falls frozen off the bone. I really like how you evoke the feeling of winter being so long that you've forgotten the color green. Does skin really fall from bone? Does something freezing cause it to fall?
december is a cold-hearted
bitch, dolled up in ornaments,
wrapping paper, adolescent
laughter, empty wallets. Nice description. Maybe I should stop hanging out with December.
jesus celebrates his
two-thousandth odd
birthday, and it’s clear
that under all of december’s
ugly-girl make up is just I feel like you could maybe highlight the disparity between Jesus' birthday and the modern take on December a bit more, but the idea here is great.
pine needles. fucking everywhere.
Overall I dig it. You should definitely workshop it a bit! It's got a good voice and effectively communicates your thoughts on the season.
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Threads: 2
Joined: Feb 2017
I really enjoyed reading through this poem. The humor is definitely something that attracted me to it. There was a few points to touch up, as I believe someone said before, there is no need to restate the same thing you already implied in a prior line. I think this poem has a lot of potential, and I definitely enjoyed the read, and the laugh. I understand why some may be confused with the "she" in the 3rd line of the 1st stanza, however I understood it immediately. Haha. It may need a little rework, so others may not have to ask that question, however, I enjoyed this thoroughly, and I hope you continue to write and work on this piece!
~I hope to see my Pilot face to face
When I have crost the bar.~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson
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(01-14-2017, 01:37 AM)jrgxng Wrote: snow covers my walk to school
like a nun covers cleavage. winter The first time around reading this line I had to go back and reread it to make sure I read it properly... It seemed out of place then, but the more I read it, the more it fits. It's a bit blunt and that fits well.
is nothing new, she’s been stuck
in my head for months,
(fuck mariah carey)
the world is a numb white,
and so are my hands -
just as we forget what green
looks like, the feeling in our
skin falls frozen off the bone.
december is a cold-hearted
bitch, dolled up in ornaments,
wrapping paper, adolescent
laughter, empty wallets. the empty wallets is strange here, because i still think you're saying december is "dolled up in empty wallets"
jesus celebrates his
two-thousandth odd
birthday, and it’s clear
that under all of december’s
ugly-girl make up is just "ugly girl make up" Love this
pine needles. fucking everywhere.
I really liked this! There is an apathetic and hateful/crude tone to it that really comes through. I like the lack of capitalization on the proper nouns... Adds to the overall vibe of "fuck this shit". Interesting take on the whiteness of snow and winter... I personally love it when it's all white from a fresh snowfall; the world is quieter and more peaceful to me, so it's interesting to be opened up to that other perspective.
Thanks for sharing!
I enjoy the raw edge. The concept as well. Something about writing in this fashion about the winter is really appealing to me. I think leave it for a sec, come back and then the right refinements will follow.
I think you can work on making everything a bit more coherent overall, revise every little corner and metaphor and you'll make huge steps. The writing style is a big plus, and definitely keep the pine needles line, that cracked me up for some reason.
I ejoyed this.
I like the lack of capitalisation, it lends a nice sense of disrespect/crudeness, which combines well with the occasional vulgarity. I am, however, slightly uncomfortable with the phrase, "ugly girl make up". I comes across as judgemental in a way which is distinct from the criticism of winter and Christmas consumerism. It lends a sense of aggression to the speaker's voice which I don't think is fully realised in the rest of the poem - even the "(fuck mariah carey)" line, which comes across as more irreverent than aggressive.
Overall, I think that there is definitely a lot here that I like.
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I don't have much to add, other than I enjoyed the vulgarness and stream of consciousness style. One of the purposes of poetry is to transport you into the mind of another, and view their world through the written word. In this way, you succeeded at the climax, because while I can see the frustration and banality present through the writings, it isn't until you say "pine needles, fucking everywhere" that I am truly empathetic towards the speaker.
kudos, well done. Keep transportation in mind when writing more poetry!
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(01-14-2017, 01:37 AM)jrgxng Wrote: snow covers my walk to school
like a nun covers cleavage. winter
is nothing new, she’s been stuck
in my head for months,
(fuck mariah carey)
the world is a numb white,
and so are my hands -
just as we forget what green
looks like, the feeling in our
skin falls frozen off the bone.
december is a cold-hearted
bitch, dolled up in ornaments,
wrapping paper, adolescent
laughter, empty wallets.
jesus celebrates his
two-thousandth odd
birthday, and it’s clear
that under all of december’s
ugly-girl make up is just
pine needles. fucking everywhere.
There's savage play at work here, impression of written quickly, to draw out force of thought. S1 delivers the 'full monty', does what it says on the tin, needs no re-write. But you got critique for S2, harsh and misses the point I think. I got the picture of invading collaboration between the season and plain senses. so you moved from thought to flesh, from in to out, moved the story on, and I'm following. For me, S3 had the least impact, it's more of a list of quickly forgotten irritable than an evolution of the force you developed in S1 & 4, I'd have flipped this around, since you started with nuns & celebrity, (Maria Carey), move Jesus to the end line, tighten up the December illustration - 'composting Xmas everywhere' - but I hear the start in the finish, I see the point and hear the voice of 'Death to the Holidays!'
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