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Midnight Dance
She calls me over
at the stroke of midnight–
beckons me
to play some tunes
that we can dance to–
waltz together
in the night air.
She levitates
in aspiration
folding her arms
around my neck–
knotted with lust.
With a slight kick
and her tight grip
we sway
back and forth
in a multitude of motions–
freeing my saturnine mind
going to black
as my eyes stare
blankly at the wall.
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(01-08-2017, 06:13 AM)Beardowulf Wrote: Midnight Dance
She calls me over
at the stroke of midnight– ...."stroke of midnight" is a cliche. I don't think you lose anything by changing it to "midnight"
beckons me .... the second "me" in three lines.
to play some tunes....perhaps better to drop the "some"
that we can dance to–
waltz together....repetitive given the above line
in the night air.
She levitates
in aspiration .... confusing. Do you mean "aspirsation" as in breathing? I can't understand why or why not. Unless she's aspiring to be taken in mid air which is a bit too much information
folding her arms
around my neck–
knotted with lust.
With a slight kick
and her tight grip
we sway
back and forth
in a multitude of motions– ....from "folding" to "forth" is a nice descriptive passage of a sexy dance but the alliteration here sounds forced
freeing my saturnine mind ....too much tell. It's ok as a diary entry but unless you tell me why your mind is saturnine it comes across as Justin Beiber angst
going to black ....a missing "from"?
as my eyes stare
blankly at the wall.....the ending just hangs in there, as if you didn't know where to go after the lady had knotted you in her lust. Not satisfactory.
Thanks for posting
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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(01-08-2017, 04:44 PM)Achebe Wrote: (01-08-2017, 06:13 AM)Beardowulf Wrote: Midnight Dance
She calls me over
at the stroke of midnight– ...."stroke of midnight" is a cliche. I don't think you lose anything by changing it to "midnight"
beckons me .... the second "me" in three lines.
to play some tunes....perhaps better to drop the "some"
that we can dance to–
waltz together....repetitive given the above line
in the night air.
She levitates
in aspiration .... confusing. Do you mean "aspirsation" as in breathing? I can't understand why or why not. Unless she's aspiring to be taken in mid air which is a bit too much information
folding her arms
around my neck–
knotted with lust.
With a slight kick
and her tight grip
we sway
back and forth
in a multitude of motions– ....from "folding" to "forth" is a nice descriptive passage of a sexy dance but the alliteration here sounds forced
freeing my saturnine mind ....too much tell. It's ok as a diary entry but unless you tell me why your mind is saturnine it comes across as Justin Beiber angst
going to black ....a missing "from"?
as my eyes stare
blankly at the wall.....the ending just hangs in there, as if you didn't know where to go after the lady had knotted you in her lust. Not satisfactory.
Thanks for posting
Thanks for the feedback! My intention was to convey a type of dance between two lovers, while layering a conceit about committing suicide by hanging.
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Midnight Dance
She calls me over
at the stroke of midnight–
beckons me
to play some tunes
that we can dance to–
waltz together
in the night air.
She levitates
in aspiration
folding her arms
around my neck–
knotted with lust.
With a slight kick
and her tight grip
we sway
back and forth
in a multitude of motions–
freeing my saturnine mind
going to black
as my eyes stare
blankly at the wall.
The poem's shape is intended to represent the sway of a waltz (and the mind trailing off), yet its rhythm falls flat — some parts do work though! "With a slight kick / and her tight grip / we sway" is one example. The repeated anapests in the first two lines do a lot to increase the rhythmic tension, which is then released in the third line's iamb. It's very satisfying, while the rhymed "slight"/"tight" and assonance of "kick"/"grip" further strengthen the music of the passage.
Unfortunately, "back and forth" weakens this moment with its redundancy. I noticed this happening in other areas as well. For example, "in the night air" is unnecessary since "stroke of midnight" already informs the reader of the time. The lines "we can dance to-/waltz together" are no different.
I would recommend combing through and cutting any lines, phrases, etc that are irrelevant or uninteresting. Examples include cutting cliches, redundancies, unimportant imagery, etc. Every aspect of the poem should contribute to its overall meaning.
With that being said, I would suggest beginning the poem with the three lines I mentioned above. They're thematically appropriate and aurally pleasing, which could hook the reader at the start. If you want to explore alternative rhythms, I recommend reading the short poem "I Know a Man" by Robert Creeley. Its syncopated rhythm is appropriate for your poem's waltzing imagery and could help inspire your next revision. 
“Nature is a haunted house—but Art—is a house that tries to be haunted.” - Emily Dickinson
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@Beardo - after reading your explanation, it makes sense. It might therefore be a good idea to make the conceit clearer in S1 eg.
'She calls me over / at the drop of midnight / her smile like a hangman's noose' etc.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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I think you should make the conceit more obvious, maybe even in the title, as sexy as strangulation is for some people, the suicide layer makes it way more ... hilarious, I laughed out loud after reading the intent. Just knowing the intent made it that much better for me, without the subtlety
(01-08-2017, 06:13 AM)Beardowulf Wrote: Midnight Dance
She calls me over
at the stroke of midnight–
beckons me
to play some tunes
that we can dance to–
waltz together
in the night air.
She levitates
in aspiration
folding her arms
around my neck–
knotted with lust.
With a slight kick
and her tight grip
we sway
back and forth
in a multitude of motions–
freeing my saturnine mind
going to black
as my eyes stare
blankly at the wall.
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
Hi Beardowulf! Just a couple of thoughts. I agree with others that this is waaaaaaaay better when it's read as a suicide piece. Perhaps change the title to give the reader a hint?
(01-08-2017, 06:13 AM)Beardowulf Wrote: Midnight Dance
She calls me over
at the stroke of midnight–
beckons me -- I like beckons me better than 'calls me over' -- I'd consider nixing calls me over, since having both is redundant.
to play some tunes
that we can dance to–
waltz together
in the night air. -- the hanging is outside? Maybe mention trees somewhere since I can't readily think of anywhere else to hang yourself outside unless you jump from a bridge. But, then, why not just jump from a bridge?
She levitates
in aspiration -- shouldn't it be anticipation? Aspiration is when you inhale your own vomit, blood, mucus, etc.
folding her arms
around my neck–
knotted with lust. -- love it.
With a slight kick
and her tight grip
we sway
back and forth -- redundant since swaying is back and forth
in a multitude of motions–
freeing my saturnine mind
going to black
as my eyes stare
blankly at the wall. -- I like the sudden switch from the romance to the blank, unfeeling stare. Good twist.
The conceit is well thought out. It's a good read when you know what you're reading.
Hope this helps some.
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I will skip over any other critiques, so I am sure there will be repeats. The most obvious thing I notice is this is written in two voices. One might be called the "pastoral" or "common" voice, the other might be called the "elitist" voice. They are very obviously juxtaposed, not that it was necessarily the writer's intent to obviously do so. There are a few cliches, I shall not note individually as there are quite a few. I'm not a big proponent of enjambment, as people tend to use it, just to be using it, not because it in someway enhances the poem, or the use it incorrectly as is the case in the second usage (the first usage is merely a "hyphen" substituting for and "and"). The second should probably be written something like (not a suggestion)
that we can
waltz together
in the night air.
You see "waltz" is a subsection of dance, so it makes no sense to say dance to and waltz together as though these were two separate things. "Waltzing" is included in dancing, there is no cause to frame it as though it was apart from it.
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The second stanza gives me several problems but I will speak to the grammatical one, that is to say the ambiguity the poor usage of grammar creates.
"folding her arms
around my neck–
knotted with lust."
Which is "knotted with lust" her arms or the speakers neck? Plus the image is kind of gross regardless of which it is applied.
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By the third stanza I'm not sure in some cases the writer has a complete grasp of the meaning of some of the words, or how he is putting them together. "saturnine" comes to mind as an example of the type. In fact most of S3 holds little in the way of meaning.
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I do commend you on staying away from the general love cliches. I use to have a list of 128 words not to use when writing love poetry and you use far less than most.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
