Left drunk on her exes car windscreen // I am not a cuckoo

[rollingbrianjones]

Second edit:

Screaming, crying, crawling man
I took your nest because I can.
Her whispered whims? No longer yours.
Not lost but found, for me she chores.
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain-
Deserved. I’d do the same again.
The hand you dealt her? Boastful, vain;
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain.
She wondered, wandered, crazed yet sane.
Your caused your loss. You made my gain.
But I'm no cuckoo in your spot,
No chicks were slain nor laid to rot.
Yet.



Left drunk on her exes car windscreen // I am not a cuckoo

Screaming, crying, crawling man
I took your nest because I can.
Her whispered whims no longer yours,
She’s lost yet found; for I she chores.
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain;
Deserved. I’d do the same again.
The hand you dealt her, boastful, vain,
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain.
She wondered, wandered, waning, sane.
Your loss you caused. I made my gain.
But no, a cuckoo I am not
No chicks were slain, nor laid to rot.

Edit 1
Screaming, crying, crawling man
I took your nest because I can.
Her whispered whims no longer yours,
She’s lost yet found; for me she chores.
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain:
Deserved, I’d do the same again.
The hand you dealt her? Boastful, vain.
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain.
She wondered, wandered, crazed yet sane.
Your loss you caused. I made my gain.
But no, a cuckoo I am not
No chicks were slain, nor laid to rot.

[Achebe]

Left drunk on her exes car windscreen // I am not a cuckoo

Screaming, crying, crawling man
I took your nest because I can.
Her whispered whims no longer yours,
She’s lost yet found; for I she chores.   ....Should definitely be "me"
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain; .....why the semi colon if you're enjambinf?
Deserved. I’d do the same again.
The hand you dealt her, boastful, vain,
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain. ....the previous sentence does not conclude 
She wondered, wandered, waning, sane......the alliteration is a distraction 
Your loss you caused. I made my gain.
But no, a cuckoo I am not
No chicks were slain, nor laid to rot. .....nice 

Good one

[rollingbrianjones]

TY for these- very simple yet effective. Put them all into the edit to sit back and take a look. Me instead of I, that's a winner, I need to try and get away from this over-archaic ridiculousness use of dated language but long time habits can be hard to shake.

Semi colons are weak I suppose, but I felt anything else was too formal and wanted the line to run but with a stutter between pain and deserved. Gone with full colon and comma after deserved- I felt that made it firmer and still fluent.

Made that sentence conclusive, yup definitely better, thanks, there was no need to have that open as I had it previously.

Changed the alliteration for the sake of the edit, though I still have an inkling towards the original three Ws as the alliteration was more a product of wanting those words rather than forced for the sake of allit. I like the idea of a person waning whilst wandering/wondering. It suited the purpose anyway. This one is the only point of yours I'm not sure about changing, so thanks for the pretty simple (but effective) suggestions.

RBJ

[MadelineAnne]

Hi, Brian, I have just a couple of thoughts for you, as it's a pretty solid piece already.

Left drunk on her exes car windscreen // I am not a cuckoo

Screaming, crying, crawling man
I took your nest because I can.
Her whispered whims no longer yours,
She’s lost yet found; for I she chores. -- for I she chores is awkward. I'm not sure that I is used correctly on a grammatical level, and is the speaker a chore? I should hope not, since it doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem.
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain;
Deserved. I’d do the same again.
The hand you dealt her, boastful, vain,
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain.
She wondered, wandered, waning, sane.
Your loss you caused. I made my gain. -- maybe: "The loss you caused, I made my gain. "
But no, a cuckoo I am not -- Don't like the inversion here to make the rhyme
No chicks were slain, nor laid to rot. -- is laid referring to sex? otherwise it feels like a weak word choice.

Edit 1
Screaming, crying, crawling man
I took your nest because I can.
Her whispered whims no longer yours,
She’s lost yet found; for me she chores.
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain:
Deserved, I’d do the same again.
The hand you dealt her? Boastful, vain.
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain.
She wondered, wandered, crazed yet sane.
Your loss you caused. I made my gain.
But no, a cuckoo I am not
No chicks were slain, nor laid to rot.

I do like the edit better than the original, so good work!

[rollingbrianjones]

Ty ty - further comments below. Will have a read of something of yours.

Hi, Brian, I have just a couple of thoughts for you, as it's a pretty solid piece already.

Left drunk on her exes car windscreen // I am not a cuckoo

Screaming, crying, crawling man
I took your nest because I can.
Her whispered whims no longer yours,
She’s lost yet found; for I she chores. -- for I she chores is awkward. I'm not sure that I is used correctly on a grammatical level, and is the speaker a chore? I should hope not, since it doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem. Achebe made this point, and I did revise "I" to "me" in the edit. I didn't do this for grammar, I am happy enough to piss about with grammar in my writing, but as you both point out "I" is just not right. The speaker is not a chore, hence why she now "chores" for him. Doesn't change the nature of chorish sexual acts between drunken and repetitive students (which is the time/setting of the interaction described)
The word "Chore" reading/sounding awkward is necessary to mirror what it describes, though maybe I need to make this more obvious if it wasn't easily picked up.
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain;
Deserved. I’d do the same again.
The hand you dealt her, boastful, vain,
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain.
She wondered, wandered, waning, sane.
Your loss you caused. I made my gain. -- maybe: "The loss you caused, I made my gain. " I'm also v.unsure about this line, you pointing it out too perhaps confirms my thoughts. But not sure how to change. It's "Your" as this poem was literally written and left on someone's car after a spat over a girl when I was studying. I didn't want to lose the authenticity.
But no, a cuckoo I am not -- Don't like the inversion here to make the rhyme Yup, you are right, it is forced. I need to edit this.
No chicks were slain, nor laid to rot. -- is laid referring to sex? otherwise it feels like a weak word choice. Nope, laid wasn't at all meant to be linked to sex- I just wanted to end returning to the metaphor of the poem's title. Cuckoo chicks take over a smaller bird's nest, push out the other chicks from the nest to fall to their death... not sure where the imagery came from, I love nature and birds and shit like that.

Edit 1
Screaming, crying, crawling man
I took your nest because I can.
Her whispered whims no longer yours,
She’s lost yet found; for me she chores.
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain:
Deserved, I’d do the same again.
The hand you dealt her? Boastful, vain.
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain.
She wondered, wandered, crazed yet sane.
Your loss you caused. I made my gain.
But no, a cuckoo I am not
No chicks were slain, nor laid to rot.

I do like the edit better than the original, so good work!

[mrweiner]

Left drunk on her exes car windscreen // I am not a cuckoo

Edit 1
Screaming, crying, crawling man
I took your nest because I can.  nice and lightly sinister
Her whispered whims no longer yours,
She’s lost yet found; for me she chores.   The meaning here slips from me a bit, although I don't exactly know why. Could be that "lost yet found" feels a little forced/clichéd.
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain:
Deserved, I’d do the same again.   Had some trouble with the meter on this the first time through, but it made sense when I went back again.
The hand you dealt her? Boastful, vain.
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain.  I like the idea that somebody yanked their own chain. Nice.
She wondered, wandered, crazed yet sane. I like this line, but "crazed" feels like a mouthful of a single syllable. Could also be the "-ed" into "ye-" sounds that make it feel off. Maybe it's the combination of the two. That being said it certainly fits the form.
Your loss you caused. I made my gain.
But no, a cuckoo I am not
No chicks were slain, nor laid to rot. I enjoy these last two lines as the ending of the poem, but the phrasing/word choice ("a cookoo I am not" and "nor") feels a bit out of place in the context of the rest of the poem. Like...the way those lines are written feels more "dated" than the grammar in the rest of the piece. This could certainly just be personal preference.

Overall, I like it a good deal! I feel like when I write poems like this with couplet rhyme schemes they get scoffed at, but I like the form a lot. I think the choice of form lends itself to the style and topic of the poem overall. I definitely enjoyed the "voice" of the piece. I couldn't help but picture it being said mockingly by a bird from a tree branch since, of course, you said you were not a cookoo. Thanks for sharing!

[Mark Cecil]

Left drunk on her exes car windscreen // I am not a cuckoo

Screaming, crying, crawling man This might be only a minor point but all other lines in the poem except this one have 8 syllables just in case you are pedantic about structure
I took your nest because I can.
Her whispered whims no longer yours,
She’s lost yet found; for I she chores.
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain;
Deserved. I’d do the same again.
The hand you dealt her, boastful, vain,
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain.
She wondered, wandered, waning, sane. I don't see how the word "sane" fits in this context it seems to be there just for the rhyme perhaps putting the word "but" before "sane" to make it fit better
Your loss you caused. I made my gain.
But no, a cuckoo I am not I'm not too hung up by this inversion
No chicks were slain, nor laid to rot. Good ending

Edit 1
Screaming, crying, crawling man
I took your nest because I can.
Her whispered whims no longer yours,
She’s lost yet found; for me she chores.
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain:
Deserved, I’d do the same again.
The hand you dealt her? Boastful, vain.
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain..
She wondered, wandered, crazed yet sane.
Your loss you caused. I made my gain.
But no, a cuckoo I am not
No chicks were slain, nor laid to rot.

Overall I really like this poem it has a good structure and flow to it.  Keep up the good work.

[rollingbrianjones]

mrweiner (some name!) - I'd not worry about forms you enjoy being scoffed at. I am a lover of older forms- not a fan of "modern" free verse, and lots of performance poetry. But that may be flavour of the year. A good poem is a good poem, a good read is a good read, a thought well written is a thought well written... regardless of how it is jotted down! And yes it is mocking, in a voice ironically I am ashamed of now (as it's pretty old and I've changed a lot!). Thanks for reading.

Marckcecil - The first line, well observed, I do count that stuff- but honestly I never write a whole piece without differentials- that one I originally did naturally, but I thought it a strong opening- and I quite liked the fact that the line has a syllable less but actually reads longer (or is intended to anyway!).
She wondered, wandered, waning, sane - I can see how this line isn't clear (i.e. I agree it isn't). But it is meant to suggest that the girl that the poet has stolen away, when in her previous relationship, was lost- wondering and wandering- yet very sound of mind. Sane is almost meant as an insult, accusing her of being too straight-headed to break away from her previous relationship. Hope that clears up my intended meaning, but I see how it isn't clear from what I've written, one of those ones where it is clear to me writing but obviously not to a reader (and I think a tricky one to change, if I want to keep what I intend yet make it obvious to a reader, no?). That's also why there is no but. I don't want to say but sane, I want to imply almost boring sanity keeping her wandering, wondering etc in her previous relationship.

The inversion... meh meh meh meh. I know, I know. But I really like the last line and I am struggling to edit the penultimate line without affecting the last one. A suggestion that I can plagiarise (or at least be inspired by) most welcome! Hmm.

Thanks both. I think this one is pretty close to being done and dusted and something I'm happy with. But not quite

[ellajam]

Hi, RBJ, I think some smoother punctuation (beware, I'm no expert) would help, and a  few word changes suggested below.

Left drunk on her exes car windscreen // I am not a cuckoo

Screaming, crying, crawling man
I took your nest because I can.
Her whispered whims no longer yours, Whim's would clear this line of its slight awkwardness.
She’s lost yet found; for I she chores. maybe: For me she chores.
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain; Unsure if semicolon is right here, maybe an em dash.
Deserved. I’d do the same again.
The hand you dealt her, boastful, vain, Maybe a colon after her, semi after vain.
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain.
She wondered, wandered, waning, sane.
Your loss you caused. I made my gain. maybe: You caused your loss, I made my gain.
But no, a cuckoo I am not But I'm no cuckoo in your spot,
No chicks were slain, nor laid to rot. no comma after slain.

[rollingbrianjones]

Hi Ellajam,

Thanks for some great suggestions with this one. 

A couple of them smacked me in the face as obvious improvements (so a big thank you for those), a couple were around things I personally like (so obviously, being the self centred voice of this poem, I haven't used them;D)- and parts made me see potential changes that perhaps are not exactly as you describe but 100% inspired by your suggestion. Briefly noted thoughts and have edited in the original post (third edit).

So yeah, thank you, I didn't ignore this comment for ages as I didn't agree, I've just had no time to consider writing for a while! 

Thanks.

RBJ

Hi, RBJ, I think some smoother punctuation (beware, I'm no expert) would help, and a  few word changes suggested below.

Left drunk on her exes car windscreen // I am not a cuckoo

Screaming, crying, crawling man
I took your nest because I can.
Her whispered whims? No longer yours. Whim's would clear this line of its slight awkwardness. Not sure what an apostrophe changes here? The whims are possessed rather than possessing? Not awkward to me, the first three lines are actually the bit I'm best pleased with! But I'm changing the punctuation to perhaps enforce the way I want it read.
She’s lost yet found; for I she chores. maybe: For me she chores. Much better, yes, ty.
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain; Unsure if semicolon is right here, maybe an em dash. Yup, ty again.
Deserved. I’d do the same again.
The hand you dealt her, boastful, vain, Maybe a colon after her, semi after vain. changed but not as described
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain.
She wondered, wandered, waning, sane.
Your loss you caused. I made my gain. maybe: You caused your loss, I made my gain. Yes, changed
But no, a cuckoo I am not But I'm no cuckoo in your spot,
No chicks were slain, nor laid to rot. no comma after slain. Agree, changed last two lines- really want the sentiment and the return to the title/metaphor but can't help feeling it's weak in my desperate grabbing at this!