One Solution
#1
One Solution 



Consider the illusion
that we could make a difference
by offering one solution.
there would be no testing or trial runs,
we would just do our best—
we would stick to our guns.
The world would flow nicely,
like a well-oiled machine.
There would be no sounds of dissension,
we would all pay attention.
Simply
because
we offered the world
one solution.
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#2
(01-03-2017, 10:12 AM)Coquette16 Wrote:  One Solution 



Consider the illusion - I don't think you should use illusion, that suggests that us offering one solution is an illusion - a false belief, etc. I think illusion is the opposite of what you want to say. 
that we could make a difference
by offering one solution.
there would be no testing or trial runs,
we would just do our best—
we would stick to our guns. This is the line I'm not quite sure about. I think the idea of what you want to say is good, I just think it should be worded differently. 
The world would flow nicely,
like a well-oiled machine.
There would be no sounds of dissension,
we would all pay attention.
Simply
because
we offered the world
one solution.
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#3
unc121,

Interestingly enough, the two lines you commented on were two that I was re-considering anyway!

Thanks for taking a moment to give some feedback...and I look forward to reading some of your material  Smile

-Coquette



(01-04-2017, 08:37 AM)unc121 Wrote:  
(01-03-2017, 10:12 AM)Coquette16 Wrote:  One Solution 



Consider the illusion - I don't think you should use illusion, that suggests that us offering one solution is an illusion - a false belief, etc. I think illusion is the opposite of what you want to say. 
that we could make a difference
by offering one solution.
there would be no testing or trial runs,
we would just do our best—
we would stick to our guns. This is the line I'm not quite sure about. I think the idea of what you want to say is good, I just think it should be worded differently. 
The world would flow nicely,
like a well-oiled machine.
There would be no sounds of dissension,
we would all pay attention.
Simply
because
we offered the world
one solution.
Reply
#4
I am not a specialist in poetry. However, I know history quite well. So, my comment is about a context and not about a style. Your composition has very straightforward association with the one well-known 'final solution' from the first half of the last century. Moreover, you even propose to be 'stick to our guns.'
'Remove everything that has no relevance to the story. If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there.'©  Anton Chekhov
Am I right?
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#5
(01-03-2017, 10:12 AM)Coquette16 Wrote:  One Solution 



Consider the illusion
that we could make a difference
by offering one solution.
there would be no testing or trial runs, (no caps on this sentence?)
we would just do our best—
we would stick to our guns.
The world would flow nicely,
like a well-oiled machine.
There would be no sounds of dissension,
we would all pay attention.
Simply (excessive line breaks here and below. Their effect is meager)
because
we offered the world
one solution.

I won't pick it apart too much, but as a poem is is extremely weak altogether. There is no scene, no motion, no action. Think about what this piece is trying to say, then think of an example that would make your point clear without writing a full essay on it.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
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#6
I feel like " testing or trial runs" are a little bit blunt to the ear. Could you perhaps use some other words to describe this situation?
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#7
Hi, I like the sentiment.  I think its going in the right direction, but i feel like it needs some bigger words - more profound, maybe even razor sharp kind of punchiness.  My biggest thing is that I would not have the 3rd line (with "solution").  That way you could build to the idea of "solution" at the very end.  More notes below.

(01-03-2017, 10:12 AM)Coquette16 Wrote:  One Solution 



Consider the illusion   "illusion" makes it feel like we can't make a difference... maybe its the opposite "possibility"?
that we could make a difference
by offering one solution.  could cut this line
there would be no testing or trial runs,  maybe you don't need "there would be"
we would just do our best—
we would stick to our guns.
The world would flow nicely,
like a well-oiled machine.  maybe combine 2 lines "the world would flow like well oiled machine"?
There would be no sounds of dissension,  again maybe no "there would be"
we would all pay attention.  is there way to word this without "we would"?  almost "a world at attention"?
Simply
because
we offered the world
one solution.

sorry, that's kinda a lot of notes.  but i like where its going.  offering the world solutions is a noble sentiment!
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#8
I agree with you @hesawacko.

Although I have hardly any experience in poetry I feel like I learn quite a bit from your reply alone. Thanks!
At first I thought it would be a bad idea to leave the third line. Not really argumented in my mind, just thought it. However, after reading it again I think it might just make this poem a bit more exciting.

All in all I enjoyed reading this poem. Thanks for posting @coquette16 !
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#9
(01-03-2017, 10:12 AM)Coquette16 Wrote:  One Solution 

I'm currently rereading the commemorative edition of Joseph Campbell's "The Hero with a Thousand Faces", and this reminds me a bit of a story in the preface ---

Consider the illusion
that we could make a difference
by offering one solution.
there would be no testing or trial runs, "There..."
we would just do our best—
we would stick to our guns. This doesn't seem like the sort of piece to go into too much imagery or anything, so yeah, I can see why it's kinda weak. But it does tug, so I don't really think that's a weakness -- what is a weakness is the general lack of rhythm. Perhaps adapt prosody (risky, though), or just a punchier sense of rhythm -- some lines feel too long ("there would be no testing or trial runs", "we would stick to our guns"), and "there would be no sounds of dissension" sounds massively forced, what with the normal usage I think being "dissent" (without the "sounds"), as well as being a sort of out-of-place rhyme, considering runs/best/guns.
The world would flow nicely,
like a well-oiled machine.
There would be no sounds of dissension,
we would all pay attention.
Simply
because And this device -- one word lines -- it works sometimes, but I think only when there's a real tension or emphasis to the words, neither of which are present here.
we offered the world
one solution. But the breaks in this last sentence do mirror the beginning, which is kinda nice.

I don't really think this needs more big words or big images, just a better sense of its own sound. This is a limited piece, with its general lack of novelty, but since it made me feel something, those limitations make it feel all nice and clean. But that is just me -- might want to move on from this. Anyways, a distillation of my points:

Consider the illusion
that we could [all] make a difference
offering one solution.
There would be no trial runs,
we would just do our best --
just stick to our guns.
The world would flow nicely,
like a well oiled machine,
and there'd be no dissent,
just [rhymes with machine] --
simply because
we offered one solution.
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#10
I think some of the lines seem to be included for rhyme and are out of place
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#11
(01-03-2017, 10:12 AM)Coquette16 Wrote:  One Solution 



Consider the illusion
that we could make a difference
by offering one solution.
there would be no testing or trial runs,
we would just do our best—
we would stick to our guns.
The world would flow nicely,
like a well-oiled machine.
There would be no sounds of dissension,
we would all pay attention.
Simply
because
we offered the world
one solution.

Im not sure what I could add to this , seems people have already given you some pretty good advice. I would just like to express how this made me feel as an audience. I like the overall theme of people just doing there best as a solution to the evils of the world. Although "One solution" is oddly close to "Final Solution" which was definitely a horrible idea of genocide. And I cant help but draw that to mind when reading your poem haha. The term "well oiled machine" , Im not sure if you were trying to make a literary reference or not , but in case you didn't know that comes from Henry David Thoreau talking about the government in one of his works. Thanks for writing, keep it up Smile
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#12
The idea behind this poem is cool, but it's full of cliches! Especially lines such as "stick to our guns" and "well-oiled machine." I would definitely take those out
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