Interpretations

[Wjames]

I pretended not to look
as she carved her back
into a statue, and cracked it.

We were the only ones
in the library, and I was reading
her vertebrae like a poem
I couldn’t understand.

[dukealien]

I pretended not to look
as she carved her back
into a statue, and cracked it.

We were the only ones
in the library, and I was reading
her vertebrae like a poem
I couldn’t understand.

A nice read.  The first stanza relies on ambiguous interpretation of a few critical words and their referrents (per the title):  "into" and "cracked," specifically.  We don't know if the lady carved her back to *resemble* a statue, or conformed its curve to that of a pre-existing piece of statuary (joining Pauline Buonaparte on her marble bed, perhaps).  "Cracked" is even wider-ranging:  was the statue broken, your lady's spine, or does this refer to the mild percussive sounds of vertebrae comfortably reseating themselves?  (I chose the latter, having sometimes been asked to assist in this process by walking on certain young women's backs as they lie on the floor.)

In the second stanza, we see the statue in the library. but reading (visually) rather than auditing (audibly).  As for the lack of understanding - was the spinal curve composed for her pleasure or yours?

Critique:  L3 might be a little less jagged - "popped" rather than "cracked?"  L4, "We were the only ones" is serviceable, but could be more artful (or more poetic?)  "[V]ertebrae" is nice, but slightly discordant, being the only scientific term in a work that uses ordinary words to good effect.  What else could be done with that - "spinal figure," even "backbone?"  Though "vertebrae" certainly sounds well and gets the idea across.

But the main theme - is she performing, or merely getting comfortable with herself - is well expressed.  Or both?

[Hkrodgers]

I like the language that has been used but struggling to understand exactly what the poem is about given there could be a number of interpretations the key words can have. My suggestion would be to either use more specific / descriptive wording or add an additional verse in the middle. Verse one opening with a thought, verse two ensuring the reader understands that thought and third with closing. I am new to this forum so I do hope this helps.

[Rogo]

"Interpretations" 

I pretended not to look
as she carved her back
into a statue, and cracked it.

We were the only ones                                    
in the library, and I was reading                      5
her vertebrae like a poem
I couldn’t understand.


Always a fan of compression and ambiguity in poetry. Here the ambiguity seems to represent how people can become consumed with interpreting others' behavior. It even flirts with being meta with the metaphor on lines 6 - 7 since the ambiguity of her actions is like the ambiguity of the poem — this is awesome!


However, two areas left me wanting more. 

Line 4 comes off as flat — if not irrelevant. I understand you're aiming for ambiguity, but using descriptive language can be as equally vague (and more interesting) within a certain context. Why this information is important to the poem is unclear to me as well. It might be more compelling if the library was filled with people — despite the distracting crowd, the speaker remains fixated on the girl's actions.

I'm sure you've heard the advice "Show, don't tell" before, and it can be applied to the metaphor on the last two lines. Try to find another way to express this idea more subtly without explaining it. You could use words to describe/indicate her back like "spine" or "lines" whose double meanings suggest books and poetry. 


There are some other (smaller) aspects that could be considered for revision, too...

A bit more enjambment would increase the tension/surprise such as the one on line 5. For example, you could break line 1 like "I pretended not / to look..." which would help reinforce the falsehood of looking away. 

The assonance of "a" in "back... statue... cracked" presents a solid connection between the words, but I feel you could do more with the poem's overall prosody. 

The word "carved" seems forced to me. In an effort to write a cohesive metaphor, the word attempts to evoke the image of sculpting, yet suggests self mutilation instead. If this conflict was intentional, try bringing it out more. Although, this interpretation might just be me.


The conceptual structure of the poem is just thrilling, and the majority of its implementation is solid. However, developing its music and description would help make it more compelling/dramatic!

[CRNDLSM]

I pretended not to look
as she carved her back
into a statue, and cracked it. This stanzas great, I feel like a creeper who doesn't want to be a creeper.

We were the only ones
in the library, and I was reading
her vertebrae like a poem
I couldn’t understand.this stanza seems to only explain the first one, telling me you're not looking like a creeper, but as a contemplative bystander.  You want to understand but can't.  I love the idea of reading a vertebrae, but overall these could be condensed into one short stanza or altered just enough to show me instead of telling me.  We were the only ones in the library seems unnecessary I guess is the only thing here that doesn't help the piece.

Anyways, I liked it, thanks for posting

[Mark Cecil]

I pretended not to look
as she carved her back The use of "carved" here instead of a more expected word like "curved" conjures up a greater image of the back being bent over and forces the reader to stop and think 
into a statue, and cracked it.

We were the only ones I would agree with what is already said before that this line falls a bit flat perhaps more focus on the fact their alone might create a bit more intimacy "we were alone in the library"
in the library, and I was reading
her vertebrae like a poem
I couldn’t understand.  I thought you could have a stronger ending linking closer to the name of the poem.  How about an additional line at the end: "I wonder if you could?" Or if you don't want to refer directly to the reader you could go "I wonder who could" It's just a suggestion.

[RiverNotch]

I pretended not to look
as she carved her back eros 
into a statue, and cracked it. more eros. this feels like a euphemism, but it isn't.

the thought here i don't interpret as anything oneiric -- perhaps because i'm less than neutral when considering what statues are, especially woman statues (or women turning into statues -- or statues turning into women. part Venus de Milo, part Galatea, I suppose). instead i see a literal her that the speaker tries to avoid turning into an ideal -- then somehow she breaks the ideal, or he mixes the metaphor -- without any comparison to any actual statues. 

We were the only ones
in the library, and I was reading it's here that i get the dreamy vibes, for two reasons. one, i've never been in a library cosmopolitan enough where people would actually focus on sensual stuff like this (i find that students in university libraries are, when alone, there solely to study; there are far better places to focus on the desired sex, such as the classroom); and two, that's excluding the two times i vividly dreamed of libraries, the first involving a certain perfect-at-conversation red-haired woman, the second involving a videogamesque exploration of the place.
her vertebrae like a poem i disconnect "vertebrae" from statuary because i don't think any of the woman statues i here used as a referent are so soft to reveal their subjects' vertebrae -- or bold, but then again i don't think the speaker would be in such a romantic mood if he were comparing "her" to, say, one of those statues commemorating the Irish Potato Famine. then again, he could....there is much more to the symbols than what I'm taking for granted, and i suppose that is a good thing. but if the intent was romantic, then yes, it is possible this disconnect from sculpture is a workable thing.
I couldn’t understand. but this one, i could understand, at least at an emotional level. lovely work -- forgive for the late reply, i couldn't think of anything to say, at first.

[Lizzie]

This is one of your best for me, Wjames. I'm drawn into the scene.

I pretended not to look -- insight into the speaker's very human experience right off the bat. Nice.
as she carved her back -- carved goes well with statue, but it just doesn't set right image wise -- how does one carve their own back? Mold, postured, etc.?
into a statue, and cracked it.

We were the only ones -- RiverNotch is right about the eros in the poem -- nothing sexier than a library.
in the library, and I was reading
her vertebrae like a poem -- reading her body like a poem is a beautiful sentiment. It's hard to do 'lusting after the beautiful woman' poetry well, and you're succeeding.
I couldn’t understand. -- I love this. Nice twist at the end from appreciation to being captivated by the mysterious.

Love it! Good work.

[Wjames]

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.

I agree with some of the points made, I think I might change carved to molded, and "the only ones" to "alone". I do like "the only ones", though, because it can mean something more than just alone, so I'm not sure.

[Rogo]

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.

I agree with some of the points made, I think I might change carved to molded, and "the only ones" to "alone". I do like "the only ones", though, because it can mean something more than just alone, so I'm not sure.

I can appreciate that. You could still use "the only ones" in the context of a crowd—or any other context. 

I only say this to spark creative possibilities and not to push my previous suggestion. 

[Carrie Birdsong]

I pretended not to look
as she carved her back
into a statue, and cracked it.

We were the only ones
in the library, and I was reading
her vertebrae like a poem
I couldn’t understand.

Somewhat new at this so bear with me...
I found this poem to be quite beautiful and complex actually. Despite the length, it says a thousand words. I pictured a teen boy, in a library, pining after the pretty girl. At the same time, you get the feeling of frustration and longing when you add the cracking of her back. He sees her as both unattainable and flawed, which is the sort of confused feelings of adolescent love.
  As stated by others, that cracked makes the flow of the poem stutter. I feel it actually adds to the poem instead of taking away from it. It gave me the same feeling as what I think the boy would feel. The startled feeling when you are pulled from day dream to reality. The only constructive criticism I would give is for you to expand your vocabulary. I'd love to see what you could produce using more complex words.

    Sorry, this has been bugging me all night. It sounded super pretentious for me to tell you to expand your vocabulary. Please take it as a compliment to your skill. I have a teen daughter and this poem activated "mom" mode, which basically means I treated you like I would my daughter instead of as a complete stranger who just needs critique and not life tips. Anyway, I am learning how to critique better, so please, if you can, give me mulligan on this one.