Liquidation of her soul.

[LiteraryAntiquity]

-------A.N. Nervous now but yeah, go for it . --------

Liquidation of her soul - LiteraryFailurePiece.

There once was a woman who struggled to get
back to the present but her past was something she could not forget.
It haunted and tantalised her darkest nights.
She wanted to cry in bright, broad daylight
and wanted someone to notice how she felt
but she was too proud to tell, it was concealed.

In slumber, there was fear due to her nightmares
frightened that they would become reality but no-one would care.
Were her inner doubts taunting her too much?
Her wounds were far too bloody to touch.
She sat in the shadow, questioning herself.
Her partner in crime only thinks of himself.

His reflection was more important than her existence.
His thoughts were too trivial, his thoughts were too dense
and yet now his lady is sprawled upon the floor.
“I hear she tried to kill herself,” Like she did before...
“Has she succeeded?” No-one knows...
Until someone finds the body
and unveils the show.

A bloody mess lays on marble, dressed in ebony black.
One last wish; her lover could learn what he lacks.
She prayed for a love that could never die,
one different to theirs that now cannot survive.
It's a liquidation of a broken soul.
It's slowly draining as the body goes cold.
There was a love, now gone, that now does not exist
and a burgundy diary that now shall not consist.
“The woman had the biggest heart,”
I'm afraid her partner beat it for art.

This woman, this inner child, survived
and she thanks the Lord.
I know with the punches the woman couldn't see
and I know because that woman was me.

[billy]

-------A.N. Nervous now but yeah, go for it . --------

Liquidation of her soul - LiteraryFailurePiece.

Back to the present she has struggled to get,
for her past is one she simply cannot forget.
It still haunts and tantalises her darkest nights.
She's wanting to cry in bright, broad daylight.
Only wanting someone to notice how she feels
but she will not tell it, it's concealed.

the above stanza needs some clarity for me. the first line for instance feels like it reads back to front, did you mean
"she has struggled to get back to the present'? i thinks some of the words are unnecessary; words like simply, still, 'she wants' instead of 'she's wanting' only 'but she will not ask' instead of 'but she will not tell it, it's concealed.'

When in slumber she remembers her past, her nightmares.
Part of her is scared that they will become reality, no-one would care.
Are these nightmares taunting her too much?
Are her wounds too bloody to touch?
All the while she questions herself.
Her partner in crime only thinks of himself.

words not needed; her past, 'she is scared' instead of 'Part of her is scared' nightmares has been used once already, twice is too many times. (reiteration) all the while the questions feel weak, it feels as though they should be statements instead;
taunting dreams
wounds too bloody to touch.

His reflection is more important than her existence.
His thoughts are too trivial, his thoughts are too dense
and yet now she's sprawled upon the floor.
“She's tried to kill herself,” Like she did before...
“Has she succeeded?” No-one knows...
Until someone finds her
and unveils her show.

She lays on white marble, dressed in ebony black.
Her last simple wish; her partner could learn what he lacks.
She prayed for a love that could never die,
one different to theirs that now cannot survive.
It's a liquidation of her soul.
She feels it draining as her body goes cold.
It's a love, now gone, that now doesn't exist.
Her burgundy diary is not going to consist.
“She had the biggest heart,”
I'm afraid her partner beat it for art.

if possible use a few her, she, words as possible.


This woman, this inner child, did survive
and she thanks the Lord.
I know with the punches she couldn't see,
I know because that woman was me.

'survived', not 'did survive'

i think you can retain the main them of the poem but lose a lot of the stuff that doesn't say a lot.

lines like;
one different to theirs that now cannot survive.

there's a good poem in there LF
you just have to be brave enough to cut away the parts that are hiding it.

thanks for the read.

[LiteraryAntiquity]

-------A.N. Nervous now but yeah, go for it . --------

Liquidation of her soul - LiteraryFailurePiece.

Back to the present she has struggled to get,
for her past is one she simply cannot forget.
It still haunts and tantalises her darkest nights.
She's wanting to cry in bright, broad daylight.
Only wanting someone to notice how she feels
but she will not tell it, it's concealed.

the above stanza needs some clarity for me. the first line for instance feels like it reads back to front, did you mean
"she has struggled to get back to the present'? i thinks some of the words are unnecessary; words like simply, still, 'she wants' instead of 'she's wanting' only 'but she will not ask' instead of 'but she will not tell it, it's concealed.'

When in slumber she remembers her past, her nightmares.
Part of her is scared that they will become reality, no-one would care.
Are these nightmares taunting her too much?
Are her wounds too bloody to touch?
All the while she questions herself.
Her partner in crime only thinks of himself.

words not needed; her past, 'she is scared' instead of 'Part of her is scared' nightmares has been used once already, twice is too many times. (reiteration) all the while the questions feel weak, it feels as though they should be statements instead;
taunting dreams
wounds too bloody to touch.

His reflection is more important than her existence.
His thoughts are too trivial, his thoughts are too dense
and yet now she's sprawled upon the floor.
“She's tried to kill herself,” Like she did before...
“Has she succeeded?” No-one knows...
Until someone finds her
and unveils her show.

She lays on white marble, dressed in ebony black.
Her last simple wish; her partner could learn what he lacks.
She prayed for a love that could never die,
one different to theirs that now cannot survive.
It's a liquidation of her soul.
She feels it draining as her body goes cold.
It's a love, now gone, that now doesn't exist.
Her burgundy diary is not going to consist.
“She had the biggest heart,”
I'm afraid her partner beat it for art.

if possible use a few her, she, words as possible.


This woman, this inner child, did survive
and she thanks the Lord.
I know with the punches she couldn't see,
I know because that woman was me.

'survived', not 'did survive'

i think you can retain the main them of the poem but lose a lot of the stuff that doesn't say a lot.

lines like;
one different to theirs that now cannot survive.

there's a good poem in there LF
you just have to be brave enough to cut away the parts that are hiding it.

thanks for the read.

Thank you so much Billy, I knew it needed a lot but I thought if I edit too much before posting that there'd be little point. I hope you like the re-edit if not give me more to do and I'll happily keep editing it Thanks again.