Can any words, my sister, ease your pain - felt anger and betrayal at this vote which makes a man whose sins you’ve learned by rote our president? It’s useless to explain.
Your world-inflicted sorrow shall remain inflamed by image, story, song, and quote; each day some news or jest will get your goat until all love for goodness bears its stain.
My sadness echoes yours, though its sole cause is empathy: to neither of our lives was lasting damage done, we only grieve at others’ self-confounding woe. So pause and think the world’s no worse. Your smile revives: just politics, not forecasts to believe.
Elective
Can any words, my sister, ease your pain of anger and betrayal at this vote which makes a man whose sins you rightly note the chief of us? It’s useless to explain.
Your world-infected sadness will remain inflamed by image, story, song, and quote; each day a joke, a smile, will get your goat until all love for goodness seems in vain.
My sadness echoes yours, though its sole cause is sympathy. To neither of our lives was damage done, we only suffer grief at others’ self-inflicted hurts. So pause and think the world no worse: your joy revives with laughter at its foibles, pure relief.
Have slightly less than half a mind to submit this to Serious - meant for other relatives, too, trying to restore their happiness after the US election which has saddened them. Advice on how to better accomplish that, please, rather than its advisability.
One experienced poetry reader (who is also in the same emotional state, though) objects to the no-damage and self-inflicted thought. How to explain (without "mansplaining") that hurt feelings, though sincerely felt, still aren't the same as loss of life, liberty, property, or skin? And all without feeling superior about it?
A Petrarchan Sonnet! Well done!
I lost you in 'others self inflicted wounds' - not sure what was being said there.
Otherwise, nice.
Advice on how to better restore their happiness? That's a tough one. And not because Trump has taken you for a ride, and will be played by Putin, but because his win has hurt the ego of people on the other side. After months of social media campaigning, they see themselves as being on the losing side. Nobody likes losing.
So no, you can't do nuffin. They'll sulk until the opportunity for revenge comes up in four years.
Unless Trump tries to do a Putin himself and assumes dictatorial powers. That'll be awesome to watch.
D. Trump's twitter is far more potent than a Petrarchan sonnet.
I basically hear he will be like Reagan plus a few extra pounds (and he looks like a human Pomeranian hybrid creature). This sonnet is perhaps too inward focused. Every joy or grief is a personal experience that has less weight than an observation IMO.
(12-21-2016, 12:48 AM)dukealien Wrote: Elective
Can any words, my sister, ease your pain -- Is the pain inflicted by Trump that great? of anger and betrayal at this vote-- Democracy isn't a betrayal. Perhaps it's a shit show, but unless it's flat out rigged betrayal seems inaccurate. which makes a man whose sins you rightly note the chief of us? It’s useless to explain.-- Sin implies he should be weighed against some scriptural notion of justice. Seems like the problem is that he may screw up the economy.
Your world-infected sadness will remain inflamed by image, story, song, and quote; each day a joke, a smile, will get your goat until all love for goodness seems in vain. -- Is in vain a cliché?
My sadness echoes yours, though its sole cause is sympathy. To neither of our lives was damage done, we only suffer grief at others’ self-inflicted hurts. So pause and think the world no worse: your joy revives with laughter at its foibles, pure relief. -- So your resolution sort of answers some of my problems.
Have slightly less than half a mind to submit this to Serious - meant for other relatives, too, trying to restore their happiness after the US election which has saddened them. Advice on how to better accomplish that, please, rather than its advisability.
One experienced poetry reader (who is also in the same emotional state, though) objects to the no-damage and self-inflicted thought. How to explain (without "mansplaining") that hurt feelings, though sincerely felt, still aren't the same as loss of life, liberty, property, or skin? And all without feeling superior about it?
Here's what I think:
you've written some cool stuff on the website
Petrarchan sonnets can kind of be a crappy form sometimes (at least sort of anachronistic)
There's a dialogue here but no stand out imagery or enough exterior details to provide me with enough meaningful insight
How does a casino owner win evangelical votes? WTF?
(12-21-2016, 12:48 AM)dukealien Wrote: Clean. I really don't have much to say aside from stuff that jumps off of what others have said, but I'll try my best. Elective This title made me think of the class of subject, which is kinda weird -- it feels more appropriate to use, say, "Electoral".
Can any words, my sister, ease your pain of anger and betrayal at this vote Betrayal? Betrayal perhaps committed by the American people, especially those who voted for him that, by the opinion of this sister, should have known better, particularly the Christians (who at the end should have at least abstained) and the women? Or betrayal at the system itself -- and not at democracy failing, but at the electoral college failing, what with Trump not winning the popular vote, and elective (electoral?) districts being somewhat gerrymandered to hell. So I do think that betrayal isn't an overreaction....
....but that's liberal old me. Perhaps the pressure of working class white America was so big so as to make them choose the candidate avant-garde (and some legitimate articles would lead me to believe that, yes); perhaps the method by which America's system works is perfect for itself because it distributes power between the states, thus tempering mobocracy (irony?); perhaps gerrymandering ain't that big yet. Perhaps, in the end, it's not so much fellow Americans or the system betraying her (betraying us), but our perceptions of, say, progress, or what this [over-]idealistic/idealized beacon of democracy truly is.
I mean, in the end, this pain is for the most part an ephemeral hurt, I think ------ at least for any white voters, or any non-American, non-emigrants spectating. If someone else had won, then the pain would, again for the most part, simply switch to an ephemeral hurt, and very few from the liberal side would actually do anything to alleviate the problems at the root. But this is for the most part, and I suppose empathy plays a big part -- this victory is truly dangerous for the poor, the colored, the immigrant, and the refugee, less so I think because of Trump as the person (if, in his nebulousness, he is even one person), and more because of what he stirred up. which makes a man whose sins you rightly note Oh, I don't think "sins" is too scriptural. In fact, if you consider how many Christians (I assumed -- that specific statistic, I never really checked) voted for Trump, it's perfectly scriptural -- and really, I feel like a good deal of the hate against him is for the issues in his character that would never have been issues in, say, Andrew Jackson's time, such that they are sins by some modern doctrine, rather than the ideas that truly establish what America is. the chief of us? It’s useless to explain.
Your world-infected sadness will remain inflamed by image, story, song, and quote; each day a joke, a smile, will get your goat until all love for goodness seems in vain. But back to the poem at large. This stanza's pretty straightforward; nothing to see here, really, and I don't just mean this stanza. But considering the character of the poem, it's no real issue.
My sadness echoes yours, though its sole cause is sympathy. To neither of our lives was damage done, we only suffer grief at others’ self-inflicted hurts. So pause To return to an earlier point: the piece really doesn't seem to address the root cause of her "pain / of anger and betrayal" enough. Like I said, though the loss of life, liberty, and property isn't real yet, this election, or rather his election, has stirred up enough shit to inevitably bring that down to a sizeable number of the population (or at least that's how it seems, from over here), a sizeable number that never inflicted anything of the sort upon themselves. Who's to say her pain isn't sympathy or empathy as well, just to a greater degree? and think the world no worse: your joy revives Although this point does vindicate some of the problems. Not the final clause, mind, which I think is simply unsatisfying, but "think the world no worse" -- no, the world isn't any worse, nor is it any better. Come in, morphine; so follow, heroin -- come in, fireworks; so follow, the gun. Even (in my Christian mind) Jesus wasn't enough to change the world, at least not in a way such despair for elections matches; thus, the [always] soon-to-come world's end. with laughter at its foibles, pure relief.
Overall, I think there really isn't much to "see" here, in the sense that nothing really grabs, but that's alright. The form alone is very solid, but I find the piece as a whole too, what, unsatisfying? shallow? There's a thoroughness of thought that's missing, I think, a thoroughness that, following the calm mood of the form, would prove to be comfort enough, for the butthurt -- say, if the focus is shifted to the whats and hows and whys of your sister's sickness, then you shouldn't I think need to really talk about cheering her up, just as a recent widow prefers silent company.
Or at least that's if your sister was anything like me. To each, his or her own love-language, that's what I was taught.
Have slightly less than half a mind to submit this to Serious - meant for other relatives, too, trying to restore their happiness after the US election which has saddened them. Advice on how to better accomplish that, please, rather than its advisability.
One experienced poetry reader (who is also in the same emotional state, though) objects to the no-damage and self-inflicted thought. How to explain (without "mansplaining") that hurt feelings, though sincerely felt, still aren't the same as loss of life, liberty, property, or skin? And all without feeling superior about it?
Duke, your poem and comments have brought me much amusement if that's any type of reward for your efforts. I feel I got a bit off topic, so let me tell you where I think some problems are with form.
Can any words, my sister, ease your pain -you have a parenthetical comma in the first line. Ideally you may want a hook to have a straightforward, clear and powerful hook. Good luck making one of thoae. I would personally get lazy and post something sloppy. of anger and betrayal at this vote- What is pain of anger? If form impedes your ability to use concise expression, it becomes detrimental IMO. which makes a man whose sins you rightly note -- Maybe the rhythm is off here, could be fine though. Not sure about rightly note or if a while parenthetical line is good or nof. the chief of us? It’s useless to explain. --I guess the it's is kind of passive and not a powerful sub/verb,,though it is both in one syllable.
Your world-infected sadness will remain Will is a weak verb. Will remain seems too wordy. inflamed by image, story, song, and quote; each day a joke, a smile, will get your goat-- until all love for goodness seems in vain.
My sadness echoes yours, though its sole cause is sympathy. To neither of our lives was damage done, we only suffer grief at others’ self-inflicted hurts. So pause and think the world no worse: your joy revives with laughter at its foibles, pure relief.
Have slightly less than half a mind to submit this to Serious - meant for other relatives, too, trying to restore their happiness after the US election which has saddened them. Advice on how to better accomplish that, please, rather than its advisability.
One experienced poetry reader (who is also in the same emotional state, though) objects to the no-damage and self-inflicted thought. How to explain (without "mansplaining") that hurt feelings, though sincerely felt, still aren't the same as loss of life, liberty, property, or skin? And all without feeling superior about it?
[/quote]
After reading over, I think you did a good job with the sonnet or at least about 10 times better than I would have done myself. That being said, some language is slops. Slops take down a poem through attrition or something. One slops may not be so bad, but they gather quickly into a slops congress. Thanks again for posting! Super fun to talk about your p.
Can any words, my sister, ease your pain -
felt anger and betrayal at this vote
which makes a man whose sins you’ve learned by rote
our president? It’s useless to explain.
Your world-inflicted sorrow shall remain
inflamed by image, story, song, and quote;
each day some news or jest will get your goat
until all love for goodness bears its stain.
My sadness echoes yours, though its sole cause
is empathy: to neither of our lives
was lasting damage done, we only grieve
at others’ self-confounding woe. So pause
and think the world’s no worse. Your smile revives:
just politics, not forecasts to believe.
Sincere thanks to all the critics. Without going into detail, I've tried to apply all your specific advice while remaining in the form.
I chose the Petrarchan form here because, first, it's a love (though not romantic) poem and, second, it's a problem-solution poem (or at least an attempt at one). This seems to work sometimes - after defining the problem in the quatrains, having to come up with something in the third stanza to resolve it while remaining in strict form somehow liberates from preconceived parameters for the solution. Liberated by constraints... well, maybe not in this case.
@Rivernotch - Along with your other suggestions and critiques, I tried to stress the ephemeral nature of the situation causing pain... as well as the possibly false "facts" that make it up. This might not go over as well with the intended recipient, though - even people you like very much can be very committed to their feelings.
@Brownlie - There's still some slop here, I'm afraid, but less.
Non-practicing atheist
