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Joined: Nov 2010
11-19-2010, 10:10 AM
If you say it's all unfair,
And nothing is alright,
That your life is falling apart,
Too much happens to you.
The sky, its falling down.
Cracking, shattered, misplaced.
Did you ever look through those cracks?
Have you seen the light, the bright side?
Where everything is okay,
Perfect, unbreakable, like a heart.
So much love, and so beautiful.
Never can be broken, only stronger.
Your like something priceless, you once said.
Worthless, yet means the world.
You made me feel special,
Flawless, and adored.
I was loved, I will never let it pass my mind,
You loved me, I loved you.
I did anything for you,
My first love.
You say, that you want me to forgive you. But how could I, if you won't admit what you did wrong. -Written by me, Michelle  [/size]
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(11-19-2010, 10:10 AM)xXxForbiddenLovexXx Wrote: If you say it's all unfair,
And nothing is alright,
That your life is falling apart,
Too much happens to you.
The sky, its falling down.
Cracking, shattered, misplaced.
Did you ever look through those cracks?
Have you seen the light, the bright side?
Where everything is okay,
Perfect, unbreakable, like a heart.
So much love, and so beautiful.
Never can be broken, only stronger.
Your like something priceless, you once said.
Worthless, yet means the world.
You made me feel special,
Flawless, and adored.
I was loved, I will never let it pass my mind,
You loved me, I loved you.
I did anything for you,
My first love.
thanks for posting the first of what will be many poems FL
would Never can be broken read better as Can never be broken
would made in between only and stronger help the flow?
a nice transition from the first three verse to the last two. the sentiment within the poem is clear and flows well. maybe a good image or two would help make it shine.
thank you for the read FL
Posts: 13
Threads: 5
Joined: Nov 2010
(11-19-2010, 10:21 AM)billy Wrote: (11-19-2010, 10:10 AM)xXxForbiddenLovexXx Wrote: If you say it's all unfair,
And nothing is alright,
That your life is falling apart,
Too much happens to you.
The sky, its falling down.
Cracking, shattered, misplaced.
Did you ever look through those cracks?
Have you seen the light, the bright side?
Where everything is okay,
Perfect, unbreakable, like a heart.
So much love, and so beautiful.
Never can be broken, only stronger.
Your like something priceless, you once said.
Worthless, yet means the world.
You made me feel special,
Flawless, and adored.
I was loved, I will never let it pass my mind,
You loved me, I loved you.
I did anything for you,
My first love.
thanks for posting the first of what will be many poems FL
would Never can be broken read better as Can never be broken
would made in between only and stronger help the flow?
a nice transition from the first three verse to the last two. the sentiment within the poem is clear and flows well. maybe a good image or two would help make it shine.
thank you for the read FL
I love to write, so expect more. And thank you, I try to keep on one subject with each poem  I will take into consideration your advice and edit it Thank you for your feedback!
You say, that you want me to forgive you. But how could I, if you won't admit what you did wrong. -Written by me, Michelle [/size]
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
good for you, though don't take what we say in feedback as a given.
weigh it up first, if it fits, if it's something you really think works etc. don't be afraid to
take some or all of what we say and to ignore it. first and foremost, it must be right for you
and you are the boss of your own poetry. if you don't think something will work fro you just say thanks 
looking forward to more of your stuff.
Posts: 13
Threads: 5
Joined: Nov 2010
Yessirr;P
Thanks
You say, that you want me to forgive you. But how could I, if you won't admit what you did wrong. -Written by me, Michelle [/size]
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
Nice work . I especially loved the idea in the second stanza (the light through the cracks).
What I could suggest is to tone down some of the repetition of the same basic idea. For instance, in the third stanza you used "unbreakable", then afterwards "can never be broken". Think as a writer, how else can you convey the idea that love is strong without using another iteration of "unbreakable"? There are lots of ways! Try to find unique angles and interpretations to what you want to say, so your narration could be even richer
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 13
Threads: 5
Joined: Nov 2010
Why thank you Addy!
I'll take it into consideration
You say, that you want me to forgive you. But how could I, if you won't admit what you did wrong. -Written by me, Michelle [/size]
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