stucko

[Cousin Kil]

New Edit:


stucko

It did me no good but I translated my body for you,
did me no good but I shaved my head by the teeth of piranha.
I made red my breast and beat and bore back flesh
and stacked my books between
my inner
shelving.

The things I knew I put between my bones for you
and at the time I thought I was
the piranha
and the teeth.

And it would have done me no good but I would have rolled in the dirt for you,
done me no good but I would have navigated the mouth of this cave.
I would have shoved my hands into the red clay
and built for you houses to line up alongside
my read and tired
library.

These things I would have built for you
til these things I knew I buried for me.
I put them
in the stucco.


-----------------------------
WOMAN (original)

Woman,
(for you are a Woman
and that is what I admire of you)
i used to think you’re real cool

and i will be pulling gold nuggets out of my own
stomach
i will sticky-finger lyrics to see
what come of it
i am not above the dirt of god nor below the rubble of a man
i am
the puma
and the piece of meat

but Woman,
(for you are a Woman
and that is what i admire of you)
i used to think you’re real cool

and it did me no good but i
translated my body for you
did me no good but i
shaved my head by the teeth of piranha
i made red my breast
and beat and bore back flesh
and stacked my books between
my inner
shelving

yeah i used to think you’re real cool
these things i knew i put between my bones for you
and in the moment i thought i was
the piranha
and the teeth

Woman,
(for you are a Woman
and that is what i admire of you)
i used to think you’re real cool

and it would have done me no good but i would have
beveled in this god-dirt for you
done me no good but i would have
navigated the yawn of this chasm
cleaved
by my own sticky fingers
i would have shoved my hands into this
rubble-meat red clay
and built for you houses to line up alongside
my read and tired
library

yeah i used to think you’re real cool
these things i would have built for you
‘til these things i knew i buried for me

Woman,
(for you and your clay are just a Woman
and that is what i admire of you)
you fit so small on me

[Slix343]

This poem makes me think of gender identity and alike issues. The last line in particular seems to me to describe some sort of lack of satisfaction with what "woman" is. However I feel this poem is very much just staying in that one note and says little else. Yeah being a woman is arbitrary and annoying, so what? Most of this poem seems to be using clever wordplay to sound cool. "I am the Puma and the meat." These may get the point across and sound cool but there is little actual substance to it. Nowhere else to really go.

[Vanity]

Hello!
I reeeeally like the line 'translated my body for you'...I keep reading it. I do like this piece as a whole ....I appreciate the snake eating it's tail type--piranha / teeth, puma/ meat --references .
I don't like the repeated line 'I used to think you're so cool' ...I doesn't sound right to me, because the tense would be weird I think , if it were the literal: I used to think you are real cool. Hmm :/
How about: ' I used to think you were so cool'?
I don't get' I stacked my books between your inner shelving'. Sometimes I don't get something, but I still like the way it feels. In that case I didn't get your meaning OR feel it. Sorry.
I feel like this was written about a woman that you feel a lot for--and this woman thinks a lot of herself, arrogant maybe. ...and I feel that the author admired her once, but not as much anymore . Am I close?
I hope some of my commentary is useful. Good luck--V

[Cousin Kil]

Hey guys!

I appreciate the comments, everything was very helpful. I sat on this one for a while and just recently reworked it, addressed what I was most unhappy with so let me know what you think. Got a new title and everything. Beat it up, it's far from perfect I'm sure.

Appreciate it,
Evan

[MadelineAnne]

Hi Cousin Kil  

I like the new edit far better than the original. Reads more smoothly.

I like the repetition of the piranha and the teeth.

I think it would be nice to take it in a different direction at the end, and maybe subvert the pattern you have going. It's a little one note throughout. Take a turn at the end or give it a twist, that's my advice.

Also, I think that you did a good job of illustrating the idea of putting oneself away for the comfort of another. Maybe include a stanza at the end that involves a recapturing of the true self of the speaker, getting the things back out again.

Thanks for sharing,

madelineanne