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Fetish
The colors will not welcome me.
Again, I am detached
from the blue charms of childhood
and the yellow idols of adulthood.
Red: who loves it? too hot for the pure,
too much for the combination.
An obscenity -- the sunrise and the sunset
prefer the following hour, the distant memory.
The dead welcome me. Through cloud, through
cloud -- I can hear them. Can't you?
How did you grow up to lose your toys,
to dye your hair and shed your voice?
(If the grown can grow anymore
than fat and numb) All it should take
to reach them is a step or two, a step
or two towards you, my love, my distant memory.
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(12-08-2016, 01:26 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: Fetish
The colors will not welcome me.
Again, I am detached
from the blue light of childhood
and the yellow light of manhood. I guess there is a colour spectrum of light, but you might want to make "light" something more concrete, or have the light come off something more concrete.
Red: who loves it? too hot for the pure,
too much for the combination.
An obscenity -- the sunrise and the sunset
prefer the following hour, the distant memory. Interesting: childhood & death?
The dead welcome me. Through cloud, through
cloud -- I can hear them. Can't you?
How did you grow up to lose your toys,
to dye your hair and shed your voice? I like the dyed hair connection to the previous colour stuff.
(If the grown can grow anymore
than fat and numb) All it should take
to reach them is a step or two, a step
or two towards you, my love, my distant memory.
Interesting stuff, there are two things most people obsess over (fetishize), their childhood, and death. That's my read, could be something different though, it's not completely clear.
EDIT: it could also just be about how easy it is to sink in to living in the past, reminiscing, etc, instead of just living.
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An interesting write -
(12-08-2016, 01:26 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: Fetish
The colors will not welcome me.
Again, I am detached
from the blue light of childhood
and the yellow light of manhood............Like how you will not claim either youth or maturity, but look for a color in-between.
Perhaps a shade of green, then link that to some tactile image.
Red: who loves it? too hot for the pure,
too much for the combination................no red-no passion. I guess that fits your 'I am detached; line.
An obscenity -- the sunrise and the sunset
prefer the following hour, the distant memory. ....moments of transitions always bleed into the distance....good lines.
The dead welcome me. Through cloud, through
cloud -- I can hear them. Can't you?........................kind of frilly rhetorical musing.
How did you grow up to lose your toys,
to dye your hair and shed your voice?............okay, good use of rhetoric.
(If the grown can grow anymore
than fat and numb) .......................These are your strongest lines. They are a generalization, but they have power.
All it should take
to reach them is a step or two, a step
or two towards you, my love, my distant memory...............Bringing in the 'you, my love ' thing here at this late stage is a bit jarring.
I think you should return to your original color theme.
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The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you'll never have -- Kierkegaard once said. I guess that's what I was trying to capture here. The speaker jumps off of a bunch of other pieces I've posted here, and has a slight obsession with red hair (or perhaps a certain former lover with red hair), and I warped my discussion of colors around that. So it can't really be green, Sparky, especially with the later line, "too much for the combination". The theme is sort of carried over with dyed, but I guess I could do one better, follow Wjames's suggestion of tying the colors to something more concrete (even something tied not only to the later stanza, but to the title) -- and so the new edit. Thanks for the feedback!
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(12-08-2016, 01:26 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: Fetish
The colors will not welcome me. -- maybe a modifier before 'colors'?
Again, I am detached
from the blue charms of childhood
and the yellow idols of adulthood.
Red: who loves it? too hot for the pure, -- I'd line break after the question mark. Make the reader think about it for a minute.
too much for the combination. -- for what combination? with pure color? That doesn't make any sense to me because red can be pure too, if we're still talking colors. Red combines with all sorts of colors, even the ones you already mentioned. Leaves this reader confused.
An obscenity -- the sunrise and the sunset
prefer the following hour, the distant memory. -- I love this insight. Yes, when the sun is just on the horizon, it's blinding. Although, it's a recent memory, surely.
The dead welcome me. Through cloud, through
cloud -- I can hear them. Can't you? -- like the question
How did you grow up to lose your toys,
to dye your hair and shed your voice? -- the voice has now changed and it confuses me because, despite the 'you', I still feel like the speaker is talking about themselves.
(If the grown can grow anymore
than fat and numb) All it should take -- I'd line break after fat and numb -- it's a good bit, so set it apart to leverage it.
to reach them is a step or two, a step
or two towards you, my love, my distant memory.
I like this one, River. I hope you keep working with it. 
Cheers,
Lizzie
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thanks for the feedback. i have a lot on my plate currently, both in terms of academics and extracurriculars, so it'll be a while before i'm able to offer anything more substantial, both in edits and in feedback on others' poetry. although the fun thing is the extracurriculars involve me joining a writers club, which requires me to join workshops on each other's stuff, so in a way i guess i'm still participating, xD.
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whole lot of question marks for me here, so feel free to ignore the comments if you meant to say something entirely different.
[quote="RiverNotch" pid='221555' dateline='1481171173']
Fetish
The colors will not welcome me. i would rather say the subject welcomes or does not wellcome colours.. except red, wouldn´t that be so... damn denial.
Again, I am detached why "again". if anything, "in between childhood and adulthood"
from the blue charms of childhood
and the yellow idols of adulthood.
Red: who loves it? too hot for the pure, i think the word "loves" is not what you meant to say here.
too much for the combination.
red: who could ever get used to it? too hot, too pure
impossible to combine with anything
An obscenity -- the sunrise and the sunset
prefer the following hour, the distant memory.
The dead welcome me. Through cloud, through
cloud -- I can hear them. Can't you? the dead do not welcome. if clouds are a metaphor for grey this seems enough for me to deliver the feeling of depression
How did you grow up to lose your toys, is "you" the lost lover or are "you" the adults in general? if the latter i think a perspective of self-reflection would fit better. no one stays a child forever
to dye your hair and shed your voice?
(If the grown can grow anymore
than fat and numb) ----- i think those two lines serve no purpose. besides, there´s no pride in simply gaining height as well..
All it should take
to reach them is a step or two, a step
or two towards you, my love, my distant memory i don´t think you´re refering to the dead anymore with "them". maybe you talk about the adults? maybe its the same for the poems subject.. anyhow, i think if " them" are to blame for the lost love i do not see the connection clear enough.
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