Long Story

[Sparkydashforth]

He wore a duffel coat
so did she

They looked cute
walking in Regents Park
that Autumn
in their matching green wellies

When he left her
he packed only pockets
bundled together
with toggles and loops

[Mark Cecil]

I wonder whether you would consider changing the title to something else. I guess your trying to be ironic by the fact its called a long story when in actual fact its short. I think it would be better you focus on the actual couple but that is just me.

There is something endearing about the first two stanzas but something sad and dubious about the last which appears to come to an abrupt end. I don't know what the overarching theme of the poem is. Is it the couple? or is it the duffel coat and its pockets?

[CRNDLSM]

I saw duffel coat as duffel bag. Like hes wearing it over his shoulder and she's wearing it over her whole body. Then like a killer dumps the body, in the bag, and leaves her packing his pockets with evidence, or hers to weigh it down. And long story is what it took to get to this point, must have been a long story...

[hesawacko]

He wore a duffel coat
so did she

They looked cute
walking in Regents Park
that Autumn
in their matching green wellies

When he left her
he packed only pockets
bundled together
with toggles and loops

I do like the mood you evoke.  It does seem to end rather suddenly, and i don't quite understand why they're matching.  For me, it feels like we're missing the poignancy of their matching, and the emotion of him leaving - and the reason(s) why?  Or the big theme of the poem?  Is this a mother and child? (or am I searching too hard?)  Maybe a title that gives a clue might be the key to help tie it together...

[MakTheRov]

He wore a duffel coat
so did she

They looked cute
walking in Regents Park
that Autumn
in their matching green wellies

When he left her
he packed only pockets
bundled together
with toggles and loops

Sparky, Nice beginning,,,
But you loose me in the 3rd stanza... why did he leave? were the pockets or his coat bundled together with toggles and loops? and why? the title must be more of a clue to the reader than a writer's whim. But overall I like the feel of this.

[rollingbrianjones]

I enjoyed this, taking from it what I did.

What I took from it?
How sudden comfort (in this case a relationship) can be destroyed in a second. One day it's matching wellies and happy walks, then suddenly some underlying discontent can end things, shocking for one of those involved. I've been on both sides of that situation, so it hit home.

Any more than that? I struggled to take anything further, as this suggests so much but gives so little. If that is deliberate and my above feeling is what is intended, then the poem is a short, sharp, fantastic success. If not, I feel you can make a stronger impression on your reader.

[TimeOut]

He wore a duffel coat
so did she

They looked cute
walking in Regents Park
that Autumn
in their matching green wellies

When he left her
he packed only pockets
bundled together
with toggles and loops

As others said, the title needs to give a a better sense of the relationship between these two people.

That being said, the focus on their matching clothes is excellent. They come wearing the same coats and boots, he leaves still in his duffle coat. The duffle coat in the last stanza becomes all of a sudden unremarkable without her with just the simple loops grasping around the buttons. It denotes a clear change in mood. I think you should stick with the clothes as a metaphor or maybe even personify them a bit. Are his wellies still green...or now just rubber and glue with crumpled leaves stuck to the bottom? Just a thought...may have totally read this wrong.

[Rogo]

"Long Story" 

He wore a duffel coat
so did she

They looked cute
walking in Regents Park
that Autumn                                                         5
in their matching green wellies

When he left her
he packed only pockets
bundled together
with toggles and loops                                           10



Definitely consider a title change. I knew this was going to be a short poem before I even clicked on the thread. However, if you're adamant about keeping it, try subverting our expectations. Perhaps "long" could reference distance or the length of the clothing (long "tale" like "coattails", etc). Something like that could become an immediate and enjoyable surprise to the reader.

The foreshadowing of "duffel coat" does a solid job reinforcing the separation in stanza 3. Line 8's "packed only pockets" conveys both a feeling of emptiness along with a capacity to be full, while still continuing the extended metaphor of clothing. Wonderfully done! It would be interesting to see if you could push this metaphor a bit further. Since clothing can act as expression, maybe you could work with this some? The surface does or doesn't reflect what's inside, etc. 

The lineation of this poem is lacking, though. Remember that lines can (and often should) function independently of syntax. When each line is syntactically complete, it begs the question why is the poem a poem in the first place. Enjambment is necessary when creating tension/drama within a poem — especially short poems!

The poem is very cohesive and has potential to be filled (much like the pockets) with more tension and meaning. I can't wait to see a revision!

[BecktheDog]

I do not have a whole lot to add outside of the other commenters. I would agree that the meaning and point is evasive, which I think plays somewhat to the poems advantage because the poem appears to be tricky in its title/length and content. But you don't want your reader to be totally lost.

[mrweiner]

He wore a duffel coat
so did she

They looked cute
walking in Regents Park
that Autumn
in their matching green wellies

When he left her
he packed only pockets
bundled together
with toggles and loops

I really enjoy the piece overall, and feelings invoked between each stanza are stark and effective. For me -- to somewhat echo others -- the meaning is lost a little bit in not understanding the nature of the relationship of the subjects. I took it as "lovers" relationship, whereas others seem to have taken it as mother/son. Could just as easily be sister/brother if that's the case.

Of course, vagueness leaves more up for interpretation and more room for contemplation, but in this case it left me a little confused on how I was supposed interpret the feelings that were otherwise effectively invoked by the writing.

Additionally, I admittedly didn't know what was meant by "toggles and loops". After looking them up, I'm still left with feeling that there might be a better way to say "bundled together". It invoked an image of all the pockets being bundled together as one group, instead of them each being fastened closed on their own.

[rollingbrianjones]

Can you confirm the nature of the relationship ?

I definitely see romantic relationship not family... mainly from the line "when he left her".

I'm intrigued!

RBJ