The Golden Nugget

[Sparkydashforth]

It sounds like a casino but it’s a deli-diner
and only open for breakfast and lunch.
A Ruben sandwich will cost you ten bucks
but it’s the best in town.

A girl-child covered in butterflies. I swear,
right there in the car park.
Pearly Eyes and Appalachian Browns mostly
but some dark purple wings grabbing the sunlight.

I miss my usual waitress, this one is okay
but she don’t slo-talk and call me hon.
Among the usual notables: a pair of weekend bikers,
a big bellied Ohio cowboy with his stiff, white Stetson,
Benny the gay Jew at his favorite table.

The little girl has taken off.
together with a small crowd
of startled sparrows. No butterflies anywhere.
I glance at a booth window,
see reflected, a face covered in old skin.
A little boy winks in and out between the parked cars,
after all these years he is still light on his feet
for a monochrome memory.

Benny waves to me as he leaves.
He drives a yellow Corvette
and always wears a silk suit, tie and shirt.
No one ’round here wears silk, except the rich widows
who live in Oakwood, and they don’t come here
on Sunday mornings.

Coffee comes pouring. Dark purple nails,
nice long fingers. Her hips are friendly,
but she’s a moth. A good dragon or bad Princess
in any other legend. Here in the Golden Nugget
she goes by the name of Sharlene.

[Merrikay]

I'm going to have a crack at this. Hope you don't mind my novice critique. -
1st stanza-
I like this stanza, I think all the word choices suit the content. I'm not sure about the "but" at the beginning of the fifth line, it feels like a little too much?

2nd stanza-
This is my favorite stanza, I can really see it. I like the use of a verb here "grabbing the sunlight" I feel like a different verb might work better though, it feels rough to me? I kind of want to hear something softer there.

3rd stanza
I feel like I'm stretching to find something, but "notables" kind of seems out of place, compared to the rest of the word choices. I'm pretty sure that may just be me.


4th stanza
I don't get this change to sparrows. I'm not sure if it's a metaphor, I'm not making the connection. I love the second half of this stanza, I sense mild regret at aging, a longing for youth and a bit inner youthfulness (child at heart) from the speaker, though obviously mature.

5th stanza
I like this all. The last line might be a tad long.

6th stanza
I don't get this. The first two lines paint a vivid image, but "she's a moth"? I'm trying to understand. I think of being drawn to the light, eating clothes, lesser than a beautiful butterfly? I really like the good dragon, bad princess line. It makes sense, but I'm trying to understand its context here.

[Sparkydashforth]

Hi Queen Constantine,

good edit suggestions (I'm saying this because your weren't too hard on me).
Lots of feedback to ponder.
Yes, 'notables' has to go, it don't fit well.

Good post and stay regal.

I'm going to a crack at this. Hope you don't mind my novice critique.

It sounds like a casino but it’s a deli-diner
and only open for breakfast and lunch.        -I like this stanza, I think all the word choices suit the content
A Ruben sandwich will cost you ten bucks     I'm not sure about the "but" at the beginning of the fifth line
but it’s the best in town.                              It feels like a little too much?
                                                                 
A girl-child covered in butterflies. I swear,     -This is my favorite stanza, I can really see it. I like the use
right there in the car park.                             I like the use of a verb "grabbing the sunlight" I feel like a  
Pearly Eyes and Appalachian Browns mostly.     different verb might work better here, it feels rough too
but some dark purple wings grabbing the sunlight. me?  I kind of want to hear something softer there.

I miss my usual waitress, this one is okay.                     I feel like I'm stretching to find something to
but she don’t slo-talk and call me hon.                           but "notables" kind of seems out
Among the usual notables: a pair of weekend bikers,       of place, compared to the rest of the word
a big bellied Ohio cowboy with his stiff, white Stetson,      choices. I'm pretty sure that may just be me.
Benny the gay Jew at his favorite table.

The little girl has taken off.
together with a small crowd
of startled sparrows. No butterflies anywhere.              I don't get this change to sparrows. I'm not
I glance at a booth window,                                         I'm not sure if it's supposed to be a metaphor or
see reflected, a face covered in old skin.                        but I don't know, it's unclear to me.
A little boy winks in and out between the parked cars,        Love the second half of this stanza, I sense
after all these years he is still light on his feet                     mild regret at aging and a bit of "young at heart"                                                                             heart" from the speaker, while retaining
for a monochrome memory.                                              A mature pov.        

Benny waves to me as he leaves.                                      
He drives a yellow Corvette
and always wears a silk suit, tie and shirt.
No one ’round here wears silk, except the rich widows           I like this all. The last line feels a tad long.
who live in Oakwood, and they don’t come here                      
on Sunday mornings.

Coffee comes pouring. Dark purple nails,                          I don't get this. First two lines paint a vivid
nice long fingers. Her hips are friendly,                             image, but "she's a moth"? I'm trying to
but she’s a moth. A good dragon or bad Princess               Understand. I think of drawn to the light. I get
in any other legend. Here in the Golden Nugget                 switch of good dragon or bad princess but
she goes by the name of  Sharlene.                                   Don't get the use here. I really like the line        
                                                                                     itself, and it's entirely possible I'm just being      
                                                                                     Slow on the uptake.

---

Whoa whoa whoa, I need to edit this. Hang on.

[Merrikay]

Smh, that was a mess. I'm glad something in it was useful.