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A Round for Dublin
When ancient cities were small
and most modern cities, not cities at all,
you were the smallest: a model
by which our country should grow
out of this putrid mess of snow
that is Pinatubo's discharge. Know
that you're well and truly loved, e'en
by those who'd rather have seen
all those damn Nationalists hanged on a tree,
at least with Ni Houlihan having proved
not only that she could win on the road
but also produce U2.
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Hi River! I have some thoughts.
(12-02-2016, 08:59 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: A Round for Dublin
For when ancient cities were small -- do you need 'for'?
and most modern cities, not cities at all,
you were the smallest -- a model
by which our country should grow
out of this putrid mess of snow
that is Pinatubo's discharge. Know -- if grossness was your goal in the discharge imagery, you've achieved. 
that you are well-loved, even
by those who would rather have seen
all those damn Nationalists hanged on a tree,
at least with ni Houlihan having proved -- capitalize the N in Ni?
not only that she could win on the road
but also produce U2. -- I think you need a couple more syllables in this line. Otherwise, a good ending.
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i've never given a drunken address, which this was sort of supposed to be, so i can't be sure if the for is necessary or not. it's establishing a sort of rhythm for the rest -- i'll wait for more feedback before changing it proper, if at all
also will capitalize Ni Houlihan. that's a point the internet is not being clear with me, so i'll just take yer advice
last, i wanted to end the piece on a dead note, because as much as i love some of U2s music, and as much as i am somewhat of a firm believer of how all art is one, comparing U2 to the easter rising, yeats, and james joyce ("win on the road" was a reference to the part of Dubliners i was reading when i wrote this) is a little overmuch. so i added to the seventh stanza instead, because that was a line that bothered me revisiting this. thanks for the feedback!
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(12-02-2016, 08:59 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: A Round for Dublin
for when ancient cities were small,...............................as lizziep says, dropping the 'for' might help. It's not as if any causality is being proposed. To preserve the metre, perhaps you'd need to change it to 'in antiquity, when cities' etc.
and most modern cities, not cities at all, ....................................three 'cities' in 2 lines
you were the smallest: a model
by which our country should grow ...............I understand that your argument towards the end is that Dublins is standing as a model for a city growing out of its messy foundation, but the relevance of size to this is not clear.
out of this putrid mess of snow
that is Pinatubo's discharge. Know ...........snow - ice - drugs - Duterte's mess? nice
that you're well and truly loved, e'en
by those who'd rather have seen
all those damn Nationalists hanged on a tree, ............didn't get this one. The Ulster nationalists? Or Filipino ones?
at least with Ni Houlihan having proved
not only that she could win on the road
but also produce U2.
just saw that it's for fun, so you aren't after crit...but too late
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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(12-02-2016, 08:59 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: A Round for Dublin
for when ancient cities were small
and most modern cities, "were" not cities at all, You could put this in where suggested
you were the smallest: a model I love the strong flow and connectedness in this first stanza
by which our country should grow
out of this putrid mess of snow
that is Pinatubo's discharge. Know I don't understand the connection to Pinatubo
that you're well and truly loved, e'en
by those who'd rather have seen
all those damn Nationalists hanged on a tree, I suppose this is now true of most English people who now love the Irish
at least with Ni Houlihan having proved
not only that she could win on the road
but also produce U2. Yea I think you could do a bit more to make this a stronger ending
Poetry is the unexpected utterance of the soul
Mark Nepo
