Listening to Snowfall

[Sparkydashforth]

EDIT 1.

You hear the falling,

but only after it has settled

on some nocturnal eve or edge,

then, you hear the voices -

starlight shaping sound prints,

the bushy tails,

and the grinding teeth of the slightest breeze.

Speech pitter-patters over the windowpane.

Out on the ice,

paws scrape and shovel pallid-whispers.

There are swaddled hollows

just like yours,

snouts that sense

when you turn in your bed,

when you curl ever tighter

around an incoherent flesh.

Right now – if asked,

you’d swear the fall speaks,

but it’s just the sky creaking,

only a crushed silence tumbling

too loudly from your ears.

[Keith]

Hi Sparky
I like the idea behind this you have developed quite an imaginative piece and I like how you bring the outside inside and the movements against the sound outside. I think you need to work on the opening as it reads disjointed to me and you could look at swapping the order of the first three lines around but whatever you decide I think it needs work I do like eve or edge though. Best Keith

At night you hear the falling,

but only after it has settled

on some eve or edge,

Not sure the opening lines packs enough interest to really set the hook it reads a bit disjointed and could be smoothed out with some adjustment

then you hear the voices in the snow,

starlight shaping sound prints.

Like this it lets the imagination take it away

You hear the bushy tails,

Three hears up here is too many given the title tells us what we are doing

and the crying teeth of the slightest breeze.

crying teeth is a bit hard to see

Speech pitter-patters over the windowpane.

Out on the ice,

paws grind and shovel pallid-whispers.

I like the interaction between motion and sound you are developing

There are swaddled hollows

just like yours.

There are snouts that sense

when you turn in your bed,

when you curl ever tighter

around an incoherent flesh.

Right now – if asked,

you’d swear the fall speaks,

but it’s just the sky creaking,

only a crushed silence tumbling

too loudly from your ears.

I like how this links back to the start with the falling snow.

[Sparkydashforth]

Hi Keith thanks for this insightful critique.

I will take a longer look at those opening lines to see if I can improve them.
I'll also try to reduce the "hear' quotient, but may be a harder task in a 'listening' poem.

Great FB.

Hi Sparky
I like the idea behind this you have developed quite an imaginative piece and I like how you bring the outside inside and the movements against the sound outside. I think you need to work on the opening as it reads disjointed to me and you could look at swapping the order of the first three lines around but whatever you decide I think it needs work I do like eve or edge though. Best Keith

At night you hear the falling,

but only after it has settled

on some eve or edge,

Not sure the opening lines packs enough interest to really set the hook it reads a bit disjointed and could be smoothed out with some adjustment

then you hear the voices in the snow,

starlight shaping sound prints.

Like this it lets the imagination take it away

You hear the bushy tails,

Three hears up here is too many given the title tells us what we are doing

and the crying teeth of the slightest breeze.

crying teeth is a bit hard to see

Speech pitter-patters over the windowpane.

Out on the ice,

paws grind and shovel pallid-whispers.

I like the interaction between motion and sound you are developing

There are swaddled hollows

just like yours.

There are snouts that sense

when you turn in your bed,

when you curl ever tighter

around an incoherent flesh.

Right now – if asked,

you’d swear the fall speaks,

but it’s just the sky creaking,

only a crushed silence tumbling

too loudly from your ears.

I like how this links back to the start with the falling snow.

[Sparkydashforth]

Thanks Keith, I fiddled and tweaked a bit.

Hi Sparky
I like the idea behind this you have developed quite an imaginative piece and I like how you bring the outside inside and the movements against the sound outside. I think you need to work on the opening as it reads disjointed to me and you could look at swapping the order of the first three lines around but whatever you decide I think it needs work I do like eve or edge though. Best Keith

At night you hear the falling,

but only after it has settled

on some eve or edge,

Not sure the opening lines packs enough interest to really set the hook it reads a bit disjointed and could be smoothed out with some adjustment

then you hear the voices in the snow,

starlight shaping sound prints.

Like this it lets the imagination take it away

You hear the bushy tails,

Three hears up here is too many given the title tells us what we are doing

and the crying teeth of the slightest breeze.

crying teeth is a bit hard to see

Speech pitter-patters over the windowpane.

Out on the ice,

paws grind and shovel pallid-whispers.

I like the interaction between motion and sound you are developing

There are swaddled hollows

just like yours.

There are snouts that sense

when you turn in your bed,

when you curl ever tighter

around an incoherent flesh.

Right now – if asked,

you’d swear the fall speaks,

but it’s just the sky creaking,

only a crushed silence tumbling

too loudly from your ears.

I like how this links back to the start with the falling snow.

[CRNDLSM]

I appreciate the format, this is a very nice read. You say 'there are' twice really close to each other and it seems a little too blatant of a descriptor. Seems an unnecessary repetition. Good work!

[Sparkydashforth]

Thanks for the heads up CRNDLSM,
 I never noticed it.
Will fix it.

I appreciate the format, this is a very nice read.  You say 'there are' twice really close to each other and it seems a little too blatant of a descriptor.  Seems an unnecessary repetition.  Good work!