Latino Spin

[Sparkydashforth]

EDIT 1.

Buttocks push; breasts boast
through non-existent crowds.
There's a choreographed squall
amid the whir and clunk
of loaded appliances.

My mind is jostled
by Hispanic girls acting out
in a Laundromat.
Hips gesture, hands stab
and tussle with unwashed issues.

I’m distracted by the overheated hum,
can’t read the print
of my paperback. Words run
naked over yellow pages,
sweat and lay down
under a fierce fluorescence.

Skimpy shorts and gang-inks blur perception.
The porous sound of feral hormones
seethes over some slight,
branded onto an internet page.

They flop onto the slatted bench
produce a smart phone,
scroll through pictures,
moue and glower softening
at well tabbed baby shots.
Melting smiles, then

they hold up the cell for me to see.
When they get up,
the backs of their thighs
are marked by the wooden seat.

[Mark Cecil]

There is a lot of strong vivid imagery in this piece that really helps to picture this normal everyday scene

Buttocks push; breasts boast
through non-existent crowds. Great image here
A choreographed squall
above the whir and clunk
of loaded appliances.

Hispanic girls acting out
in a Laundromat.
Hips gesture, hands stab
and tussle with unwashed issues.

I’m distracted by the overheated hum,
can’t read the print
of my paperback. Words run
naked over yellow pages, Really highlights the distraction your feeling of not being able to read
sweat and lay down
under a fierce fluorescence.

Skimpy shorts and gang-inks.
The porous sound of feral hormones  I like the use of "feral hormones"
seethes over some slight,
branded onto a Facebook page.

They flop onto the slatted bench I like how you use "flop" here
produce a smart phone,
scroll through pictures,
moue and glower softening Good use of the word "Moue" here
as baby shots are thumbed.
Melting smiles, then

they hold up the cell for me to see.
When they get up
the backs of their thighs
are marked by the wooden seat.  Not to sure about the ending.  I know it is because they sat down on the slatted bench at the start of the previous stanza but the poem appears to come to an abrupt end but maybe that is just me.  Maybe you could split the last stanza in two the first one showing what you see on their cell and the last describing how they leave

[Sparkydashforth]

Thanks for taking a look at this Mark, and for the mainly positive remarks.

Regarding the final lines, my intent was to end with gentle observation, but I'm willing to concede
that it might be too abrupt.

Cheers!

There is a lot of strong vivid imagery in this piece that really helps to picture this normal everyday scene

Buttocks push; breasts boast
through non-existent crowds. Great image here
A choreographed squall
above the whir and clunk
of loaded appliances.

Hispanic girls acting out
in a Laundromat.
Hips gesture, hands stab
and tussle with unwashed issues.

I’m distracted by the overheated hum,
can’t read the print
of my paperback. Words run
naked over yellow pages, Really highlights the distraction your feeling of not being able to read
sweat and lay down
under a fierce fluorescence.

Skimpy shorts and gang-inks.
The porous sound of feral hormones  I like the use of "feral hormones"
seethes over some slight,
branded onto a Facebook page.

They flop onto the slatted bench I like how you use "flop" here
produce a smart phone,
scroll through pictures,
moue and glower softening Good use of the word "Moue" here
as baby shots are thumbed.
Melting smiles, then

they hold up the cell for me to see.
When they get up
the backs of their thighs
are marked by the wooden seat.  Not to sure about the ending.  I know it is because they sat down on the slatted bench at the start of the previous stanza but the poem appears to come to an abrupt end but maybe that is just me.  Maybe you could split the last stanza in two the first one showing what you see on their cell and the last describing how they leave

[Lizzie]

Buttocks push; breasts boast -- this line is kind of a tongue twister. I don't think the semi colon is needed since a comma would suffice.
through non-existent crowds.
A choreographed squall
above the whir and clunk
of loaded appliances. -- not sure I like 'loaded.' Doesn't seem to add much, unless it's a sexual innuendo. This isn't a complete sentence.

Hispanic girls acting out
in a Laundromat. -- also not a complete sentence -- 'acting out' is a little cliche
Hips gesture, hands stab -- I like that the hips gesture instead of the hands
and tussle with unwashed issues. -- I like 'unwashed issues.'

I’m distracted by the overheated hum,
can’t read the print
of my paperback. Words run
naked over yellow pages,
sweat and lay down
under a fierce fluorescence. -- great strophe. Like particularly 'words run naked' and 'sweat and lay down'.

Skimpy shorts and gang-inks. -- another incomplete sentence. Grrrrr....
The porous sound of feral hormones -- like 'porous sound'
seethes over some slight,
branded onto a Facebook page. -- the only thing that bugs me here is that the younger generation where I am doesn't use facebook much -- it's more Snapchat or Twitter. Minor.


They flop onto the slatted bench
produce a smart phone,
scroll through pictures,
moue and glower softening
as baby shots are thumbed. -- don't like the passive voice of 'are thumbed.'
Melting smiles, then

they hold up the cell for me to see. -- I like that there's a moment of connection between the subjects and the speaker.
When they get up -- comma
the backs of their thighs
are marked by the wooden seat. -- I like that you end with observation. The potential sexual connotations leave the reader wondering if the rest of the story is being purposefully omitted.

You have a flair for surprising description. Just....complete sentences!

Hope this helps some,

lizziep

[Sparkydashforth]

Hi Lizziep,
yea I do have a flair for the incomplete sentence and arbitrary fragment
I'll try to fix this.

Prost!

Buttocks push; breasts boast -- this line is kind of a tongue twister. I don't think the semi colon is needed since a comma would suffice.
through non-existent crowds.
A choreographed squall
above the whir and clunk
of loaded appliances. -- not sure I like 'loaded.' Doesn't seem to add much, unless it's a sexual innuendo. This isn't a complete sentence.

Hispanic girls acting out
in a Laundromat. -- also not a complete sentence -- 'acting out' is a little cliche
Hips gesture, hands stab -- I like that the hips gesture instead of the hands
and tussle with unwashed issues. -- I like 'unwashed issues.'

I’m distracted by the overheated hum,
can’t read the print
of my paperback. Words run
naked over yellow pages,
sweat and lay down
under a fierce fluorescence. -- great strophe. Like particularly 'words run naked' and 'sweat and lay down'.

Skimpy shorts and gang-inks. -- another incomplete sentence. Grrrrr....
The porous sound of feral hormones -- like 'porous sound'
seethes over some slight,
branded onto a Facebook page. -- the only thing that bugs me here is that the younger generation where I am doesn't use facebook much -- it's more Snapchat or Twitter. Minor.


They flop onto the slatted bench
produce a smart phone,
scroll through pictures,
moue and glower softening
as baby shots are thumbed. -- don't like the passive voice of 'are thumbed.'
Melting smiles, then

they hold up the cell for me to see. -- I like that there's a moment of connection between the subjects and the speaker.
When they get up -- comma
the backs of their thighs
are marked by the wooden seat. -- I like that you end with observation. The potential sexual connotations leave the reader wondering if the rest of the story is being purposefully omitted.

You have a flair for surprising description. Just....complete sentences!

Hope this helps some,

lizziep

[CRNDLSM]

My only suggestion has to do with dropping the words 'latino' and 'hispanic'.  the piece as a whole makes the narrator sound insecure in a racist environment.  like you don't really know what to say about them, but it's negative regardless.  or make it extra ignorant to really satire xenophobia.

EDIT 1.

Buttocks push; breasts boast
through non-existent crowds.
There's a choreographed squall
amid the whir and clunk
of loaded appliances.

My mind is jostled
by Hispanic girls acting out
in a Laundromat.
Hips gesture, hands stab
and tussle with unwashed issues.

I’m distracted by the overheated hum,
can’t read the print
of my paperback. Words run
naked over yellow pages,
sweat and lay down
under a fierce fluorescence.

Skimpy shorts and gang-inks blur perception.
The porous sound of feral hormones
seethes over some slight,
branded onto an internet page.

They flop onto the slatted bench
produce a smart phone,
scroll through pictures,
moue and glower softening
at well tabbed baby shots.
Melting smiles, then

they hold up the cell for me to see.
When they get up,
the backs of their thighs
are marked by the wooden seat.

[Sparkydashforth]

"My only suggestion has to do with dropping the words 'latino' and 'hispanic'. "

Are you kidding, this is a joke right?

"the piece as a whole makes the narrator sound insecure in a racist environment."

What racist environment?  A laundromat?

Some folks see race everywhere.  I am just a black American poet.






 the piece as a whole makes the narrator sound insecure in a racist environment.RNDLSM' pid='221408' dateline='1480723341']
My only suggestion has to do with dropping the words 'latino' and 'hispanic'.  the piece as a whole makes the narrator sound insecure in a racist environment.  like you don't really know what to say about them, but it's negative regardless.  or make it extra ignorant to really satire xenophobia.

EDIT 1.

Buttocks push; breasts boast
through non-existent crowds.
There's a choreographed squall
amid the whir and clunk
of loaded appliances.

My mind is jostled
by Hispanic girls acting out
in a Laundromat.
Hips gesture, hands stab
and tussle with unwashed issues.

I’m distracted by the overheated hum,
can’t read the print
of my paperback. Words run
naked over yellow pages,
sweat and lay down
under a fierce fluorescence.

Skimpy shorts and gang-inks blur perception.
The porous sound of feral hormones
seethes over some slight,
branded onto an internet page.

They flop onto the slatted bench
produce a smart phone,
scroll through pictures,
moue and glower softening
at well tabbed baby shots.
Melting smiles, then

they hold up the cell for me to see.
When they get up,
the backs of their thighs
are marked by the wooden seat.

[/quote]

[CRNDLSM]

I should have said 'and/or', as far as I'm aware they're different. Your work spoke to me, I shared my thoughts.

[Sparkydashforth]

"bundles of fundle"

Please give me a break.

Pax vorbiscum

I should have said 'and/or', as far as I'm aware they're different.  Your work spoke to me, I shared my thoughts.