The maniac

[Mark Cecil]

1st edit

His mind greatly bruised and out of joint
with dislocated speech hard to place
he shouts to silence in his solitude:
"you think I am some kind of circus freak"

To death he shouts "I'll take the bullet"
for he has already duelled with the devil
he stood back to back and even faced him
without a killer shot or blow against him

He rides up the hall on a chest of drawers
over the Alps on his proud elephant.
waking unsuspecting patients from sleep
hoping to enlist them to do battle
but staff contain his great rebellion

As his condition worsens further
he is swallowed and consumed by the beast
where his base ways are chewed and digested
before being spewed out of its jaws
now more able to live with mind in joint.

Original

His mind greatly bruised and out of its joint
with dislocated speech hard to place
he shouts to silence in his solitude:
"you think I am some kind of circus freak"
but she says nothing to him in reply

To death he shouts "I'll take the bullet" 
for he has already duelled with the devil
he stood back to back and even faced him
without a killer shot hit against him
except the killer shot to his sanity.

For he rides up the hall on a chest of drawers
over the Alps on his proud elephant.
waking unsuspecting patients from sleep
hoping to enlist them to do battle
but staff contain his great rebellion.

As his condition worsens further
he’s plunged into the belly of the beast
where his base ways are chewed and digested 
before being spewed out of its jaws
now more able to live with mind in joint.

[CRNDLSM]

His mind greatly bruised and out of its joint drop 'its'
with dislocated speech hard to place
he shouts to silence in his solitude:
"you think I am some kind of circus freak"
but she says nothing to him in replybecause he's a maniac, he's in solitude even in conversation

To death he shouts "I'll take the bullet"
for he has already duelled with the devildrop with
he stood back to back and even faced him
without a killer shot hit against him
except the killer shot to his sanity. not a fan of the second killer shot

For he rides up the hall on a chest of drawers
over the Alps on his proud elephant.
waking unsuspecting patients from sleep
hoping to enlist them to do battle
but staff contain his great rebelliongood imagery 

As his condition worsens further
he’s plunged into the belly of the beastbelly of the beast sounds cheesy, is this the medicine meant to help him or the hospital services,
where his base ways are chewed and digested
before being spewed out of its jaws
now more able to live with mind in joint.because how can he come out mind in joint?

Good imagery love a little insanity now and then 

[Mark Cecil]

The belly of the beast is the intensive care unit. I paralleled psychosis to a bodily injury "mind out of its joint" so he leaves the belly of the beast/intensive care unit "with mind in joint" meaning the treatment provided was effective in dealing with his psychotic behaviour.

[Alic Elliot]

1st edit

His mind greatly bruised and out of joint

with dislocated speech hard to place 

he shouts to silence in his solitude:
"you think I am some kind of circus freak" Capitalize the beginning of dialogue

To death he shouts "I'll take the bullet"
for he has already duelled with the devil
he stood back to back and even faced him
without a killer shot hit against him  This sentence just doesn't sound nice. My advice is use ‘shot’ or ‘hit’, not both. Another option would be adding a conjunction, such as ‘or'. 

For he rides up the hall on a chest of drawers
over the Alps on his proud elephant.
waking unsuspecting patients from sleep
hoping to enlist them to do battle
but staff contain his great rebellion I really like this stanza. Mostly because of the visuals it gives.

As his condition worsens further
he is swallowed and consumed by the beast
where his base ways are chewed and digested
before being spewed out of its jaws
now more able to live with mind in joint. Are you suggesting that he becane sane?

Original

His mind greatly bruised and out of its joint
with dislocated speech hard to place
he shouts to silence in his solitude:
"you think I am some kind of circus freak"
but she says nothing to him in reply

To death he shouts "I'll take the bullet" 
for he has already duelled with the devil
he stood back to back and even faced him
without a killer shot hit against him
except the killer shot to his sanity.

For he rides up the hall on a chest of drawers
over the Alps on his proud elephant.
waking unsuspecting patients from sleep
hoping to enlist them to do battle
but staff contain his great rebellion.

As his condition worsens further
he’s plunged into the belly of the beast
where his base ways are chewed and digested 
before being spewed out of its jaws
now more able to live with mind in joint.

[theredbaron]

I find this line too technical-sounding

As his condition worsens further

Perhaps it can be said in a more poetic or direct way.

[Mark Cecil]

[quote='Alic Elliot' pid='221235' dateline='1480265184']
[quote='Mark Cecil' pid='221044' dateline='1479942814']
1st edit

As his condition worsens further
he is swallowed and consumed by the beast
where his base ways are chewed and digested
before being spewed out of its jaws
now more able to live with mind in joint. Are you suggesting that he becane sane?

Yes I'm suggesting that he becomes sane again