October

[Sparkydashforth]

Wet roots run sideways into hills and clouds.
The dead come and go -
we see their smoke in the dank air.
Tomorrow,
a child will crumble earth into stone;
the day after, a worm will unearth a chill dawn.

A fine day to creep like lichen through a hollow bone,
or seep through a stem into Autumn.

[theredbaron]

Dense and strong, I like it! The one change I would suggest is condensing these two lines into one:

The dead come and go
we see their smoke in the dank air.

The second line seems too verbose and wasteful relative to the rest of the poem.

[Achebe]

Wet roots run sideways into hills and clouds.  .... an extra syllable - perhaps a synonym for sideways?
The dead come and go
we see their smoke in the dank air. .... three lines. Theee sentences - too prosey

Tomorrow a child will crumble earth into stone,
the day after, a worm will unearth a chill dawn. ...I'd suggest to cut out the 'will'

A fine day to creep like lichen through a hollow bone, ... are you saying that it's a fine day for someone to do all that, or that a fine day will etc? The image is beautiful but I don't get the significance of 'a fine day'
or seep through a stem into Autumn.

Nice
Best

[Sparkydashforth]

Dense and strong, I like it! The one change I would suggest is condensing these two lines into one:

The dead come and go
we see their smoke in the dank air.

The second line seems too verbose and wasteful relative to the rest of the poem.

Thanks redbaron, yup that line is just way too talky.

Obliged to you.

---

Thanks Achebe,

I probably need a comma after for line 2.

The 'fine day' thing is a play on the native American (plains Indian), death song (chant).
Perhaps I should change it to 'a good day'.
October is a time of death after all --- and yet....

Good FB

Cheers!

Wet roots run sideways into hills and clouds.  .... an extra syllable - perhaps a synonym for sideways?
The dead come and go
we see their smoke in the dank air. .... three lines. Theee sentences - too prosey

Tomorrow a child will crumble earth into stone,
the day after, a worm will unearth a chill dawn. ...I'd suggest to cut out the 'will'

A fine day to creep like lichen through a hollow bone, ... are you saying that it's a fine day for someone to do all that, or that a fine day will etc? The image is beautiful but I don't get the significance of 'a fine day'
or seep through a stem into Autumn.

Nice
Best

[MadelineAnne]

Wet roots run sideways into hills and clouds.
The dead come and go (consider an em dash at the end -- you could also use a semi colon, but dashes are prettier )
we see their smoke in the dank air.

Tomorrow a child will crumble earth into stone, (em dash, semi colon, or end stop here. Comma after 'tomorrow')
the day after, a worm will unearth a chill dawn. (I don't mind the day after, but 'then' would be more succinct)

A fine day to creep like lichen through a hollow bone, (my favorite bit here, because I read "It's a fine day to be dead." )
or seep through a stem into Autumn.

Love this poem and its subtle nod to the macabre. In the first sentence, I was bracing myself for yet another poem about trees and hills and clouds....but, this wasn't just another poem. So, thank you for that.

Since it's a bitty little poem, I'd make it all one stanza, since the thoughts all build on each other. Visually, it's a little dull. Maybe play around with some unusual line breaks and/or mix up the length of the lines.

Thanks for sharing!

[Sparkydashforth]

Hi MadalineAnne,

Thank you for this very useful review. I like how you highlight form and format,
for these are my weak aspects. I will probably end up making all the changes you suggest!

Appreciated.

Wet roots run sideways into hills and clouds.
The dead come and go (consider an em dash at the end -- you could also use a semi colon, but dashes are prettier )
we see their smoke in the dank air.

Tomorrow a child will crumble earth into stone, (em dash, semi colon, or end stop here. Comma after 'tomorrow')
the day after, a worm will unearth a chill dawn. (I don't mind the day after, but 'then' would be more succinct)

A fine day to creep like lichen through a hollow bone, (my favorite bit here, because I read "It's a fine day to be dead." )
or seep through a stem into Autumn.

Love this poem and it's subtle nod to the macabre. In the first sentence, I was bracing myself for yet another poem about trees and hills and clouds....but, this wasn't just another poem. So, thank you for that.

Since it's a bitty little poem, I'd make it all one stanza, since the thoughts all build on each other. Visually, it's a little dull. Maybe play around with some unusual line breaks and/or mix up the length of the lines.

Thanks for sharing!