Rain Watch

[Sparkydashforth]

Hedgerows smell of ramshackle owls.
We who watch the watchers, peer over the dry shoulders
of mole hills and warrens.

On broiled trails and paw paths are found
azimuth and declination; connective tissue and direction
of scurry and twitch.

At arid verges we sense a greening rim.
Clouds shape quenching ewers.
Boxed volumes of moths scatter at the fresh scent.

[Achebe]

Hedgerows smell of ramshackle owls.
We who watch the watchers, peer over the dry shoulders
of mole hills and warrens. .... lovely opening lines

On broiled trails and paw paths we find azimuth ... I can't help but think that a slant rhyme in 'found' would be nice here et'paths are found'. Would modify Je line below
and declination; the connective tissue and direction 'the' unnecessary 
of scurry and twitch.

Here on the arid verge we sense a greening rim. ... 'here on the arid' is clunky 
Clouds shape quenching ewers.
Boxed volumes of moths scatter at the fresh scent. ....a strong image but s bit confusing, if only because I'm not really familiar with the English countryside. Are moths like butterflies there, flying all over the meadows?

[Sparkydashforth]

Hi Achebe,

many thanks for this fine edit. I like your suggestions
and will do a quick fix soon.

I'm in Ohio. Yep, moths fly in cardboard boxes in the mid-west,
due to the occasional tornados.
Crazy stuff.

Cheers!

Hedgerows smell of ramshackle owls.
We who watch the watchers, peer over the dry shoulders
of mole hills and warrens. .... lovely opening lines

On broiled trails and paw paths we find azimuth ... I can't help but think that a slant rhyme in 'found' would be nice here et'paths are found'. Would modify Je line below
and declination; the connective tissue and direction 'the' unnecessary 
of scurry and twitch.

Here on the arid verge we sense a greening rim. ... 'here on the arid' is clunky 
Clouds shape quenching ewers.
Boxed volumes of moths scatter at the fresh scent. ....a strong image but s bit confusing, if only because I'm not really familiar with the English countryside. Are moths like butterflies there, flying all over the meadows?

[Mahjong]

Lovely imagery. I have only a few general observations, some of which might reflect my experiential distance from this geography.

Hedgerows invoke in me an image of green(ery). This clashes a bit with "dry shoulders" (unless the clash is part of the point). I'm unsure why these (green) hedgerows would take on the smell of owls, a bird of prey that prefers to perch in higher (and here ramshackle) places, perhaps in part because I'm entirely unfamiliar with the smell of owls (I just completed a translation of a Chinese short story titled, "Owl," and this hasn't helped me on this score :-). This disconnect is slightly furthered for me by the invocation of mole hills and warrens, two places I definitely expect would be of high interest to the owls. Also, mole hills might be a bit too small to have 'shoulders of the sort that "we" would peer over'; and warrens are underground and don't have shoulders at all, do they? For my own edification, I would love to learn more about what you mean by 'ramshackle owls', if the reference is to something other than owls that might make an aerie in a ramshackle house/structure. I'm nit-picking in these remarks--I really do like these opening lines overall.

Regarding 'broiled', might you not mean embroiled? I like paw paths very much. To my mind, azimuth and declination shift to a very abtstract register that leaves me a bit lost and longing for the vivid concrete imagery that you had invoked up to this point--"connective tissue (very thin tissue) and direction," indeed. In any case, if I'm understanding your drift, might I humbly suggest: "On Embroiled paw paths"--the 'scurrying and twitching' variety of these make sense to me as being produced by rabbits and moles (etc) fleeing the preying owls.

Really like the last stanza, except for the fact that you seem to be introducing 'green' and a 'fresh scent', when I had already experienced both with your very first word (but, again, this might be more my lack of familiarity with the landscape). Either way, those scurrying and twitching and path pawing prey are going to appreciate very much those quenching ewers--wonderful.

[Sparkydashforth]

Hi Mahjong,
thanks for this thoughtful review.
True hedgerows do invoke greenery, but in this case, we had a long summer with little rain, some hedgerows
turned into a burnt brown rattle of desiccated voices. Hence the ramshackle thing, for the brush was not lush.
Owls came to mind because my last memory of seeing an owl in captivity was of a disheveled hoot owl.
There are many species of owls, some roost high, some perch low, some even burrow in the ground.
Regarding 'mole hills and warrens'  - I wanted to get close to the ground where the heat had the power to
alter the micro-geography of the earth. Americans (in the mid-west at least), are fond of broiled food. As an ex-pat
Englishman I could never get the distinction between broiled and roasted but I believe there is one. I used
the term 'broiled' because I wanted to evoke an image of crinkled aridity.
The last lines introduce the sense of rain coming. In the poem the writer watches the critters and their ways,
those scurrying animals that often foretell a change in the weather.

I can't really defend my 'ramshackle owls' silliness with logic though. 

L'chaim !

Lovely imagery.  I have only a few general observations, some of which might reflect my experiential distance from this geography.
Every warren has a above ground opening or working.

Hedgerows invoke in me an image of green(ery).  This clashes a bit with "dry shoulders" (unless the clash is part of the point).   I'm unsure why these (green) hedgerows would take on the smell of owls, a bird of prey that prefers to perch in higher (and here ramshackle) places, perhaps in part because I'm entirely unfamiliar with the smell of owls (I just completed a translation of a Chinese short story titled, "Owl," and this hasn't helped me on this score :-).  This disconnect is slightly furthered for me by the invocation of mole hills and warrens, two places I definitely expect would be of high interest to the owls.  Also, mole hills might be a bit too small to have 'shoulders of the sort that "we" would peer over'; and warrens are underground and don't have shoulders at all, do they?  For my own edification, I would love to learn more about what you mean by 'ramshackle owls', if the reference is to something other than owls that might make an aerie in a ramshackle house/structure.  I'm nit-picking in these remarks--I really do like these opening lines overall.

Regarding 'broiled', might you not mean embroiled?  I like paw paths very much.  To my mind, azimuth and declination shift to a very abtstract register that leaves me a bit lost and longing for the vivid concrete imagery that you had invoked up to this point--"connective tissue (very thin tissue) and direction," indeed.  In any case, if I'm understanding your drift, might I humbly suggest: "On Embroiled paw paths"--the 'scurrying and twitching' variety of these make sense to me as being produced by rabbits and moles (etc) fleeing the preying owls.

Really like the last stanza, except for the fact that you seem to be introducing 'green' and a 'fresh scent', when I had already experienced both with your very first word (but, again, this might be more my lack of familiarity with the landscape).  Either way, those scurrying and twitching and path pawing prey are going to appreciate very much those quenching ewers--wonderful.

[Winterloc]

Just wanted to say what a wonderful depiction of nature this is. Such interesting wording and imagery. Nice angle given with "we who watch the watchers/over dry shoulders" to bring the reader into the poem right away. At first I felt the last line was too long, but really it's a great portrayal with rich sensory information. The conclusion was effective, but also gave me this unique feeling there would be more to come. That the character (feeling like it was myself) would now be off for another set of observations, the next stage of their journey. It reminded me of well done representational artwork where the artist focuses on just the right essential details but leaves just enough to the devices of the mind, so that the subject becomes one with the imagination of the observer. And so leaves a striking impact. Loved the specifics throughout the whole poem. Anyway, that's my rant! Very good read for me. 

Hedgerows smell of ramshackle owls.
We who watch the watchers, peer over the dry shoulders
of mole hills and warrens.

On broiled trails and paw paths are found
azimuth and declination; connective tissue and direction
of scurry and twitch.

At arid verges we sense a greening rim.
Clouds shape quenching ewers.
Boxed volumes of moths scatter at the fresh scent.

[Achebe]

Nice to have this one bumped. Reading it again after a while, an absolutely stunning piece. Sparky's written a number of great ones, but the last line here is divine.