Living with Carpenter Bees

[Sparkydashforth]

They are dug in
under the screen door
where my foot swings,
where concrete crumbles.

Fat and fuzzy
the bees scurry
as heavy as baby mice.
They share an apartment
with a chipmunk,
and a long black centipede
that sometimes emerges
to ripple-wave at something
only it can see.

The bees skim a small acreage;
rotund whirring blimps,
meandering low -
chase each other
in a circle of light.

When night drips from the roof,
we share a living space
made from unpacked shadows.

[just mercedes]

I like the way you show living things in relation to each other, and awareness of your place there.


They are dug in For me, the verb 'to be' is passive. 'They dug themselves in' makes the opening of your poem more active, more inviting.
under the screen door
where my foot swings,
where concrete crumbles.

Fat and fuzzy
the bees scurry
as heavy as baby mice. I like all these descriptors.
They share an apartment
with a chipmunk,
and a long black centipede
that sometimes emerges Don't think you need to qualify here
to ripple-wave at something
only it can see. Love this

The bees skim a small acreage;
rotund whirring blimps.
meandering low. Punctuation
A pair will often chase each other
in a circle of sunlight. Love the image; if you make it in present tense this image is much more immediate.

When night drips from the roof,
we share a living space
made from unpacked shadows. Strong finish

[Sparkydashforth]

Super edit JM, I will definitely make some changes.
Good eyes.

Thanks!

I like the way you show living things in relation to each other, and awareness of your place there.


They are dug in For me, the verb 'to be' is passive. 'They dug themselves in' makes the opening of your poem more active, more inviting.
under the screen door
where my foot swings,
where concrete crumbles.

Fat and fuzzy
the bees scurry
as heavy as baby mice. I like all these descriptors.
They share an apartment
with a chipmunk,
and a long black centipede
that sometimes emerges Don't think you need to qualify here
to ripple-wave at something
only it can see. Love this

The bees skim a small acreage;
rotund whirring blimps.
meandering low. Punctuation
A pair will often chase each other
in a circle of sunlight. Love the image; if you make it in present tense this image is much more immediate.

When night drips from the roof,
we share a living space
made from unpacked shadows. Strong finish

[Achebe]

Sparky - I'll return to this later. I've enjoyed all three of your poems posted this far. You have a flair for description that's extraordinary.
For now and for this piece my only suggestion would be to rethink the 'chipmunk' line - after bees, baby mice, and before centipede, it overloads the menagerie. I'd prefer going stratigjt to the centipede.
Ciao

[Sparkydashforth]

Hi Achebe

thanks for the initial positive comments. I had not thought of cutting the chipmunks out....might work -
will consider!

Obliged!

Sparky - I'll return to this later. I've enjoyed all three of your poems posted this far. You have a flair for description that's extraordinary.
For now and for this piece my only suggestion would be to rethink the 'chipmunk' line - after bees, baby mice, and before centipede, it overloads the menagerie. I'd prefer going stratigjt to the centipede.
Ciao

[CRNDLSM]

They are dug in
under the screen door
where my foot swings,
where concrete crumbles.

Fat and fuzzy
the bees scurry
as heavy as baby mice. 'As heavy as' sounds like a lack of a better word.  but if I read these three lines quickly it sounds alright. 
They share an apartment
with a chipmunk,
and a long black centipede
that sometimes emerges
to ripple-wave at something
only it can see. I really like this setting 

The bees skim a small acreage;
rotund whirring blimps.
meandering low.
A pair will often chase each other
in a circle of sunlight.again very nice descriptions

When night drips from the roof,
we share a living space
made from unpacked shadows.the space is made from shadows? unpacked shadows makes me think of the bees out at night flying, but I really had to think about it.  it's not clear to me sorry.

I really like some of the sound repetitions.  chipmunk, drip, blimp ripple, and there's a lot of movement in general throughout, circle, whirring, wave, crumbles, their everywhere it's pretty cool.

[Sparkydashforth]

Hi CRNDLSM,

Thanks for the positive review.
Sorry about the 'unpacked shadows' thing.
It could be criticized as just a sound bite, but it
provides a meta-image that appeals to me.

Obliged!

They are dug in
under the screen door
where my foot swings,
where concrete crumbles.

Fat and fuzzy
the bees scurry
as heavy as baby mice. 'As heavy as' sounds like a lack of a better word.  but if I read these three lines quickly it sounds alright. 
They share an apartment
with a chipmunk,
and a long black centipede
that sometimes emerges
to ripple-wave at something
only it can see. I really like this setting 

The bees skim a small acreage;
rotund whirring blimps.
meandering low.
A pair will often chase each other
in a circle of sunlight.again very nice descriptions

When night drips from the roof,
we share a living space
made from unpacked shadows.the space is made from shadows? unpacked shadows makes me think of the bees out at night flying, but I really had to think about it.  it's not clear to me sorry.

I really like some of the sound repetitions.  chipmunk, drip, blimp ripple, and there's a lot of movement in general throughout, circle, whirring, wave, crumbles, their everywhere it's pretty cool.

[Lizzie]

Hi Sparky. This is lovely, as usual. Some thoughts:

They are dug in
under the screen door
where my foot swings,
where concrete crumbles.

Fat and fuzzy
the bees scurry
as heavy as baby mice.
They share an apartment
with a chipmunk,
and a long black centipede
that sometimes emerges
to ripple-wave at something
only it can see. -- these first two stanzas are dynamite. Love the centipede doing the ripple-wave.

The bees skim a small acreage;
rotund whirring blimps. -- I'd put a comma at the end here so that the following sentence is not a fragment.
meandering low.
A pair will often chase each other -- maybe simplify this to 'two chase each other'?
in a circle of sunlight. -- talking about the sunlight in a nature poem is understandable but pretty done already. I'd work harder to make this description more surprising.

When night drips from the roof,
we share a living space -- 'living space' is a bit prosey, and not too descriptive
made from unpacked shadows.

Just some minor tweaking. Thanks for the read!

lizziep

[Sparkydashforth]

Thanks Lizziep,

good suggestions. I might just change living-space to 'space'.
Will do the comma thing.
Agree about the compression of L4 S3

It's late here, but will take a fresh look at this tomorrow.

Excellent review from you!

Sláinte !

Hi Sparky. This is lovely, as usual. Some thoughts:

They are dug in
under the screen door
where my foot swings,
where concrete crumbles.

Fat and fuzzy
the bees scurry
as heavy as baby mice.
They share an apartment
with a chipmunk,
and a long black centipede
that sometimes emerges
to ripple-wave at something
only it can see. -- these first two stanzas are dynamite. Love the centipede doing the ripple-wave.

The bees skim a small acreage;
rotund whirring blimps. -- I'd put a comma at the end here so that the following sentence is not a fragment.
meandering low.
A pair will often chase each other -- maybe simplify this to 'two chase each other'?
in a circle of sunlight. -- talking about the sunlight in a nature poem is understandable but pretty done already. I'd work harder to make this description more surprising.

When night drips from the roof,
we share a living space -- 'living space' is a bit prosey, and not too descriptive
made from unpacked shadows.

Just some minor tweaking. Thanks for the read!

lizziep