Dark Waters

[Coquette16]

Dark Waters - 1st Edit

Dark Waters





Heart capsized

no longer drifting

further away

swims reality



submerged

eyes blurred

limbs wavering

unclaimed depths enticing



mindless pressure pulsing

in the mirror

of dark distortion

surrounding me



Heart capsized

No longer drifting.

further away

swims  reality




[ORIGINAL POST]
Dark Waters


Heart capsized
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,
Limbs slicing,
Dark waters
Enticing the unclaimed depths.

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror
of distortion
surrounding me.

Heart capsized
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

[ForestWalker]

Dark Waters


Heart capsized <- Can be a little confusing with he contrast in the following stanzas
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,
Limbs slicing, <- Limbs slicing in the sense of rowing?
Dark waters
Enticing the unclaimed depths.

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror <- Very drastic change in imagery and scenic view
of distortion
surrounding me.

Heart capsized
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality. <- Closing needed, progression or regression should show.

[DerTomatenToaster]

I would remove the comma after "limbs slice" and instead put it after "dark waters". Maybe I just don't understand the line, but otherwise it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. 
As the comment above stated, the last verse needs some kins of progression. When I read it I actually expected the last line or something to change and was kind of led down when I found out it doesn't.
And one small thing: You don't need to start every line with a capital letters, in fact you shouldn't. And when you for some reason want to do so, don't leave out two lines for no reason at all.
Overall I still liked the theme, it was mainly the "limbs slicing" line that confused me.

[Coquette16]

Thank you so much for your feedback...I appreciate the feedback and although I knew there were a couple images to develop, I didn't take a hard look at the last line.

  Coquette



quote='DerTomatenToaster' pid='220714' dateline='1479550117']
I would remove the comma after "limbs slice" and instead put it after "dark waters". Maybe I just don't understand the line, but otherwise it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. 
As the comment above stated, the last verse needs some kins of progression. When I read it I actually expected the last line or something to change and was kind of led down when I found out it doesn't.
And one small thing: You don't need to start every line with a capital letters, in fact you shouldn't. And when you for some reason want to do so, don't leave out two lines for no reason at all.
Overall I still liked the theme, it was mainly the "limbs slicing" line that confused me.
[/quote]

[CRNDLSM]

Dark Waters


Heart capsized
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,
Limbs slicing,
Dark waters
Enticing the unclaimed depths.

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror
of distortion
surrounding me.

Heart capsized
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

---

Heart capsized is a good start, automatically I think I'm about to read a 'love is scary' poem, but if you are really lost at sea, like a desert everything is a mirage, and reality slips away with hope, and your heart capsized. I like this tight package too even the refrain. Thanks for posting!

[Sparkydashforth]

Hi CRNDLSM

Dark Waters


Heart capsized.................good opening line, sets the theme.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away,.............why not make this one line and cut the second "further"?
Swims reality.

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,......................lines 1 & 2 are a bit too melodramatic for me
Limbs slicing,
Dark waters
Enticing the unclaimed depths.................last 3 lines are good

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror
of distortion
surrounding me.............I would cut L1 & 2----they slow the pace.

Heart capsized.....just my preference but I would cut L 2&3.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

---

Heart capsized is a good start, automatically I think I'm about to read a 'love is scary' poem, but if you are really lost at sea, like a desert everything is a mirage, and reality slips away with hope, and your heart capsized.  I like this tight package too even the refrain.  Thanks for posting!

---

Hi CRNDLSM

Dark Waters


Heart capsized.................good opening line, sets the theme.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away,.............why not make this one line and cut the second "further"?
Swims reality.

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,......................lines 1 & 2 are a bit too melodramatic for me
Limbs slicing,
Dark waters
Enticing the unclaimed depths.................last 3 lines are good

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror
of distortion
surrounding me.............I would cut L1 & 2----they sloe the pace.

Heart capsized.....just my preference but I would cut L 2&3.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

---

Heart capsized is a good start, automatically I think I'm about to read a 'love is scary' poem, but if you are really lost at sea, like a desert everything is a mirage, and reality slips away with hope, and your heart capsized.  I like this tight package too even the refrain.  Thanks for posting!

---

Hi CRNDLSM

Dark Waters


Heart capsized.................good opening line, sets the theme.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away,.............why not make this one line and cut the second "further"?
Swims reality.

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,......................lines 1 & 2 are a bit too melodramatic for me
Limbs slicing,
Dark waters
Enticing the unclaimed depths.................last 3 lines are good

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror
of distortionw
surrounding me.............I would cut L1 & 2----they slow the pace.

Heart capsized.....just my preference but I would cut L 2&3.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

---

Heart capsized is a good start, automatically I think I'm about to read a 'love is scary' poem, but if you are really lost at sea, like a desert everything is a mirage, and reality slips away with hope, and your heart capsized.  I like this tight package too even the refrain.  Thanks for posting!

[CRNDLSM]

Hello

Hi CRNDLSM

Dark Waters


Heart capsized.................good opening line, sets the theme.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away,.............why not make this one line and cut the second "further"?
Swims reality.

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,......................lines 1 & 2 are a bit too melodramatic for me
Limbs slicing,
Dark waters
Enticing the unclaimed depths.................last 3 lines are good

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror
of distortion
surrounding me.............I would cut L1 & 2----they slow the pace.

Heart capsized.....just my preference but I would cut L 2&3.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

---

Heart capsized is a good start, automatically I think I'm about to read a 'love is scary' poem, but if you are really lost at sea, like a desert everything is a mirage, and reality slips away with hope, and your heart capsized.  I like this tight package too even the refrain.  Thanks for posting!

---

Hi CRNDLSM

Dark Waters


Heart capsized.................good opening line, sets the theme.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away,.............why not make this one line and cut the second "further"?
Swims reality.

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,......................lines 1 & 2 are a bit too melodramatic for me
Limbs slicing,
Dark waters
Enticing the unclaimed depths.................last 3 lines are good

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror
of distortion
surrounding me.............I would cut L1 & 2----they sloe the pace.

Heart capsized.....just my preference but I would cut L 2&3.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

---

Heart capsized is a good start, automatically I think I'm about to read a 'love is scary' poem, but if you are really lost at sea, like a desert everything is a mirage, and reality slips away with hope, and your heart capsized.  I like this tight package too even the refrain.  Thanks for posting!

---

Hi CRNDLSM

Dark Waters


Heart capsized.................good opening line, sets the theme.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away,.............why not make this one line and cut the second "further"?
Swims reality.

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,......................lines 1 & 2 are a bit too melodramatic for me
Limbs slicing,
Dark waters
Enticing the unclaimed depths.................last 3 lines are good

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror
of distortionw
surrounding me.............I would cut L1 & 2----they slow the pace.

Heart capsized.....just my preference but I would cut L 2&3.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

---

Heart capsized is a good start, automatically I think I'm about to read a 'love is scary' poem, but if you are really lost at sea, like a desert everything is a mirage, and reality slips away with hope, and your heart capsized.  I like this tight package too even the refrain.  Thanks for posting!

[AlexSharp]

Dark Waters


Heart capsized
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,
Limbs slicing,
Dark waters
Enticing the unclaimed depths.

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror
of distortion
surrounding me.

Heart capsized
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

Imagery is nice ! The 'mirror of distortion' depicting the water is really cool. Only advice I really have is correct your grammatical errors like starting every line with a capital. I was taught your grammar in poetry should basically follow regular prose if you're going to use punctuation and capital letters. If you want to keep the capitals I would at least get rid of the punctuation.

[Bunx]

Dark Waters


Heart capsized ... Sweet imagery
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality. ... awesome metaphor, but pretty broad. Initially I get a sense of losing a loving and suffering delusions because of that.  

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,
Limbs slicing,  .... A little confused here. Is one swimming to the "dark waters?" 
Dark waters
Enticing the unclaimed depths. Very cool imagery 

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror
of distortion
surrounding me. Very cool stanza. 

Heart capsized
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality. Awesome turn around

Really sweet poem!
I love how brief and concise the images are. Also it gives alot to the readers imagination. One idea would be to do another version and tell the full story of the capsized heart.  

[Coquette16]

Bunx,

Thank you for your feedback! I'm very glad that the poem touched you in a positive way

-Coquette


quote='Bunx' pid='220878' dateline='1479746988']

Dark Waters


Heart capsized ... Sweet imagery
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality. ... awesome metaphor, but pretty broad. Initially I get a sense of losing a loving and suffering delusions because of that.  

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,
Limbs slicing,  .... A little confused here. Is one swimming to the "dark waters?" 
Dark waters
Enticing the unclaimed depths. Very cool imagery 

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror
of distortion
surrounding me. Very cool stanza. 

Heart capsized
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality. Awesome turn around

Really sweet poem!
I love how brief and concise the images are. Also it gives alot to the readers imagination. One idea would be to do another version and tell the full story of the capsized heart.  
[/quote]

---

Alex,
I appreciate your feedback   I plan to correct the grammatical errors  and will consider your other comments---thank you!

-Coquette 

quote='AlexSharp' pid='220876' dateline='1479746289']

Dark Waters


Heart capsized
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,
Limbs slicing,
Dark waters
Enticing the unclaimed depths.

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror
of distortion
surrounding me.

Heart capsized
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

Imagery is nice ! The 'mirror of distortion' depicting the water is really cool. Only advice I really have is correct your grammatical errors like starting every line with a capital. I was taught your grammar in poetry should basically follow regular prose if you're going to use punctuation and capital letters. If you want to keep the capitals I would at least get rid of the punctuation.
[/quote]

[Mahjong]

Heart capsized
No longer drifting. => This I like, as love suggests drifting; a broken/capsized heart is no longer adrift in the sea of love.
Further and further away
Swims reality. => See my comment below.

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,
Limbs slicing,
Dark waters => I'm a bit confused by these last two lines, which I read as almost tautological, if dark waters might suggest unclaimed depths
Enticing the unclaimed depths.

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror
of distortion
surrounding me. => One could say that love is like a 'mirror of distortion'; if so, then this moment could be confusing (see my comment below)

Heart capsized
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

I like this very much. Just some food for thought: With matters of the heart, might not the problem be more when 'reality' closes in, when it swims towards you, when it tosses you that most unwelcome life preserver moored to the brick-and-mortar real world? Love is largely about fantasy, which to some degree means keeping 'reality' at bay. When in love, who needs or wants reality? If the heart capsizing suggests that its been broken (I could be wrong about what you mean here), the fantasy and magic are gone and we are left to face that painful return to the real world (or not). In love we are adrift in the 'sea of love'. The heart capsized, we face a choice: grab reality's (painful) life preserver or allow ourselves to sink and drown in the dark unclaimed depths. Most opt for the former, the lesser of two evils; many have and will opt for the latter (one reason poetry is still in business ;-). Again, just something to think about. Really like the overall imagery of the poem!

[Jo Frumple]

I really like it, in fact I think it's almost good to go. To me it sounds like a break-up poem. It makes me think of the horror, confusion, and despair that follows abandonment or rejection by a lover or friend.
The third stanza does throw me a bit. It seems you go from likening one "drifting" in "dark waters", which to me conveys a fluidity, lostness, and void. Then it seems you switch (maybe that's intentional) to a much more solid, material, state, because there's "pressure" which, unless you're drowning (again, maybe that's the point) I don't usually think of being pressured while you're floating. Also, I know that mirrors underwater or seeing phantoms underwater are a common idea but bringing in a mirror that surrounds you.... I don't know, it just switched the scene from aquatic to more like a dark room but then of course you end with aquatic again. That's just my thoughts. Maybe you meant to have it that way but I thought I'd share what came to my mind.

I do like that you reiterate the first stanza.

Dark Waters


Heart capsized
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,
Limbs slicing,
Dark waters
Enticing the unclaimed depths.

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror
of distortion
surrounding me.

Heart capsized
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

[gedankespieler]

Heart capsized

no longer drifting

further away

swims reality

This is ambiguous because of the lack of punctuation. Reality swims further away? Somewhere in the distance, reality swims? Is reality no longer drifting? Or is it the heart that is drifting?
I'm not going to assume you did this deliberately, because the lack of punctuation seems consistent throughout, rather than being a stylistic choice for one set of images.

submerged

eyes blurred

limbs wavering

unclaimed depths enticing

Are they enticing? It seems to me as if the descent is reluctant, above all.

mindless pressure pulsing

in the mirror

of dark distortion

surrounding me

numbing pressure pulsing
through the dark distorted mirror
all around me

(too much emphasis is on the "surr" ins "surrounding", leaving the stanza unbalanced)

Heart capsized

No longer drifting.

further away

swims reality

You could change this to make the ending more satisfying, e.g. switch it up -

Heart capsized,
No longer drifting;
Reality swims
further afield.