At The Summit / After Scars

[Coquette16]

Not sure which title to use....
Feedback's appreciated! This is my first post (of many!)
Thanks!



At The Summit


After scars-- the upward hike of sweat, tears, scrapes, cuts and bruises…
Broken.

At the summit
I breathe in the unrelenting clefts and the protruding edges.
The battered and wounded landscape…
Broken.

At the summit
I listen to the calm landscape and perpetual skies
And touch the vibrant flower in my breast.

At the summit
I am broken and I am scarred
peacefully.

[CRNDLSM]

Not sure which title to use....
Feedback's appreciated! This is my first post (of many!)
Thanks!
Howdy!  I don't know you're purpose or style but looking at the four stanzas, and the words you're repeating, I want to cut out half of it and call it short form.


At The Summit


After scars-- the upward hike of sweat, tears, scrapes, cuts and bruises…
Broken.I think just the words, 'at the summit' sums up this stanza.  so cut the whole stanza.

At the summit
I breathe in the unrelenting clefts and the protruding edges.
The battered and wounded landscape…
Broken.I like this as a setup.

At the summit you can say 'after scars' here instead
I listen to the calm landscape and perpetual skies
And touch the vibrant flower in my breast.nice and peaceful, 

At the summit
I am broken and I am scarred
peacefully.and you've already said all this and it seems implied in the previous stanzas.  so you can cut the whole stanza.  maybe just one line attached to the previous stanza to summarize.

Again, I don't know your purpose or style, but if you have a lot more Posts to make I'm curious to see what you have to say. thanks for posting

[UselessBlueprint]

Not sure which title to use....
Feedback's appreciated! This is my first post (of many!)
Thanks!



At The Summit


After scars-- the upward hike of sweat, tears, scrapes, cuts and bruises…
Broken.

At the summit
I breathe in the unrelenting clefts and the protruding (ouch. that must hurt)
The battered and wounded landscape… (I'd consider an alternative to the ellipses here and on L1)
Broken.

At the summit (I don't think repeating this is necessary)
I listen to the calm landscape and perpetual skies
And touch the vibrant flower in my breast.

At the summit
I am broken and I am scarred
peacefully.

The scene here is fine, but virtually nothing happens. I see a person reflecting on a mountain landscape, enjoying the pain from his hiking endeavor. A fine sentiment though perhaps it may fit into a smaller form, or else have its subject expanded slightly. Biggest issue: the repetition of "At the summit" does not reinforce much to me as a reader. It feels needless. I can find reasoning for it as if I were the writer, but none that justify it to me as the reader.

On a side note: interesting name you've got...

[Coquette16]

Not sure which title to use....
Feedback's appreciated! This is my first post (of many!)
Thanks!
Howdy!  I don't know you're purpose or style but looking at the four stanzas, and the words you're repeating, I want to cut out half of it and call it short form.

Thank you for your input, CRNDLSM. I intentionally posted a poem that I have edited and re-edited, trying to find the rhythm and word choice to express the juxtaposition of scars from the hike, but the summit holding peace....not all is healed, but the brokenness is accepted and there is peace within.

I will be posting more--absolutely!

Coquette

At The Summit


After scars-- the upward hike of sweat, tears, scrapes, cuts and bruises…
Broken.I think just the words, 'at the summit' sums up this stanza.  so cut the whole stanza.

At the summit
I breathe in the unrelenting clefts and the protruding edges.
The battered and wounded landscape…
Broken.I like this as a setup.

At the summit you can say 'after scars' here instead
I listen to the calm landscape and perpetual skies
And touch the vibrant flower in my breast.nice and peaceful, 

At the summit
I am broken and I am scarred
peacefully.and you've already said all this and it seems implied in the previous stanzas.  so you can cut the whole stanza.  maybe just one line attached to the previous stanza to summarize.

Again, I don't know your purpose or style, but if you have a lot more Posts to make I'm curious to see what you have to say. thanks for posting

[Bueller]

Hi Coquette16. I think you have a good concept here. The ascent of the mountain can be easily generalized into other areas of life, which means that more people will find it personally engaging. I would probably call it "Summit." I don't think 'scars' works, because the scars would be what remained long after the cuts from the climb, and the immediate aftermath of the climb is what's being described here, so I would stick with bloodier images, as grotesque as that may sound. I like the mingling of the mangled-body imagery with the tranquil setting. 

Not sure which title to use....
Feedback's appreciated! This is my first post (of many!)
Thanks!



At The Summit


After scars-- the upward hike of sweat, tears, scrapes, cuts and bruises… (this sounds too much like "blood, sweat, and tears" to seem original)
Broken. (but the speaker isn't broken, they are victorious in their climb -- you're looking for something more like 'battered' although "battered and bruised" is also a cliche)

At the summit
I breathe in the unrelenting clefts and the protruding edges. (maybe 'I breathe in the memory of the unrelenting clefts, to keep the timeline straight)
The battered and wounded landscape… ('landscape' isn't pulling it's weight -- name the elements of the landscape specifically)
Broken.

At the summit
I listen to the calm landscape and perpetual skies (repetition of 'landscape' is not serving you, and you have the same problem here as when you used it above. I like the idea of the limitless sky, although I'm not sold on perpetual, but it's not bad)
And touch the vibrant flower in my breast. (? No idea what this means. Makes it sound like you picked a flower on the way up)

At the summit
I am broken and I am scarred
peacefully. (peacefully is not the right word. How can someone be broken peacefully? Maybe broken but at peace? But, I agree with others that this repetition of previous statements only serves to weaken the poem. I do like the idea of being at rest, yet I got that feeling from the deep breaths and the serene landscape imagery, so I'm not sure that you have to spell it out so explicitly)

If you use a title that includes 'summit,' I don't believe that you need to mention that word in the body of the poem at all, it's clear that the speaker has reached the top.

Hope this helps.

Cheers!

[Sparkydashforth]

Hi Coquette,

the poem has a nice rhythm to it, and some sublime moments.

Not sure which title to use....
Feedback's appreciated! This is my first post (of many!)
Thanks!



At The Summit


After scars-- the upward hike of sweat, tears, scrapes, cuts and bruises…
Broken.................I feel the struggle in these lines, the effort breaks us in different ways.

At the summit
I breathe in the unrelenting clefts and the protruding edges........yes, the long moments between the climb
and the real climb which is inward need at different kind of breathing.
The battered and wounded landscape…...............be careful not to overdo the drama here. I would cut 'wounded'
Broken.........................like the repetition of 'broken'

At the summit
I listen to the calm landscape and perpetual skies
And touch the vibrant flower in my breast.....................I'm not sure about this stanza...I don't think it says enough
or is insightful enough....I think I know what you are implying, but it needs to be clearer.

At the summit
I am broken and I am scarred
peacefully...................................Nice....I feel the 'peace' here.

[Dan Manyard]

Please take this critique with a grain of salt. Im not an expert.  

At The Summit 


After scars-- the upward hike of sweat, tears, scrapes, cuts and bruises…
Broken. 

At the summit
I breathe in the unrelenting clefts and the protruding edges.
The battered and wounded landscape…
Broken.

At the summit
I listen to the calm landscape and perpetual skies
And touch the vibrant flower in my breast.

At the summit
I am broken and I am scarred
peacefully.

What this says to me is that part of the reason you find peace in hiking and reaching the top is the challenge.
The pains that come along with it are sensations that add to your overall satisfaction. The feeling of being drained and accomplished is what your after just as much as reaching the summit. So, when you say (After Scars-) it says to me that you know you want those bumps and cuts as a badge of honor. It would be fun to see you run with that idea to capture the feeling of your pursuit. If Im reading it right anyway.   

[Coquette16]

Thank you for your feedback! I will certainly reflect on the repetition...
Honestly, I have never felt that poetry must tell a story (referring to your comment about "nothing happening"). As a "novice", is that a misconception? If so, then much of my poetry is, well, going to be torn apart here, perhaps  

My first name is actually Coquette. I don't always live up to its meaning; however  

Not sure which title to use....
Feedback's appreciated! This is my first post (of many!)
Thanks!



At The Summit


After scars-- the upward hike of sweat, tears, scrapes, cuts and bruises…
Broken.

At the summit
I breathe in the unrelenting clefts and the protruding (ouch. that must hurt)
The battered and wounded landscape… (I'd consider an alternative to the ellipses here and on L1)
Broken.

At the summit (I don't think repeating this is necessary)
I listen to the calm landscape and perpetual skies
And touch the vibrant flower in my breast.

At the summit
I am broken and I am scarred
peacefully.

The scene here is fine, but virtually nothing happens. I see a person reflecting on a mountain landscape, enjoying the pain from his hiking endeavor. A fine sentiment though perhaps it may fit into a smaller form, or else have its subject expanded slightly. Biggest issue: the repetition of "At the summit" does not reinforce much to me as a reader. It feels needless. I can find reasoning for it as if I were the writer, but none that justify it to me as the reader.

On a side note: interesting name you've got...

---

You are absolutely reading it right--remembering pain and struggle isn't a bad thing, in my opinion, it's a reminder of what has been accomplished, reconciled, etc. in order to get to the point at which the pain/struggle is an acknowledged occurrence and emotions are no longer tied to it.

I appreciate your feedback

quote='Dan Manyard' pid='220743' dateline='1479593169']
Please take this critique with a grain of salt. Im not an expert.  

At The Summit 


After scars-- the upward hike of sweat, tears, scrapes, cuts and bruises…
Broken. 

At the summit
I breathe in the unrelenting clefts and the protruding edges.
The battered and wounded landscape…
Broken.

At the summit
I listen to the calm landscape and perpetual skies
And touch the vibrant flower in my breast.

At the summit
I am broken and I am scarred
peacefully.

What this says to me is that part of the reason you find peace in hiking and reaching the top is the challenge.
The pains that come along with it are sensations that add to your overall satisfaction. The feeling of being drained and accomplished is what your after just as much as reaching the summit. So, when you say (After Scars-) it says to me that you know you want those bumps and cuts as a badge of honor. It would be fun to see you run with that idea to capture the feeling of your pursuit. If Im reading it right anyway.   
[/quote]